Pre marriage advice - feeling very down

[amyleigh]

Hi everyone,

I would really appreciate some none impartial, stranger advice.

 

I am due to get married in 3 weeks. We have been together 11 years and there is a 5 year age gap. There have been possible instances of infidelity on his part in past, of which I had suspicions but not proof. Over time I decided if he had done something, it was when we were very young, and he would have regretted it, so to pull myself together on the matter and move on.

 

We have had some issues in our time, he has a temper, but had never hit me before. Some forceful pushing and slapping. It calmed down for a long time until a few weeks ago when he was drunk, and he did hit me on that occasional. I felt he was remorseful, however he didn’t say much about it the next day.

 

I was in the wrong the next day – I checked his phone. Now as daft as it sounds, I checked it because he hadn’t spoken about how he felt about what he did, I thought maybe he might have looked online at some help, or googled what made him lose his temper. I don’t know, I just wanted to see if he felt anything about what happened. Confided in a friend maybe.

 

Instead I found weeks full of pornography, text messages to unknown numbers enquiring about massages (I admit, this could have been innocent but my gut said differently) the pretty girl stalking on facebook type of stuff, local escorts (however this could have been pop ups as I’ve read on another site that’s possible), ‘sexy female bodies’ etc. I did not approach him about it, as I don’t want to cause an argument that could escalate again.

 

I did ask if he had a sex addiction, and he laughed it off.

 

I have always been insecure about my looks. I’m reasonably tall, a bit curvy but not overweight. He’s always said he loves me the way I am, I don’t feel it right now.

 

I don’t understand why he wants to marry me. If this is how he feels the need to act, if he doesn’t fancy me, why is he marrying me? Does he even love me? He says he does and I’m his soul mate.

 

On the surface, and to his friends and family, this would seem outrageous and out of character. I do feel there is something about me he just can’t accept. I just don’t understand, if he feels like this, why marry me? Why ask me about when we should start trying for children? Why want to pick out new furniture for our home? Why any of it?

 

Sorry for going on. But any outside comments (other than leave, because I just don’t feel I can) would be appreciated.

 

Many thanks

Amy

[Dahl]

Hello Amy and welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry that you are in such a miserable situation - can you please clarify why you do not feel you are able to leave?

[LaHermes]

Amy:

 

Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND!!

 

"he has a temper, but had never hit me before. Some forceful pushing and slapping. It calmed down for a long time until a few weeks ago when he was drunk, and he did hit me on that occasional. I felt he was remorseful, however he didn’t say much about it the next day."

 

You "felt" he was remorseful, but...he wasn't. Why do you feel it is alright to be struck by this man, or indeed by anyone.

 

You are prepared to marry a violent and abusive man. Is this what you want for the rest of your life. Believe me it will escalate. He has no respect for you (let's forget love for a moment).

 

Why don't you feel you can leave?

 

No he does not love you, in any way or manner. A man who loves and respects a woman does not hit or push her.

 

I am at a loss for words here......

 

You remark:

 

"I don’t understand why he wants to marry me. "

 

I do, completely. He has found a doormat and a punching bag who will take any kind of ill-treatment from him. For this kind of abuser that is heaven! He homed in on you in first instance because these types can "smell" insecurity miles off.

 

Call it off OP, and get the life you deserve.

[MissCanuck]

He wants the appearance of a normal life, and you will give that to him. He wants himself and everyone else to believe he has it together, wife and kids.

 

But you both know the truth: he is abusive. I don't know how you draw a distinction between slapping and hitting, but I see any act of physical aggression as abuse.

 

Why do you feel you can't leave? This is a horrible relationship and you would be very foolish to make it legally binding. Think of how he would treat your hypothetical children if they were acting up. Men who abuse their partners often abuse their children as well. You are not going to have a happy marriage or a happy family with him. He doesn't love you and doesn't care if he hurts you.

 

Do you have any family members or friends you can confide in? I am guessing you've kept the abuse a secret, but OP, that is exactly what empowers him to ramp it up. He will seriously hurt you someday.

 

Do not marry him. You will very much regret it.

[LaHermes]

Abuse is abuse. Physical, emotional, verbal and mental.

And he has managed to cover the whole lot.

 

Please consult your family members and extricate yourself from this hell.

[ThatwasThen]

You're concerned more about a little porn on his phone then you are that he is mean spirited, abusive and disrespectful to you. You stayed with him 11 years of this which is enough time to know that he is not someone that you should marry.

 

Have you told your parents that he has hit you? Slapped you? Been verbally disrespectful? Why would you want to bring children into a situation like THAT?

 

Tell us why you feel you can't leave. It is people like yourself who feel they can't leave is why the divorce rate is at an all time high.

[thealchemist]

Feeling insecure because he has porn on his phone is more of your issues. Worrying about him being a sex addict because he has a lot of porn isn't even the big issue here.

 

His messaging of random women for massages is a big red flag. Can't say for certain but with everything else you can pretty much assume he is looking for prostitutes. How badly do you want herpes? If you stay with a guy like that he will very likely give you an std at some point.

 

The worst thing about this is that all the afore mentioned issues don't even matter compared to the physical abuse. You say that he pushes and slaps you? I don't know what you think is normal relationship interactions but neither of those are in a healthy relationship. Him not punching you doesn't make the slapping and pushing acceptable.

 

He stays with you because you are dumb enough to accept him treating you like crap. You need to get away from this abusive cheating guy.