Early stages blues

[Cope]

Hello!

 

Long time to post, this forum helped me tons with my last break up. Since that I have been enjoying my single life to the fullest! Last 3 months I started using tinder and for the first time in my life getting into casual relationships, or let's just say a handful of dates with several men. It's been very enlightening and fun. I am trying to learn more about me and the way I view relationships as I discovered that I have an unhealthy idea of how are they supposed to work.

 

Everything was going great til I met this one guy that I started to fall for, I know, inevitable. We clicked right away. Everything was great! I felt that we had chemistry. There were some parts of awkwardness but I think it's part of the early stages in general. I have to note that this is mostly long distance and, in general, a situation we both can't pursue even if we wanted to. We both agreed on it being casual. After our first date I just can't get him out of my mind. He seems to be losing interest though. In any other case, I would be like "ok just let him slide, this is not the first time it has happened and definitely not the last". But this case is bugging me. He still texts me daily, not with the same enthusiasm, but still we haven't gotten through a day without texting yet (although, I do think today will be our first).

 

I am doing a good job at not over analyzing and going on with my life, but I can't just stop thinking "what if, he's the shy one?". I let him do all the initiating contact, with me doing it maybe 5 times in total since we first matched. I don't like pressuring people. Whenever I do contact first, he does reply immediately.

 

Anyways, my problem is I am pretty sure he knows I like him so I tried to play it cool but now I don't know if I should make it more clear because I have this feeling that I maybe F*ed up and he doesn't know if I really like him. Last time we were on a date, he basically told me he wasn't on tinder anymore and I told him the same, but continued (in the mentality of playing it cool), to tell him a story about a guy on tinder to which he changed the subject immediately.

 

I see threads like this all the time and I know that we usually do know if the other person is losing interest, it's just that we try to convince ourselves for the opposite because we can't believe we were so wrong.

 

Also, I am used to love interests texting daily. When they don't, that's a sign for me that they lost interest. I keep on reading that I should not worry if they do. I sense there's a huge argument on this. Thoughts?

 

Last couple of days I decided to not say or do anything and just reply to any of his text messages and see what he will do. The only thing I want to hear from him is "When will I see you again?". We do have something planned for the beginning of July, but it's not concrete, specially with me seeing that he's losing interest.

 

I really wanted this one to work out, not a full blown relationship, but something more than it is now

[WombatShadow]

I don't think you're being incredibly fair to him. You know how you feel he's drawing back because he isn't texting you as much? How do you think you not texting him at all will make him feel?

[confusedguy96]

I am currently in the same boat! The guy I have been on a few dates with seems to have slowly lost some interest. Texting seems to have calmed down and the eagerness to meet up goes from today to maybe sometime next week. The best thing for you to do would be to keep working on you and play it cool. If you're always the one to initiate contact, STOP. Let him come to you. If he doesn't, then you know it's time to cut ties.

 

OR second choice, make more effort and just go with the flow. Try not to panic about it as the early stages on dating can be awkward with getting to know each other. Ultimately if he likes you, he will say so but don't let this situation rule your life. Keep yourself in the open!

[Cope]

I don't think you're being incredibly fair to him. You know how you feel he's drawing back because he isn't texting you as much? How do you think you not texting him at all will make him feel?

 

Yeah, I see what you mean. Thing is, he was the one to always initiate and It does seem that it's his type. I did think that maybe I should text more first, but I haven't because of the way he's texting now. He started out texting me A LOT. I do indeed see what you mean, but Unfortunately, I don't think this is the case.

 

 

 

I am currently in the same boat! The guy I have been on a few dates with seems to have slowly lost some interest. Texting seems to have calmed down and the eagerness to meet up goes from today to maybe sometime next week. The best thing for you to do would be to keep working on you and play it cool. If you're always the one to initiate contact, STOP. Let him come to you. If he doesn't, then you know it's time to cut ties.

 

OR second choice, make more effort and just go with the flow. Try not to panic about it as the early stages on dating can be awkward with getting to know each other. Ultimately if he likes you, he will say so but don't let this situation rule your life. Keep yourself in the open!

 

 

 

Oh isn't it frustrating and sweet at the same time? (although last week took the sweetness from me tbh) I have only initiated contact maybe 5 times in the whole month++ we know each other,I definitely am not spamming him. I wish wombat is right and he just thinks that I am losing interest, but don't think so. I have been more open about liking him, even if I don't initiate.

 

Tanks for the advice, I am trying to follow the "don't panic"etc.It's frustrating what a love interest can do to you. I am also focusing on how to improve myself into being more honest for example, even more open and above all, more calm about everything that has to do with dating. I still am considering confessing my feelings if I see he seems still interested yet holding back. Although I believe that I will just do that to cover the "just in case" part. Most of the time I don't mind lowering my ego to do so, very convenient Just like you said though, I do believe that if he really likes me he will eventually say something.

 

 

Early stages indeed are nerve wrecking. I remember them more simpler than this. Everything with my previous relationships happened so fast and almost effortless. This is a different type of guy though. One of the things I was working on all this time after my break up is to look for different qualities in men, so this one is different, or so he seems. Dunno. Keep me updated with your guy!!

[Sportster2005]

You're playing games and he may be losing interest. Do you think they're might be some cause and effect there?

[Cope]

How am I playing games? He is the one that is slowly cutting down his contacting habits. I am honestly asking this question.

Cause and effect? Do you mean that I am acting just like him?

 

I decided not to initiate contact because I saw lack of enthusiasm from his side. I think is a normal thing to do when you see someone not interested as much anymore. You let them do there thing and if they are still "in it", they will come back. Or that's how I view it. As I said before, I may have not initiated contact as much (and I am starting to see the fault in that) but I am WAY more open as to how I feel. More compliments, more flirty texts. He used to respond well . Now, not so much. It turned more casual with jokes etc (we do share the same type of humor, so I still take this as a good sign). No messages for goodmorning.

 

I am simply mirroring his behavior, I don't want to be pressuring him or anything. Is this wrong?

[Sportster2005]

. Last time we were on a date, he basically told me he wasn't on tinder anymore and I told him the same, but continued (in the mentality of playing it cool)

 

You even said you were 'playing'. There's a difference between being calm and cool, and playing it cool. Playing it cool is a game. You're trying to evoke a response.

 

Last couple of days I decided to not say or do anything and just reply to any of his text messages and see what he will do. The only thing I want to hear from him is "When will I see you again?". We do have something planned for the beginning of July, but it's not concrete, specially with me seeing that he's losing interest.

 

Why would he maintain his interest if you do this? Seems counterintuitive and game like to me. You don't have to throw yourself at him. But playing it cool and just trying to will him to text "When will I see you again", isn't likely going to get you anywhere.

 

The cause is playing it cool. The effect is he's losing interest. Just a thought.

[figureitout23]

You even said you were 'playing'. There's a difference between being calm and cool, and playing it cool. Playing it cool is a game. You're trying to evoke a response.

 

Why would he maintain his interest if you do this? Seems counterintuitive and game like to me. You don't have to throw yourself at him. But playing it cool and just trying to will him to text "When will I see you again", isn't likely .

 

The cause is playing it cool. The effect is he's losing interest. Just a thought.

 

 

You know what I find interesting? Often times when a woman is eager, she is told to back off and let the man lead. Now a woman is backing off and letting the man lead and shes told something else.

 

I think often times,you're darned if you do darned if you don't.

 

If a guy is truly interested he's going to pursue a woman and if a woman is truly interested she will reciprocate. When the game playing comes into play, you're already beginning to play a losing battle. If it's not naturally flowing, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to force it and is it even worth it?

[Cope]

You know what I find interesting? Often times when a woman is eager, she is told to back off and let the man lead. Now a woman is backing off and letting the man lead and shes told something else.

 

I think often times,you're darned if you do darned if you don't.

 

If a guy is truly interested he's going to pursue a woman and if a woman is truly interested she will reciprocate. When the game playing comes into play, you're already beginning to play a losing battle. If it's not naturally flowing, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to force it and is it even worth it?

 

Aw thank you!!

I was going crazy! I'm like, what games?! I'm just following the, unfortunately, not natural flow. He's losing interest, the last thing to do is be spamming him! I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, so I'm not gonna do it to him. Also, as you said, that's what EVERYONE advises us to do. Am I making a mistake? Is he still interested? Time will tell. If he wants me, he will find a way and an excuse.

 

As I predicted, he didn't send a message yesterday first time after a month ++ we're talking. I am planning to send him something maybe tonight if I feel like it, just to be sure. Dunno what. Something funny? Just a simple "How are you?". I read somewhere that in this case it's good to write a message that does not require a response, then again, the thought "well there's nothing to answer, so why would he?" will be bugging me. Stupid I know. I really liked this one, darn it. Don't know how I let myself catch feelings. I still hope that I'm mistaken, because it is complicated, I mean, even if he does like me as much he could be hesitating due to distance etc. But those scenarios only happen in movies. Oh well, we'll see.

 

Any suggestions for what message to send him will be very much appreciated!

[Sportster2005]

You know what I find interesting? Often times when a woman is eager, she is told to back off and let the man lead. Now a woman is backing off and letting the man lead and shes told something else.

 

I think often times,you're darned if you do darned if you don't.

 

If a guy is truly interested he's going to pursue a woman and if a woman is truly interested she will reciprocate. When the game playing comes into play, you're already beginning to play a losing battle. If it's not naturally flowing, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to force it and is it even worth it?

 

If a guy is truly interested he will pursue a woman. He'll stop when she appears not interested.

 

I can't speak to your point about eagerness. This man pursues women who reciprocate interest. If they're playing it cool or aloof, I am assume they're not interested, bow out gracefully and look elsewhere. Perhaps one person's eagerness is another person's clinginess. I have stopped pursuing women who couldn't leave me alone for a minute, and after one date assumed they were in a relationship. That's not eager to me. It's clingy and needy.

 

It's simple. Ff you like someone, reciprocate. If you don't, move on. You have a much better chance of finding your correct match.

 

I like to lead, but it's 2017. If a woman feels comfortable leading, and is confident, I don't mind. I'm secure enough to follow a woman. Especially a confident one. If men still have problems with that......

[Cope]

If a guy is truly interested he will pursue a woman. He'll stop when she appears not interested.

 

I can't speak to your point about eagerness. This man pursues women who reciprocate interest. If they're playing it cool or aloof, I am assume they're not interested, bow out gracefully and look elsewhere. Perhaps one person's eagerness is another person's clinginess. I have stopped pursuing women who couldn't leave me alone for a minute, and after one date assumed they were in a relationship. That's not eager to me. It's clingy and needy.

 

It's simple. Ff you like someone, reciprocate. If you don't, move on. You have a much better chance of finding your correct match.

 

I like to lead, but it's 2017. If a woman feels comfortable leading, and is confident, I don't mind. I'm secure enough to follow a woman. Especially a confident one. If men still have problems with that......

 

I agree on this. About my case there must've been a misunderstanding,I wasn't clear, as it happens a lot in here, because not all of us disclose every single detail (even if we wanted to). During our texting, I really showed him how much I like him, he has to be stupid not to see it, so maybe I wasn't initiating as much, but the compliments and the hints were much stronger on my end, while on his end I got weird responses if any at all. I understand that trying to play it cool maybe considered a game, but it was a form of defense for me as we had already defined this as something casual. So I tried my best and still am, to keep my expectations low. If he tried to tell me that he does not see this casually anymore, he didn't do a very good job at it (nor have I) but as I said, he seems like a man that takes the lead. IF by any chance, I am mistaken, I will just let him know how I feel, straightforward, because I don't like this miscommunication between us.

 

Right now Im just trying to lose the infatuation, cause this is what it is. I don't know the guy as much as to state I'm in love, It's just been a while since I've felt this way about anyone and I think I just got caught up into it. It's a nice experience though, I am learning a lot. I would like to avoid, for example, the "game playing" next time, if it even was. I used to be very honest and just "me". After some experience I think all of us build defenses and we probably should take them in consideration from the opposite party too.

 

So Sportser, let's say you are right and he thinks I lost interest, what do you think I should do?