I really need advice...

[TellMeSomething]

Hello, I suppose I just have a few questions about behavior to ask people. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 4 years. During this time, my fiance threatened to break up with me for not satisfying physical needs, for which I broke up with him temporarily. He came back and was, seemingly, a better person. After this, he lied about a relationship with a girl, it was mainly flirting over the internet, no physical relationship, but he had told her he didn't want to marry me, which he NEVER said to me before. I also found out he was lying about contact with other people that I didn't approve of (for personal reasons). I never said, "I don't want you talking to them!", I always said, "Please don't talk with them anymore, it really hurts me." To which he would always say that he was sorry and he understood and didn't want to hurt me, but then he'd do it again and again. He lied about a trip he took, during which he saw an ex-girlfriend (they've remained pals). I also found out he was visiting pornographic websites. I found an email address that he never told me about, and lots of emails from different dating and sexually explicit websites. Whenever I find these things, he denies it. Then after I insist for a few days, he tells me something, then that changes within the next few days/weeks into something else, and when I keep insisting he's lying for a long period of time, he finally confesses. Every time I think he's lying, he is, but he makes it seem like I am insane for thinking he's lying. Now, I am bi-polar and schizophrenic, and I've been on medication in the past and in therapy in the past, I have it under control and I am med free. He pushes that and suggests that I need medication, and basically, whether he tries to or not, makes it seem like I am insane, which drives me nuts because I don't know if I actually do have a problem, or if he's manipulating me. He does this repeatedly, and every time I confront him for lying, I always end up right in the long run.

 

What do I need to do? What would you do if your significant other did this type of thing to you or your friend? I would like you to know that he does love me (somewhere inside) and can be very very sweet and affectionate. I love him very much and don't want to leave him, but am I being manipulated or used?

[HeavenLee]

I have dealt with all this, and believe me, it doesn't change. I've made all the excuses there are, even taken the blame when I knew it was ridiculous (yes, I was always told that I was crazy to even suspect any of this), and yet, there it was over and over again.

 

The thing is, he knows that he can do it, convince you it's your fault, and that you'll still be there for him. Why should he stop? He is not going to miraculously wake up one day and feel bad for doing this to you, trust me. The longer you put up with it, the longer it will go on. You say you don't want to leave him, but then you are only submitting yourself to a life time of lies/deceit/hurt feelings/betrayals etc. And it will get worse... the more he gets away with the lies, the more he will push those boundaries. He is getting everything he wants and not having to give a thing in return.

 

I would suggest communicating with him how these things make you feel and how it is destroying the trust in the relationship. Maybe even seek professional help to discuss it in a rational way. But if he doesn't want to be a part in any of this, he is unlikely to change. And it will be entirely your decision as to how much pain you subject yourself to.

 

Good luck!

[DN]

There seems to be various problems in your relationship. You don't trust him and he does not behave well, but I wonder how much of that is because you are trying to control who he sees. I say that because of the line in your post about him seeing people you don't approve of. Why don't you approve of them, and do you have the right to demand he doesn't see them 'because it hurts you'? Your reasons may be good ones but it did jump out at me as being somewhat controlling.

 

If you are acting like his mother - he is going to act like a rebellious little boy. Perhaps you both need to re-evaluate the roles you are taking on in this relationship?

[TellMeSomething]

The people I do not wish him to see are ex-girlfriends and people that I've caught him talking to about me (in a bad way, for no reason, just putting down our relationship). That's all, and these are girls that have tried to break us up, called him over and over and left "I miss you" messages and etc. I have even talked to these girls, telling them they've overstepped their bounds. They do not respect the relationship we have, and thereforeeee, I don't want him talking with them. That may seem controlling, but if I explained everything, it would sound like Jerry Springer, honestly, it's that white trash.

 

I have talked to him repeatedly about the trust problems, and he knows there are major ones, and he wants to work on that, and work on himself as a person, however, it just keeps happening, he's been working on it for over 2 years and it continues to happen...honestly, he's just gotten better at hiding it. I've had discussions with him about the fact I feel like his mother, but unless I catch him in the act, I would never know he was lying because he attempts to convince me it's all in my head. This is where the problem is, he says he wants to change, but he still hasn't, how long should I wait?

[DN]

I think 2 years is long enough. You have been more than patient.

[TellMeSomething]

But how do you know that person won't change? That's the hardest thing, I don't want to feel like I'm giving up on something great.

 

He has so much potential, he just can't...do it. I sound so stupid, but I want him to change, and I think he could, I just don't understand why he won't.

 

This is the man I want to marry and have a family with one day. Does age have anything to do with this? I'm 22 and he's 23. Is it a weird phase that guys go through? I don't mean to sound stupid, but the other relationships I see around me (my friends and family), they all say that they would leave him, or would have left him already. When I do try to talk to him about taking a break, or whatever, he gets upset, obviously. We live together, he uses my car and right now I'm taking care of him because he's jobless. I just don't want to abandon him, but I don't want to be used, either.

[JCarman]

As far the porn stuff, I dont see this as show stopper. The comment he made about "not wanting to marry you" to someone else - seems to be an issue. You say he is very affectionate. Do you feel you are an affectionate person too? If not, this is a major compatability issue. Some guys are feel a void in this area. It's not just girls. As far as maniplation, has he been through a rough breakup before? If so, he will try to control. You need to set your boundaries and move on, if necessary.

[TellMeSomething]

Yes I am very affectionate. I'm at work quite a bit, so I'm tired when I come home, and he usually wants to go out to drink (I work evenings). I don't really drink, and neither did he until he lost his job. He has been through a rough break up before.

[mia76]

Hello,

 

I believe you have more than patient with him. He does not respect you if he continues to hurt you on a daily basis. It seems that he will not change because you say this has been going on for two years. He will not miraculously wake up one day a new and better person. You deserve better....take it from me who has PERSONALLY BEEN THERE. Perhaps if end things he will realize what a good thing he had.

[mia76]

Hello,

 

I believe you have more than patient with him. He does not respect you if he continues to hurt you on a daily basis. It seems that he will not change because you say this has been going on for two years. He will not miraculously wake up one day and decide to be a better person. You deserve better....take it from me who has PERSONALLY BEEN THERE. Perhaps if you end things now he will come to realize what a good thing he had.