BF is wealthy and I am not - fomo/jealously and feeling unreasonable

[Vicky89]

No, that is reasonable and respectful advice. Calling her a free hooker is the part that is the issue. That is the shaming part.

 

Why have sex with a guy that does't respect women, flaunts his wealth, boys club type of guy, call it whatever you want shaming no shaming, it's a waste of time that if you are looking for someone reliable, trustworthy, humble, and long term partner, you won't find it with this person.

[boltnrun]

OP, is the idea that he would give up attending the party events that go along with the conventions he attends?

 

If you're his long-term partner with an eye toward a future together, is this something you would expect he stop doing?

[rosephase]

Why have sex with a guy that does't respect women, flaunts his wealth, boys club type of guy, call it whatever you want shaming no shaming, it's a waste of time that if you are looking for someone reliable, trustworthy, humble, and long term partner, you won't find it with this person.

 

You see nothing shaming in accusing her of being a free prostitute?

[LaHermes]

I am amazed this kind of flaming even gets past the moderators......

[stubbs35]

You entered into this relationship knowing full well what he did and knew of his lifestyle.

I get that you are feeling a little insecure and second guessing it all now. But this is what you've signed up for.

He doesn't need to change to suit you or vice versa. He certainly isn't going to stay home. Is there room for compromise?

It's hard to say.

So, it's up to you whether or not this is going to suit your needs in the long run.

 

Nobody gives you a dossier when you start dating. These things were revealed slowly over time. People are always on their very best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship when they fear diminishing the growing intimacy with their new partner. In this case he cancelled his trip abroad last year after our second date to stay in our city and pursue the relationship. As our relationship became more comfortable and more serious, I guess he felt protected enough to adjust his behaviour.

 

I think that's natural in a relationship, but in this particular relationship I feel trapped by my material dependancy on him. I've thought about maybe moving out to gain some independence, because I don't feel like I have the space to express my own personality in this relationship as it is.

[stubbs35]

OP, is the idea that he would give up attending the party events that go along with the conventions he attends?

 

If you're his long-term partner with an eye toward a future together, is this something you would expect he stop doing?

 

I'm not sure. On one hand I know that it's both unrealistic to expect him to stop attending parties to the detriment of his career, on the other hand I can imagine myself being affronted by this in the future if we were to have a family etc.

[stubbs35]

Well she likes this dude in and out of bed. Unless I'm reading it wrong she likes this dude a lot. She is trying to figure out if they are compatible by asking questions and pushing herself to step up into difficult discussions. You decided that makes her a "free hooker". That is a fairly sex negative, female negative, response to someone asking about financial issues.

 

I personally think if "free hooker" is a label that comes up in your head when someone is asking about communication and insecurity, not to mention your dropping of how many STDs you assume sex positive people have, *might* mean you aren't as comfortable or positive about sex as you think you are. It seems to me you are carrying around a lot of judgment. Which is okay! That is your choice! Judge away! I'm just here reminding the OP that not everyone condemns her as a "free hooker" because she is still figuring out what she wants and needs in a relationship and how to talk about it.

 

The term "free hooker" is a whole bunch of problems. You are shaming her for sex using that term... shaming her for sex she didn't even bring up in the original post. Sex isn't an issue she brought to the table. Being used isn't a issue she brought to the table. The OP wanted to talk about how to communicate her feelings and fears to her reasonably new partner. And you brought sex into it in a very negative way. So I felt the need to say out loud that your school of thought isn't everyones. And that I, personally, think shaming anyone (but women in particular because they already have sexual shame pointed at them by our culture) for mutually gratifying sex... is... well it's sex negative thinking and it isn't useful. You can like sex and think sex negatively. Lots of people do.

 

Thanks for this post and for really understanding my OP.

 

Yes we have a great sex life.

No I don't feel used in the relationship at all.

Yes I want to challenge myself to step up into difficult conversations and uncomfortable positions.

 

Vicky the nun brought up my past relationships, some of which, but not all of which I have posted about on enotalone. Interestingly the ex she was speaking about (4 years ago) did end up marrying the friend (who was an exotic dancer) with whom he had been cheating on me for months. After that relationship I had a couple of other short-lived things with very different guys, dated casually, and was single for awhile.

 

That was definitely a toxic relationship which I should have ended sooner, but it was very different to this one and a good learning experience. My current partner has made real commitments to our relationship. I also don't think that people fall into simple categories. Men aren't either virtuous and morally corrupt. Most people of any gender who seem great at the beginning of a relationship will do just about anything to satisfy their ego and salvage their image when a relationship is falling apart.

 

I wouldn't trade the experiences that I've had for being married at 21. I reject the implication that the only time valuably spent for a woman is time spent during or in pursuit of marriage. I'm also not sure where she got the idea that I started dating this guy in the first place because he was good in bed. We started dating because we had similar interests and had a good time just hanging out and eventually travelling together. We were going out for nearly two months before we even had sex.

[LaHermes]

Perhaps going for independence might be a good thing, Stubbs. I can see you are self-conflicted about your dependency on him. What do you think?

 

I will take issue with you on this though.

 

"Nobody gives you a dossier when you start dating."

 

 

 

Aahhh no, but YOU are supposed to put the "dossier" together yourself. and look with clarity at the "other", and/or read between the lines.

 

One has to look beyond the - perceived - best behaviour. Because the signs are always, but always, there.

 

However, here you are at this juncture, and I suppose you have some decisions to make.

 

This man travels a lot because of his work (so do many husbands, everywhere), and different trades, occupations and professions involve a variety of activities intended to promote the business, as the case may be.

 

What do you think?

[stubbs35]

My thing is, she's wasting her time with a person that's not what she's ultimately looking for, and she's asking how to overcome not feeling upset and letting this person just do as he pleases so she doesn't disturb his independence. So, that's why I said, she's sleeping with him, wasting her time, just like she did with her ex and his coke addicted friend whom liked to frequent strip clubs, parties, and live a lifestyle she wasn't fond off, but didn't take steps to change either.

 

Actually what inspired me to make this thread IS my past experience with the guy you're talking about. I'm thinking I might be too sensitive about the issue of my current bf's partying. I've gone with him to some events and parties, and while I'm sure that most guys act differently when their partner isn't around, my current partner has never done anything to make me think that he would behave similarly to my ex. He just gets very drunk.

 

Although my thread isn't just about infidelity and objectifying women, I know the opportunity is there, because I have encountered men at conferences myself who treat the week, weekend, whatever as a vacation to hook up with somebody who isn't their wife or gf. I have a fear that in a peer-pressure situation fuelled by alcohol things that wouldn't normally happen could happen, sure.

[stubbs35]

Perhaps going for independence might be a good thing, Stubbs. I can see you are self-conflicted about your dependency on him. What do you think?

 

I will take issue with you on this though.

 

"Nobody gives you a dossier when you start dating."

 

 

 

Aahhh no, but YOU are supposed to put the "dossier" together yourself. and look with clarity at the "other", and/or read between the lines.

 

One has to look beyond the - perceived - best behaviour. Because the signs are always, but always, there.

 

However, here you are at this juncture, and I suppose you have some decisions to make.

 

This man travels a lot because of his work (so do many husbands, everywhere), and different trades, occupations and professions involve a variety of activities intended to promote the business, as the case may be.

 

What do you think?

 

Yes that's really what it boils down to I think, I'm conflicted about being materially dependant on him.

 

Before I met him, I did a lot of things on my own. I travelled extensively alone. I learned two foreign languages, went to weekend language school and took university classes online for fun. I loved spending time with animals, and raised a dog with my fam. I also previously had a career which ended (not associated with him) which gave me a lot of self-confidence and value. Now it seems like everything pivots around his plans, his wants, his apartment rules, etc etc and I am starting to wonder what value I bring to the relationship. I'm not sure how to assert myself when he provides so much for me. I think fundamentally that is why this bothers me and why I am thinking about taking a step backwards.

[LaHermes]

On that you are quite right, S.

"in a peer-pressure situation fuelled by alcohol things that wouldn't normally happen could happen"

 

 

And even without the peer pressure and alcohol.

 

A lot goes on at those conferences, and I can tell you it is more often the apparently conservative types (you know, "I'd never be unfaithful to my wife") who do hook up at these events, whether with someone who does it for free or for money.

[stubbs35]

On that you are quite right, S.

"in a peer-pressure situation fuelled by alcohol things that wouldn't normally happen could happen"

 

 

And even without the peer pressure and alcohol.

 

A lot goes on at those conferences, and I can tell you it is more often the apparently conservative types (you know, "I'd never be unfaithful to my wife") who do hook up at these events, whether with someone who does it for free or for money.

 

Yeah that's true, but how can you react to something that hasn't happened yet? And how would I even find out if it did?

[LaHermes]

LOL Stubbs.

 

"but how can you react to something that hasn't happened yet? And how would I even find out if it did?"

 

Now that's back to the future stuff.

 

You posted that you fear these goings-on would take place. You think your fears are groundless and that your man would not indulge?

[stubbs35]

LOL Stubbs.

 

"but how can you react to something that hasn't happened yet? And how would I even find out if it did?"

 

Now that's back to the future stuff.

 

You posted that you fear these goings-on would take place. You think your fears are groundless and that your man would not indulge?

 

 

He hasn't done anything in the past (during our relationship) to make me think he would indulge. He's made some comments regarding this trip trying to set me off. After examining my feelings further I have become cognizant of the fact that I feel like a "calendar-filler" and that's really my problem. He planned a bunch of fun stuff, then tried to fit me in between on his downtime - he is adamant that I will come and join him in his home country, meet him on the last day of his rally and accompany him to some wedding. None of these plans take into account activities or experiences I might have wanted to participate in this summer, so I'm thinking I'm simply not going to go.

[stubbs35]

LOL Stubbs.

 

"but how can you react to something that hasn't happened yet? And how would I even find out if it did?"

 

Now that's back to the future stuff.

 

You posted that you fear these goings-on would take place. You think your fears are groundless and that your man would not indulge?

 

And here's the update you've all been waiting for: Day 1 and they've got porn actresses tagging along in their vehicle because "we have extra seats".