Moving on.

[bclew]

I really hope someone reads this post and can offer me some advice.

 

I am a 34 male and have had two marriges in my life. the first one was the one that destroyed my ability to trust. she cheated on me, was addicted to drugs and it ended by her sleeping with my older brother. it made me where i did not trust women and would not give myself sexually or emotionaly to anyone.

 

A year after my divorce i met jen. she was the daughter of a friend of mine and we started dating and soon became engaged. she had a relationship similar to mine however she was pregnant at 18 and with a man that physcially and mentally abused her daily. she had two kids with him and then bounced from man to man and back to him for several years after. when we men we were what each other was looking for. i was the caring i will take care of you gentelman and she was the girl i could care for and would not hurt me. we had a good marriage and i loved her and her kids very much. we always stood by each other however we never connected emotionaly or sexually. after 5 years of marriage she asked for a separation and started dateing and sleeping with alot of men. she told me that she never loved me and that she knew our marriage was a mistake. even though we separated i still finished the adoption of the kids because i do love them as my own and they love me. there is no reason for them to lose the only dad they have ever known because of a divorce.

 

anyway, all the time jen and i are separated she still would call me everyday just to check in. when she is in touble she calls me. but she is different now. she is very preaty and sexy and she uses that in her life now. she is dateing a guy 11 years older then her that has never been married and does not want children. and she tries to meet and do as many things as she can to stay away from us. I guess it is important to say that the kids want to live with me and we had an issue with our oldest son, he ran away from his mom and later told me how much he hated her because of what she is doing and that he does not want any other men in his life but me. so i made the sugjestion that we all move back into the same house so her and i could be parents to the kids and we could stay the friends that she wanted to stay. the problem is i love her and i realized after our split that i needed to fix some things in my life for me and i went to counseling and read and realized how closed off i have been and i have changed. I also realized that i truley loved her. Now she lives in my house. rely's on me as a friend but still goes out 2 or 3 times a week. i have gotten to the point were i don't get all twisted up inside when she does. however somthing happened yeasterday that is one of those things that keeps a small it could work out burning in me. she was going to get a promotion at work and it fell though. she called me to get my support. and later talked to me about it and said that i am the only one she can talk to about these thing because i am the only one that knows her, and that i am her best friend. then she goes out with her party friends and does not come home. she does not look at me like i am anything she looks at me like i am an isn't. as in she only see what i am not and not what i am. i am a successfull man, in good shape. better now after the divorce lol. i am fun to be around i am somwhat of a bad boy but i am also a really good man. i want her back but i don't want her the way she is being because she is not being the woman i knew for so many years. she has turned into a bar floosy. she does not spend any time with her kids. she tries to keep herself as busy as she can to stay away from us. but she still calls me every day. i know i should just tell her to hit the road but i love my kids and she used to be the best mom in the world and i feel that somday she will want that back and that i have to protect the kids from her wild quest she is on. i am nice and i let her live her life and i do go out myself just not as often. I do not have a girlfriend because i did not want to jump from one relatioship to another. I wanted to correct what i did that helped this one fail. in my heart i know we are ment to be together. we are kindred but she does not want us. this all started a year after we moved to vegas and she got lost in the world. I feel as though she is going down a road she needs to right now and i am trying to be supportive. i think i am becaue i feel that one day she is going to hit a wall and realize what she has given up. it is not an option for her to get married again and have the kids live with her. they only want to live with me. so she is giving up alot and i don't understand it. she is so smart and such a light. but now all the people that she meets she is what they want her to be. and that is just sexy. she was always sexy but now that is all she is. what is she thinking and what can i do to live with her in the situation we are in. take care of the kids. take care of myself and be just that friend to her. when her life does not involve the 3 of us. What are you supose to do when you know you love someone and you have to say goodbye to them inside but still have to live with them every day. i would really appreciate some insite and some advice. i know that the above is jumbled but i hope someone can make some sense out of it.

[DN]

I am afraid that you are in love with what you think she might be but she is not as you hope. You have to judge people by their behaviour and the fact is she is using you, and probably always has. It is hard for you to understand that because you love her, but if you can think rationally and not emotionally you will see that she is no good for you.

 

Whatever reasons impel her to act as she does will continue to exist. It is highly unlikely that she will change. She is an adult and has adult responsibilities and chooses to ignore them and act in her own interests and no one else's.

 

For you own good, and that of your children, I think you should live apart, make whatever best arrangements you can for the care and custody of the children, and make a new life for yourself without her. I know this is not what you were hoping to hear, and am sorry you are in so much pain, but sometimes you just have to let people go and move on.

[bclew]

I know what your saying is true. However she is so different from what she has ever been before. she is not even close to being the same person. i just feel as if she is caught up in somthing that is exciting for the time but will disapear as it becomes less new to her. I also do not understand a woman that only year ago lived her life wanting to be the best mom she could be, and that our children loved her and ran to her and could talk to her and now they don't even want to. now they want to spend all there time with me. I don't know if this is who she really is. or if she is just lost and uses the people she meets as comfort for being so insecure and so lost. i also wonder if why she does so many things to stay away from us is because we remind her of her responsabilities. she is 30 years old and i feel as if and alot of other people have commented that i ahve 3 children my 7 yr old my 11 and a 16 year old daughter that just happens to be 30. she really does act like a 16 year old spoiled brat.

[DN]

And you would not want a 16 year old spoiled brat as a partner. You cannot get into people's heads to find why they do what they do. That sort of thinking will drive you nuts. You have to go by what they are doing at this time. If you move awayfrom her, physically and emotionally, you will be acting in your best interests and probably those of your children. It is possible she will change but don't count on it. Proceed as if she will not - that is for sure you best bet. It will hurt but not as much as continuing as you are for many years to come.

[bclew]

I agree with what your saying. the problem i have is that right now it will hurt the kids more if i make her move out. do you have any sujestions on how to interact with her and still be room mates for the time being. i guess what i am asking is this. I have come to terms with what she has been doing. i did show the "nice guy" thing for along time however i am not and i do take care of myself now. but i am wondering how to not seam like such a marter (sp) and still interact with the kids. basically letting her know that i have my own life and she is not part of it. and i know she has her life and i am not part of it. i want to be nice but not personal. friendly but so she knows that she can not reley on me anymore. that i am not there for her but for the kids. when she talks to me and says she is going out i just say ok have fun. she replies you could be mean to me so i did not feel so bad. i just want things to be nice but let her know i don't care but also not be an jerk about it.

[DN]

You don't have to be a martyr - but you can be independent of her. You have to withdraw emotionally. That is easy to say and very hard to do when you are in the same house. Try to look upon her as a friend with flaws and problems that you sympathise with but can do nothing much to help.

 

You really have to educate your mind to a new way of thinking about her. Don't be in love with her, but also don't hate her. Try to forgive what she has done. Think of her more as the mother of your kids than as a partner of ex-partner. And when you have succeeded in doing that as best you can, start seeing other people - not out of revenge or anything other than looking for someone who cares for you as much as you do for them.

[justsweetgirl]

Number one, I would not be living in the same house with her. It is a very unstable relationship. She turns to you because she trusts you over all others, but she, herself, is not trustworthy. I think your post affected me more than any I have read because I have children. For you to say she does not want to have anything to do with them breaks my heart. And angers me. This is very selfish. Children are fragile. They tend to blame themselves when the adults in their lives have problems. Distancing herself will only reinforce for them that they are at fault. You don't like her behavior, understandably so, but allowing her to reside with you and carry on with other men makes you an enabler. Why pull up a chair and sit in the first row while she acts out? It is not healthy for you. You need to be concentrating on you and the children. She has chosen to opt out of the relationship and the family. You love her but loathe her behavior. Who wouldn't? You and the children need counseling. How does she feel about counseling? Since she has had made a dramatic personality change in a year, I would think more is going on than you know about. You are sacrificing the happiness and stability of three healthy people for the immediate gratification and self-indulgence of one sick person. She is incapable of making a mature, responsible choice at this time. So, you have to. I commend you for following through with the adoptions. I hope I have been of some help. Feel free to contact me. I wish you well.

[bclew]

I am currently seeing other people well trying to meet people to date. and i do have friends and we go out. I am actually quite lucky that the company i work for owns a VIP hosting company so vegas is a VIP experience for me when i go out. Jen keeps wanting me to do what she is i think so she does not feel bad about doing it herself. It is not as much the emotional stress anymore it is how to deal with the situation. I know i love her but i am moving on. I just don't know what to say somtimes and somtimes she asks me for help or wants to talk about things and i don't know how to handle it because i think she needs to do things on her own and if she has other people in her life she does not need to burden me with her greif and only show them her happiness. but i don't know what to say to be friendly and not cold. does this make any sense.

[justsweetgirl]

She would be welcome in my house if her first priority was her children. It's not. And she's doing them irreparable damage. I think you may be too close to the situation to see it as clearly as those of us reading your post. Two wrongs don't make a right. Asking you to go out with other women while you both reside in the same house will only be even more confusing to the children. And seeing someone new and expecting them to be okay with all this is expecting too much. Someone has to play the part of the adult and responsible parent. There is no guarantee she will stop turning to you even though she makes other friends. At thirty, choosing partying over your children...the whole thing just makes me cringe.

[bclew]

I do know i am enableling her behavior. she has told me that she would not be able to go through what she needs to right now if she did not know i was there. that believe me does not make me feel very good. I am moving on with my life and i spend 90% of my time with my kids. i have made the rule that no one is allowed at our house that it is a sancuary. however i feel that the kids would be far more hurt if i made her leave. they already know that i am the only one they can trust and they do not trust her. I also know that she trusts me above everyone else. i just do not know what is best. i know somthing is going on, I know she is going to hit a wall and regret alot of things. I want to protect my kids from it but if i make her leave then they will look at me as if i forced there mom away. me and the boys talk all the time and i explain to them that they still are the most important thing to there mom but that right now she is just needing to take care of some things for herself and that we are still a family and that somtimes in a family you have to understand. and that i am there for them and i make the time to be. they are alot happier now then they were. i just don't want her to think i am there for her anymore but i still want to be friendly. because i know one day she will regreat everything that is happening and hit that wall and realize there is nothing better out there and it will be to late for us then because i can not go back to her. or let me say it would be very hard for me to. she will not do counseling and i have already been. I am being strong for my kids and i am doing things for me as well. it is just so hard to understand some things. I believe that somtimes people we care about get involved in things they can not control and they still need us but we throw them away. somtimes you can't just thow someone away. I do not want to be the enabler but i also do not want to be the jerk that just walked away when someone may need more then what they are doing or saying. does this make any sense

[Ostrakon]

I don't have much advice but just wanted to say that I was incredibly moved by your posts, and related well to them. Reading them has really helped me cope with my own problems. If it's any consolation, you sound like a person that has a lot to offer and I think you are doing the right thing just by doing exactly what you've been doing.

It's a difficult situation for sure, and under any other circumstances I would say to ask her to leave. I know I couldn't do that myself, in fact that's why I'm living with friends now and feeling like a stranger to myself. But you gave yourself the best advice in your own posts: just don't be so available to her. Be home on those two or three nights that she goes out, and when she's home, you go out. Think of her, as someone else said, as a roommate and the mother of your kids, but that's all. It doesn't sound like she really deserves to mean more to you than that.

You really can't say that she will "hit a wall". Even if you're right, you're just guessing. There is no way to figure out what is really in a persons head, the motivations for what they do. All relationships take work, but when only one person is doing the work, and the other one is reaping the benefits, it's not a relationship at all. She does sound like a 16 yr old kid. I know part of you is so used to that, that you still want her anyway, you're willing to accept her being a 16 yr old. But as soon as you find someone you like who acts their age, you will see how much better you feel.

By reading all these posts, I am seeing how everyone feels that same pain as I do, each in our own way. We like to think it's unique but the fact is none of us are alone, at least not any more so than we were before breaking up. The plastic mask that we glue onto somebody who is almost, but not quite right for us, is a part of you and that's really what you've been in love with all this time. You still have that in you, so remember that you are still you and you haven't lost anything that can't be replaced with something better. You sound like a great person and I have no doubt that it's going to work out for you.

[bclew]

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. I have moved this post to "dealing with the contempt" maybey we could all share how we are and be helpful to everyone.

 

 

Again Thank you.