bclew

Hello all again. i am finding that writing here is my only escape. I have to be strong everyday for my job and my kids. I have lost my wife. she has turned into a person that i never knew. when i married her we connected on so many levels but both of us had scars that were not healed. we never connected physically that was my fault. i was cheated on in my first marriage and i treated sex and fantasy like it was a dirty thing. i can not blame her for not wanting me that way. but in every other way we supported and cared for each other. well she is alitle selfish. but i was a dodder. i thought that careing and giving everything would be the answer to fulfill my empyness. after 4 years together we moved to vegas. we lost a business we worked very hard at and had no other choice. we were together her for a year and then she asked me for the separation. she had two kids that i needed to finish adopting. so we stayed married until it was done. we did move into separate houses. but i still payed her rent and her bills and bought her groceries. i thought i was doing what i was suppose to. takeing care of my responsibilities. for a couple of months we lived seperatly and i had the kids 2 days a week. but i also saw them almost every day. i did not know what she had been turning into while we were separated. she went down the road of easy pleasure and was just thinking of herself. my oldest son ran away and only wanted to talk to me because he wanted to tell me what life was like for them. how he hated what his mom was becomeing how he did'nt know her anymore. i asked them all to move back in with me so that her and i could be friends and we could be parents to the boys to ease them out of this so to speak. i did not know what she was yet i did not know what she had become. sex is the driving force in her life. girls boys seperatly together. haveing everyone pay attention to her for being sexy. only being that way being what anyone who would pay attention to her would want her to be. they boys already saw this. so i confronted her and 2 days ago she left. how can a mom the biological mom leave her kids. i knew that when i found out how she was living her life that the emotion ties that i thought i had to her were gone. but her children. i am in counseling now and so are the kids. and tonite after i put them to bed i got this feeling how can i be the dad they need. it is going to be so hard without her. we were fantastic parents together. she used to be such a warm and wonderful person. she saw thing with them i could not. I miss the way we used to be. and wish we could have tried even tried to work things out. but now it is to late. I can be stong there. but what i am i supose to do as a single dad. being a dad and a mom. i have no family where we live it is really just me and the boys. and i worry that i will not be man enouph to raise them. that i wont think of all the things she did. and i can not even think of replaceing her. atleast not for a long time. the kids could not take that. i feel empty and alone and keep hopoing that she comes back and realizes what she is giving up. but i know she won't. it will never be the same again. i feel for the first time completely alone. and while she is partying and doing what she is now. I am here raising our kids. the kids i love, and i hate her for leaveing us like this and only worrying about herself. the kids lost there biological dad becasue he was a punk that beat her. but now they have lost there mom and she is doing the same thing. I feel as if we are three misfits that i have to be the leader of and be strong be the man i am and the dad they need. but how am i supose to be the MOM as well.[/b]

This last post is very similar to my situation. I found some information over the weekend that did it for me and i can no longer be the suport and the enabler to her. i have kept the kids and the 3 of us are going to counseling. the ex is now out of the house and gone i do not expect her to ever come back. I remembered reading the post on here of how i used to be and how i let one woman tear down the strengh i used to have. It was my fault because i was not the man i should have been. I did everything for her even after our breakup. but no more. i stood my ground told her what she is to expect and have went to my family and some of hers to let them know what is going on. i have done this to get the support for myself and my kids and so we can move on without her. I am no longer in the void of depare and what i though was love but was only the lack there of it. some people are honestly heartless and those of us with a heart or feel like we have met the woman that we will spend the rest of our lives with and do what we think is right by careing for them get hurt because we offer to much of ourselves and do not ask or put limits on what we are willing to do. thank you everyone for your help ans support. you will hear from me regulary and i will post to other regulary because we are not alone. Thank you

i confronted my ex with the informatin i have learned. she got mad at me and the kids heard our conversation. i comforted them and she just sat there. she did not hug the kids one time. the problem is that they knew the people i found out about. i can not believe that my kids did not want to get comfort from there mother. they clinged to me. i layed with them for a couple of hours. when i finally got them relaxed so they knew it was not here fault or there choice that there mom and i would always be there for them and love them. i left there room. and found out that she left. she left when her kids needed her the most. how messed up is that. i did not could not and never would do that. I don't care if i have the nice guy image. i don't care if i am seen as a marter. you don't do that to your own flesh and blood. she left. as soon as i had them pasafied and stop telling here how she hurt me and that what she is doing really does effect all of us she just ran away. what is she thinking, how sane can she be. what is going through her head. why is it that a man who made a family with her. adopted her kids after a seperation was already happening, and has taken care of every business dealing bill and everything still has to be the one to comfort the kids when her lies and deception surface. what is with that. don't get me wrong i don't mind it i love my children and i honestly feel as if they are mine. but how can you do that. what is going through her mind. how can someone who was the best mom in the world turn so quickley and run to her fb's and party frriends when her family needed her the most. someone help me understand. please

i think what your doing is the right thing. you have to move on and move forward with your life. I made the mistake of waiting and thinking that things were different then they were and wondered what i was supose to do.. i wish iwould have just moved on. if you have the chance and there is a women you have a connection with be it emotional or sexual i say go for it. if you read my posts "moving on" "dealing with the contemp" and "utter hateread" then you wil see that moving on is the best thing. trust me i have learned alot being a member of this site and we are all the same and our situations are similar. if i had the chance to do it again i would have taken the chance to easy my sorrow then dwell in it.

i have tried my best to be the man i needed to be through this. if you read my other post you will see the situation i am in. She is not being the person i have known for so many years. She has turned into somthing that i can not stand. I am no pure person i have my desires and my wants as much as anyone i am just to the point in my life that i only wanted that with one person. I can not believe this is the person she has become. I can not believe that she is that. She has turned out to be worse then my first wife and that is a horrible thing. what has happened to the values of family and love what has happened to giveing back to those that give and vise versa. I love her and i can not stand it. i feel as if my heart has died. I feel as if there is nothing good in the world. I have taken care of her through all this managed everything and this is what i get in return. I want to have my revenge. but i think with me head and i know what kind of mom she used to be and what kind of woman. She has no idea of the pain and tourment she is putting our kids and us through. she is turning and has turned into what abused her and humiliated her from her first marriage. she is evil and deseptive and i do not trust now that anything in our entire marriage of 5 years was honest. that she has been doing this kind of thing all alone. i feel so empty and so destroyed. I talked to her dad today. he wants me to have custody of the kids. to let her go on her own and whind up in the gutter. He said it is the only way she will see what she has done.

I have two other posts on this message board. one is called moving on and the other is called dealing with contempt. i stumbed accross some information today while i was cleaning the house that has made me sick. It seams as if my ex wife imediatly after she asked for a seperation has been engaging in variouse sexual activitys with frends boyfriends and other things. I can not tell you what this has done to me. I can't even look at her now. I want to take the kids and get away from her as fast as i can. I did not think she had turned into this. the thing that she said she hated more then anything else. I don't know what to do. I adopted the kids with her and i do not want to lose them. because she is a woman and they have preference for custody in all states. especially nevada. I don't know what to do. I have saved info to show what she is and log all the times she leaves us and does not do things with the kids. but i live in nevada it will not be enouph. Help i need some advice I need a friend and in this area i can not turn to family or my local friends. Brett

thank you everyone for you help and advice. Hopefully i can add to someone else's life thought this post they way that you all have helped me. Thank you Brett

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. I have moved this post to "dealing with the contempt" maybey we could all share how we are and be helpful to everyone. Again Thank you.

This is a addon post to the one i did earlier called Moving on. I got great advise from all of you and i am happy to be a member of this site. My delema now is the comtemp that i have to deal with every day. I have started just being friendly to my ex letting her do what she wants and just saying have fun and i hope you enjoy yourself. (if you read my other post you will understand the background). However now all i get from her is I hate you. that was yeasterday. now today i told her i got invited to a win and cigar tasting and a specific night and she said she already had plans. so i said no big deal tues are usually your night anyway so i will just not go. then again i got the I hate you. I think she just hates me because i am being the parent she is not. or i remind her of what she wants. i am find with our breakup now. i really am but we are parents togetheri wish she could talk to me without just saying i hate you. because she does'nt. I am still her most trusted friend. I have no ideas anymore. I am trying to take care of my kids and myself. She has made a life that does not include either of us (I.E. me or the kids) and she hates me.

I do know i am enableling her behavior. she has told me that she would not be able to go through what she needs to right now if she did not know i was there. that believe me does not make me feel very good. I am moving on with my life and i spend 90% of my time with my kids. i have made the rule that no one is allowed at our house that it is a sancuary. however i feel that the kids would be far more hurt if i made her leave. they already know that i am the only one they can trust and they do not trust her. I also know that she trusts me above everyone else. i just do not know what is best. i know somthing is going on, I know she is going to hit a wall and regret alot of things. I want to protect my kids from it but if i make her leave then they will look at me as if i forced there mom away. me and the boys talk all the time and i explain to them that they still are the most important thing to there mom but that right now she is just needing to take care of some things for herself and that we are still a family and that somtimes in a family you have to understand. and that i am there for them and i make the time to be. they are alot happier now then they were. i just don't want her to think i am there for her anymore but i still want to be friendly. because i know one day she will regreat everything that is happening and hit that wall and realize there is nothing better out there and it will be to late for us then because i can not go back to her. or let me say it would be very hard for me to. she will not do counseling and i have already been. I am being strong for my kids and i am doing things for me as well. it is just so hard to understand some things. I believe that somtimes people we care about get involved in things they can not control and they still need us but we throw them away. somtimes you can't just thow someone away. I do not want to be the enabler but i also do not want to be the jerk that just walked away when someone may need more then what they are doing or saying. does this make any sense

I am currently seeing other people well trying to meet people to date. and i do have friends and we go out. I am actually quite lucky that the company i work for owns a VIP hosting company so vegas is a VIP experience for me when i go out. Jen keeps wanting me to do what she is i think so she does not feel bad about doing it herself. It is not as much the emotional stress anymore it is how to deal with the situation. I know i love her but i am moving on. I just don't know what to say somtimes and somtimes she asks me for help or wants to talk about things and i don't know how to handle it because i think she needs to do things on her own and if she has other people in her life she does not need to burden me with her greif and only show them her happiness. but i don't know what to say to be friendly and not cold. does this make any sense.

I agree with what your saying. the problem i have is that right now it will hurt the kids more if i make her move out. do you have any sujestions on how to interact with her and still be room mates for the time being. i guess what i am asking is this. I have come to terms with what she has been doing. i did show the "nice guy" thing for along time however i am not and i do take care of myself now. but i am wondering how to not seam like such a marter (sp) and still interact with the kids. basically letting her know that i have my own life and she is not part of it. and i know she has her life and i am not part of it. i want to be nice but not personal. friendly but so she knows that she can not reley on me anymore. that i am not there for her but for the kids. when she talks to me and says she is going out i just say ok have fun. she replies you could be mean to me so i did not feel so bad. i just want things to be nice but let her know i don't care but also not be an jerk about it.

I know what your saying is true. However she is so different from what she has ever been before. she is not even close to being the same person. i just feel as if she is caught up in somthing that is exciting for the time but will disapear as it becomes less new to her. I also do not understand a woman that only year ago lived her life wanting to be the best mom she could be, and that our children loved her and ran to her and could talk to her and now they don't even want to. now they want to spend all there time with me. I don't know if this is who she really is. or if she is just lost and uses the people she meets as comfort for being so insecure and so lost. i also wonder if why she does so many things to stay away from us is because we remind her of her responsabilities. she is 30 years old and i feel as if and alot of other people have commented that i ahve 3 children my 7 yr old my 11 and a 16 year old daughter that just happens to be 30. she really does act like a 16 year old spoiled brat.

I really hope someone reads this post and can offer me some advice. I am a 34 male and have had two marriges in my life. the first one was the one that destroyed my ability to trust. she cheated on me, was addicted to drugs and it ended by her sleeping with my older brother. it made me where i did not trust women and would not give myself sexually or emotionaly to anyone. A year after my divorce i met jen. she was the daughter of a friend of mine and we started dating and soon became engaged. she had a relationship similar to mine however she was pregnant at 18 and with a man that physcially and mentally abused her daily. she had two kids with him and then bounced from man to man and back to him for several years after. when we men we were what each other was looking for. i was the caring i will take care of you gentelman and she was the girl i could care for and would not hurt me. we had a good marriage and i loved her and her kids very much. we always stood by each other however we never connected emotionaly or sexually. after 5 years of marriage she asked for a separation and started dateing and sleeping with alot of men. she told me that she never loved me and that she knew our marriage was a mistake. even though we separated i still finished the adoption of the kids because i do love them as my own and they love me. there is no reason for them to lose the only dad they have ever known because of a divorce. anyway, all the time jen and i are separated she still would call me everyday just to check in. when she is in touble she calls me. but she is different now. she is very preaty and sexy and she uses that in her life now. she is dateing a guy 11 years older then her that has never been married and does not want children. and she tries to meet and do as many things as she can to stay away from us. I guess it is important to say that the kids want to live with me and we had an issue with our oldest son, he ran away from his mom and later told me how much he hated her because of what she is doing and that he does not want any other men in his life but me. so i made the sugjestion that we all move back into the same house so her and i could be parents to the kids and we could stay the friends that she wanted to stay. the problem is i love her and i realized after our split that i needed to fix some things in my life for me and i went to counseling and read and realized how closed off i have been and i have changed. I also realized that i truley loved her. Now she lives in my house. rely's on me as a friend but still goes out 2 or 3 times a week. i have gotten to the point were i don't get all twisted up inside when she does. however somthing happened yeasterday that is one of those things that keeps a small it could work out burning in me. she was going to get a promotion at work and it fell though. she called me to get my support. and later talked to me about it and said that i am the only one she can talk to about these thing because i am the only one that knows her, and that i am her best friend. then she goes out with her party friends and does not come home. she does not look at me like i am anything she looks at me like i am an isn't. as in she only see what i am not and not what i am. i am a successfull man, in good shape. better now after the divorce lol. i am fun to be around i am somwhat of a bad boy but i am also a really good man. i want her back but i don't want her the way she is being because she is not being the woman i knew for so many years. she has turned into a bar floosy. she does not spend any time with her kids. she tries to keep herself as busy as she can to stay away from us. but she still calls me every day. i know i should just tell her to hit the road but i love my kids and she used to be the best mom in the world and i feel that somday she will want that back and that i have to protect the kids from her wild quest she is on. i am nice and i let her live her life and i do go out myself just not as often. I do not have a girlfriend because i did not want to jump from one relatioship to another. I wanted to correct what i did that helped this one fail. in my heart i know we are ment to be together. we are kindred but she does not want us. this all started a year after we moved to vegas and she got lost in the world. I feel as though she is going down a road she needs to right now and i am trying to be supportive. i think i am becaue i feel that one day she is going to hit a wall and realize what she has given up. it is not an option for her to get married again and have the kids live with her. they only want to live with me. so she is giving up alot and i don't understand it. she is so smart and such a light. but now all the people that she meets she is what they want her to be. and that is just sexy. she was always sexy but now that is all she is. what is she thinking and what can i do to live with her in the situation we are in. take care of the kids. take care of myself and be just that friend to her. when her life does not involve the 3 of us. What are you supose to do when you know you love someone and you have to say goodbye to them inside but still have to live with them every day. i would really appreciate some insite and some advice. i know that the above is jumbled but i hope someone can make some sense out of it.