Can you get past your partner cheating?

[JustAGirl9009]

So this is going to be long a drawn out post. I appreciate any advice i get. I'm confused and honestly miserable at the moment. I need a change.

 

So my boyfriend and i have been togdther for about a year and a half. Hes 31. Im 26. We talked online at first and he had friends in the state i lived in so he visited them and asked if i would see him. I met him. The day we met ae actually were going on a roadtrip to see his mom. Long story short the first 5-6 months were amazing. He basically moved in with me day 1.

 

Then we decided to move where his family was. So i went to a different state. Quit my job and gave up my apartment. We ended up living in his moms basement for 4 months because we couldnt find work or a place.

 

Went back home (to my state) and got another apartment. He got a job and im still looking for work.

 

About a month into this job he started talking to this other girl. I read all the messages. She forwarded them all to me. Basically - they were talking for a month, he asked on multiple occasions when they were gonna have intercourse/when she was touching herself, they kissed.

 

I blew up and we were going to break up. I decided to try and make it work. This girl still kept trying to talk to him even after she knew he had a gf. I tried to converse with her like an adult. She just kept talking about how she was gonna 'steal my man' I ended up getting her fired out of anger. Knowing she didnt have a car so had no way to see him.

 

At one point i did think they deserved each other. Both have the same morals. About 3 wks have passed since then. My love for my bf has faded drastically since this incident. I see myself getting angry and into arguments with him over the littlest things. He gets mad when i bring it up and when i cry about it. He tells me if im gonna talk about it and cant let it go then tell him now and he'll leave.

 

Hes not trying to make this right at all. Im walking on eggshells so i dont say anything wrong and have all these emotions im feeling and i cant talk to him. He doesn't wanna be blamed for anything. Im scared hes gonna leave ME. Im not even the one that cheated but he makes me feel like im doing something wrong.

 

Even today i texted him and he asked me not to call or text its annoying. I just said okay. Im heartbroken and miserable. I love this man but i dont know what to do. Please help me.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like way too much too soon, a whirlwind romance. Is he recently divorced or out of a relationship?

 

This isn't about her, it's about him. Getting in a catfight with her won't stop him from cheating with her or with the next one. It also won't made the love or trust reappear.

 

Move back to your home, own apt and find work asap. End this, it's not working. It's chaos. He's not who you thought he was.

He basically moved in with me day 1. Quit my job and gave up my apartment. He got a job and im still looking for work.This girl still kept trying to talk to him even after she knew he had a gf. I tried to converse with her like an adult. She just kept talking about how she was gonna 'steal my man' I ended up getting her fired out of anger. Knowing she didnt have a car so had no way to see him.A My love for my bf has faded drastically since this incident. I see myself getting angry and into arguments with him over the littlest things. .

[JustAGirl9009]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like way too much too soon, a whirlwind romance. Is he recently divorced or out of a relationship?

 

He was going through a divorce when we met. They didn't live together before that though. Hes been married twice. The thing is he didnt really love them. It was more so a green card marraige. (Which he has now)

 

Sometimes i wonder if he actually wants to be with me or if his mind has conditioned him to be with somebody for sake of being in this country.

 

He has talked about never being able to be single or have freedom, etc. He has talked about moving out and still being in the relationship because he needs 'space' although that was around the time when he was talking to this other girl. I think he just wanted a place to take her as he hasn't brought this up since i told him after he cheated that i did think it was a good idea.

 

It seems to be that he always has to have a 'back up' that hes talking to. He's been very intimate with girls online but this was a first for it happening in real life.

 

The trust is gone. The love is there but faded. Im having a hard time accepting the truth.

 

It doesn't help that im ashamed of who i am because i took him back after he cheated. I always told myself i would never be that girl. I lost respect for myself and i know my friends and family have to.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry he'a a loser who uses women. Move out find work and rebuild your life. Cut your losses.

He was going through a divorce when we met. It was more so a green card marraige.

[Starlight925]

He was going through a divorce when we met. They didn't live together before that though. Hes been married twice. The thing is he didnt really love them. It was more so a green card marraige. (Which he has now)

 

 

Wait, so he's still married now?

[maccerz]

He was going through a divorce when we met. They didn't live together before that though. Hes been married twice. The thing is he didnt really love them. It was more so a green card marraige. (Which he has now)

 

Sometimes i wonder if he actually wants to be with me or if his mind has conditioned him to be with somebody for sake of being in this country.

 

He has talked about never being able to be single or have freedom, etc. He has talked about moving out and still being in the relationship because he needs 'space' although that was around the time when he was talking to this other girl. I think he just wanted a place to take her as he hasn't brought this up since i told him after he cheated that i did think it was a good idea.

 

It seems to be that he always has to have a 'back up' that hes talking to. He's been very intimate with girls online but this was a first for it happening in real life.

 

The trust is gone. The love is there but faded. Im having a hard time accepting the truth.

 

It doesn't help that im ashamed of who i am because i took him back after he cheated. I always told myself i would never be that girl. I lost respect for myself and i know my friends and family have to.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you please dont be angry with yourself for taking him back. It's SO easy to give that advice to someone else but when it's you in the situation yourself it's quite a different story. I think you know that this really isn't working though. If he was on his hands and knees begging you to forgive him and promising to make all these changes etc then it might be something worth attempting to salvage but the fact that he's telling you to stop contacting him and threatening to leave you because you're not over it yet is outrageous! He doesn't sound very sorry.. and he does't sound like he deserves you at all!

 

I know it's painful, I know the idea of being without him is probably more than you can bare but I'm telling you staying with someone you can't trust is far more unbearable. Constantly worrying about what they're doing and who they're with when they're not with you is no life. Your confidence is probably shattered at the moment and you may not be able to see the wood from the trees but I'm telling you that you're worth SO much more than this loser, you deserve to be happy and with someone who sees your amazing worth!

 

Just remember your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth! Sending all my love and positive thoughts you way, look after yourself xxx

[JustAGirl9009]

Wait, so he's still married now?

 

No, no. He had it finalized probably about 2 months into our relationship. Before that they were seperated.

[JustAGirl9009]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you please dont be angry with yourself for taking him back. It's SO easy to give that advice to someone else but when it's you in the situation yourself it's quite a different story. I think you know that this really isn't working though. If he was on his hands and knees begging you to forgive him and promising to make all these changes etc then it might be something worth attempting to salvage but the fact that he's telling you to stop contacting him and threatening to leave you because you're not over it yet is outrageous! He doesn't sound very sorry.. and he does't sound like he deserves you at all!

 

I know it's painful, I know the idea of being without him is probably more than you can bare but I'm telling you staying with someone you can't trust is far more unbearable. Constantly worrying about what they're doing and who they're with when they're not with you is no life. Your confidence is probably shattered at the moment and you may not be able to see the wood from the trees but I'm telling you that you're worth SO much more than this loser, you deserve to be happy and with someone who sees your amazing worth!

 

Just remember your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth! Sending all my love and positive thoughts you way, look after yourself xxx

 

Just reading this makes me cry all over again. Thank you for your response. I really needed to hear this.

[maccerz]

Just reading this makes me cry all over again. Thank you for your response. I really needed to hear this.

 

It's my pleasure. And it's all true! Just keep reminding yourself that you've done NOTHING wrong here. Be kind to yourself, you've been through enough without getting a constant beating from that voice inside your head! xx

[HeartGoesOn]

Although it may look good on paper, very few people can make it past cheating, especially in the long term.

 

He doesn't wanna be blamed for anything. Im scared hes gonna leave ME.

 

What are you expecting to happen if he doesn't leave? You're better off taking him down from that pedestal, and view him in a realistic light. Don't sell yourself short...

[Wiseman2]

He's on the rebound. Twice divorced, 'didn't love them', cheats, 'needs space', while living with someone/married. So many red flags.

 

Focus on extricating him from your life. Getting work asap, getting him out or moving out etc. Incredible amount of drama, damage, lies, cheating and craziness in a very short time.

He was going through a divorce when we met.Hes been married twice. The thing is he didnt really love them. It was more so a green card marraige. i wonder if he actually wants to be with me or if his mind has conditioned him to be with somebody for sake of being in this country. He has talked about moving out and still being in the relationship because he needs 'space' although that was around the time when he was talking to this other girl.

[Liraele]

 

Hes not trying to make this right at all.

 

Even today i texted him and he asked me not to call or text its annoying. I just said okay. Im heartbroken and miserable. I love this man but i dont know what to do. Please help me.

 

The first line of this says everything we really need to know about this guy. He cheated (whether they had sex or not, the intention was there. Cheating.) and is doing nothing to deserve a second chance, or earn your respect, forgiveness and love.

 

You're fighting a losing battle here, and your best bet is to cut him loose and move on with your life.