I think someone had sex with me while I was passed out

[Azriel78]

I had a birthday party for my husband. He had a couple friends show up. I got so drunk I passed out my husband said he and one of his friends had to put me to bed. Apparently a couple hours later his friend had to put him to bed cause he passed out. Idk what happened but I woke up the next morning and my vagina was sore and swollen. Later that day I told my husband and he flipped out was ready to kill his friend. Idk if he did anything to me or not. But I believe he did.

[faraday]

You should go to the hospital and have a rape kit done. I'm sorry this happened to you

[j.man]

That's a powerful allegation, the evidence for which you should be pursuing through a rape kit, not the internet. Drinking, particularly to the extent you're passing out, can cause dryness, swelling, irritation, and is a big shock to the immune system, which invites a plethora of conditions and symptoms. A physician would be in a much better position to help discern whether it's a physiological reaction from excess alcohol (or an underlying predisposition exacerbated by it) or whether there was indeed physical trauma.

 

Wishing you the best. Please don't delay.

[Capricorn3]

Could have been your husband?

[Azriel78]

I have gotten drunk many time with just my husband and never woke up sore and swollen. I have even passed out before once at my own b day party. My husband took care of me. He locked me in our room and would not let anyone near it. I woke up fine. This was his party and he got drunk as well. His friend said he put my husband to bed. All I know is its the first time I woke up like that and if I go to hospital surely they will find my husbands semen. Hell we had sex 2 days before party.

[thealchemist]

I have gotten drunk many time with just my husband and never woke up sore and swollen. I have even passed out before once at my own b day party. My husband took care of me. He locked me in our room and would not let anyone near it. I woke up fine. This was his party and he got drunk as well. His friend said he put my husband to bed. All I know is its the first time I woke up like that and if I go to hospital surely they will find my husbands semen. Hell we had sex 2 days before party.

That doesn't mean they couldn't get someone elses' semen too. You said he locked you in the bedroom when you have gotten this drunk before? Why would you be in a situation while getting drunk that you trust everyone so little you have to be locked in your bedroom. That seems off. If you party with people you trust so little that you must be locked up when passed out them I would definitely get a rape test.

[j.man]

I have gotten drunk many time with just my husband and never woke up sore and swollen. I have even passed out before once at my own b day party. My husband took care of me. He locked me in our room and would not let anyone near it. I woke up fine. This was his party and he got drunk as well. His friend said he put my husband to bed. All I know is its the first time I woke up like that and if I go to hospital surely they will find my husbands semen. Hell we had sex 2 days before party.

First of all, how often are you getting passed out drunk? And are you inviting strangers off the street so your husband can feel popular or something? I've never invited a guest I've felt the need to lock my girlfriend in the bedroom from.

 

Bottom line is no one here can tell you if someone had sex with you in your sleep or not. A rape examination goes beyond just finding semen. You'd be examined to see whether the soreness and swelling is in fact from physical trauma. Granted I've never been raped and don't really worry about it on a personal level, but I can only imagine if I had the option to possibly disqualify having been, I would. It seems you're convinced you have been and are simply looking to us to give you a completely unqualified confirmation?

[faraday]

I hate that people are commenting on how friends don't rape friends. Yes they do. All the time. Her husband was smart to lock the door if she was passed out. People suck. So don't be shaming her right now telling her that she must not have very good friends...because it happens all the freaking time. We need to teach men not to feel entitled to women's bodies, not shame women more. Jeebus.

[thealchemist]

I hate that people are commenting on how friends don't rape friends. Yes they do. All the time. Her husband was smart to lock the door if she was passed out. People suck. So don't be shaming her right now telling her that she must not have very good friends...because it happens all the freaking time. We need to teach men not to feel entitled to women's bodies, not shame women more. Jeebus.

I am not attempting to shame her. The fact is that when we said she should take a rape kit she said no. It isn't her fault that it happened but she can do things to protect herself. Sorry but no, friends don't rape friends. They aren't a friend if they take advantage of you. I have partied a lot in my life and I would never have a party at my house and have people over that would cause me to lock the door for my spouse. I stated that if you are at a party and this is a normal thing to do then I would without a doubt get checked out by a doctor. Because that means you have sketchy people over and I wouldn't trust them. I used that point of the locked door to try to convince her to take the rape test. Where I live we have a special way to deal with people like this so I take offense to accusations that I'm furthering rape culture by adding to men entitlement.

[faraday]

 

 

I would implore you to watch this TED talk. Rape happens by bfs, husbands, friends all the time. Sometimes we don't know the words, or can't explain the feeling...or even explain how or why it happened...but it does. I

[j.man]

I hate that people are commenting on how friends don't rape friends. Yes they do. All the time. Her husband was smart to lock the door if she was passed out. People suck. So don't be shaming her right now telling her that she must not have very good friends...because it happens all the freaking time. We need to teach men not to feel entitled to women's bodies, not shame women more. Jeebus.

LOL what?? Nobody shamed the OP. Nor did anyone provide any fuel for men "to feel entitled to women's bodies." Also, no one said friends don't rape friends. Normally I'd love to go t1t-for-tat down hyperbole lane, but I like you and I'll instead digress.

 

Every single person in this thread has expressed concern for the OP's situation, suggesting quite vocally and directly that she get tested to confirm physical trauma is the cause of her vaginal discomfort and inflammation. Should it be the case, whether due to her husband or her friend, she needs to get out, and yesterday. Even if it were the friend and not the husband, she's clearly in danger should the husband be inviting men capable of such an act into their home and getting then ****-faced to the point the friend is completely free to commit it.

 

And, really, man or woman, you shouldn't be getting sloshed to the point your guests need to take care of you in your own home. That's not suggesting "men are entitled to women's bodies," it's simply basic courtesy as a host and, more importantly, an exercise of situational awareness and preservation of your home and belongings, your body included.

 

Jeeeeeeeebuuuuussss

[faraday]

Saying "why are you getting black out drunk?" is victim shaming...

 

The best way to prevent rape is for the rapist NOT TO RAPE SOMEONE. We need to teach people what consent looks like...not tell women not to drink. Not teach women not to trust anyone (including friends and their husbands).

[thealchemist]

Saying "why are you getting black out drunk?" is victim shaming...

 

The best way to prevent rape is for the rapist NOT TO RAPE SOMEONE. We need to teach people what consent looks like...not tell women not to drink. Not teach women not to trust anyone (including friends and their husbands).

I'm pretty sure we all agree with you. The best way to stop rape is to stop the people doing the action. That doesn't mean it is the only way to safeguard yourself. This behavior could easily lead to the couple being robbed. It is also dangerous to be passed out drunk without either resident coherent in case of a fire, which is much more likely during a party. I'm all for anti rape culture education in schools. But there is nothing wrong with promoting behavior to protect oneself.

[faraday]

I'm pretty sure we all agree with you. The best way to stop rape is to stop the people doing the action. That doesn't mean it is the only way to safeguard yourself. This behavior could easily lead to the couple being robbed. It is also dangerous to be passed out drunk without either resident coherent in case of a fire, which is much more likely during a party. I'm all for anti rape culture education in schools. But there is nothing wrong with promoting behavior to protect oneself.

 

I'm glad that you understand this. Do you see how questioning who she's drinking with, or how much she's drinking IS putting blame on her? Saying things like that is saying, you could have prevented this.

[j.man]

Saying "why are you getting black out drunk?" is victim shaming...

 

The best way to prevent rape is for the rapist NOT TO RAPE SOMEONE. We need to teach people what consent looks like...not tell women not to drink. Not teach women not to trust anyone (including friends and their husbands).

Show me a rapist posting a thread asking whether or not he should rape a woman and I'll be happy to tell him not to.

 

I absolutely refuse to infantilize women, suggesting they be helpless to those who I can't personally talk or, preferably, punch sense into.

 

If you're reading that we're blaming the OP for the [potential] actions of others, it's because you want to.

 

Is it self loathing to lock your front door at night? To still look both ways before you cross even if there's a stop sign?

[faraday]

My point earlier though was regarding the comment on drinking in a houseful of people you don't know. The judgement on drinking with people who the husband felt the need to lock the door around...What I was trying to say is...it doesn't matter. A large percentage of rapes occur by friends, family or the persons spouse. She wasn't anymore safe being with friends/family/acquaintances than with complete strangers. It sucks.

 

 

[faraday]

Okay, so don't drink too much. Don't be around strangers.

 

Check.

 

What else should a woman do to protect herself? Obviously don't dress like a .

 

According to statistics, she shouldn't have a bf, a husband, friends or family.

 

Or is that different? Is it self loathing to have a bf or husband when they're more likely to rape you than a stranger? Is it self loathing for women to talk to the plumber, the clerk at the grocery store, the friend of a friend at a party...even though that acquaintance is the mostly likely person to rape them?

[RainyCoast]

people, often people close to the victims rape all the time, yes. people should also be taught to respect others, to not imply consent, to not opportunistically help themselves to others as sex props and so forth.

 

however, speaking for myself, and what i would also personally be teaching girls or boys if i had them, is to not rely on other people and circumstance to ensure you are safe, respected, not violated or taken advantage of. i mean generally in life, you are more than welcome to want to not experience trouble, but to count on that just happening through others isn't very efficient. i don't neglect the red light and cross the street counting on speeding cars to spare me. i don't pass out drunk for the same reason.

that isn't implying blame. that is telling people to watch their backs. people aren't saying victims are blame worthy, but that they are worth more than experiencing such a thing if they can help it. many cases are way beyong a victims piwer to prevent. and many events can be prevented. if i teach a child to watch out i am not telling her she would be at fault if something were to happen.

 

i worry about ppl passing out drunk repeatedly. for one thing. perhaps i'm a terribly square boring nerd, but i have managed to go through life without passing out morbidly drunk, or requiring others to get me to bed- and lock the door behind me. certainly things happen to defenseless people, and if i am aware of that, i want to have my faculties about me so that i don't have to count on another's morals or basic precautions.

 

for the other thing, i worry that so many postpone a doctors visit. you are aware you have a very short window to work in if you want to eliminate or prove assault?! if you are so certain you have been raped by a friend, what are you hoping to achieve by making sure you avoid the examination which may offer proof? i understand victims being parlyzed with shock, but ut's equal effort explaining the situation to a doctor as online, plus your husband is in shape to get you to a hospital, right? or is he relying to deal with an alleged rapist himself?

 

thirdly, there are other reasons one may experience those symptoms. certainly they call for medical attention either way, so you should really be checked out.

 

although you mention a habit of passing out, in case there drugs involved in getting the two of you unconscious, the ship has sailed long ago.

 

 

best you can do atm i guess is see a doc for your symptoms and talk to a counselor about the event.

 

you really need to act quickly when you suspect this sort of thing.

[RainyCoast]

also i think it's quite a leap from "passing out may not be agood idea" to telling people what to wear or not to talk to the plumber.

 

i also fail to see where anyone has made it "the WOMAN'S" fault, blame, responsibility or basic self care. i for one am equally worried about the hubs just passing out, and even wondered whether they may both have been drugged. plenty of other explanations, but...it happens.

 

i hate to see threads like these turn into a gender bias when noone even implied it in the first place.

 

and again, i absolutely agree the discourse is shaped by the audience. seldom do we get the chance to talk to a confessed rapist. though when we talk to aggressors, i do not think we tend to blame their spouses/victims.

[RainyCoast]

darn sorry for the typos.

[faraday]

people, often people close to the victims rape all the time, yes. people should also be taught to respect others, to not imply consent, to not opportunistically help themselves to others as sex props and so forth.

 

however, speaking for myself, and what i would also personally be teaching girls or boys if i had them, is to not rely on other people and circumstance to ensure you are safe, respected, not violated or taken advantage of. i mean generally in life, you are more than welcome to want to not experience trouble, but to count on that just happening through others isn't very efficient. i don't neglect the red light and cross the street counting on speeding cars to spare me. i don't pass out drunk for the same reason.

 

i worry about ppl passing out drunk repeatedly. for one thing. perhaps i'm a terribly square boring nerd, but i have managed to go through life without passing out morbidly drunk, or requiring others to get me to bed- and lock the door behind me. certainly things happen to defenseless people, and if i am aware of that, i want to have my faculties about me so that i don't have to count on another's morals or basic precautions.

 

for the other thing, i worry that so many postpone a doctors visit. you are aware you have a very short window to work in if you want to eliminate or prove assault?! if you are so certain you have been raped by a friend, what are you hoping to achieve by making sure you avoid the examination which may offer proof? i understand victims being parlyzed with shock, but ut's equal effort explaining the situation to a doctor as online, plus your husband is in shape to get you to a hospital, right? or is he relying to deal with an alleged rapist himself?

 

thirdly, there are other reasons one may experience those symptoms. certainly they call for medical attention either way, so you should really be checked out.

 

although you mention a habit of passing out, in case there drugs involved in getting the two of you unconscious, the ship has sailed long ago.

 

best you can do atm i guess is see a doc for your symptoms and talk to a counselor about the event.

 

you really need to act quickly when you suspect this sort of thing.

 

I think the reason for delay is probably because she is questioning whether it happened...and if the police will believe her at all.

 

When I was 20, one of my friend/coworkers came over one night after work, and we had a couple of drinks...and he tried to rape me. Meaning, he was pulling off my clothes while I fought him off. He was my buddy though and I trusted him. It took me close to 5 years to be able to acknowledge that he tried to rape me. After it happened, I stopped talking to him. He quit- like stopped going in to work. I saw him once after it happened and he could barely look at me. I was so ashamed. Mutual friends divided among us- there were never any accusations made, just...I didn't want to be around him anymore, and I'm sure he felt the same about me. People blamed me for him quitting. I felt responsible.

 

No one knows how someone will react when they're assaulted. People shouldn't tell them how they should react, or insinuate things by saying speculative things like, "if you're so certain you were raped by a friend, what are you hoping to avoid...".

 

Yeah, it's so weird that women are ashamed and don't want to come forward...with so much judgement on how much they drank, how they should act, etc. So weird that they don't want to say anything. Maybe that's why she's posting on an anonymous forum before gathering courage to say anything. I'm sure that all of the self righteous "you should have protected yourself" comments have really steeled her, strengthened her, given her the confidence to go forward and seek help.

 

Good job everyone!

[RainyCoast]

well. they steeled me. whereas "there are rapists everywhere and they should not get to rape me while i renounce self defense and professional help" hasn't helped, much as i empathize- and genuinely so.

 

the assumptions on here that people are merely passing judgement from a high horse i can sort of understand, given the ena atmosphere. yet, it is ironically quite judgemental to assume people are being sanctimonious and unempathic for verbalizing lessons they have gathered in ways that were both humbling and empowering. i don't think the posters on here were passing judgement at all. in fact, i saw something profoundly different.

 

it saddens me to see the context narrowed. to a gender bias, inferred insensitivity and unproductive wailing about abusers. and this comes from someone with extensive history of abuse.

the context proposed by many people here was one i personally find applicable in life in general.

 

 

to muse on here about whether or not you've been raped until you have wasted every chance of having it ruled out or confirmed strikes me as much less helpful. i have both personal and proffessional experience with important matters being delayed due to paralyzing fear, and i'm sure it is not just me. i find the enlightening information that we don't get people are in schock amusing. in this instance though, an alarmingly sore vagina, violated or not, should have one hopping to the doctor. if one suffers with paralyzing fear so bad as to completely prevent them to act accordingly, it is double cause to seek medical help. anyone close to a rape victim would likewise do well to seek help, especially given the distress and reluctance of victims to do so themselves. a husband who suspects his wife has been raped should want her to get medical and psychological help, and the abuser reported, exclaiming he is ready to kill him is understandable but not helpful. posters suggested what they could, and what is realistically efficient, because wondering about what causes her soreness and whether her friends are rapists online is useless. i see no reason to congradulate them on their "failure".

 

so..it is important to educate men not to rape. but to suggest helpful ways for both men and women to approach issues with potential abuse is gender bias and victim blaming. glad that was cleared up.

 

hopefully op has since taken some advice to heart and sought professional attention.

[Azriel78]

I never said no just the fact that I was afraid because I had sex with my husband 2 days before. I have never been through anything like this and I didnt know if they would pick other thing up or not. Anyways it turns out I was raped and he is paying for it. I can't believe ppl don't read everything before they post. On my b day he locked me in the room. Ppl showed up that were friends of the ppl we invited. We didn't know them so he did lock me in the room and I have only passed out twice in the 10 years I have drank and it was his party for his b day and his friends. We thought they were good ppl. Never thought this would happen. Anyway that guy thanks to my husband is no longer welcome to our home.

[RainyCoast]

I'm sorry it turned out it was rape. I hope they were able to gather enough evidence of who it was and that he is being persecuted.

 

I would strongly recommend commencing psychological treatment immediately, for your husband as well. The aftermath of sexual abuse can be even more devastating than the event itself, and linger indefinitely if not treated.

 

If your parties involve unfamiliar guests, i would also suggest reading up on rape drugs - institutes of toxicology or rape prevention organizations may have the info published on their pages. I am still wondering whether there may not have been drugs involved, as even after heavy drinking, to not even be stirred half-awake by forceful coitus strikes me as unusual. These drugs can only be detected very shortly after administration, as the hospital has probably told you. I am not sure, but it would sound reasonable that someone who premeditates assault in such a way and goes through the bother of incapacitating two people would also be sentenced more heavily. if you have teenagers or plan to have them, info on rape drugs is handy.

 

I hope you get plenty of help, and see justice served.

 

We have a member Seraphim who is very helpful regarding the experience of rape while incapacitated, and information on treatment options. You can find it in the journals section.