I want our life back!

[jielb2]

I need help, I'm confused and very hurt.

 

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 5 years! We have been broken up for about 3 mos. He had been cheating on me for a year, saying our life got too routine and he is no longer in love with me. He wanted to see other people. This women he has been seeing behind my back, is still in his life. Now he tells me he cannot decide between the two of us and he needs space. He says there is still a chance that we might get back together in the future. He tells me everyday that he loves me, but not 100%. We spend our days off together and talk on a daily basis (unless he is in a bad mood then he ignores me). I want us to be a couple again, but I don't know how to go about doing this. Friends say to let go, but like alot of you know its not that easy. Can anyone help me win him back. To prove to him that I am the better women. How can I make him want me?

[greenie35]

I need help, I'm confused and very hurt.

 

He had been cheating on me for a year . He tells me everyday that he loves me, but not 100%. (unless he is in a bad mood then he ignores me). Friends say to let go. To prove to him that I am the better women. quote]

 

The best way to prove that you are the better woman would be to let him go. Keep your chin up and don't drop your pride for this man. He betrayed you in the worst way. Cheating is unacceptable and if he can't give you 100% then it's not worth any further suffering. I know it's not easy...

[HeavenLee]

Quite simply, no.... you can't make him want you. No one can control how someone else thinks or feels. He either does or he doesn't, and I'm afraid to say it, but it truly sounds like he doesn't. Why are you making this so easy for him? He cheated, lied and betrayed you for over a year, and you are scampering desperately to get him back. Why? Are you telling him that it's perfectly fine to cheat on you, and that you will accept it and keep taking it back? Have some pride and walk away... if he really wants to be with you he will fight to the death to get you back. Take him back without him having to take responsibility for what he did is just setting a standard that will ultimately make you very unhappy.

 

As for having to prove you are the better woman... OMG!! If he really loved you he would already know this. You wouldn't have to convince him of anything. Or are you trying to convince yourself more? If you really want to convince yourself that you are the better person here, take whatever little self esteem you have left, your pride, dignity, and get the hell away from this guy. Find a real man who knows how to treat you, and doesn't have to think about it for 3 months (and still be confused). Find someone who actually WANTS to be with you of his own free will, and doesn't want to sleep with other people to satisfy him. This guy will do nothing but drag you down, play you, and fully utilise this control he has over you. Listen to your friends. They are giving you valid advice for a reason... because they actually care about you.

[RayKay]

This is what decent, respectful, loving and caring partners DON'T do when they feel things have gotten too routine:

 

- Cheat.

 

This is what decent, respectful, loving and caring partners DO do when they feel things have gotten too routine:

 

- Communicate with their partners to find ways to reignite and rediscover one another or to find solutions.

 

I am not even sure why you are stressing so much about what YOU have to do to get him back. Honey, he betrayed you AND your relationship for a year. He intentionally did things to destroy his relationship with you and to hurt you. How do you prove you are a better woman? By not even giving him the opportunity to be able to treat you this way and have you welcome him back with open, no forget that, begging arms. All you are doing is sending the message that it is okay for him to do this to you, and that you don't feel you deserve any better. Well guess what - you most definitely DO. And you WILL do better.

 

Don't you WANT someone who is sure they love you 100% and does not tell you that they don't love you 100%? Don't you feel you deserve someone who treats you as you treat them and who would put forth an equal commitment and value to the relationship (including not cheating!) as you would? Until you yourself feel you deserve those things, you won't receive them, so be strong, walk away from this guy and tell him he does not even have an chance to "decide" anymore and stick to it. If he really wants you he'll fight for you and not juggle between two woman, but I honestly think you deserve so much better than this guy.

 

Good luck, and be strong...time will heal and better things will come along, I promise. There are too many decent, great men out there to waste your time on this one.

[Mun]

Girl, I understand your pain and that you must be devastated about this. This is a situation I don't wish on anyone.

 

But...Honey, love yourself.

Forget about competing with other women, they are not your problem, HE IS. He has lied and deceived you for a year, a woman he said he loved, grab a hold of youself and walk away. If this had been a one time mistake...and he was very sorry, that's one thing, but a year and he is still with her?

 

If this is how he deals with boredom... Don't you think that he could cheat again at the next sign of trouble? Come on girl, I know you love him and you can't let go, but this is one of those times where your pride and dignity should step in and save you.

 

Has the relationship always been on his terms? Be indignant and insulted--he knows he is doing wrong. If you let him walk all over you he will never respect you.. and he will continue to hurt you because you are showing him you don't feel you deserve better. Show him that you expect respect, that his behavior is unacceptable.

 

You can have a man that loves you and values you, but only you can gauge your worth--don't leave that to a man who has cheated on you.

 

Stand up for yourself and show him what you're made of. Have pride and dignity--and show him what he is leaving behind.

[shockeddismayed]

jielb,

 

I am totally in agreement with the girls...

 

From a "guys" perspective.... After having been in a long-term relationship with a woman I loved, I can tell you that temptation doesn't always completely go away. Certainly there are times for men or women when we have to think with our head (and heart) and say "no, I won't cheat, even if I am attracted to that person".

 

So I can sometimes understand it (from a guy's perspective) when a *one-time* mistake happens... hormones can sometimes be powerful drugs. It doesn't make it right, but at least it boils down to something biological and primal.... not something spiritual.

 

But what this guy has done to you with this other woman is different. NOBODY who has any class would lie and cheat for this long.... it is an insult that goes deeper than "sex", and I personally would find what he has done is an insult to my soul... you can insult anything you want about me and I will probably forgive you..... but NOBODY insults my soul!!!!

 

He has betrayed the relationship, the trust, your uniqueness,.... betrayed everything that makes a relationship special. And what is worse, he isn't even sorry about it... if he were, he wouldn't have kept doing it OVER and OVER again.

 

To top it all off, he is continuing to string you along and use you. He's telling you clearly, that the "all of you" that you are willing to offer him isn't enough... or worse yet, it's *too much* for him. He wants you in pieces.

 

If you keep allowing this shadow of a man to mistreat you, I fear that is what you become... broken pieces of the wonderful person that you are.

 

Walk away from him... total NC... and just see if he is good enough for you. If he is, he'll change his ways and chase you down for as long as you want him to chase.

 

If he can't do that, he's not worth any more tears. You deserve better.

[justsweetgirl]

I would forget about wanting to prove you are the "better woman." And, instead, find a better man. You did nothing wrong. He was unfaithful. He loves you, but not "100%"? Gee, how reassuring and romantic. Please, do not have any contact with him until you can see him for what he really is. He is stringing you along and you are worth more than that. Stay away. I know it is hard, but it isn't impossible. And it will get better. Believe me, I know. You deserve to be respected and appreciated by someone who wants you and only you. If this is indeed a contest, than he surely is the loser. Good luck.

[chai714]

Quite simply, no.... you can't make him want you. No one can control how someone else thinks or feels.

 

I don't agree with this comment. You CAN influence the way someone thinks and feels about you. How do you think love happens . .by chance? No . .by actions, and specifically, by your actions and how you make that person feel. You can influence most situations in life - some to a higher degree, some to a lesser degree.

 

Right now, I think it would be wise to implement NC though. Appear as if you no longer care. Turn on the ice immediately. He can probably sense how bad you want him back. Tactically, most people can be brought back into your life, through the use of psychological tactics and learning how people work. Keep your chin up. Everything will be ok down the road after you make it through these rough waters.

[HeavenLee]

Quite simply, no.... you can't make him want you. No one can control how someone else thinks or feels.

 

I don't agree with this comment. You CAN influence the way someone thinks and feels about you. How do you think love happens . .by chance? No . .by actions, and specifically, by your actions and how you make that person feel. You can influence most situations in life - some to a higher degree, some to a lesser degree.

 

To a certain extent I agree, but the fact is, if he doesn't want to be with her, then nothing she can do or say will change that. Yes, you can influence, but the other person has to be open to that to allow it to happen. You can't be "convinced" or "worn down" to want to love someone and treat them with respect. This guy obviously doesn't care either way about her feelings... and I don't see very much that she can do to change that. He simply doesn't want to feel that way about her, or he may be self obsessed and not care about anyone but himself - it may just be the way he's built. And if it was possible to influence people, then good, loving women (or men) would not get abused and disrespected by their partner. They wouldn't fall in love with creeps to begin with.

 

Also, I'm sure that jielb2 showed actions that should have influenced him to feel good about her - I'm sure she gave him much love, respect etc. And he cheated on her... for a year. So while you may be able to influence someone to a certain degree, you still really can't control what they will or won't think, or what they will or won't do. It's purely up to the other person to make their own choices on how they treat people, whether they will love someone etc. Jielb2 has probably given her best to satisfy this guy, but the fact is, no matter how lovely, caring, honest, loving she is... he is just looking for something else, or he's simply a jerk. Maybe he doesn't even know what it is. But if he really loved her, he would have no doubts... wouldn't have to think about it.. and wouldn't have to test the waters with someone else (and cheat for a year to accomplish that)...