Worried about a party my ex will likely be at.

[Seymore]

Backstory short: Broke up with abusive ex, after a year and a half she's still trying to get to me, but I've moved on to the point where I'm learning that she's reaching and to brush things aside. She's blocked from everything I can think of, but she somehow every couple of months she still finds lines of communication that even I've forgotten about, which I won't get into so I don't get into too much detail, and I block her as those come. I still have dreams of my ex and her kids but I'm getting better about not letting it ruin the day to come.

 

Relevant backstory: My ex an I have/had a close mutual friend from the school they attend (and which I left after the breakup), I'll call her D. D has three kids, all of whom looked up to me and thought of me as one of their best friends. I have a strong feeling D and my ex still communicate. Last year, D asked me to come to the school we all trained at so her kids could give me a birthday present. I hesitated because I had a feeling my ex would be there but D assured me she wouldn't be there. So I went, nerves wracked even though ex wasn't there at the time, and they were all so happy to see me and I was happy to see them. D had suggested that maybe in a year things would be okay again and I could make it to her daughter's Quinceanera. I said we will see how the coming year pans out. Well, while my ex had been trying to get a hold of me since the breakup, after that day my ex ramped up the attempts to contact me, which made me suspicious that someone at the school told my ex I was around again, leading me to change my phone number and as a result cut off D, her kids and everyone associated with my ex. I cut off over a dozen friends (just about my entire network of friends) by doing that, basically. I hadn't communicated with anyone from the school since then and even though it felt terrible to do so, stopped sending birthday cards to D's kids after consulting my therapist who agreed I should do so, hoping to close that chapter of my life and start new.

 

In the time that's passed since then, my ex has continued to make attempts to contact me, going so far as to show up in my building, which I covered in a previous thread. I had gotten the police involved but my ex, being the weasel she is, has made attempts through herself, her friends and family to MY friends and family to communicate. I've been getting on with my life and lately have started to see any breakthrough she's made to get to me as less of a threat and more of an annoyance and they've gotten less and less frequent, so I've begun to brush things aside.

 

Last week, after a year of zero contact, I got an e-mail from the owner of the school asking if I had their logo, as he had lost his copy - also that D was taking over the school and would need my help with advertising, which was my specialty with him when I was there.

 

Today, as I feared, I got an invitation from D to her daughter's Quinceanera. I know there is a VERY large possibility my ex will be there (when I was in therapy, my therapist had told me any interaction at all with her could be dangerous) and I don't want to be a jerk to D's daughter, but if I show up there is a strong possibility there will be drama. Either my ex will show up alone and attempt to communicate with me, possibly resetting the attempts to get to me, or she will wind up drunk and make a scene, or she will end up drunk and I might have a few leading to the worst possible outcome (use your imagination), or she will show up with another guy and, I can't lie, I'll feel lousy. Or my ex won't show (again, extremely unlikely) and I'll reunite with the other students from the school and word could get back to my ex. Any way it's cut, It'll be D's daughter's day and I don't want anything to detract from that. My line of thought was they were my ex's friends first so if anyone should be there the ex should.

 

The other option, I figured, is to send a card with money and a nice note. However, I'm afraid that word will get back to my ex that I'm communicating with them and she'll start up again. Either that, or her siblings will attempt to communicate with me again. It's a slippery slope and I'm worried. My best friend said that that life and those people are behind you and that any of the above options could set you back in a BIG way...

 

Should I just not reply at all? Should I stop all communication with anyone who are friends with my ex? I worry sometimes that maybe I'm paranoid but emotionally, I can't afford to find out.

[boltnrun]

Too much drama, speculation, what ifs. And ye gad, you'd actually have sex with this woman??? After everything???

 

I'd send a nice gift directly to the daughter but not attend. If the ex is blocked you shouldn't have to worry.

 

Unless...you really want a hookup with the crazy ex, in which case I'd have to argue which of you was the crazy one!

[Seymore]

I'd have to argue which of you was the crazy one!

 

That's why I'm in therapy but thanks.

 

I do get where you're coming from though.

[catfeeder]

I'd send a nice card and gift and move on with life.

[Seymore]

I did. I wrote her a letter as well, wishing her well in high school (the same I attended) and wishing her and her family well in the "years to come" - hopefully sending the message that I'm done.

 

I just feel like a total jerk, I guess. I'm blowing off these kids who thought so highly of me, but I know the girl whose party it's for is close friends with my ex's son so I was hesitant. I worry that any communication will get back to my ex and she'll start up again. Either that or the girl's family will start up communication again and while I love those kids, I want to cut off ties and not be perceived as a jerk.

 

I don't want to leave that whole family behind but it's for my own good. If I get involved again I'll wind up involved with my ex in one form or another. They don't seem to understand that but I don't want to call out names or force sides. They were my ex's friends first and they should stay her friends.

 

To be honest, deep down I hate the fact that my ex gets to hang on to these wonderful people who don't know what she is or what she did (because I know for a fact she can't admit fault and is painting herself as the victim), and I'm here - while moving on - being perceived as someone who just ditched them - while I literally think of them almost every single day and even have dreams about them.

[LordRorek]

To be honest, deep down I hate the fact that my ex gets to hang on to these wonderful people who don't know what she is or what she did (because I know for a fact she can't admit fault and is painting herself as the victim), and I'm here - while moving on - being perceived as someone who just ditched them - while I literally think of them almost every single day and even have dreams about them.

Dude I totally undertand how you feel. I don't know what my EX is saying or not syaing about me but I do know that in all probability she is either A. just remaining silent while her family bad mouthes me to her new boyfriend and others. or B. Painting me as a man child who will never grow up and herself as the victim of my lazy worthless ass.

 

Both possibilities are equally crappy and just grind my gears to no end.

[catfeeder]

I'm here - while moving on - being perceived as someone who just ditched them - while I literally think of them almost every single day and even have dreams about them.

 

No need to frame this in such extremes. You're not attending a party. So what? That's not exactly loaded with some whopper of finality, it just means you can see whoever you choose at some later date and on your own terms. Or not.

 

Most things don't require giant 'fork in the road' decisions. Imposing those on single events only makes you miserable for no reason. Pipe down and allow life to teach you what will be the best courses of action for you down the road.

 

Some of the wisest decisions are simply to NOT decide anything at this moment. Practice getting comfortable with that, and you'll learn over time that knocking yourself out by projecting monumental importance on everything is too exhausting and not required.