No hope?

[anon2633]

Hi everyone i'm going to try to keep this short

 

My bf and I are great together when we are on good terms. Hes like my best friend and we share everything. We hang out with each other about half the week and take time apart the other half as agreed. We have gotten into arguments about stupid things and they all just add up to the point where we are tired of it. He tells me he wants to be together and likes us as we are but he has no hopes for us at the moment. What exactly does that mean? If there is no hope shouldn't we break up?

[anon2633]

Hi everyone i'm going to try to keep this short

 

My bf and I are great together when we are on good terms. Hes like my best friend and we share everything. We hang out with each other about half the week and take time apart the other half as agreed. We have gotten into arguments about stupid things and they all just add up to the point where we are tired of it. He tells me he wants to be together and likes us as we are but he has no hopes for us at the moment. What exactly does that mean? If there is no hope shouldn't we break up?

 

Also, i must add that he tells me he has no hopes because he cannot predict the future. I am not sure how I should take all of this I am actually very hurt by this. I want to be with him and he wants to be with me but this makes me question why he would have no hope for us.

[HannahDD]

Were you fighting when he told you this?

Maybe he meant that he doesn't know if the two of you have a future together? But since he didn't broke up with you, I don't think he's sure about it...

[anon2633]

Were you fighting when he told you this?

Maybe he meant that he doesn't know if the two of you have a future together? But since he didn't broke up with you, I don't think he's sure about it...

 

Yes this was all after an argument which I thought was settled he doesnt want to break up with me because he truly enjoys our time together and says I am the healthiest relationship hes ever been in. I took it as him not believing in us or maybe him not wanting us to work out in the long run but I could be wrong. I hope that I am.

 

Arguments really take a toll on us and makes us both lose hope but I didnt think all hope was gone

[HannahDD]

Maybe you should talk to him about it. Sometimes we say things we didn't meant to during an argument... Whatever he answers is better than not knowing.

[anon2633]

Maybe you should talk to him about it. Sometimes we say things we didn't meant to during an argument... Whatever he answers is better than not knowing.

 

He told me he's never been the hopeful type hes more logical and doesn't look into the future because he cannot predict what happens. I think there should at least be some hope. He tells me he will be hurt if I leave him and he wants us to work out. If he has no hope why would he want us to work out?

 

Thank you for taking the time to give me advice, its very appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like whatever chronically unresolved conflicts there are, are taking their toll. It sounds like he's checking out if the relationship preparing to downshift to fwb.

We have gotten into arguments about stupid things and they all just add up to the point where we are tired of it. He tells me he wants to be together and likes us as we are but he has no hopes for us at the moment.

[No1]

If you two have been in arguments, then he has dropped hints on what is going on. You either did not hear them or refuse to accept what is said. To me, it sounds like he wants to break up, but he has no reason good enough to fully let you go, but he doesnt want to hurt you. I think this is what leads to the rubber banding. You are together and its great, then you guys are apart, then snap back together and so on.

 

From his actions, it seems to me he doesnt want to be with you. He says things like "I dont like looking into the future" because he doesnt see you in it and doesnt want to tell you. I think this relationship is done. If he wants you, he would of let you know

[anon2633]

If you two have been in arguments, then he has dropped hints on what is going on. You either did not hear them or refuse to accept what is said. To me, it sounds like he wants to break up, but he has no reason good enough to fully let you go, but he doesnt want to hurt you. I think this is what leads to the rubber banding. You are together and its great, then you guys are apart, then snap back together and so on.

 

From his actions, it seems to me he doesnt want to be with you. He says things like "I dont like looking into the future" because he doesnt see you in it and doesnt want to tell you. I think this relationship is done. If he wants you, he would of let you know

 

Im not sure if thats the case with him he's been hurt before in relationships that scarred him like being cheated multiple times by a girl he thought he loved and I guess since then he never wants to fully think of the future if most relationships end. We talked about it and he tells me he wants me still wants to be with me hes just not sure whats going to happen. He still makes the effort to see me. If he truly wanted to break up I think he would say it because he is very blunt he always tells the truth even if it hurts me because he doesnt like sugar coating things which I actually appreciate.

 

I know its not fair and he has changed a lot and made compromises since we started dating. He used to be very closed off since his first heartbreak and I am his first long term since then (he's had other gf's before but never anything really serious)

 

I care for him so much and he cares for me. But is it worth waiting for? Do you think he will ever fully heal so he has hope?

[anon2633]

Unfortunately it sounds like whatever chronically unresolved conflicts there are, are taking their toll. It sounds like he's checking out if the relationship preparing to downshift to fwb.

 

I dont think hes looking for a fwb and neither am I. If the relationship is over then thats that. I truly think hes like this and negative about relationships because hes been hurt and he stopped having hope but im not completely sure.

[MissCanuck]

Who hasn't been hurt in past relationships? Be it from cheating, or just plain not working out, all of us have our past pain. I know I sure do.

 

The point is whether or not we cart that around to subsequent relationships. I myself suffered a pretty significant betrayal a few years ago. It was awful and changed my life in many ways. The relationship following that one was toxic and also changed me in important ways. Was I hesitant to open my heart again? Absolutely. But when I met my current partner, I saw something very special in him and we took it slowly. I learned to trust my instincts and allow myself to let those walls down bit by bit. I can say with confidence that I see a future with him, and I've been able to say that for a while.

 

We are all different, but your boyfriend's assertion that he doesn't know what the future holds (and nobody does, really) means one of two things, in my opinion: A) He is nowhere near ready to take your relationship any further and has a lot of inner work to do before he gets there, or B) He doesn't see you in his future.

 

A lot this depends on what you want now. Do you want someone with whom you know you're on the same page in terms of objectives for the relationship? Because if so, your boyfriend isn't it. He isn't going to give you those assurances and he's not planning a future, as it stands.

 

You can wait and give it time, if you feel it's worth it, but you will need to set a mental timeline for yourself. Let's say, after 6 months or a year - if he still says he doesn't know what the future holds, what are you going to do?

[anon2633]

Who hasn't been hurt in past relationships? Be it from cheating, or just plain not working out, all of us have our past pain. I know I sure do.

 

The point is whether or not we cart that around to subsequent relationships. I myself suffered a pretty significant betrayal a few years ago. It was awful and changed my life in many ways. The relationship following that one was toxic and also changed me in important ways. Was I hesitant to open my heart again? Absolutely. But when I met my current partner, I saw something very special in him and we took it slowly. I learned to trust my instincts and allow myself to let those walls down bit by bit. I can say with confidence that I see a future with him, and I've been able to say that for a while.

 

We are all different, but your boyfriend's assertion that he doesn't know what the future holds (and nobody does, really) means one of two things, in my opinion: A) He is nowhere near ready to take your relationship any further and has a lot of inner work to do before he gets there, or B) He doesn't see you in his future.

 

A lot this depends on what you want now. Do you want someone with whom you know you're on the same page in terms of objectives for the relationship? Because if so, your boyfriend isn't it. He isn't going to give you those assurances and he's not planning a future, as it stands.

 

You can wait and give it time, if you feel it's worth it, but you will need to set a mental timeline for yourself. Let's say, after 6 months or a year - if he still says he doesn't know what the future holds, what are you going to do?

 

Should I voice this timeline to him? I would say if another year passes and he still sees no future than I will not just stick around and wait.

 

He was hurt and became depressed and very dark he lacks emotion because I feel like he shut that part of him down after being hurt which isnt fair to me I have been trying to be the best gf I can so there are no doubts and he has no reason not to trust me.

[MissCanuck]

No, I would not voice the timeline to him.

 

See what progress he makes (or doesn't make) all on his own initiative. Simply observe, and encourage any positive steps you see. You don't want him to go through the motions simply for your benefit, which is why I wouldn't tell him you're given yourself a timeline, per se. Whatever he does from here should be happening solely because he wants it to, not because he feels he "should" do it. I don't think you will need a full year to get some clarity though. You will likely know relatively soon whether he feels strongly enough to continue the relationship.

[anon2633]

No, I would not voice the timeline to him.

 

See what progress he makes (or doesn't make) all on his own initiative. Simply observe, and encourage any positive steps you see. You don't want him to go through the motions simply for your benefit, which is why I wouldn't tell him you're given yourself a timeline, per se. Whatever he does from here should be happening solely because he wants it to, not because he feels he "should" do it. I don't think you will need a full year to get some clarity though. You will likely know relatively soon whether he feels strongly enough to continue the relationship.

 

Okay thank you I will give it a try. We've only been together for around a year and I got worried when he tells me hes never had hope in relationships because a majority of them fail because if theres no hope what is the point of even being in a relationship.

[MissCanuck]

The more you write, the more it sounds like this is going nowhere fast.

 

He's not emotionally available enough to be in a relationship, in my opinion.

[anon2633]

The more you write, the more it sounds like this is going nowhere fast.

 

He's not emotionally available enough to be in a relationship, in my opinion.

 

I almost agree but its hard to let him go because hes great to me and treats me right. Hes affectionate towards me although he was never the affectionate type and he also lost it to me not sure if that really matters but I am special to him. He does things to make me happy and makes compromises to be with me. Why would he do these things if he didnt want to be with me in the end? He tells me he chose to be with me if he didnt believe in us somewhat he wouldnt be with me to begin with and he explained that maybe the reason he doesnt have hope is because we argue and they get pretty bad but we have definitely been arguing a lot less.

 

We both started off with poor communication skills that led to arguments getting out of hand but now we argue a lot less and handle them better. He says maybe later he will feel more hope depending how we are. He admits that hes bad at arguing but for some reason after arguments he still wants me and doesnt like me any less.

 

In his relationship before he would have never handled it like he handles me. I can be difficult when we argue so I am partially to blame and he broke up with his ex for that reason only after a few months of dating.

 

I guess thats why i feel like we still have a chance.

[Wiseman2]

He may be nice when it's good, etc but someone who embraces relationship-nihilism as a philosophy will be an uphill climb for you to deal with..

he tells me hes never had hope in relationships because a majority of them fail because if theres no hope what is the point of even being in a relationship.

[LaHermes]

Any couple who tell you they never argue are lying through their teeth. That said, constant arguing is destructive, and it is well worth looking up the Gottman.com site. Here is an excerpt from an article by Dr. Gottman:

 

"Even the most successful relationships have conflict. Our research has shown that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve,” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects. The first step in effectively managing conflict .."

 

Criticism: A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame. Talk about your feelings using I statements and then express a positive need. What do you feel? What do you need?..."

[No1]

I have used a previous relationship to get out or stay out of a relationship I didnt want to be in. I think its safe to say that most of us here has been thru pain in a heartbreak. Some might use that as an excuse, some dont. But regardless of the excuse given, he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you. Would you feel better if he said "I want to work on myself, I dont feel that Im ready for a long term relationship, I want to find myself, I have to get my career going, i want to finish school, I am not good enough for you, You are too good for me, I cant see myself with anyone else" Pick one because they all mean the same thing as "I was hurt in my previous relationship"