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Coming back from a break-up attempt - feeling insecure


elengenesseajm

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Hi everyone, thank you in advance for any replies or advice. I'm sorry this is so long

 

I've joined the forums and am posting as I'm finding it really hard to deal with my bf telling me he wanted to break up a few days ago. It came after a couple of days of bickering and giving each other the cold shoulder, and was quite unexpected as we have always gotten over small fights very quickly. We managed to have a mostly calm conversation about why he wanted to break up and it boiled down to him not feeling loved, not feeling like he was attracted to me anymore and that we had become like 'friends'.

 

We were both able to acknowledge that we had grown apart but on a positive note we agreed to go to relationship counselling as we do love each other and don't want to throw away 7+ years of defacto relationship. We end the night by deciding to break the tension and have some fun and watch a movie and play some silly card games to lighten the mood before we go to bed together. So far seems like there is a light at the end of the tunnel possibly.

 

Two days later and we are talking to each other with a lot more love and affection, and have went forward with organising a counsellor and feeling pretty positive and accepting of the process to improve things. Since the fight he's not comfortable with any physical affection (and now I know why he was also slightly resistant for a little while), but we have been communicating with each other much more clearer and been more positive about getting closer again. He's calling and texting me more, he's coming to bed on time and calling me pet names, All in all I'm feeling ok so far and looking forward to us getting better and better.

 

 

Fast forward another couple of days and he has done a complete 180. All day while I was at work I got some texts from him and spoke to him a couple of times, all good. Tonight I got home from work and he wasn't here. I'm feeling a bit insecure atm but didn't call him as I assumed he was at the gym and didn't want to seem clingy so I put on some music and was cleaning. He came home about 7pm and I greeted him at the door and tried to engage in conversation as he has cut his hair today and completely shaved off his beard (planned as a 'big change' for his Bday tomorrow). He wouldn't let me touch his now baby-smooth skin and fobbed me off by saying he had to go take a shower after his work out. He wouldn't even really make eye contact with me.

 

After the shower he came out and I put aside my upset feelings and asked what he wanted for dinner tonight - all I got in reply was "I'm not hungry". He then started getting dressed in 'nice clothes', saying nothing to me as he put on a his shirt, jeans and shoes. When I asked if he was going out he just said yes, but didn't tell me where, didn't tell me who... but waited 5 seconds and asked "Aren't you going to ask me where?" in a very snide tone.

 

I started to feel anxious at this point as that's not normal behaviour for him. He would always let me know if he was going out, and/or ask if I wanted to come along. I decided to not play into his game and told him he could tell me if he wanted to. Turns out he's off to play pool in the city on a 'boys night' and so to be supportive I smiled and told him to have an awesome time and kick some arse at pool. He left saying he would see me 'tomorrow' (his birthday) and headed out the door without saying goodbye properly or any physical contact.

 

I'm trying really hard not to feel hurt or discouraged by his attitude tonight, but can't help but feel I've done something wrong to cause him to be so weird tonight. I'm trying to stay positive and utilising the time alone to sneakily bake his birthday cake for tomorrow and watch some of my favourite TV shows I'm behind on. Really though, I just feel rejected but don't want this night to ruin my focus on, and desire to, repair and strengthen our relationship in the long term.

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It definitely came across as very immature behaviour tonight, I tried very hard not to take the bait and get cranky with him.

 

Thankfully noone else is involved in this situation, he's a very loyal partner, and hasn't had any opportunities or time to get involved with someone else even if he wasn't.

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That's good then. Look, speculating about what he's up to is not going to help you. He's said he's having doubts but it's a good sign that you have a committed date for therapy. Perhaps he's distancing himself until you two can talk with guidance. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it's something you two can do alone at this stage. That said, your mindset is spot on with busying yourself. I might suggest roping in a trusted friend and get yourself out too. Thinking of you, and just be mindful of not slipping into limbo with this. I'm sending lots of good wishes!

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That's good then. Look, speculating about what he's up to is not going to help you. He's said he's having doubts but it's a good sign that you have a committed date for therapy. Perhaps he's distancing himself until you two can talk with guidance. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it's something you two can do alone at this stage. That said, your mindset is spot on with busying yourself. I might suggest roping in a trusted friend and get yourself out too. Thinking of you, and just be mindful of not slipping into limbo with this. I'm sending lots of good wishes!

 

Thank you, that's very helpful advice and the validation I needed I don't blame him for wanting some distance, it's just painful to experience his reaction as I try to work out what he needs from me. My gut tells me he feels vulnerable for opening up to me, so might not think that my attempts to reestablish affection are genuine. I've been telling myself to just be emotionally available to him and let him move back towards me. It's just really sucky to feel rejected

 

After reading your message about not speculating, one other reason for my insecurity tonight came to me - the day before the breakup attempt he did the same thing. I came home from work and he wasn't here. I rang him just to check where he was and he was out with these same friends and was very curt with me on the phone. As I said, we had been bickering lately, so at the time I didn't worry about it too much. I hope I don't have someone poisoning the well, not that I can do anything about other people.

 

So really, I'm seeing the week repeating itself tonight, hence why I'm apprehensive. All I can hope is that we're still on the same page, and chalk this up to a crappy night? I'm trying to be strong as I'm expecting to have little or no contact when he's away next weekend and don't want to be push him further away by being needy

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I hope I'm wrong. I hope u two work it out. But....

 

If he doesn't want to have sex. Avoids u touching him.... Goes out without you .... Combine that with him not being sure about you two....Sounds like he's sleeping with someone else.

 

There is always time to cheat if you want to. "Loyal" men cheat. He's confused and not sure about the two of you. He may already consider you broken up. I had a friend who had sex with his girlfriend at his office in the middle of the day on his lunch break and would call his wife after. That takes about 30 minutes and he was somehwhere she trusted him to be. At work at 12pm!? She never suspected anything. Anyone can make time. Fling type quickie Sex doesn't take that long.

 

Having said that.... U need to make a decision about what you want, ask for it...if u don't get it, leave. Stop letting him twist u around in circles.

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I hope I'm wrong. I hope u two work it out. But....

 

If he doesn't want to have sex. Avoids u touching him.... Goes out without you .... Combine that with him not being sure about you two....Sounds like he's sleeping with someone else.

 

There is always time to cheat if you want to. "Loyal" men cheat. He's confused and not sure about the two of you. He may already consider you broken up. I had a friend who had sex with his girlfriend at his office in the middle of the day on his lunch break and would call his wife after. That takes about 30 minutes and he was somehwhere she trusted him to be. At work at 12pm!? She never suspected anything. Anyone can make time. Fling type quickie Sex doesn't take that long.

 

Having said that.... U need to make a decision about what you want, ask for it...if u don't get it, leave. Stop letting him twist u around in circles.

 

 

I really appreciate your input, and I've absolutely considered that he may have strayed. At this point I am sure that he hasn't, and he was very heartfelt that this is just an issue with our relationship. What IS apparent is that we have absolutely grown distant and he doesn't know if we can regain that closeness again. He's made it clear that he has felt emotionally and sexually rejected by me in the past on occasion, which unfortunately he never discussed, and over time has now turned into him not wanting to initiate or receive affection with me.

 

There has a been a history of 6 months + where I would have to 'ask' him for a hug or kiss, or get an excuse for not wanting to hold hands 'hands are clammy' or snuggle in bed 'it's too hot tonight'. It hasn't been a constant issue, but I've been aware something was wrong, he just wouldn't talk about it and would make excuses.

 

As for making a decision, I definitely want things to improve, and fully own my responsible actions in the past for where we are now.

 

For the time being I'm not going to let him bait me for a fight (that was obviously the point of his attitude tonight) and am going to concentrate on bettering myself and looking out for myself. After all, I can't change his attitude or energy, but I can certainly change mine!

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I hope I'm wrong. I hope u two work it out. But....

 

If he doesn't want to have sex. Avoids u touching him.... Goes out without you .... Combine that with him not being sure about you two....Sounds like he's sleeping with someone else.

 

There is always time to cheat if you want to. "Loyal" men cheat. He's confused and not sure about the two of you. He may already consider you broken up. I had a friend who had sex with his girlfriend at his office in the middle of the day on his lunch break and would call his wife after. That takes about 30 minutes and he was somehwhere she trusted him to be. At work at 12pm!? She never suspected anything. Anyone can make time. Fling type quickie Sex doesn't take that long.

 

Having said that.... U need to make a decision about what you want, ask for it...if u don't get it, leave. Stop letting him twist u around in circles.

 

Unfortunately, I have experienced exactly that.

 

After 7.5 years together, the live-in boyfriend who I thought I could trust with my heart and never once gave me reason to doubt him was unfaithful. This is someone who I also believed had no time to do such a thing, nor even had the moral deficiency to betray me. Until he did.

 

OP, I am not saying with certainty that your boyfriend is cheating. But there are red flags that someone else might be on his mind. The sudden coldness and refusal to get near you could be his guilt eating at him. I know that all too well. Or, it could simply be that he's got a lot of resentment built up and is angry with you.

 

In any case, see what happens between now and the counselling appointment. This is your time to sit back and observe. How old are you both?

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That's good then. Look, speculating about what he's up to is not going to help you. He's said he's having doubts but it's a good sign that you have a committed date for therapy. Perhaps he's distancing himself until you two can talk with guidance. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it's something you two can do alone at this stage. That said, your mindset is spot on with busying yourself. I might suggest roping in a trusted friend and get yourself out too. Thinking of you, and just be mindful of not slipping into limbo with this. I'm sending lots of good wishes!

 

I wrote a reply to this and it seems to have disappeared for 'moderation'. Thank you for your invaluable input, it really validates the approach I'm aiming for at the moment. I'm trying in every way possible to honor myself and my own needs in my interactions as I don't want to be petty, clingy, or alienate him anymore. I'm going to contact a few friends I haven't seen for a while for catch ups and will also call my mother tomorrow as she knows I'm unhappy and feels worried as I'm interstate here away from all my family.

 

In my original reply to you I also commented that on asking myself why I felt so scared, it occurred to me that the day before the breakup talk he was out with these same friends - and on that occasion he had also not told me he was going out.

 

I cam home and he wasn't here and after waiting an hour or so I rang to find he was on the other side of the city. We were bickering those few days, so I just left him alone as best I could to enjoy his night. But I was also upset that he hadn't told me he wouldn't be home.

 

So a lot of tonight is also worrying about a repeat of the day after the last instance

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Unfortunately, I have experienced exactly that.

 

After 7.5 years together, the live-in boyfriend who I thought I could trust with my heart and never once gave me reason to doubt him was unfaithful. This is someone who I also believed had no time to do such a thing, nor even had the moral deficiency to betray me. Until he did.

 

OP, I am not saying with certainty that your boyfriend is cheating. But there are red flags that someone else might be on his mind. The sudden coldness and refusal to get near you could be his guilt eating at him. I know that all too well. Or, it could simply be that he's got a lot of resentment built up and is angry with you.

 

In any case, see what happens between now and the counselling appointment. This is your time to sit back and observe. How old are you both?

 

Thank you, I absolutely think it's important to consider all the possibilities and appreciate your honesty

 

I agree that I just need to sit back and observe, it feels really unpleasant when my heart tells me I should be running around actively 'fixing' things, but my gut tells me to chill out, focus on me and let him calm down and feel safe atm.

 

He's absolutely angry, though I might even say he feels 'wounded'. There's some definite communication problems I hope we can move through in counselling. I am 34 and he's turning 32 tomorrow.

 

There is some fun stuff planned for his birthday tomorrow (movies to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2, dinner with his mother and her fiance), so hopefully tonight was a blip and tomorrow we can keep things to a much lighter, playful and celebratory mood.

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Unfortunately have to to agree with kbbcoop and Dominique . It sounds like he's testing the waters elsewhere.

 

He wants to be 'roommates', he's updated and improved his appearance, he's complaining about "not attracted or feeling loved", refuses physical affection, wants to "breakup" but still live together, goes "out", etc.

 

Stop playing house asap. Move to the guestroom until he or you can move out. You did nothing wrong but don't put your head in the sand.. Start doing your own thing and discuss moving out. Is it your place his place or rented together? Start now severing finances and packing stuff up.

 

Ignore him. Work on yourself. New clothes, hair, get in shape go out with friends and family more, etc. The only discussion you should be having is "It's not working, I [or he depending] need to move out in 30 days"

he wanted to break up and it boiled down to him not feeling loved, not feeling like he was attracted to me anymore and that we had become like 'friends'. Since the fight he's not comfortable with any physical affection I greeted him at the door and tried to engage in conversation as he has cut his hair today and completely shaved off his beard.He wouldn't let me touch his now baby-smooth skin. I asked if he was going out he just said yes, but didn't tell me where, didn't tell me who.
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