Dating an Addict.

[SadSadgirl]

Hello everyone. I am mainly using this to give awareness, and to vent.

2 months ago, I had gotten out of a relationship with an addict. It has taken a toll on me mentally/emotionally. I think writing this will help me and others realize things we've been through.

Before I start, I am not trying to stereotype addicts. I've done some research and am using the information found to make a post. I know not all addicts are the same.

 

There are many types of addicts, and this post will not pertain to every one. To give some insight, the addict I had been in a relationship with was addicted to drugs (marijuana, prescription meds, acid), and alcohol. He was also addicted to love, which may sound silly, but I will get into that.

 

Most addicts may have had an intense upbringing. Such as abandonment as a child, neglect, lack of care, isolation. Growing up, the trauma from the childhood will leave a void in the addict, which they use the thing they are addicted to in attempts to fill it (which is only temporary). What happens when the high of a drug, or a relationship wears off? They look for more! This void cannot be filled by a person, a drug, or anything of that matter. The addict uses these things to try and run away from the problem instead of facing it. If the addict does not see what they're doing is wrong, you CANNOT fix or help them! Even if they know there's a problem, if they don't want help, you cannot help them!

 

If you're dating an addict, and it seems like they are too good to be true, chances are, THEY ARE! Addicts are master manipulators (not all, but most). Due to this void, they are able to conform to get whatever they want. This is because they do not know who they are, they are good at conforming. They know that if they turn themselves into someone you're looking for, you will date them. They will act like the most caring, awesome, funny, perfect person, but deep down, they're only acting like that to get what they want.

 

Dating a Love Addict, and what is a love addict?

Around these forums I noticed there were many terms used to describe people like these, one being an 'infatuation junkie', which is exactly what love addicts are. These people mistake the highs of infatuation for 'love'. A typical love addict will have a questionable relationship history. The one I had dated had many short term relationships, in just under a year. The love addicts will make you believe that you are different, that you are perfect, amazing, etc. etc. until the infatuation wears off. Once this happens, they will either: stay until they find someone else to be infatuated with, or leave right when the infatuation wears off and wait a VERY SHORT amount of time to jump into a new relationship. Chances are, a love addict does not know the difference between infatuation and love. If you've ever dated a love addict, sorry, but they never loved you the way you loved them. They put you on a pedestal and used you until the infatuation wore off and went to find someone else. They will manipulate you and seem like the most perfect guy/girl ever, when that was all a mask.

 

How do I know if I'm dating one? Here are some signs:

-Doesn't know what taking it slow means, and doesn't want to know. They rush full speed ahead into a relationship

-Say 'I love you' very early (mine said it one month into the relationship)

-Relationship history consists of short 3-4 month relationships, with seemingly little breaks in between

-They seem very submissive to whatever you want (another manipulation trick, chances are they lie about whatever you want them to work on)

-They didn't take the time to process their feelings

-Their 3-4 month relationship ended very shortly ago, and they already want to date you

-They seem too good to be true

-They always want to be with you (we hung out every other day, too much time together)

-Sad when they're lonely

-Need constant attention

-Doesn't have any real reason for ending previous relationships other than "I didn't like her/him anymore"

-Their family members notice their short, intense relationships

-Your friends/family tell you so (these people have your best interest)

 

Now, these signs can pertain to people who aren't addicts. Love addicts usually date people who are codependent, knowing they will not leave him/her. They date people to fill a 'void', which is only temporary, and become disappointed when they find that void to not be filled by that person anymore.

 

My way of organizing this information was a little messy, but I hope you guys learned something from this! Remember: they are not the person they made themselves out to be! They did not love you, they loved the idea of being in love.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

 

Thanks for reading !

[Wiseman2]

Save this, it's excellent insight. :star:

[SadSadgirl]

Save this, it's excellent insight.

 

Thank you!

[ThatwasThen]

What have you learned about yourself SadSad? That is what is important to your growth.

[SadSadgirl]

What have you learned about yourself SadSad? That is what is important to your growth.

 

of course! I am still learning about myself and my emotions everyday. I gave out my heart too easily, and depended on someone who was unhappy for my happiness. I now know what I want from a guy. the healing process for me will be long (it is my first relationship), but nonetheless I am learning new things everyday. learning these things about addicts also made me feel better knowing that it was not my fault our relationship ended.

[ThatwasThen]

of course! I am still learning about myself and my emotions everyday. I gave out my heart too easily, and depended on someone who was unhappy for my happiness. I now know what I want from a guy. the healing process for me will be long (it is my first relationship), but nonetheless I am learning new things everyday. learning these things about addicts also made me feel better knowing that it was not my fault our relationship ended.

Have you looked into codependency and why it is you went forward with dating a guy that was clearly not someone that would make a good partner? I'm not picking on you, I'm just pushing you to do a little more self-reflection and less analyzing him. It would help you to figure out why you dated someone like him in the first place so that you don't go down that road again in the future. "That road" being codependency.

 

Good luck going forth. Learn from your last relationship and work on you so that you know you deserve better then him and his like.

[SadSadgirl]

Have you looked into codependency and why it is you went forward with dating a guy that was clearly not someone that would make a good partner? I'm not picking on you, I'm just pushing you to do a little more self-reflection and less analyzing him. It would help you to figure out why you dated someone like him in the first place so that you don't go down that road again in the future. "That road" being codependency.

 

Good luck going forth. Learn from your last relationship and work on you so that you know you deserve better then him and his like.

 

i've always suffered from low self esteem, depression , etc etc so i jumped into this relationship just because it made me feel good (which is very bad). now I am not going to date until I can tell myself that i love myself. I am attending therapy, updating my wardrobe, and other stuff to feel better about myself! i've spent a lot of time focusing on why he is the way he is which resulted in me not being able to work on myself. now that i have answers, i feel i am able to take a step forward and improve myself. i now realize that you can't be in a relationship if you don't love yourself, which i think is where codependency comes from. thank you

[ThatwasThen]

Yes... work on you and forget about him. You're more important to you then he could ever be.

[Ms Darcy]

What have you learned about yourself SadSad? That is what is important to your growth.

 

I would add to this. Just to keep it super simple, I found my husband when I got healthy ... not when I labeled my exes.

[ffd34]

i've always suffered from low self esteem, depression , etc etc so i jumped into this relationship just because it made me feel good (which is very bad). now I am not going to date until I can tell myself that i love myself. I am attending therapy, updating my wardrobe, and other stuff to feel better about myself! i've spent a lot of time focusing on why he is the way he is which resulted in me not being able to work on myself. now that i have answers, i feel i am able to take a step forward and improve myself. i now realize that you can't be in a relationship if you don't love yourself, which i think is where codependency comes from. thank you

 

I can say, I feel I am in a similar way to this. I too, have depression and anxiety issues. I know I struggle to accept myself fully, and that makes me needy and insecure. I have an ok situation, not ideal, but I should recognise the fact that I have to be able to fully accept myself, in order for someone to accept me in the way I desire. It's a hard road, and reading your comments here has helped me understand this better. I appreciate that.

[SadSadgirl]

I can say, I feel I am in a similar way to this. I too, have depression and anxiety issues. I know I struggle to accept myself fully, and that makes me needy and insecure. I have an ok situation, not ideal, but I should recognise the fact that I have to be able to fully accept myself, in order for someone to accept me in the way I desire. It's a hard road, and reading your comments here has helped me understand this better. I appreciate that.

 

Self realization is very important when it comes to relationships with ourself and other people. there are many ways to try and help your depression+anxiety and I'm glad you notice what you need to do in order to have a good relationship! the person I dated had horrible coping skills, and relied on relationships and drugs for happiness. let me just say, he's been very miserable all of his life.

 

I never realized until now the way I am when it comes to relationships is very self destructive! when you have low self esteem and use relationships for validation, this usually sets yourself up for an abusive relationship.

 

i don't think there is anything wrong with being insecure sometimes, or being needy sometimes, in a relationship. it's when you let it consume you, and your partner, it becomes a problem.

 

good luck with your journey to self love!!

[SadSadgirl]

a letter I'll never send: to the new girlfriend.

 

Everyday up until today, I blamed myself for the fault of our relationship. My head spun with the thoughts of "what if"... but now I realize it doesn't matter. Right now, I'm a very strong believer of "If you love something, let it go, if it's meant to be, it'll come back." There was really nothing I could have done to make him stay with me. Maybe I'm a bit relieved that all of his relationships were 3 months or less. It's evident that he's the common denominator to the fault of his relationships. Sad to say he mistakes the high of infatuation with love.. he doesn't realize this either. He thinks the highs you get from infatuation is what love is supposed to be, and when the infatuation wears off, he thinks he's fallen out of love... when he was never in love in the first place. There was nothing I could've done. I wasn't going to change myself to keep the "spark". He's so empty on the inside he's addicted to many things. So many variety of drugs, and the feeling of being in love. It's so easy for him to find someone else because he never had an emotional attachment which comes with love. He rushes into relationships without reflecting on how he feels, because he's addicted. He loves the feeling of being loved by someone, because he is unable to love himself. Sadly, even though I knew his relationship history, I thought I was different. I was wrong, but that's okay. When the infatuation wears off his new relationship, he'll be on the prowl again, breaking another heart. I'm sorry in advance that you're gonna have to go through what I'm going through right now. But its not your fault.