Please help me gain perspective

[sadgirl23]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 1yr and a half now. He is very good to me -generous, patient, always tries to make time for me and my kids etc.

Yet I can't help feeling like despite that he does not want to have sex with me or is attracted to me.

Whenever I try to initiate something lately, he doesn't reciprocate -he doesn't just lie there but he doesn't match what I'm doing -until I just stop and give up. For example if I give him a kiss he'll accept that but then do nothing more. He keeps saying he's tired or feeling run down.

So I started watching how his is to me during the day, not at night when we've gone to bed.

He might put his hand on my leg at home. If we go out he does not hold my hand. Or put his arm around me.

He keeps saying he does love me and want me and wouldn't be with me if he didn't. Yet it still doesn't reassure me when we just sleep next to each other like roommates if they slept in the same bed.

We have had sex about once a week or less lately. I have started getting up and sleeping in the spare room because I can't take sleeping like that feeling loveless and rejected.

He says I am rude and insulting for getting upset about it.

Whenever I bring it up he gets defensive. The latest thing he told me was that it hurt him the last time we had sex (down there) so he 'can't' for a few days. I was mortified! It's not like we have rough sex. And he didn't say he was hurt at the time. I felt so embarrassed.

And the weekend before that he told me he didn't want to have sex because he was feeling tired and run down.

I can get into bed naked with him and he'll go to sleep and never touch me.

I don't want to sound egotistical but I've never had that happen.

Now he's acting all insulted like I don't believe he is hurt down there.

It got to the point I told him maybe we should break up and told him most of what I've said here as the reason why,

He got all offended and said I just want to break up with him. Then he stormed off.

I don't know if I'm sad because it's a break up or because I have messed up and could have done differently?

[j.man]

Believe it or not, not all men are pre-programmed sex machines. Frankly, through all the accusations and dramatic acts on your end, I'm surprised he manages to get it up even once a week with you. And honestly, in his shoes, whenever I'd need relief I'd just be slinking off to the bathroom and rubbing one out without all the pressure and stress you're inflicting here.

 

Letting him be in command of his own sex drive without taking it personally or putting guilt on him would very likely go a long way in him being more sexually open and eager with you.

[Unreasonable]

I'm not a real fan of the 'love languages' thing, but it sounds like you two are on different pages there. You seem to be big on physical touch, and he isn't. If you want 'perspective', once a week isn't terribly abnormal. Not everybody's the same.

[Wiseman2]

How soon after dating did he move in with you? Is he used to having your kids around/dating single moms? How was his libido/affection before the honeymoon phase wore off?

 

Is he being treated for stds like chlamydia or having hsv outbreaks? When was he last tested? Do you use condoms?

me and my kids.I have started getting up and sleeping in the spare room. The latest thing he told me was that it hurt him the last time we had sex so he 'can't' for a few days.

[sadgirl23]

Wiseman -I don't think it's an STD, he says it's like a tear? He's not circumcised.

We use condoms but not during oral sex.

It has almost always been like this. I looked back on my old posts and I posted about this same issue a year and then about 6 months ago.

My kids are only with me half the time. They are not an issue.

 

j.man -I'm not sure how I am accusing him. How can I bring up with him how I feel in a way that is not accusing?

 

Unreasonable -The guy I dated before him was into love languages and I found him way too physical. Ironically he was always telling me I wasn't having enough sex with him and to the point where it turned me off.

 

So I understand it is a very delicate issue. It's not even so much about sex, I just feel like I look at him and feel attracted or want to be affectionate and he doesn't ever at the same time as me.

I always say politely 'no' if I really not up for even kissing but that would be very rare I'd ever turn him down. My ex who was too pushy for affection and sex I used to say no to all the time.

 

How do I initiate or tell him I'd like more -in a nice way.