Ex Season

[Ebullition]

Hi folks,

 

As you may have read from my most recent post, I met up with an ex from 5 years ago last night. It was fine....she's married but separated and was really just looking for attention, but something really cool went down: we made amends to one another. It was super mellow but it really made me happy. Like I said previously, I didn't want or need anything from her to begin with so this was just an unexpected bonus. But it got me thinking....

 

Fast forward to today and I realized it was time to do something I have wanted to do for awhile. I contacted my most recent ex. We have not said a word to each other for 7 months and our last meeting it was determined that friendship was off the table. But here's some stuff that went down and I needed to come clean. At this point, I don't see any chance for working things out so I thought I'd just take my lumps and attempt to do the right thing. So I said there was something I wanted to relate to her and if she was open to talking that would be great. I was expecting a less than welcoming response and was hoping for a short phone call at best. Instead, she asked me out to lunch. And said something like "Really open to meeting but no expectations other than open communication". Huh? Help me out, please. Like I said, I do want to be with her but I realized that's probably never gonna happen. So why ask me meet up? Maybe I should have just written an email or something. This is not what I expected as a response. Your input is most appreciated.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't get how her response was confusing?

[Wiseman2]

See how it goes in person.

[RainyCoast]

i have to admit i don't get it. you wanted to communicate something that was to give you "closure"? and her response was that open communication was ok with her? what's confusing? and how is it not what you expected? what were you expecting?

 

it's okay to cancel if you're uncomfortable discussing things after all.

[Ebullition]

Wiseman, you live up to your name. Mustlovedogs: It is only confusing to me as I just want to say my piece and a phone call would have sufficed. And I'll state it again: I would like to get back with her but at this point that seems impossible so I'm not even trying. If she and I established that we weren't doing the friend thing, why would she want to spend time with me? This is what makes no sense to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm now experiencing conflicting emotions but my intent is to try an pay a debt of sorts that I didn't previous have the capacity to. Maybe that is totally selfish, but after a lot of thought and some life-altering stuff that went down with me in the last couple months, I became clear that I should attempt to redress the situation. Which sucks but I'm working on trying to be a real human being who does estimable acts....even if it means not getting what I want. I don't know, this site offers really good advice about "focusing on yourself" after a breakup and the crazy thing is once a person does do some actual self work, the results are often completely not what you would have expected.

[RainyCoast]

is there are an actual financial debt involved or do you mean like you want to make amends as a partner, apologize for something,...?

[mustlovedogs]

You don't get to just say your piece. She gets to say hers, too.

Your message sounded like you wanted to meet up.

[Ebullition]

Rainycoast: Yes, making amends as a partner. I did not arrive at this notion easily which is probably why I sound so confused and confusing! Also (and this is pure conjecture), I have to assume her life is great and she's probably moved on and all that so why take the time to meet with me? She really doesn't owe me anything especially as we broke up a year ago and haven't talked for many months. This is what I find confusing.

[Ebullition]

Fair enough, mustlovedogs. I appreciate what you're saying.

[RainyCoast]

two things come to mind.

 

one is go see what happens in person as wiseman says. keep expectations low as she sounds like she is suggesting it for debriefing, not reconciliation.

 

two, if that makes you uncomfortable, you can call to clarify that you would only meet if it were to try to reconcile. if that isn't possible, you can offer any apologies or answers she may need over the phone and wish her well.

 

it's possible you may have more leverage in person, but also considerably higher discomfort levels if it doesn't go as planned. you can try and see, right?

[Wolfboy702]

There's nothing at all amiss with her suggestion, I think the issue here is you (consciously or subconsciously) looking for excuses to pretend there is a chance you can get back together with her. Meet up with her and get your closure , nothing more. Hope can be bad in the wrong circumstances.

[Ebullition]

Wolfboy, you might be right. I wrote this post because I wanted some advice, because I am trying to be objective but instead feel conflicted. So thank you.

[Hawnfawn]

I think it's really HOW you're perceiving her response. You're ASSUMING she wants to spend time with you. But she doesn't. She only wants communication. It's rather difficult to not to want it to mean more; anyone who still has feelings for their ex will always read between the lines when there isn't anything there. Point in case, my ex literally texted me "I can't be what you want me to be." To everyone else, it means: it's done, I've made my choice, sorry but move on. To me, it meant: maybe a year or so down the road, when she can only remember the good she will be ready, or even the ludicrous thought that she's lying to herself. So..you interpreting her open to communication aka inviting you out to lunch as something much bigger than simply, she only wants to eat and talk. She doesn't see it as spending time with you or anything else. Hope you can move forward and start letting go.