Do rushed relationships work?

[Datblondie]

Hello,

 

Some of you may have read my previous thread. Basically, ive been friends with this guy for 2 years. One day I decided to man up so I confessed and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and we immediately started dating. Is this moving too fast? Should we have developed how we feel first before rushing into a relationship? Ive read that when you rush into a relationship they die out quickly, but I don't know if that's the case since we've been friends. What do you guys think? Thanks!

[Pretzel]

I think it's very different when you've been friends prior, because you share an intimacy and trust through your friendship. So no, it does not sound like a rushed move on the basis of what you've said here. It is fine to be honest and fulfil your feelings if you have feelings of love and a desire to commit and be exclusive. Don't overthink it, just go with the flow.

 

There's also a difference between a rushed relationship and just being excited about a relationship and wanting to ensure that the other person wants the same as what you want and working towards that goal. It would be rushed if you decided to get married the day after confessing your feelings, but simply entering into a relationship where you both feel secure in terms of exclusivity etc. then I think that is great.

[indea08]

My husband and I started dating in August. He was planning on leaving for the military in December. Within a month, he moved in with me so we could cram in a relationship real quick and decide before he left if we wanted to continue. We got married last year and are happier than ever! He ended up deciding that since had more to live for at home, he didn't need the military anymore. The first year together was a little rough, because we HAD rushed so much...but like I said, I couldn't be happier. Enjoy your new relationship!! I'm happy he had the same feelings for you!

[catfeeder]

What does rushing mean in this case--did you move right in together?

 

You've both been developing your feelings for one another for 2 years. That's not exactly rushing anything, but I wouldn't jump into cohabitation. Keep your home, job and friendships stable while you enjoy one another.

 

CongrAts!

[Batya33]

Hello,

 

Some of you may have read my previous thread. Basically, ive been friends with this guy for 2 years. One day I decided to man up so I confessed and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and we immediately started dating. Is this moving too fast? Should we have developed how we feel first before rushing into a relationship? Ive read that when you rush into a relationship they die out quickly, but I don't know if that's the case since we've been friends. What do you guys think? Thanks!

 

It depends. Usually insta-relationships have more of a risk of burning out fast. I think the other aspects of your relationship are the real concern here.

 

What I personally would have done instead of "confessing" feelings is simply asked the friend out on a date -that tells the person you are romantically interested and is less overwhelming for both of you. Words are much easier than actions.

[Raggie]

Hello. Congrats. I have to say I think you were brave, and it paid off. Good for you!

 

Might be slightly off topic, but I think it's relevant in a roundabout way. I had counselling a few years ago, and we touched on a framework for relationships that really provoked some thoughts for me.

 

They talked about '3 pillars'; passion, compatibility, commitment. (I happen to think there's a fourth, 'history', but that's another debate...). How these three interact, depends on what you have. In short:

Passion = one night stand

Compatibility = casual friendships

Commitment = arranged marriages

Passion + compatibility = romantic love

Compatibility + commitment = companion love/best friends

Passion + commitment = affairs and 'rushed' relationship

Passion + compatibility + commitment = composite love

 

But here's the interesting part. People can move through all phases, backwards and forwards, throughout a relationship, but we typically view it as a linear process: we fancy people, then we get romantic and date, finally we make a commitment. People who can move through the phases with a view to attaining the 'composite' tend to succeed.

 

The point of me saying this is that, no i don't think you rushed: you're at a romantic stage. Momentarily, you went to 'passion plus commitment' with the 'I love yous' but went back to 'passion plus compatibility' with dating.

 

The tricky part I've found is adjusting the expectations from friendship to partnership. You have to relearn some stuff, and create space for each other in a different way. However, this is usually backed up with a stronger level of trust and confidence in each other, because you've done it as mates.

 

I hope this makes sense... I may have confused even myself!!!

[Batya33]

When it comes to relationship stages I found the book A Fine Romance (by Sills - oldie but goodie from the 80s) the absolute best.

[abitbroken]

You have been friends for 2 years. No - its definitely not rushing things! Some of your other friends might say "its about time" if they knew you started dating. Its a great relationship when the person you are dating you can also count as your closest friend. I know some would say that a confession is a bad way to start a relationship, but you definitely lucked out - you confessed AND he * returned* your feelings. He didn't run away or tell you he didn't feel the same as you. So I'd say you are good to go. Just don't expect an automatic proposal. Date, have a great time and also learn more about eachother. There are things you would permit in a friend and not in a boyfriend. I wish you both the absolute best