Months on, how to move on from Ex GF of 3 years

[steamedhams]

Hi,

 

Long story but would appreciate feedback.

 

I met my ex girlfriend at university and we immediately clicked. We basically spent every moment of every day together, went on holiday 3 times and talked repeatedly about the future. Sex life was always good (She never stopped mentioning it, and we experimented a few times) and we both got on well with friends and family. Now and again, we argued from day one, but always about silly things as we're both turbulent people, and we always made up. It was actually her that talked about marriage etc all the time and promised never to leave, which is why I was taken my complete surprise when she ended it. I was with her for 3 years, but then it went long distance, though we knew it would only be for a year, so she was confident that we'd be fine. For a couple of months after she started her new job, (we were both 21) we visited each other every 2 weeks and even went on a short holiday. About 6 months ago, she invited me to visit but it was awkward - she was cold, refused to kiss/hug etc and eventually dumped me at the train station when I was due to leave. I wanted answers so eventually managed to get her to admit that she kissed an older work colleague, but she said that she'd been unhappy for a couple of months, though never mentioned it before. I never cheated, was never abusive etc and was up for staying with her forever, even told her when she got protective around other girls. I know I took her for granted a little, in a Karl Pilkington-esque not bothered sort of way - I bought amazing gifts for birthdays and shared nice holidays, but I wasn't soppy enough for her sometimes. I'm worried that no-one will ever come as close - my friends loved her, she sometimes joined in on male nights out, but she was always uncomfortable around my female friends.

 

I was shocked, heartbroken, couldnt sleep etc for ages. I talked to her for a couple of days afterwards and she promised to take a break for a while and even said that she wouldnt rule out getting back together one day "like Kate and Prince William). To move on, we had no contact for about 3 weeks in which I found life hard, failed an exam (wouldnt normally happen) and stopped going to the gym. Out of the blue, she called to tell me that she had started seeing the guy she kissed (my biggest fear. I even told her I would eventually accept her getting a new bf if it wasnt him). I had started to recover, but the call reset everything back to square one, though I was more angry than sad. This time, I made a few mistakes and called her a lot. I sent a goodbye letter, which she liked, just to clear my head and get things out in the open. A few weeks later (NC again), I started to go out more, got back to the gym regularly and started smashing my work/exams. Upon a visit to her hometown for another reason, we agreed to meet up for the day. I wanted to show her that I wasn't a mess and was happy for her etc etc. The meet was going well, we shared a few drinks and laughed but I didnt feel upset....then she kissed me unexpectedly, before kissing twice more later that day. She told me how much she missed me, but then visited her new BF's parents the next day, posting pics on FB! I was obv confused and upset, so we argued again and she told her new BF about us kissing. Apparently he didnt mind (hard to believe) and they are still together. She then blocked me from her FB profile (which helped, but we remain 'friends' so are available to chat.

 

I promised myself I wouldnt contact her again, but about a month later, she sent me messages asking how I was, wished me happy birthday and more. I ignored until she followed up and I gave in. We chatted nicely for a bit, but then things turned sour when she mentioned her new BF, who I still dislike. I told her that I didn't think it was fair and that they didnt match (They have little in common and it seems that she jumped on the first guy that she could find after deciding that she didnt want to be with me). I stupidly said that their age gap (27M 21F) and level in work was going to be a problem one day, to which she reacted badly.

Anyway, 6 months on, I have been okay in general getting on with life, but having had brief encounters with other girls at parties, Tinder etc, no-one even comes close to the connection I shared with her. Around other girls, I compare them to her in every way and no-one is good enough, even when they are seen as more attractive. Even without talking or seeing her social media, I still think about her daily and can't stop, hard to think how this will get better in the future. It also hurts to see that all past mutual friends have sided with her, especially the girls. No-one will speak to me anymore but I found out that she is meeting up with mutual friends soon.

 

Recently, we talked again about some of our shared interests. She wants to be 'friends' but I still feel betrayed. I told her that I would forgive her if she was single for a while to suffer the way I did, but she told me that she's "in too deep", and doesn't want to move location, despite also telling me that she cries a lot just thinking about me, part of her still loves me and she stalks my female friends through FB, asking if there's anything going on etc. I don't really know what to do now - The distance will close soon enough through my work situation, regardless of us, but I don't think we'll get back together, even though I still want to. Even without contacting her, I still wake up anxious a lot, but it fades as my day progresses. I'm fine around others, but work out alone at the gym and often zone out when certain songs come on that remind me of her.

 

Basically I need to decide whether to completely remove her from messenger and my phone and ask her to do the same, or continue to talk briefly every couple of months and maybe meet up when the distance closes. I really enjoy talking to her, but it still sets me back afterwards - I just feel tired and dream about her. I'm worried that if we both make it impossible to contact one another, I'm completely shutting the door forever, we'll never know where each other are, how jobs are going, even dead or alive. As a joke, we agreed a few months ago, upon meet up, that we'd marry in 10 years if we were both single (typical US movie quote), but that will obviously never happen if we remove all contact. All FB photos and great memories will be lost forever.

 

Advice - Option 1: Tell her the situation, delete and block but part with a mutual respect for the good times

 

Option 2: Stay 'friends' but only talk a few times a year, just to update each other on life.

 

Option 3: If she dumps her BF, I can see us being proper friends in the distant future due to shared interests, but I can't deal with meeting him. So wait around and hope it fails?

 

Any other options?

 

Thanks, sorry it's long

[Viceroy]

You need to cut her out completely, you're setting yourself up to get hurt. Don't put yourself in a limbo like situation. When she said she's too invested in her new relationship, fine, her choice is made. Delete and block her, work on moving on. You stated that after speaking with her , " it sets you back". Why keep going through that? For what???

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Agree, you need to stay no contact and delete and block her and all her people from social media and messaging apps. It's causing you set backs to try to stay in touch or stay friends.

[reinventmyself]

You need to block her in order to move on. I think you know this.

And no, you don't want to be demoted to being her friend either.

 

In the long-shot event that she ever wanted to reconcile, there is no motivation for her to do so if she can continue to have access to you

at a reduced capacity. She probably has lost some respect for you because she senses that she can toy with you and have you back anytime she pleases.

She might respect you more. . as you would yourself, if you told her good bye.

 

She cheated on you with the new guy and she cheats on him by continuing an emotional connection with you.

She's not such a great gal after all.

[KantSleep]

Ditto to what Reinventmyself stated. If she really wanted to find you 10 years from now, I bet she could...

[steamedhams]

You need to block her in order to move on. I think you know this.

And no, you don't want to be demoted to being her friend either.

 

In the long-shot event that she ever wanted to reconcile, there is no motivation for her to do so if she can continue to have access to you

at a reduced capacity. She probably has lost some respect for you because she senses that she can toy with you and have you back anytime she pleases.

She might respect you more. . as you would yourself, if you told her good bye.

 

She cheated on you with the new guy and she cheats on him by continuing an emotional connection with you.

She's not such a great gal after all.

 

Cheers for the replies. I guess it takes a bit of embarrassment on here to see the situation from another POV. She literally cheated on him with me during a meet up, but he said he didn't mind apparently She suggested the blocking a while ago to "help" me, but then quickly changed her mind saying she needs me as a friend.

 

I want to block her but it needs to be on my terms, not her's, or I fear it will seem like she's still holding all the cards. Does anyone know what happens to tagged FB photos after deleting someone who owns them? My profile would look a bit empty without the last 3 years

 

Thanks everyone - Might even consider moving even further away

[reinventmyself]

I want to block her but it needs to be on my terms, not her's, or I fear it will seem like she's still holding all the cards.

 

 

Does anyone know what happens to tagged FB photos after deleting someone who owns them? My profile would look a bit empty without the last 3 years

 

Both of your comments suggest you care more what she and others think over doing what's best for yourself.

If an ex blocked me after I toyed with him, I might respect him more for having the back bone to finally do it.

 

Besides, people are so involved with their own lives, don't kid yourself that they are concerned that you don't

have as many pictures as they do.

 

You are still make excuses. . but getting there

[reinventmyself]

. . and your pictures will stay on your profile even after deleting a person.

but . .who cares, right?

[kbbcoop77]

Yikes...if there ever was a reason to block and go No Contact this post is it. Who would want to live like this??? Nooooo!!!

[MissCanuck]

OP, you need to stop fooling yourself that this girl still cares about you. She toys with you.

 

And who gives an eff what she thinks if you block her? Don't let her dictate your behavior that way, you're still giving her far too much importance. Do what's best for you, and get rid of her.

 

I know it hurts and that you two had some good times, but you started dating when you were only 18. That almost never leads to forever. You will both grow and change so much in the coming decade that 10 years from now, you will wonder what you saw in her that you hung on for so long.

 

And as for her comment about Prince William and Kate? Pfft. Child's play. Have you not heard much about the supposed state of their marriage? Not exactly a couple to emulate.

[tuhuge]

Don't be in limbo. You need to devote your energy on someone who chooses you. Dont wait around if they will come back, either they or wont. Until them move on. Thats what im trying to do.