Maybe I'm overthinking?

[HadaraNight]

Hi! It's been a long time since I last posted in here. How have you been?

Well, I'm here because I need to ask you something...

I'm a 25 year-old woman and so far, I haven't been any romantic relationship. I've always wondered why, and so, some years ago, I began examining my life and tried to find out what the problem was.

 

I asked in many forums and people told me my problem was that I was too shy and had too much social anxiety. After examining myself, I found out they were right so I decided to do some changes to my life and I left that all behind. I dedicated lots of time to make myself more sociable and an extrovert and I think I have done it so far. Now I like talking to people and I can express myself freely with no more sweating hands or anything. I work as a teacher and I have no problems dealing with my students when speaking in front of them so, I can say I am not shy anymore. I go out more often, hang out with friends, have talks with my co-workers and participate actively in meetings and organizing events. At the beginning, I did it because I really wanted to find the "right one", but after some years, I began doing it just for myself, because I wanted to be a better person and because having social anxiety is way too restraining (I think). But maybe I overdid it with the confidence boost?

 

Funny thing that after all those changes now people tell me I am too independent and too overwhelming to be a possible partner. Now boys hide away from me (they run away, literally) and avoid conversations with me... This affects my romantic life but also my relationships with my friends... my friends can't stop saying how amazing I am, how I can do everything, how I can achieve anything I want... and whenever I feel bad, they don't believe me and just say can't be down! You'll get over it! It's you, isn't it? And you are too amazing! You are so dependable!"

 

I mean, it's good not be shy anymore but, even after all those changes, I still feel lonely; as if nobody understands me... that hasn't changed. I used to blame everything on my shyness (my problems with no having friends and not finding a suitable partner, and many other things) but now that it isn't in me anymore, the problem is still there... What may I be doing wrong? I've studied so much about human relationships, I've asked so many times in the internet for others' opinions, I've read so much and tried so hard to find my true self and love myself, but I am still alone... Why? Do people like me stay alone forever? Because I am truly happy with who I am now, I like my personality and I am completely fine with it... and people have no problem trusting me or hanging around with me, they say they like me... but when things get difficult for me, they all go away and I am left to deal with everything all by myself... Am I overdoing it? Overthinking? Because I truly want to know what love means... There are nights when I truly wish I could embrace someone and feel them close to me... I fantasize about how it may feel... but I always end up hugging pillows for that sake hahahaha xD

 

Well, thanks in advance.

[gebaird]

Congrats on making so much progress! Pretty impressive, and I'm sure it's improved your life in a variety of ways.

 

When it comes to romance, I think you may be right -- perhaps you are trying to "force it," wanting it so badly that people can feel your desperation. What if you just took a break for a bit? Spent a few months not caring at all about meeting someone or being in a romantic relationship? When thoughts of loneliness come up, just tell yourself you'll worry about them in a few months. Make it a little vacation, make it fun. Focus on improving yourself, hanging with friends. Get involved in a hobby or club, focus on loving yourself and see where it takes you.

[HadaraNight]

Thanks! Yeah! Indeed, many things have improved And thank you so much for answering my question.

 

You may be right... I may be trying too hard to get in a relationship it is possible people may feel it.

But well, actually, I've tried that before. The last time I had a crush on someone was five years ago and since nothing actually happened, I decided to go numb about love. I began avoiding it and I convinced myself I didn't need it. I stopped reading romantic novels or comics, and hating romance movies. I was so numb towards love that I could see guys I would consider "good looking" and not feel a single thing. It was like: "I should not even try, I may be ignored once again". So yeah, it was until recently that I got to feel the need of it once again (maybe pushed because I think I may have a crush on someone right now (a co-worker) but he was very clear last Friday that he doesn't want anything with me or any other girl so I just felt a little bit angry, you know? Like he did not even give me a chance to try... and then I feel I was stupid to ever think I could have a chance at love and my mind starts drifting like crazy...)

 

I feel so silly right now, wishing to be loved like I was a teenager once again. I always tell to myself "you are already an adult, you should not be so upset for such a silly thing as love". I remember a friend of mine told me once that "loves always comes when you are not expecting it", and I did believe her and did as she said. But now, five years later I decided to forsake love, I think again and wonder: "Actually, will it never happen to me?" I feel like I've done everything: try my best to get it; ignore it completely; and yet nothing happens... And so, the question popped up in my mind: "Will I be alone forever?" (Maybe I should really stop listening to such romantic songs, they get me bad hahaha xD)

[Wolfshook]

Have you ever tried asking somebody out yourself?

[Batya33]

I think you're forcing it too much and coming across as less than genuine/trying too hard. So yes, you overcorrected in a way. And you're rationalizing a good bit too which also isn't being honest with yourself. That is really impressive that you're getting out there more -you just have to find the right "ear" (like in music) for social skills and understand it's not a one size fits all. Love isn't silly. Loving is giving. What do you do to give to people and to show you care (including people you like, not intensely love)?

 

I also have heard wonderful things about Toastmasters for developing social skills.

[Waraqqa]

Have you ever tried asking somebody out yourself?

 

It's true. Many men these days find it refreshing if a woman asks them out. If you even remotely like someone, just do it.

And when you do it, when you are on a date, don't think too much of it, either. If you start painting pictures in your head from some romantic novels or some wedding as you sit there, or thinking "oh, he must be the one; is he the one?" - it might make it difficult and "expectationary" and thereby make a date kind of forced. So, in the beginning, go out on dates (and don't hesitate to ask them out), but on those dates be relaxed as if you are just with a guy friend. Then things might - or might not develop from there organically. Just start doing such things *to enjoy them*. Try to enjoy whatever the process brings and don't rush anything.

 

Speaking of - do you have many male friends? Just friends? Sometimes it can be helpful just to be around men and develop friendships with them - to get a glimpse into the worlds they inhabit, so to speak. That can shift your perception of seeing them as human beings you can relate to (rather than some foreign species) and down the road improve your dating life.

[gebaird]

I also have heard wonderful things about Toastmasters for developing social skills.

 

I joined Toastmasters a few years ago and it changed my life for the better in many ways. Highly recommended.

[HadaraNight]

@Wolfshook: Yes, I tried once. It was not that I told him I wanted to date him right away, I just said maybe we could get to know each other. But he began hiding from me, running away whenever he saw me, I mean, literally. I thought maybe I was being too pushy so I stopped trying to reach him, and after that I saw him dating another girl. Maybe he just didn't want anything from me at all, I concluded, and I moved on. After that one try, I decided not to ever try to get love by force and went numb about it... it's already been five years since that time.

 

@Batya33: well, I'm not such the loving kind of girl, I can say... I don't hug much or kiss or do things like that, not that people come to me looking for that, either. I try to do my best to help people whenever I can, and give advice whenever they ask me for it (which is what they usually come to me for most of the time). They say I'm like some kind of their "mentor", that they can always look for me if they need something. With my closest friends I like to give them small gifts and, since I love baking, I prepare pastries for them and we go together for a walk or coffee. I'm not that comfortable with hugging and, some years ago, I was very reluctant to it. But I've opened up myself to it and it is not that I avoid it now...if they come to me looking for a hug, I may do it, no problem at all. Toastmasters? I'll give it a chance! Thanks

 

@Waraqqa: Yep, I tried once and it was a total failure. Well, I'm pretty not sure how dating works. Here where I live, we only date someone else until we are already in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, never before. It is a cultural thing so, I find it very strange to invite a guy to a date because I think he will find it strange as well. And yeah, I have male friends, I have no problem dealing with them. I actually hang around better with guys than with girls; I've always been like this, since I was little I used to have better relationships with boys than with girls. So, the problem comes when it is about dating, just that. I mean, I can't picture a guy telling me he likes me because it has become so highly improbable... Maybe I'm just overall unattractive? Two years ago, I even asked myself about my sexuality, because a girl had asked me to go out with her... but I just can't feel "romantic" love towards another girl...

 

@gebaird: Wow! I will really give Toastmasters a chance! Thanks

[Batya33]

I didn't mean giving physical affection. Loving is giving -giving of time, sometimes giving of space because you care enough to know that that is what the person needs, etc. I'm glad you enjoy being a good friend to people.

[Wolfshook]

Where are you from if it's not a secret?

 

It's hard to say anything meaninghful without understanding how your culture works then.

[HadaraNight]

@Batya33: Oh! I'm sorry, I did not understand it well. Now I see what you mean.

 

@Wolfshook: I am from El Salvador, Central America.