I broke NC and I'm still hurting

[ed2099]

Original post:

 

enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530999&p=6771896#post6771896[/url]

 

So I broke no contact because curiosity got the better of me. I looked up the guy she left to be with (her 1st real boyfriend she was with two years ago). His Facebook relationship status changed to "In a relationship" but it didn't say with who. Her profile doesn't say anything. Either hers is set to friends only, she hasn't gotten around to fixing it, or hopefully they're not actually together.

 

The not knowing is killing me. After a weird slow breakup (which ironically seemed to come out of nowhere), and 3 (going on 4) weeks of no contact, I'm still a terrible mess. Random bouts of crying etc. Mentally begging someone who isn't listening for her to come back.

 

At this point I still want her back but I can't say if getting her back is the best thing for me as much as I may want it - as happy as I know it would make me. The mixed feelings don't help, but more than anything I just need to know that I mattered. That I wasn't just another guy for her box of memories. I just want to be happy again. If happy is with her, then so be it. I've tried burying myself in my work, focusing on my health at the gym, spending time with friends etc. Nothing really seems to help.

 

The road to happiness is paved with wonderful memories with her, and I'm having trouble navigating it. We never had time for the bad things to happen for me to focus on. I want to let go if only to avoid this hurt and obsession, but I don't know how when I still have hope that she will return. Especially when I'm afraid this hope is the only thing keeping me motivated to focus on myself.

 

I haven't contacted her and I don't plan on it. I'm not friends with her on Facebook and I don't follow her on Instagram. I'm trying to take the right steps but some days are so hard.

 

Do I hold on to this hope that she will realize what she lost? Or do I let her go completely? She said she would like to stay friends in the midst of the break up and I turned her down. I told her I couldn't do it. But maybe that's why I haven't heard from her. Do I contact her? Or keep playing the NC game and pray she realizes? I don't know what's best for me anymore.

 

Thanks for any help you can offer.

[Sillybillycat]

Oh, I get you, and I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this. Being dumped for someone else leaves a special kind of scar, that in my experience is very difficult to get over sometimes.

What I can recommend you (what's been working for me) is trying new things to distract yourself, and keeping NC no matter what.

You especially got me at "I want to know that I mattered". I know, it hurts. But if she left you for someone else, you probably deserve better than that.

For me it's been four months since the breakup (slow and somewhat out of the blue, as well), and three months of NC. I can tell you that it does get better, even though some days are better than others. Hang in there

[Bob2526]

I agree with sillybobcat. My break up occurred 3 months ago and I'm in months of no contact. I know about that pain. My ex just started dating a couple weeks ago and it renewed that pain all over again. It only lasted for a couple days and then I started focusing on myself again. It still sucks though but I've gotten a lot better.. Lot of people break no contact and it really does bring back the hurt and pain. Just have to start over and stop checking up on her or you'll never be able to move on or let go. I know it's hard but I know I've come along way and it does get better with time. Some say to have hope and others say you shouldn't have hope. I'm accepting what's meant to be will be. The suffering also became too much for me and thought how can I give one person so much power over me who is no longer in my life. Also the longer I continue to hurt or suffer, may also delay the one person I'm supposed to be with. Last thing, you do not need validation from anyone but yourself. Be strong and you will get through this.

[Bob2526]

I also read this post when I get down from time to time but I don't visit it as much as before.

 

 

[Clio]

You cannot control other people's behaviour. Breaking no contact would accomplish nothing. If she ever changes her mind, SHE will contact you regardless of what you told her. However, it sounds like she never got over her ex. Your time together DID matter but if you have such a 'what if' ex yourself, you will know that it can tempt someone regardless of the current partner's value.

 

Given the situation, it's best to move on. If they can abandon you like that, they are not good enough. The lesson to take from this is that anything new you learn about her from now on will have a toxic effect to your healing. Your best bet is avoid news about her like the plague. Pretend she is dead. In a way, she is. She is no longer the person you remember. Nothing you learn of her is of any benefit to you. She has become irrelevant.

 

At one month the break up is still very new. It WILL hurt for a while and that's how it's supposed to be. Shock, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. That's the five stages of grief. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

[ed2099]

You cannot control other people's behaviour. Breaking no contact would accomplish nothing. If she ever changes her mind, SHE will contact you regardless of what you told her. However, it sounds like she never got over her ex. Your time together DID matter but if you have such a 'what if' ex yourself, you will know that it can tempt someone regardless of the current partner's value.

 

Given the situation, it's best to move on. If they can abandon you like that, they are not good enough. The lesson to take from this is that anything new you learn about her from now on will have a toxic effect to your healing. Your best bet is avoid news about her like the plague. Pretend she is dead. In a way, she is. She is no longer the person you remember. Nothing you learn of her is of any benefit to you. She has become irrelevant.

 

At one month the break up is still very new. It WILL hurt for a while and that's how it's supposed to be. Shock, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance. That's the five stages of grief. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

 

I understand perfectly what you're saying. Thank you. That's very good advice.

 

What is your opinion of the situation in which she does come back? Assuming it's for the right reasons and not some rebound thing. Is it worth it to take someone back given the circumstances? Is it akin to the "once a cheater always a cheater" personality trait? Or is that something I'll just have to feel out for myself?

 

I've been through breakups before, but nothing quite like this where the other person technically did nothing wrong and was honest with me about everything. So I'm at a loss I guess.

[nsolo]

"The road to happiness is paved with wonderful memories with her, and I'm having trouble navigating it."

 

Just you saying the above quote tells me that you need to be on your own. Trust me. I've been in this same weak, dependent spot where I felt like the only thing that made me happy was being with her. You have to overcome this, and you have to overcome it as a single man. Perhaps you'll have to see a counselor and maybe even get on medication if you're a depressive type of person, but either way, finding happiness without her in your life will make you much stronger. Date lots of women. Keep your life moving forward. Fire up those dating apps (Tinder & Bumble, for instance). Focus on building your self-confidence (the gym is a great place for helping with that, so you are doing good there). Know that you are the man! This girl wants to tie herself up with some ex of hers? It's a good thing you got away from her when you did! Looks like you dodged a bullet to me.

[AisforBroken]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I want you to know that, no matter what all the websites and forums say, 3-4 weeks of no contact is usually not enough... it definitely wasn't for me. And I tried it multiple times. I'm 8 months post break up now and I can say I'm finally in a good place, but it took at least 7 months for me to get there. And although I still miss him, it's not that excruciating pain anymore like it was for the first few months. I've finally reached a place of acceptance, and started focusing on myself and actually enjoying my life without him, and you will too.

 

What I can tell you though, is that after 3-4 weeks of no contact, I would think I was in a good enough place to reach out. I would feel stronger than I was before the no contact, and I would tell myself "I'm good, I can be his friend, I'm better now"... but it would always backfire. I would always get emotional, bring up our relationship, and go right back to square one when he told me, yet again, that he just wanted to be friends. It was like breaking up all over again. I went through this cycle 3 times before realizing that I wasn't truly trying to move on. I was doing no contact to try to heal, yes, but I wasn't healing in the right ways. I was trying to 'get myself back' in order to 'get him back' and not trying to really move on.

 

It wasn't until I actually put my focus on moving on, and accepted the fact that it could mean possibly losing him forever, that I was able to get to a good place.

 

8 months probably seems like a LIFETIME in the state you're in right now... but there was a time that I honestly thought I would never feel better - I wasn't even sure what better would feel like... and month after month, it honestly just keeps getting better and better... I would suggest not reaching out at all. It just puts you back further. I would have healed a lot faster if I stuck with 100% no contact from the get-go... I wish I had, in hindsight... You won't feel like it's the best decision right now, but you will in the future when you look back at all the time you lost. I'd say if you're still trying to win her back, you're not ready to reach out. You have to be honest with yourself about that. Then if she wants to come back, you'll be in the right state of mind to make that decision clearly. And you can rest assured she is thinking about you and the decision she made.

 

But some people have to learn that lesson the hard way instead of taking advice from others. I know I did. It just processes in your brain differently when you experience it vs. hearing advice.

[ed2099]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I want you to know that, no matter what all the websites and forums say, 3-4 weeks of no contact is usually not enough... it definitely wasn't for me. And I tried it multiple times. I'm 8 months post break up now and I can say I'm finally in a good place, but it took at least 7 months for me to get there. And although I still miss him, it's not that excruciating pain anymore like it was for the first few months. I've finally reached a place of acceptance, and started focusing on myself and actually enjoying my life without him, and you will too.

 

What I can tell you though, is that after 3-4 weeks of no contact, I would think I was in a good enough place to reach out. I would feel stronger than I was before the no contact, and I would tell myself "I'm good, I can be his friend, I'm better now"... but it would always backfire. I would always get emotional, bring up our relationship, and go right back to square one when he told me, yet again, that he just wanted to be friends. It was like breaking up all over again. I went through this cycle 3 times before realizing that I wasn't truly trying to move on. I was doing no contact to try to heal, yes, but I wasn't healing in the right ways. I was trying to 'get myself back' in order to 'get him back' and not trying to really move on.

 

It wasn't until I actually put my focus on moving on, and accepted the fact that it could mean possibly losing him forever, that I was able to get to a good place.

 

8 months probably seems like a LIFETIME in the state you're in right now... but there was a time that I honestly thought I would never feel better - I wasn't even sure what better would feel like... and month after month, it honestly just keeps getting better and better... I would suggest not reaching out at all. It just puts you back further. I would have healed a lot faster if I stuck with 100% no contact from the get-go... I wish I had, in hindsight... You won't feel like it's the best decision right now, but you will in the future when you look back at all the time you lost. I'd say if you're still trying to win her back, you're not ready to reach out. You have to be honest with yourself about that. Then if she wants to come back, you'll be in the right state of mind to make that decision clearly. And you can rest assured she is thinking about you and the decision she made.

 

But some people have to learn that lesson the hard way instead of taking advice from others. I know I did. It just processes in your brain differently when you experience it vs. hearing advice.

 

Thank you for the advice. That really helps to put things in perspective. When she explained that she was still in love with her ex from two years prior, I told her I thought she was making a mistake and her response was, "Maybe, but I think it's a mistake I have to make." I know you're talking about reaching out and breaking no contact being a mistake, but I think your last paragraph really resonates with me in regard to her decision as well. Sometime people just need to live their experiences before they can reflect. Thanks again.

[vesper]

Original post:

 

enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530999&p=6771896#post6771896[/url]

 

So I broke no contact because curiosity got the better of me. I looked up the guy she left to be with (her 1st real boyfriend she was with two years ago). His Facebook relationship status changed to "In a relationship" but it didn't say with who. Her profile doesn't say anything. Either hers is set to friends only, she hasn't gotten around to fixing it, or hopefully they're not actually together.

 

The not knowing is killing me. After a weird slow breakup (which ironically seemed to come out of nowhere), and 3 (going on 4) weeks of no contact, I'm still a terrible mess. Random bouts of crying etc. Mentally begging someone who isn't listening for her to come back.

 

At this point I still want her back but I can't say if getting her back is the best thing for me as much as I may want it - as happy as I know it would make me. The mixed feelings don't help, but more than anything I just need to know that I mattered. That I wasn't just another guy for her box of memories. I just want to be happy again. If happy is with her, then so be it. I've tried burying myself in my work, focusing on my health at the gym, spending time with friends etc. Nothing really seems to help.

 

The road to happiness is paved with wonderful memories with her, and I'm having trouble navigating it. We never had time for the bad things to happen for me to focus on. I want to let go if only to avoid this hurt and obsession, but I don't know how when I still have hope that she will return. Especially when I'm afraid this hope is the only thing keeping me motivated to focus on myself.

 

I haven't contacted her and I don't plan on it. I'm not friends with her on Facebook and I don't follow her on Instagram. I'm trying to take the right steps but some days are so hard.

 

Do I hold on to this hope that she will realize what she lost? Or do I let her go completely? She said she would like to stay friends in the midst of the break up and I turned her down. I told her I couldn't do it. But maybe that's why I haven't heard from her. Do I contact her? Or keep playing the NC game and pray she realizes? I don't know what's best for me anymore.

 

Thanks for any help you can offer.

 

Do you think being friends is a good option or not?

[Fun Boater 1]

Sorry you are hurting. I DID go back and read your original thread off the link you posted. I can relate to what you are going through, believe me! I was particularly taken by your remark about how her "ex was crappy to her". Perhaps that is a huge attraction for her. Some girls are like that. You probably treated her very well and was good to her. However, she is very young, and you are almost 30 and you are both probably at very different places and stages in your lives. You only had 2 months together, and I'm not trying to make light of that short time span, but it is what it is.... Obviously, she still has feelings for this ex of hers and when she pushed you away she got back with him, doens't matter how it happened, it just did. My recent heartbreak came as a result of having a near perfect, no red flags, relationship with a broken and emotionally damaged woman of 41 years with a terrible track record of guys who treated her horribly - emotional and physical abuse included. She always treated me like the love of her life and would always remind me of how happy I made her, how well I treated her...how happy she was to have found me...etc..etc... blah blah blah. So at the 6-7 month mark she pushed me away. She too was going through a bunch of issues (depression, anxiety..etc..) most of which had nothing to do with me, mostly work and family related. So she pushed me away. I let her. and here's the kicker ....shortly thereafter she reopened her door to an abusive, toxic, loser, criminal, drughead EX who she has an active restraining order against due to stuff he pulled with her before. We've been in sporadic communication since, but she can't break away from him now that she let him back in, even though I think she wants to. So I can relate to what you are going through. Some people are just batsh*t crazy and suffer from low self esteem....even at age 40.

 

Bottom line is that all you can do is to keep your distance. Continue to focus on yourself and heal. Be thankful you found out who she is at the 2 month mark and not the year, 2 year, or 5 year mark. Apparently she was not fully over her ex, of her ex has some kind of hold on her that keeps her stuck. As far as "letting her go completely". You can't arbitrarily set a date to do that. Your heart will tell you when you have let go completely. Unfortunately. You can hope for her return, that's fine, but don't be obsessed with it. Meet others, have fun with your friends, and start dating again. That's whats best for you at this point. She will undoubtedly contact you if she wants to reconnect.

 

Remember these useful adages that apply in your situation:

"What was, was, but isn't anymore".

"Start living your life as if she had never been in it, and won't ever be in it again"

"If someone can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who can leave you".

"Scarcity creates value....so if you want to create value to her, make yourself scarce".

[AisforBroken]

Thank you for the advice. That really helps to put things in perspective. When she explained that she was still in love with her ex from two years prior, I told her I thought she was making a mistake and her response was, "Maybe, but I think it's a mistake I have to make." I know you're talking about reaching out and breaking no contact being a mistake, but I think your last paragraph really resonates with me in regard to her decision as well. Sometime people just need to live their experiences before they can reflect. Thanks again.

 

My ex broke up with me not necessarily for another specific person, but just because he felt he needed to explore his options. His line of reasoning was that he "didn't want to die with regrets"... he felt it was something he HAD to do, or else he would be questioning it forever - and that's not fair to either of us to be in a relationship with someone who is unsure or who you're unsure about. It's very similar to your ex, I believe, in that - YES - it's very possible that she will realize that you're the one she wants to be with after all, but try to understand that she needed to do this for her own sanity and for yours as well. If she comes back, you'll know she's yours, because she was able to explore that option and not sit in doubt in a relationship with you. That's how I see my ex too... We, of course, wish that they could just come to the conclusion without having to leave, but sometimes people need to realize what's best for them in their own way.

 

And if they don't come back, just know that there was nothing you could have done to make it any different. It's them, not you. You have to believe that. And they would have left at some point in the future anyway, so better they did it now.