I want my ex boyfriend back but I am lost

[Krisss]

My ex boyfriend and i have history backing up to about 7 years. Never actually boyfriend and girlfriend just the timing was never right. Well this past November we rekindled and actually got together. He is in the army and lives on base in Georgia but he would come every weekend and spend it with me. We really were amazing together. He is everything I have ever wanted and treats me like a queen. Well i noticed that he is very loving, sometimes too loving. And it became a problem for me when our conversations were all I love you I love you more but I really love you type thing. So i mentioned to him that I did not want to have us lose the value of what we mean and maybe he should tone it down a bit. He took that to heart. He started getting a little distant and that caused us to argue and fight over you name it. (this was in the last 3 weeks) well he has also been going through it with work and is stressed out too.

 

Well 3 weeks ago monday we got into a fight (i'll save the details) and I just called it a night. OH and all of this tension on top of the fact that we havent seen eachother in a month. well come tuesday he apologized to me in the morning but I was still upset and told him I still needed some space. He said he understood and to just text him when i wanted to talk and he would be there. That was at 10am. By 2:30pm he had texted me saying "i dont think i can do this anymore...im not happy anymore" and he broke up with me. At first I was mad but after a while it hit me and I became the pathetic but how can you leave me if you love me type girl. he immediately deleted me off every social media and deleted all of our pictures. I gave him two days and wrote him a MASSIVE message (almost like a book) on friday and he responded the next day and said that he had read the message over 100 times but he could not find the longing to see me or want to be with me anymore. That he was sorry but he doesn't have it in him anymore, he is sorry and to not text back. I was so hurt by his rejection after what i said to him that I responded " You never meant what you said to me, someone who loves you does not do what you are doing and I will never forgive you" he then responded " you can think what you want, I dont need forgiveness" and I never responded.

 

I have been utterly distraught. i dont sleep, I dont eat and I need help. His mentality is army too. So it is like he just shut off a switch. He has told me how in love he is with me, how he has never been with someone like me, nobody has done for him what I have, how he wants to marry me and grow old with me... to then completely cut me off as if he never said that. I am lost.

 

I have not spoke to him since that saturday and am trying to implement the NC rule. I am on day 13.

 

Is there any chance I can really get him back? he blocked me off social media so is that a for sure sign he is done? what can i do to get him back when he seems so stubborn and is playing victim like i did the WORST OF THE WORST to him? I don't know what to think or anything.

 

I recently started doing a workshop and hitting the gym to keep my mind off him but I just keep having break downs. One second I am fine, the next I am not. I cant shake the feeling of blame and guilt like maybe I should not have told him he was being too much, or maybe I should not have argued with him. I keep feeling like this is all my fault. I want nothing more than to have him back but he has not reached out to me and I am fighting the urge to reach out to him.

 

Like I said he is in the Army and lives on base but he will be home this weekend for a family birthday and will only be 20 minutes away instead of 4 hours. Half of me is hopeful he will reach out, the other half says he wont. I am probably rambling but I just need outside help.

 

Someone help me

How can he just abandon me when things get rough. I apologized and want nothing more than to fix things between us. We ALWAYS come back to eachother and he really is an amazing man. I am a little rough around the edges sometimes but if he loved me like he said he did, how is this so easy?

[happyfrank]

He took it that you didn't love him back when you ask him to tone it down. He saw no point after that to be with you.

 

It's best to move on.

[rosephase]

He's a really amazing man who will leave you at the drop of a hat. Do you really want that?

 

What was the fight about?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What was the argument about because it seems directly related to this breakup? Was it an ongoing or recurrent issue?

 

Lay back and don't text any more. Wait to see if he contacts you. use this time to calm yourself and reflect on if you even want to continue.

 

All the anger from this argument... from silent treatment to breaking up to this:

 

I responded " You never meant what you said to me, someone who loves you does not do what you are doing and I will never forgive you"

 

he then responded "you can think what you want, I dont need forgiveness" and I never responded.

[Krisss]

But I do love him, and he should know that. We even spoke about it and he said he understood. I know i hurt his feelings but he has hurt mine before and I still stayed to work through them.

[Krisss]

Rosephase - my grandfather got into a bad accident. I did not know if he was going to make it etc. I told him I was panicking and he said " I have seen people get shot and been fine, he will be fine" making it more so about him. Then he was texting me while I was at the hospital saying "its okay, he will be okay, you will be fine, no need to be upset" etc. meanwhile my other friends are telling me "Is there anything we can do? Do you need anything? We will pray, sorry this is happening". So i got upset that he was not being very supportive so i told him and he said that all my other friends arent in the army and dont have commanders yelling at them not to be on their phone but he was on it anyways to try to calm me down and I just told him I needed more from him today and he told me since he was such a disappointment to go talk to other people. So I told him I didnt have time to deal with the pity party and needed to deal with my grandfather. Then the next day he apologized but I was still upset and he told me to take my time and he would be there when I wanted to talk. Before I could reach out, I had the "I cant do this anymore I am not happy" text. Completely blind sided me.

[rosephase]

But I do love him, and he should know that. We even spoke about it and he said he understood. I know i hurt his feelings but he has hurt mine before and I still stayed to work through them.

 

And he didn't. You are attached to someone who isn't attached to you. He wasn't willing to work through whatever that fight was about and you pushing his displays of affection away and you being resistant to his apology. That isn't nothing.

 

What was the fight about?

[Krisss]

My grandfather landed in the hospital with some pretty bad injuries. I was panicking because my grandfather is my entire world. As I was panicking I was telling him so he could console me and he said something that stuck out - " I have seen people get shot an they have been fine, your grandfather will be fine" and to me, he was making it about himself, and his experiences. Then he was texting me "it will be okay, you will be okay, he will be okay" just like that. Meanwhile my friends are "OMG is he okay, is there anything we can do? do you need anything, please keep us updated and posted" etc. So I got upset and told him that I needed more from him today, that I was expecting a little more and he immediately got defensive. He said all your friends arent in the army, they dont have commanders yelling in their face to get off their phone, now that you have made me feel horrible I am going to bed talk to your other friends. So I told him I did not have time for the pity party because I was dealing with my grandfather and that was it. The next day he apologized for how he acted but I was still upset and stressed over my grandfathers health and he suggested I take a little and just talk to him when I feel better. Before I even had a chance he blind sided me with the break up text. I thought it especially cruel because I was already dealing with my grandfather and his health, and then to add on top of it him leaving me when I needed him the most. I know this sounds like I already have my answer and I should not want to be with someone who can just get up and leave but I cant help but feel guilty and put the blame on myself for having said the he was being too much to begin with. But also, because we are long distance, I wanted more depth to our conversations besides just I love you, i miss you, no but I really love you etc. So I figured just being honest with him and telling him I just don't want to lose the value of it, he would understand. Which he said he did, when he really...didnt.

 

He has hurt me in the past, the times I mentioned of not the right timing? He would talk to me, lead me on, tell me he did not want to be in a relationship and a few days or week later had a new girlfriend. He did this to me last july and we did not speak until november when they had broken up and I forgave him and took him back AGAIN, and we actually got together. Although that was so bad, the relationship was amazing except for the last month which i explained was rocky.

 

I am so back and forth with everything I do not know what to feel, how to feel, what to do. My friends are tired of hearing about it and I just need advice from other people.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately when he wanted to be emotional you didn't want that and when he wanted to be logical and calming, not hysterical, you didn't want that either.

 

Then you compared him negatively to your OMG! local friends and he said 'ok going to bed, talk to them'.

 

LDRs are difficult but in addition to that you sound incompatible at least emotionally and as far as communication. People act how they are and do what they do. They may not hit the nail on the head every time, even though well meaning but you seem to need very specific responses.

M he said something that stuck out - " I have seen people get shot an they have been fine, your grandfather will be fine" and to me, he was making it about himself, and his experiences. Then he was texting me "it will be okay, you will be okay, he will be okay" just like that.

[Krisss]

Ughhhhh, and that makes complete sense. This all started happening in the last month of our relationship on top of not seeing eachother the whole month cause before hand I was just as emotional as he was. But I felt like maybe the honeymoon stage was over? Or just the reality of not seeing him? we had seen eachother every weekend for 3 months straight to not seeing him an entire month to give us time together to make up and be in eachothers presence, I am not sure. I look back and regret acting like that. I really do want him back, I can work on things and try to fix them. But he has shut down. I have not reached out to him in 13 days and all my friends tell me to just give him time and he will release the negative emotions and come back but I don't know this time. We really are compatible, I have never met someone who is exactly like me to an extent. & I am just so confused.

[Krisss]

I think I really messed this one up

[rosephase]

Well, he doesn't sound like that great of a guy. It looks like he's always had you on the back burner and was only interested when it was easy and the moment it wasn't he bailed. That doesn't sound like someone you should be wasting your time on.

 

Just as a relationship note: People deal with pain and grief differently. If you want or need a certain kind of support you need to be able to explain that in a non-blaming way. He very well might have been giving you the support he himself would want in that situation.

[Krisss]

Well, he doesn't sound like that great of a guy. It looks like he's always had you on the back burner and was only interested when it was easy and the moment it wasn't he bailed. That doesn't sound like someone you should be wasting your time on.

 

Just as a relationship note: People deal with pain and grief differently. If you want or need a certain kind of support you need to be able to explain that in a non-blaming way. He very well might have been giving you the support he himself would want in that situation.

 

i agree, it really does seem like he only wanted me when it was easy but when real situations occurred he just abandoned me. i admit not being the easiest person to deal with at all times but if he loved me how he said he did i assumed he would stay and work with me, not against me. i've always loved him more to where i would forgive him and stuff and i guess he didn't really feel the kind of love he thought he did because no matter how hard things get, if you love them, and it's not toxic or abusive, you stay.

 

i'm honestly just heart broken.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can learn early in life about relationships is that love Doesn't conquer all.

[rosephase]

i agree, it really does seem like he only wanted me when it was easy but when real situations occurred he just abandoned me. i admit not being the easiest person to deal with at all times but if he loved me how he said he did i assumed he would stay and work with me, not against me. i've always loved him more to where i would forgive him and stuff and i guess he didn't really feel the kind of love he thought he did because no matter how hard things get, if you love them, and it's not toxic or abusive, you stay.

 

i'm honestly just heart broken.

 

That isn't true. You can love people and not be a good match. Love itself isn't enough. Love is a feeling. Commitment, compassion, collaboration and compatibility actually matter a lot more in long term relationships.

 

I'm sorry you are heartbroken. You'll heal in time. And someday you will find someone who not only loves you but is willing to work with and for you to make your relationship work. Watch how people treat you. Don't get attached to people who only see you as an option. This dude walked out of your life a couple of times before you even got in a real relationship. Pay attention to how people treat you, not what they say.

[Krisss]

That isn't true. You can love people and not be a good match. Love itself isn't enough. Love is a feeling. Commitment, compassion, collaboration and compatibility actually matter a lot more in long term relationships.

 

I'm sorry you are heartbroken. You'll heal in time. And someday you will find someone who not only loves you but is willing to work with and for you to make your relationship work. Watch how people treat you. Don't get attached to people who only see you as an option. This dude walked out of your life a couple of times before you even got in a real relationship. Pay attention to how people treat you, not what they say.

 

you are so unbelievably right. love is choosing to go through the things when they get dark, not running. one day i will find someone who won't run from me and will not treat me like i'm an option. you don't understand how much into perspective you've put things. thank you so much. to everyone who has responded to me. i was feeling extra horrible cause he is in town but i know in time i'll be okay and when he looks back, i won't be on the back burner any more.

[rosephase]

Good luck! Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself while you are healing.

[Annia]

You two have different "love languages" (I never read that book, but what I mean is that you express love differently). I don't think that he or you acted totally wrong. I can see his side of the equation, even though I think he was oversensitive with the "tone it down" part. However I can also see your side.

 

I think he became fed up of the distance, arguing and then he wasn't taking your emotional manipulation anymore. Yes, it's manipulative to say stuff "if you loved me", "I'll never forgive you" bla bla bla. I think you need to respect his will of not wanting the relationship anymore. You both weren't happy and it wasn't working. Him breaking up doesn't mean he didn't love you at the time, it just means that the relationship wasn't working and he didn't want to work on it anymore. Also as I said, you weren't compatible.

 

Good luck and keep strong.

 

But I do love him, and he should know that. We even spoke about it and he said he understood. I know i hurt his feelings but he has hurt mine before and I still stayed to work through them.

 

Loving someone doesn't always mean staying together. You love him, we get it, but you need to respect his will of not wanting the relationship. He also doesn't seem like he is the right person for you at this moment.

 

You were also going through a difficult time so it's totally understandable that you were more sensitive and he wasn't very supportive. I'm very sorry for what happened to your grandfather. I hope that you find it in yourself to heal and move on.

[aberdarecat91]

Hi!

 

I'm brand new to these forums and stumbled upon this post. I'm in this situation now.

 

Here is my story

 

I have been with my ex fiance for 5 years (known each other for 7 yrs) and he lives a 30 minute drive away from me (we both live in England)

 

He is 26. I am 25. We have been engaged for roughly 18 months.

 

We broke upon the 15th February after a ton of arguments. We argued over everything. The weeks prior to the break up we had doubts over us lasting, but we wanted to make it work. He also has a load of personal issues over the years, which I have tried to help him with.

But it got out of control and now looking back I should have pushed back a lot more.

 

He suffers from depression, and he knows I helped him through it a lot. He also has health issues and I helped as best as I could.

 

Anyway, right after breakup I wrote him a long letter and posted it. The 18th February (3 days later) he texted me telling me he thought it was lovely and we should meet up for a coffee and to be friends.

 

This happened, we ended up kissing and cuddling, then me crying and storming off.

 

Since the 18th feb, we have talking daily but I got pissed off with him treating me like a friend,as we are both still deeply in love.

 

We met up again for the 2nd time, but that didn't work. Again, it ended up in tears my part.

 

Everyday since we ended up somehow talking, and arguing and getting angry at each other (even after splitting?!!) which is understandable.

 

Anyway. This weekend just gone (26th March) we said some horrible things to each other and it ended up in a full blown row. He then said he doesn't want to speak to me anymore as he just brings out the worst in me and I bring out the worst in him.

 

I have now figured that me and him haven't given each other any time to grieve. We went BANG right into being friends immediately after breaking up.

 

I am now hoping that he will see this, and I messaged him this morning saying we need to give each other space to cool before being friends.

 

We literally gave each other 3 days before tryng to be friends. It didn't work. I hope after a month of no contact we will somehow be speaking. I regret everything I said to him. I said that in this message I sent this morning.

 

Anyway. I'm distraught. Just know you're not alone and can totally relate to you xx

[TheRawTruth]

Honestly, the boyfriend wasn't wrong here. Let's examine the facts.

 

1. He was extremely lovy dovy, sweet, and verbally expressed his feelings toward you daily.

 

2. You told him he should tone it down a bit. (Really? Strike 1.)

 

3. You got into a fight over your grandfather's condition. You claim he wasn't being supportive, but he ACTUALLY WAS, by trying to give you HOPE, telling you he would be fine. He was trying to make you feel BETTER instead of hopeless.

 

4. You said that wasn't good enough (even though he risked getting in trouble for you, being on his phone) all because he wasn't saying exactly what your friends were saying. So, he was wrong in your eyes, and you called it a night. (Strike 2.)

 

5. HE APOLOGIZES (trying to make it better, be a good boyfriend, swallow his pride, etc.)

 

6. You blow him off and say you're still mad. (Strike 3.)

 

After that, your boyfriend decided he has had ENOUGH!

 

First you tell him he's too sweet and nice, THEN you tell him he's not nice ENOUGH. Really? What gives? Finally, HE gave. He had enough. I don't blame him. You pushed him away for no reason.

[Krisss]

Just wanted to update everyone who responded to my post. WE ARE BACK TOGETHER!!!!! Lol, after reading everyone's insight I took it into consideration and put myself in his shoes. I was horrible to him, when he was trying to do everything he could. I did not see it at the time but I did now.

 

OH & side note, no contact really does work. I was so skeptical and wanted nothing more but to talk to him and try to plead my case but I stayed away. That ultimately brought him back. I know you're supposed to go full NC for 30 days and ignore them when they try to reach out but something in my heart told me to answer the phone. That lead to a 45 minute call, and that lead to a 4 hour facetime call. Hours of tears, of apologies, of realizations. A whole lot of everything. We both realized where we went wrong and how much we love eachother and I especially realized what I did to make us break up to begin with.

 

This past weekend he was in town and spent the entire weekend with me and it was as if nothing ever happened. Except for us being completely all over each other. I feel as though this made our relationship stronger as we know exactly what not to do.

 

@ Abderdarecat don't give up. But really try to focus on yourself. Trust me, as hard as it is and feels, if it is meant to be it will be. Whether it be now or later, and that has to give you some sort of comfort.

 

Take it from me.

 

Wish me luck guys