Wife Is Prioritizing Career Over Me

[IAmFCA]

I said his points, which I quoted, were fair.... and they are.

 

It is fair to acknowledge the challenge of a dual career path that necessarily leads them to be far apart from one another.

 

It isn't fair to state the solution as an all or nothing test of her love.

[mustlovedogs]

... that was nowhere in the specific text I quoted.

[loyalhusband]

Well, let me put it more simply. She can ask me to visit her and I will not go because it might effect her grades. And even if I go, I will not disturb her. I will just be with her.

 

And in military, every now and then tasks and assignments come. So, after basic training she will say that the next assignment is even more challenging and so on. There will be no end to it. If she is going all that career driven, she should clearly tell me. I will not expect too much closeness afterwards.

 

Also, in our society once married, your spouse is all that you have for happiness. I mean you can't hang out with other females, go to parties etc to divert your mind. I feel emotional vaccum when my wife is not around.

 

Also, military rules are very clear. To rise higher you need to burn the midnight oil otherwise you will retire most probably as a Lt Col. She says she doesn't dream big and I will be happy whatever she is comfortable with. But before marriage I told her that I will be happy watching her successful but not at the cost of relationship.

 

It has to be 1 or 0 in military mostly. I am asking her to make it 0.5.

[IAmFCA]

... that was nowhere in the specific text I quoted.

 

You're right. I should have quoted the earlier post that he had written. Sorry for that.

[IAmFCA]

Well, let me put it more simply. She can ask me to visit her and I will not go because it might effect her grades. And even if I go, I will not disturb her. I will just be with her.

 

And in military, every now and then tasks and assignments come. So, after basic training she will say that the next assignment is even more challenging and so on. There will be no end to it. If she is going all that career driven, she should clearly tell me. I will not expect too much closeness afterwards.

 

Also, in our society once married, your spouse is all that you have for happiness. I mean you can't hang out with other females, go to parties etc to divert your mind. I feel emotional vaccum when my wife is not around.

 

Also, military rules are very clear. To rise higher you need to burn the midnight oil otherwise you will retire most probably as a Lt Col. She says she doesn't dream big and I will be happy whatever she is comfortable with. But before marriage I told her that I will be happy watching her successful but not at the cost of relationship.

 

It has to be 1 or 0 in military mostly. I am asking her to make it 0.5.

 

I found it difficult to resolve differences when I saw my ex's decisions as setting precedent, and when I wanted to change that precedent.

 

Maybe the conversation you need to have to find peace in your marriage is one in which you express your fears about future assignments. Explain that when you think of accommodating basic training, you feel fear that you will lose her altogether, to one assignment after another. Just talking about your fear, being vulnerable with her about that emotion, that might help bring you together.

[RainyCoast]

so in the military it's all or nothing but you want her to do a half-arsed job and act like she's not in the military? right...

 

well. why don't i marry a top surgeon and ask he be a half-arsed surgeon because i don't want him wasting our precious seconds together on his job when his pager goes off.

 

you say it's an honorable pursuit, and demanding and couples feel the toll and that it goes for everyone in the military but when it extends to her she is overly career driven and condemning umborn children to living in a broken home. maybe you would honestly be better suited for someone who knits doggie sweaters from home and sells them on ebay for a living.

 

it's really neither fair nor sensible to guilt people for not doing half of a job.

[RainyCoast]

oh and omg this insistance to show up there REGARDLESS OF WHETHER SHE AGREES or not and to sulkingly play dead as she tries to study.

 

seriously. i can't.

 

good luck. to both of you. i trust she will excell and am thrilled for her. i, a stranger. sad that her hubs isn't.

[loyalhusband]

We have a love marriage. Love is bigger it doesn't stop one from excelling. Fine. But love also needs attention, closeness, sacrifices for something more bigger....being with the one you love. You can find a million successful people who have spent a lifetime pursuing their career but they have a void of love.

[loyalhusband]

I may be overthinking. But before this, she said that she is always busy with unit life and her parents so she is left with little time for me. I feel less loved. We have not yet settled together and her interest level is less in the relationship. She says she will be all for me when we will be together. I love her I know in my heart. But I just want to tell her that life is so beautiful to be wasted in over ambitions and loosing the opportunies to be with loved ones.

[RainyCoast]

i'm sorry but if her interest is indeed waning i would deduct that it is due to feeling smothered and pressured to live down to her abilities.

[abitbroken]

Well, let me put it more simply. She can ask me to visit her and I will not go because it might effect her grades. And even if I go, I will not disturb her. I will just be with her.

 

And in military, every now and then tasks and assignments come. So, after basic training she will say that the next assignment is even more challenging and so on. There will be no end to it. If she is going all that career driven, she should clearly tell me. I will not expect too much closeness afterwards.

 

Also, in our society once married, your spouse is all that you have for happiness. I mean you can't hang out with other females, go to parties etc to divert your mind. I feel emotional vaccum when my wife is not around.

 

Also, military rules are very clear. To rise higher you need to burn the midnight oil otherwise you will retire most probably as a Lt Col. She says she doesn't dream big and I will be happy whatever she is comfortable with. But before marriage I told her that I will be happy watching her successful but not at the cost of relationship.

 

It has to be 1 or 0 in military mostly. I am asking her to make it 0.5.

 

So she asks you to visit and you DO NOT GO???

You cannot complain that you never see her if she ASKS you to come see her.

And if you do go you won't talk to her??? you will just sit there? pleasant conversation is not "disturbing" someone.

 

It is WRONG THINKING to say your spouse is your only happiness because you are not allowed to hang out with other women. My guy has other happiness besides me - he grows vegetables, he has a hobby where he builds things. He loves animals - he has pets, he has nieces and nephews he sees and cares about. He enjoys ice skating. He likes to learn new things. He has a couple male friends that like his hobby as well. There are many happinesses that he has without spending time with "other women" who are not family. So find some other form of happiness while your wife is away so that when you DO see her or talk on the phone, you are not thinking about her being disloyal for having a job.

 

So be supportive. 4 months is not a long time!

 

if you did not want her to be in the military you should have discussed this before you were engaged. This way, she could have left and found someone else who supports her ambition in the military or if it wasn't her dream, she may have decided on a different job if you both agreed she should be home waiting for you. It is not fair that she is doing something for the good of both of your future and you are criticizing it. Look at it this way - if something happened to you in 20 years - instead of being the poor widow with no prospects, she would be able to survive because she has her own career.

[loyalhusband]

You all are right from various persepctives. I can honestly say that I have been able to fix myself in my sentiments. I hope that she gives me more attention and love after this training. We both are quite young to handle everything so maturely. But love makes everything work in the end. I might also be frustrated to not living with her after marriage because I love her and want to be with her as much as she wants too. She also loves me a lot and we sometimes have fights but we laugh afterwards and keep loving each other. I think every man intersted in her woman becomes a problem child demanding extra love and affection. I will honor her decision but I will keep pushing whenever i will feel she is ignoring me. She is not very much expressive and I urge her to express her love to me like a child ❤ i love her.

[abitbroken]

You all are right from various persepctives. I can honestly say that I have been able to fix myself in my sentiments. I hope that she gives me more attention and love after this training. We both are quite young to handle everything so maturely. But love makes everything work in the end. I might also be frustrated to not living with her after marriage because I love her and want to be with her as much as she wants too. She also loves me a lot and we sometimes have fights but we laugh afterwards and keep loving each other. I think every man intersted in her woman becomes a problem child demanding extra love and affection. I will honor her decision but I will keep pushing whenever i will feel she is ignoring me. She is not very much expressive and I urge her to express her love to me like a child ❤ i love her.

 

If you want her to show her love to you, then you have to not push her! Just simply show your love to her by being patient and understanding. Send her a gift once in awhile if its allowed, such as something that will make her more comfortable on training or if she is allowed to receive flowers in her room. She is showing you love by going through basic training so you can have a better future together.