Another funny situation - and what to do?

[katrina1980]

I don't think anyone should chase anyone else. I think it typically works better - for someone who eventually wants a serious long term relationship - if the man does more of the calling and asking out in the beginning stages of dating, with exceptions. I don't think asking someone out is chasing. And totally agree with the 50%!

 

By 'chasing' I meant pursuing, taking more initiative and planning. Which is up to the couple to decide what works best for them. Ideally, both should be initiating equally which is what is happening now in my relationship, but in the beginning as you know I did most of the initiating and planning, which is my nature, and I enjoyed. (I used to be an event planner before I started baking). My boyfriend reciprocated, yeah a bit of a role reversal I guess but it worked for us.

 

I respect your opinion though, different strokes and all that, and I am glad you agree about the 50%!

[Broomwood]

I'm starting to think affection is more the guy's personality than to the person he is with (sorry to be frank).

 

I think you are right in this observation. This is how I think about it too now, it doesn't make sense any other way.

 

Ae you sure the rebound guy won't commit? Did you talk to him? I think oftentimes it's not so black and white..

[Broomwood]

No much. I'm a big believer in having intense chemistry on first date.

 

About to head out for the 4th date, will try to get some clarification on where things are going.

 

I did go on the 5th date which also included meeting his best friend, and I must say I am glad I did. I saw him from other sides, and felt more attracted to him, and had great time. Yesterday we had a third date this week - I went to see his place, and we had sex. I still don't know how I feel about him. But I know that I feel insecure. He is a very talented guy - talented painter, entrepreneur, film maker and is an intellectual. And while I have my own talents, I feel I am no his equal, and I don't like this feeling. On top of that he's super handsome, and apparently dated a top model some years before.

 

Gosh, I really have a theme lately dating the kind of guys who make me feel insecure. I know it's about me, and not about them. Need to urgently do some digging inside myself..

[Batya33]

Maybe it's having sex without a commitment? Is that something you are good with or does it make you feel more attached and then insecure?

[Broomwood]

Thanks everybody for your views and suggestions, Kktang, Prajna and Batya33!

 

I think Prajna you confuse the two guys I was talking about, Guy 2 and Guy 3. I do get emotional connection with Guy 2, but his unengaging or "meh", how you call it convo, makes me wonder what is his ultimate motivation. It was me who asked him out last time!! Me. Wuah! And it was me who reciprocated his affection, even though I felt a bit overwhelmed in the beginning. I did not turn away my face when he was kissing me because I wanted to show him that I liked him. So given that he a) is far from stupid, b) is very self confident, c) his communication skills are in the top 5 percent and c) knows that he is a catch, the only logical conclusion to his "meh" convo is either 1) he not that into me, and wants me to do all the dance work for him, OR 2) he wants to be the woman in a relationship, and I will then be the man. I don't think I want either of those scenarios. Besides, I come to think that he's quite infantile. So, no, I am not writing anything to him myself.

 

Guy 3 is who I am not connecting emotionally with or not that much. Believe me, I am trying to open up, and doing it, and he is doing it too. Maybe it's not enough.

Maybe there isn't just enough physical chemistry from my part. I don't think there's enough. He seems into me, and things are progressing naturally. i am reciprocating, but he's already asking me if i fancy him because he doesn't feel that I do. And I don't know if I do or don't. I guess he'd be my perfect guy, if I felt emotionally connected with him. On Saturday I tried to tell him that I feel like it's a critical reasoning exercise for him when i open up, with no underlying empathy. He said that on the contrary he felt very empathic but didn't show it, trying to distract me by diminishing the scale of drama in what I was sharing with him..

And yesterday we had sex because he really had been asking for it, and I felt that by withholding it I am not achieving anything really. So I went with it. It was ok.

[Broomwood]

Maybe it's having sex without a commitment? Is that something you are good with or does it make you feel more attached and then insecure?

 

I don't know if I give him any commitment myself. I really don't know anything at this point. And yes, I can get attached, but I also know that I am strong, and should I continue feeling mostly nothing, I will have to stop it asap.

[Batya33]

I don't know if I give him any commitment myself. I really don't know anything at this point. And yes, I can get attached, but I also know that I am strong, and should I continue feeling mostly nothing, I will have to stop it asap.

 

OK - it depends how you react to sex. It's interesting that you describe it as "withholding" rather than "I chose not to." By not doing it the benefit (or the achievement) would have been that you wouldn't risk leading him on, and of course no risk of STDs or pregnancy (and the latter especially since you had sex with someone you don't feel emotionally connected to -that could be messy if you were potential parents!).

[kktang]

Ae you sure the rebound guy won't commit? Did you talk to him? I think oftentimes it's not so black and white..

 

We talked about this when I resumed dating early March. He said he would be heartbroken to see me leave but he spent all his life planning for the future when he was married now he is only going to plan 6 months at a time.

 

I'm stubborn looking for a very specific mold of guys. This rebound guy is far from what I've been looking for but he is super fun to be with, smart, good looking and I am definitely attracted to him after getting to know him. For a while the silly me think being with him and compromise on some of the things that are important to me is better than getting back out there to date. I'm glad I didn't, the non-texting guy and I are much more compatible for long-term (at least I hope).

[kktang]

I did go on the 5th date which also included meeting his best friend, and I must say I am glad I did. I saw him from other sides, and felt more attracted to him, and had great time. Yesterday we had a third date this week - I went to see his place, and we had sex. I still don't know how I feel about him.

 

So you felt attracted to him on the 5th date and yesterday you felt meh again? 3 dates a week is a lot for someone you are not head over heels with.

 

I felt meh the first 15-20 minutes on all the dates with the non-texting guy (probably resenting him for not contacting me), but once we have the conversation going I felt the connection again. We had a great 4th date, even tho we haven't met/in touch much for more than a week he remembered I said not finding good French onion soup in the city so he took me to a neighborhood French bistro and the soup was the best I had for a long time! During dinner he mentioned a few things he wants to do with me in the future, his view on marriage (seem a bit conservative won't date a divorcee and want marriage). When we were at my place watching Netflix we cuddled, kissed but he didn't try to makeout or wanted sex. I asked what is his texting style before he left he said he would text me. My anxiety pretty much gone after this date. His job search is not going as well as expected I don't want to give him pressure, just gonna trust there is something special between US for now.

[Broomwood]

So you felt attracted to him on the 5th date and yesterday you felt meh again? 3 dates a week is a lot for someone you are not head over heels with.

 

I felt meh the first 15-20 minutes on all the dates with the non-texting guy (probably resenting him for not contacting me), but once we have the conversation going I felt the connection again. We had a great 4th date, even tho we haven't met/in touch much for more than a week he remembered I said not finding good French onion soup in the city so he took me to a neighborhood French bistro and the soup was the best I had for a long time! During dinner he mentioned a few things he wants to do with me in the future, his view on marriage (seem a bit conservative won't date a divorcee and want marriage). When we were at my place watching Netflix we cuddled, kissed but he didn't try to makeout or wanted sex. I asked what is his texting style before he left he said he would text me. My anxiety pretty much gone after this date. His job search is not going as well as expected I don't want to give him pressure, just gonna trust there is something special between US for now.

 

It is a good point you're making - you felt meh the 15-20 min because likely of resentment that he hadn't texted you. I think this is how I feel in some way. I feel that was he more affectionate with me (gosh, I need a lot), and complementing me more, and making me feel safe, I'd open up and feel much more for him.

You slightly misunderstood me. I felt crazy about him on the 1st and 2nd dates. But then got turned off somewhat on dates 3 and 4. We discussed some heavy topics, and I just felt heaviness after that third date. Date 4 he came to mine, and I got turned off by his clothes and underwear (does he really have to wear those scruffy shirts and cheap underwear when going on a date?). Then on again on date 5 when we went out with his friends. And no change on date 6 (with sex).

 

3 dates a week is a lot, I agree, but this is what he wants. I suppose I went along with it since I didn't know how exactly I was feeling. But I didn't do anything I didn't want to do.

[Broomwood]

So you felt attracted to him on the 5th date and yesterday you felt meh again? 3 dates a week is a lot for someone you are not head over heels with.

 

I felt meh the first 15-20 minutes on all the dates with the non-texting guy (probably resenting him for not contacting me), but once we have the conversation going I felt the connection again. We had a great 4th date, even tho we haven't met/in touch much for more than a week he remembered I said not finding good French onion soup in the city so he took me to a neighborhood French bistro and the soup was the best I had for a long time! During dinner he mentioned a few things he wants to do with me in the future, his view on marriage (seem a bit conservative won't date a divorcee and want marriage). When we were at my place watching Netflix we cuddled, kissed but he didn't try to makeout or wanted sex. I asked what is his texting style before he left he said he would text me. My anxiety pretty much gone after this date. His job search is not going as well as expected I don't want to give him pressure, just gonna trust there is something special between US for now.

 

I am so glad for you things are going well with the non-texting guy! He does seem attentive and long term minded. Well done!

[kktang]

I am so glad for you things are going well with the non-texting guy! He does seem attentive and long term minded. Well done!

 

He texted today! Gosh since when getting a text from someone you went on 4 dates with became something to celebrate.

 

Had a huge fight with rebound guy last week, I called him out on some of his lies and left without accepting his apology, my last words to him was I believe in action not words. We didn't talked for a few days, I texted him over the weekend to discuss logistic for our music festival trip this weekend. We were so looking forward to our first trip together few weeks ago now I'm dragging to be in the car with him for 15+ hours. He is skipping practice tonight so we won't see each other prior to the trip, I rather clear things out and go as friends (that's how I feel from his text) than now I don't know what to expect. This is my first music festival I really want to have a good time.

[kktang]

You slightly misunderstood me. I felt crazy about him on the 1st and 2nd dates. But then got turned off somewhat on dates 3 and 4. We discussed some heavy topics, and I just felt heaviness after that third date. Date 4 he came to mine, and I got turned off by his clothes and underwear (does he really have to wear those scruffy shirts and cheap underwear when going on a date?). Then on again on date 5 when we went out with his friends. And no change on date 6 (with sex).

 

3 dates a week is a lot, I agree, but this is what he wants. I suppose I went along with it since I didn't know how exactly I was feeling. But I didn't do anything I didn't want to do.

 

Cheap shirt and underwear are easy problem to fix. What you found him attractive on date 1, 2 & 5? I generally feel dinner or coffee dates are difficult to build chemistry so I prefer activity date, maybe do something fun together and see you feel the attraction again?

[Broomwood]

He texted today! Gosh since when getting a text from someone you went on 4 dates with became something to celebrate.

 

Had a huge fight with rebound guy last week, I called him out on some of his lies and left without accepting his apology, my last words to him was I believe in action not words. We didn't talked for a few days, I texted him over the weekend to discuss logistic for our music festival trip this weekend. We were so looking forward to our first trip together few weeks ago now I'm dragging to be in the car with him for 15+ hours. He is skipping practice tonight so we won't see each other prior to the trip, I rather clear things out and go as friends (that's how I feel from his text) than now I don't know what to expect. This is my first music festival I really want to have a good time.

 

Haha! Congrats nonetheless. If you are anything like me fueled by challenge, this'd be something to celebrate.

 

It would be really tough to go in the same car for 15+ hours. Do you have to do this? The atmosphere can be very heavy, and this will affect your mood ahead of the festival. And then 15+ hours back. Music festivals are all the time. I would either not go at all or go in a different car.

 

Well done though on ending it with the guy you saw no future with.

[Broomwood]

I know! And oh boy has he improved. I'm very pleased with clothes now. Things have improved a lot in general. I do feel attracted to him a lot, to the point of being nervous around him, and connected. I am pretty sure I'm falling for him. I love it how we can discuss everything and anything, and how he wears no armour; it takes a lot of courage to do that.

 

We have now had.. 7 dates. Seeing him tonight again. He's cooking dinner.

[kktang]

Haha! Congrats nonetheless. If you are anything like me fueled by challenge, this'd be something to celebrate.

 

It would be really tough to go in the same car for 15+ hours. Do you have to do this?

 

We were texting back and forth trying to meet this week nothing worked but good communication.

 

The drive is 7 hours one way I couldn't believe we talked through the whole 7 hours! It was a bit awkward at the beginning but knowing I'm not attracted to him anymore just friends and have a good time. Intellectually we really connected so I'm sure we'll still be friends maybe do some projects together in the future.

[kktang]

I know! And oh boy has he improved. I'm very pleased with clothes now. Things have improved a lot in general. I do feel attracted to him a lot, to the point of being nervous around him, and connected. I am pretty sure I'm falling for him. I love it how we can discuss everything and anything, and how he wears no armour; it takes a lot of courage to do that.

 

We have now had.. 7 dates. Seeing him tonight again. He's cooking dinner.

 

Happy to hear you guys are connecting and you're falling for him. 7 dates things are getting more serious!

[Broomwood]

We were texting back and forth trying to meet this week nothing worked but good communication.

 

The drive is 7 hours one way I couldn't believe we talked through the whole 7 hours! It was a bit awkward at the beginning but knowing I'm not attracted to him anymore just friends and have a good time. Intellectually we really connected so I'm sure we'll still be friends maybe do some projects together in the future.

 

Hey Kktang, was wondering how you are doing, if things improved with the non-texting guy and such. He is probably now the regularly texting one.

 

On my front, sadly, it looks like we'll end things soon, whoever does it first is irrelevant. It might be me, but I seem to lack guts.. What went wrong? Hard to say, I just don't feel what I want to feel when I am around him. It feels lonely most of the time and cold. Sex too is unsatisfactory. There are things about him that I will miss, but on balance they are far less important than those two. Have a date with a new guy on Monday, and meeting with Guy 1 today as friends.. I need, I suppose, to distract myself.

[Annia]

"And I want to make plans for this week, but don't want to exclude him"

 

Why if you barely know him? What's the problem of excluding him from plans?

 

As a person who also has a tendency to get over attached after a short period of time of good connection and all that, I strongly advise you to stop overthinking so much and just let it flow. It has only been two dates so try to calm down and give it time.

 

PS: I've read the rest of the thread now.

 

 

I did go on the 5th date which also included meeting his best friend, and I must say I am glad I did. I saw him from other sides, and felt more attracted to him, and had great time. Yesterday we had a third date this week - I went to see his place, and we had sex. I still don't know how I feel about him. But I know that I feel insecure. He is a very talented guy - talented painter, entrepreneur, film maker and is an intellectual. And while I have my own talents, I feel I am no his equal, and I don't like this feeling. On top of that he's super handsome, and apparently dated a top model some years before.

 

Gosh, I really have a theme lately dating the kind of guys who make me feel insecure. I know it's about me, and not about them. Need to urgently do some digging inside myself..

 

Are you Carrie from Sex and the City and he's that Russian artist? lol

 

With my last guy I also felt like he was so more talented than me... like he had many talents and I had few. I felt like I was probably bland in comparison to him. However if he likes you it's because he finds you interesting.

[Annia]

Hey Kktang, was wondering how you are doing, if things improved with the non-texting guy and such. He is probably now the regularly texting one.

 

On my front, sadly, it looks like we'll end things soon, whoever does it first is irrelevant. It might be me, but I seem to lack guts.. What went wrong? Hard to say, I just don't feel what I want to feel when I am around him. It feels lonely most of the time and cold. Sex too is unsatisfactory. There are things about him that I will miss, but on balance they are far less important than those two. Have a date with a new guy on Monday, and meeting with Guy 1 today as friends.. I need, I suppose, to distract myself.

 

Chalk it up to experience. Sometimes people are amazing but we just can't feel the connection and reciprocate. It's better to end things soon than to drag it along.

[kktang]

Hey Kktang, was wondering how you are doing, if things improved with the non-texting guy and such. He is probably now the regularly texting one.

 

On my front, sadly, it looks like we'll end things soon, whoever does it first is irrelevant. It might be me, but I seem to lack guts.. What went wrong? Hard to say, I just don't feel what I want to feel when I am around him. It feels lonely most of the time and cold. Sex too is unsatisfactory. There are things about him that I will miss, but on balance they are far less important than those two. Have a date with a new guy on Monday, and meeting with Guy 1 today as friends.. I need, I suppose, to distract myself.

 

Sorry to hear things are not working out for you. If you found him incompatible and being with him doesn't make you happy, not wasting each other time is probably the best thing to do.

 

Things aren't progressing much at my end. We had a good 5th date the week before, I attended an event with him and met his buddy. The next day he flew out to visit his family for a week, I texted him good flight he replied he would keep my stomach in mind. NO TEXT WHILE GONE! I texted him Tues to see if he's ready to be back; he responded soon that he was on the way back, didn't had time to get me delicacy and asked for Utah recommendations he is going there this weekend. I replied with my tips and he didn't text back, I was feeling pretty sad Thursday about his ghosting. He texted Friday morning saying he is taking off let's catchup next weekend, I haven't reply yet.

 

I really like this guy, him and I have the same weirdness. He was my trial date after a 4 months dating hiatus, within the first 30 min I told him I don't kiss on first date, don't date on weekend at early stage, life is super busy, travel a lot and want a partner who is okay with me traveling without him (talk about red flags haha). Turned out he is also big in sole traveling and we share many atypical interests. He is in between jobs I totally understand his focus on travel and job search, I think we'll be slow dating until he lands a job. So far he has been a real gentleman, we held hand every date and some kisses but he didn't made a move when we were at my place or heavy makeout in general, not sure it's a good or bad thing.

[Broomwood]

Sorry to hear things are not working out for you. If you found him incompatible and being with him doesn't make you happy, not wasting each other time is probably the best thing to do.

 

Things aren't progressing much at my end. We had a good 5th date the week before, I attended an event with him and met his buddy. The next day he flew out to visit his family for a week, I texted him good flight he replied he would keep my stomach in mind. NO TEXT WHILE GONE! I texted him Tues to see if he's ready to be back; he responded soon that he was on the way back, didn't had time to get me delicacy and asked for Utah recommendations he is going there this weekend. I replied with my tips and he didn't text back, I was feeling pretty sad Thursday about his ghosting. He texted Friday morning saying he is taking off let's catchup next weekend, I haven't reply yet.

 

I really like this guy, him and I have the same weirdness. He was my trial date after a 4 months dating hiatus, within the first 30 min I told him I don't kiss on first date, don't date on weekend at early stage, life is super busy, travel a lot and want a partner who is okay with me traveling without him (talk about red flags haha). Turned out he is also big in sole traveling and we share many atypical interests. He is in between jobs I totally understand his focus on travel and job search, I think we'll be slow dating until he lands a job. So far he has been a real gentleman, we held hand every date and some kisses but he didn't made a move when we were at my place or heavy makeout in general, not sure it's a good or bad thing.

 

Interesting! I agree with you that dating likely won't progress until he lands a job. For guys in general, career needs to be under control first before they can think about a relationship. He seems to be a gentleman postponing the moves or heavy make out. You did say in the beginning that he had traditional values - wants marriage, won't date a divorcee - so here you go, it's a good thing referring to your uncertainty. The fact that he didn't find time to buy you delicacy doesn't show much care, I agree, but he may have been very busy indeed. I'd task him with something else to do for me at the first opportunity. The more they do things for us, the more invested they become. Atypical interests and quirks is a very good foundation. I don't know, you seem very much together, maybe help him find a job? It is so good to have someone to look at our CV or covering letters, have some good suggestions or angles we could be pursuing, and it is very bonding.

[Broomwood]

Chalk it up to experience. Sometimes people are amazing but we just can't feel the connection and reciprocate. It's better to end things soon than to drag it along.

 

Thanks Annia, your avatar sounds Russian. Are you?

[Broomwood]

I am quite puzzled with the way my relationship with this guy has unfolded, and I've been feeling sad the past couple of days. Can someone help me understand what forces were at work here.

 

On one hand, it felt like I was falling in love with him, and then on and off the feeling of being in love, and so connected. This is say 40% of occasions. On the other 60% of occasions I didn't feel anything at all, no connection whatsoever. In fact it either felt lonely or cold, or I felt insecure. I didn't feel adored or cherished or safe. I didn't feel beautiful. The kind of compliments I mostly got from him were referring to my clothing - stylish, good colour etc - or how sexy I was. I think this is what he would have wanted to hear himself since he's quite obsessed with his clothes, and no one ever calls him sexy because he isn't. He also seemed to dwell a bit too much on the fact he is so good-looking. To mention it once is okay, but frequent referral to it just looked insecure or narcissistic. I think it was a bit of a turn off for me. Also the kind of playfulness he often exhibited was so childish. It's okay I suppose in a male friend who is artistic and quite gay, but not okay in a partner, whom I want strong and protective. Perhaps this was another turn off.. And then our encounters were so very mental, the stuff we'd talk about, mostly all left brain. And this is despite the fact that we both were very open with each other, and talked without inhibitions. Most of the time I felt he was in his head too much. Our interactions weren't visceral enough. And then I felt he didn't show enough compassion or empathy, when I told him about something. I suppose that was what killed the chances for strong connection for me..

 

And then I had a very interesting feeling when asking myself if I can friends with him. The answer was always "a distant acquaintance yes, but not a close friend".

 

Oh well, no point speculating, just bizarre that some days I would feel in love and so close to this guy, other days I would feel nothing at all, distant and lonely.

Anyone been in this situation before, and how did it turn out? I'd be very curious. Thanks!

[Batya33]

I think all this is pretty typical when first getting to know someone but in your case you chose to move faster in a number of ways, so your perspective was skewed in a way - because you are treating this as if you two were seriously involved and already knew each other well but in reality, you didn't. So that can cause these feelings of disconnect IMO.