He says he loves me but ...

[NML]

he doesn't know if he loves us.

I've been with my boyfriend 3 years & it's been fantastic. Over the last year we've gotten very close & talked about living together properly (he's pretty much moved in anyway).

Last weekend we had a small argument & I completely overreacted & said some awful things which I didn't mean. I know I really hurt him & what's worse is this came from nowhere.

We spoke the next day & he said he needs some space as I hurt him so much. I honestly have no idea why I reacted so badly & know that doesn't help either of us but we both agreed it was probably due to some stress in my life & when I lost it he was on the receiving end.

I have told him I'll do anything to try & make things right & this week have taken steps to reduce the stress at work which I hope means I don't go crazy like it again.

He's being lovely, calling each day, has been over a couple of evenings so we can talk but says though he knows what I said wasn't me, that he loves me still, it's made him wonder about us.

He thinks in time he'll see me how he did before & even says he hopes we can get back on track to go on holiday this year but he says he can't promise it will be okay.

I wish he could forget about what I said when he acknowledges that he can see why it happened & knows I'm not the psycho girlfriend I appeared to be that night.

Right now I'm giving him the space he's asked for. He's been great given the circumstances & calls to chat & we have plans to meet tmrw to chat some more face to face.

He says there's nothing I can do to make it right as he knows I'm sorry & that I didn't mean what I said. But he says he's struggling to forget it.

I'm trying to keep busy & see friends but right now there's a huge gap in my life & the thought of him not being in it is awful.

I guess I need advice on if there's anything I can do to let him know how much I care or if I simply need to let him have space to think about the good times we had & hopefully realise one night of madness from me isn't enough to ruin that.

Any comments / advice appreciated

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What was the fight about, it's doubtful it came out of nowhere? It sounds like he's riding this out. Without getting to the root of the real problems and dismissing your feelings and this blow up as 'stress', you'll never improve things.

 

It would be best to stop begging and pleading. You apologized. Either he's ok with it or not. At this point he's milking it and stringing you along.

 

Pull way back now and give him space and stop inviting him over, initiating things, etc. Take time to reflect on why you were so upset with him, not begging him to fill your void.

he's pretty much moved in anyway. he said he needs some space as I hurt him so much.He thinks in time he'll see me how he did before & even says he hopes we can get back on track to go on holiday this year but he says he can't promise it will be okay.

[NML]

Thanks for your message.

That's the problem - I don't know where it came from. I wish I did. Things had been so good & I just went crazy out of nowhere & took it out on him. To be honest I think it it hadn't been him it may have been a friend / family member.

He says it scares him that I went like that but I feel the same & not knowing why I did it is so frustrating.

I know I need to give him space & if he really loves me he'll come to me. I can't keep apologising & he kind of other has to accept it or not. I've said its not fair to leave me hanging on like this & he says he's not doing it on purpose. Yet I can't imagine I'd do this to him. If either say it's over or work together to resolve things.

I agree it does feel like he's milking it & punishing me & I worry that even if we get through this he'll throw it in my face in the future which won't be a good relationship.

I won't contact him but if he calls I think I'll have brief chat (not about us) & leave it there. If he wants to be with me he will

[MissCanuck]

What did you say to him during this fight, OP?

 

What was the fight about?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like in his mind, he's done and just riding it out for fwb. You keep blaming yourself and denying the real reasons you were mad at him. Without acknowledging what you were mad at him about, nothing will be resolved.

I agree it does feel like he's milking it & punishing me & I worry that even if we get through this he'll throw it in my face in the future which won't be a good relationship.

[NML]

I don't know what I said. I was out with girlfriends & had too much to drink. I text him as knew he was out (with a male friend of ours) & when he didn't reply I lost it. I was so drunk & managed to delete texts I sent but know I was mad so believe they were really bad & hurtful.

The friend he was with is an old friend of mine who I knew long before we got together so there was no reason for me to go mad just because he didn't reply straight away.

He won't tell me what I said but I know I was awful & he says it 'flipped a switch in him' that I could over react over something so silly.

It's no excuse but I started on pain meds & think they reacted with drink to make name crazy. So stupid I know.

So he says he knows I didn't mean it & I have already been to Dr to say I can't take them as feel I have no control.

I know it may appear there must be deep rooted issues but we've discussed this during this awful week & neither of us can think of anything. I think it makes it worse that I lose it out of nowhere & can't pinpoint why.

I do think there's still hope as he's still talking to me (& he calls me not other way round) & we've exchanged texts just chatting about our day. When he's come over its not a booty call & we've talked stuff through.

He says he's not angry with me anymore & he's asked after stuff I've done this week in the way he would before.

So right now he says he just needs to get out of his head the horrible stuff I said as he says I said the things I knew would get to him.

I can't lose hope just yet as we've had such a good year & he says that's what he's thinking about right now.

Thanks for listening. These things are so hard when you guys don't know us so appreciate your comments.

[Iggy5129]

Why won't he show or tell you what you said? Have you done this before?

 

Relationships are not all sunshine. Sometimes you see a bad side of your partner. But you don't keep rubbing it in their face and not telling them what was said. That resolves nothing.

 

Kinda seems like he's looking for an excuse to leave. Or he's just being vindictive which is an ugly side of him. His reaction is more over the top that what you did in my opinion. At least you were on medication and alcohol. What's his excuse?

[journeynow]

It's very concerning that you said awful hurtful things that you " didn't mean" and "came from nowhere" and "[you] don't know what [you] said".

 

Of course we remember hurtful things that our loved ones say to us. They stick in our heads for a long time. It's human.

 

If I were you and serious about fixing this about myself I would address the drinking (getting "so drunk" makes it easy to cross boundaries, so worth looking into; don't dismiss it as not normal for you), and probably seek counseling to see what is going on with me that I have things coming from "nowhere" that damage my important relationship. I'm serious about this. Whether he gets past it or not, you need to figure out yourself better.

[Wiseman2]

This means he's done: "he says it 'flipped a switch in him'". He may forgive, but not forget. So even hanging out or texting doesn't mean that much. Having a clinginess meltdown was the reason, so try not to dismiss that as "i don't know".

 

Pull back and start focusing on the drinking and drug use and get that under control. Start a self improvement plan with no excuses to explain getting drunk and mixing pills. Stop that altogether.

 

If you need help/support, then get that. Don't blame your doctor for your getting drunk. Stop making excuses like that to him and most of all to yourself.

 

Start working out, eating healthy, better stress management, yoga classes, therapy, whatever. Improve your self image. New clothes, haircut, whatever. Work on yourself, not the relationship.

had too much to drink. when he didn't reply I lost it. it's no excuse but I started on pain meds & think they reacted with drink to make name crazy.

[NML]

In reply to last two comments ...

He says it will achieve nothing by showing me what I said. I've asked several times as I said maybe I can then try at least to explain. Sadly I think it was so bad I would have no explanation.

Yes alcohol & meds made me crazy but I didn't drink much & saw my Dr this week. I told her I felt out of control on them & angry & didn't want to take them. She said it can be side effect of them & has taken me off them. I'm now seeing a specialist with view to surgery to fix the problem.

I know my words hurt him & no matter that I didn't know why / what I said the fact is I still did. I hope he can forgive me & realise I acted that way due to meds & though not an excuse for my behaviour is a reason for it at least. I have never acted this way in the past which us why I hope he can forgive me. I wish the Dr had warned me the drug may do this to me or that I had researched it begin taking it. Despite this week being awful since stopping taking them I feel so much better in myself & looking back think I was angry with everything while on them.

So I am trying to work on myself & have taken steps this week to do that. Despite what's going on between us he's been asking about all of this & this gives me hope he can see I am serious about sorting it out.

When we spoke last night he said looking back I seemed angry with everyone over last couple of months (since on drug) & thinks I could have done what I did to anyone so not personal to him. Unfortunately though I did & at him & now I have to work to make that right.

I don't think he's looking for an excuse to break up. I think I know him well enough to know if he wanted that he'd make a clean break as he's not manipulative or nasty. I just screwed up big time & only time will tell if he can forgive me.

I've told him I can't live in limbo like this for long & if he can't forgive & be with me then we have to split. He says needs time & he's coming over to remember why he fell in love with me. He said if he didn't love me & want to try to work through this he'd have left me immediately. Strangely last night we were able to laugh about things & joke again & the tension between us has lessened, so I can't give up hope just yet.

Thanks for listening

[Wiseman2]

By law, the pharmacy has to not only affix a label but include written info with any prescription meds, usually the do not take with alcohol one is large in a bright color, you can't miss it.

 

Don't play him for the fool it adds insult to injury.. The longer you use that excuse for your behavior now blaming the doctor, the pharmacy, the drinking, etc the longer his "switch" will stay off. You are blaming everything but your own impatience and temper.

 

Agree seeing the text exchange is pointless since you know very well the gist of it and why it was sent. Now pull back and address taking better care of yourself. The lame excuses would "turn off my switch" as much as the pissy drama.

[NML]

I'm in UK so no huge warning on the pharmacy label but I should have read instructions.

I'm not making excuses for my behaviour just trying to work out why I lost it that's all as its out of character for me & I've never done this in the past either with him or with anyone else.

It makes no sense for me to have acted like I did. I wasn't annoyed / upset with him before. We'd had no problems. I trust him. So believe me I am beating myself up about why I was such a .

I have never lost temper / been inpatient like that with him before & don't know why I did. Luckily he realises it's not the way I have ever been in the past.

I've told him there's no excuse for my behaviour & I'm sorry.

There is nothing more I can do right now.

It is up to him to decide what he wants.

In the meantime I have been to the gym today & met a friend for coffee. Small steps but it's a start at least.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Exactly. You've done all you can you can't beat yourself up for it.

I've told him there's no excuse for my behaviour & I'm sorry.

There is nothing more I can do right now.

It is up to him to decide what he wants.

In the meantime I have been to the gym today & met a friend for coffee. Small steps but it's a start at least.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, but it seems very odd to me that he refuses to show you or tell you what you actually said to him.

 

I don't agree it's pointless for him to fill in the blanks. You're trying to solve a problem without having all the information, in my opinion. If my partner had flipped and behaved entirely out of character and hurt me to the point that I was considering ending it, I'd be darn sure he knew exactly what it was he is capable of by showing him the exchange.

 

Something doesn't smell right about this, OP.

[NML]

Thanks Wiseman.

I realise I must come across as pretty crazy but it was a one off. I've never acted like thus before. My boyfriend is hurt & angry but I am just as angry at myself.

He did say he needs to know it won't happen again & I know words mean nothing to show that. I need to show him. So step one was coming off the drug & seeing a surgeon to try & help myself.

My job has been pretty stressful & I've spoken to my boss. It's good she's aware (& that I'm not the only one struggling) & since speaking to her I feel less stressed.

Going to the gym always makes me feel better somehow & I need to get back in the routine of going regularly.

I've made plans to see a friend tomorrow & as they're going through divorce my problems seem small & I hope I can offer support to them even if just to listen.

Thanks for listening, it's been helpful to have someone say it as it is. As I'm sure you can imagine girlfriends don't always do that for risk of upsetting you so it's been good to have advice from male perspective.

I'm cautiously optimistic about the future. I know he cares / loves me but I have a lot of work to do to show him I will never act like it again. He said its more shocking as so out of character & I completely understand how he must be terrified I'll do it again. No-one deserves to be on the receiving end of that.

I need to make sure I take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. Sadly if it hadn't been him then my anger may have been directed at someone else.

[NML]

MissCanuk,

Sorry I didn't see your reply.

I have a good idea of what I may have said from what he has told me. I know it was worse than just having a go at him & sure I accused him of cheating / using me as I know he'd hate that. He's never given me any reason to think that of him.

I remember feeling angry & texting him just not what I said but it was bad .. I woke up the next day thinking oh my god what have I done.

I'll ask him once more to tell me / show me but I don't know if he will. I do know my two good friends I was with said they'd never seen me so upset / angry which leads me to think it was as bad as he says.

The problem is no matter what I said I didn't mean it & I cannot justify it.

Thanks for the advice & for listening

[Quidam]

Don't take this the wrong way but you come across high maintenance and pretty unhealthy.

 

I went into something similar (from the guy perspective) and sometimes too much is just too much and you feel the other is just not worth the chaos.

 

My advice focus on what you can. Improve on yourself and become a better version of yourself. No matter the outcome you will grow out of this misfortune and any effort you put into trying to fix "us" and "him" is pointless.

 

Maybe he will get over it maybe not ... you have no control over him on the other hand taking action and working on urself is a win/win, no contact and let him breath

[catfeeder]

I think you're handling this well. While I'd assume that the drug interaction contributed to this, if I ever had this kind of blackout of my memory, I probably wouldn't drink again.

 

If you ever do decide to have a glass, I would hand over my car keys up front to whomever I'm with along with fair warning about your episode. The problem is, you can't be sure of your own self control in such an instance--and you can't know in advance how your body will react to alcohol going forward.

[NML]

Thanks for the new messages.

He came over briefly yesterday & we chatted about anything but us & it was fine. He still has keys to my place & stuff here.

He said he needs space to think & will call this week but can't see me for a bit. I said I understand.

Then as he was leaving he said he'd come over next weekend to do couple of jobs around house for me (that he'd promised to do for ages). I said no need. He said he wants to so said to just let me know when he'll be over & that I appreciate it. Then he says he may pop round in week .. but may just call. I've left that up to him to decide.

He says he thinks all will be okay but needs some distance to think stuff through & so I'm giving him that.

 

Yes I agree the blackout has scared me. I've never drunk & forgotten stuff so I presume it was mixing with meds but I won't be having drink for a very long time & if I do I will be extremely cautious.

[NML]

Just an update ...

 

Had long & confusing call with him today (he called me).

 

He was just calling for a chat but I stupidly asked about us & what he was thinking.

 

He said he needs space, he wants us to work, but doesn't know if we will as feels differently after my monumental screw up last weekend. I said to please be honest with me and say if he wanted to end it.

He said no & calling as he loves & misses me.

 

He said if he has some space he hopes he'll start feeling the same way about me again as he wants back what we had & still wants what we planned. He said he has to get those feelings back.

 

He's coming over Saturday to do jobs round my house still & said by then it may be ok. Or he may want a little more time.

I've said no matter what I did please don't string me along & if no chance we need to end it now. He promised if no chance he'd have ended it already & when we've chatted normally without mention of us he starts feeling stuff but as soon as I question him he feels put on the spot.

 

I feel so confused right now. I know he's not out cheating & believe he just needs time to think & hopefully realise we can make things work.

 

I've said I won't contact him & no need to call me to check in & will see him Saturday. He said this may be all the time he needs ....

 

Am I kidding myself? He's not a cruel person & reminded me that if he felt nothing he wouldn't call me & would have ended things.

 

I feel in limbo & though I caused this do feel there has to be a limit on how long this lasts.

 

I am trying to keep busy through this but feeling very down tonight & missing him like crazy.

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

[journeynow]

You also get to decide if you're up to being left dangling. You ARE in limbo.

 

Do you want to go no contact while he decides to give it a go or not?

 

Do you want to pursue counseling, with him or without him?

 

Do you want to break up and put this behind you?

[NML]

Hi journey.

Thanks for the quick reply.

No I don't want no contact but it's only until Saturday & I feel I owe him that as I caused this situation not him. If it gives him time he needs to think then I do think I need to give him that.

I would be open to counselling - alone or together - I don't know how open he'd be to it. Although he says he wants it to work I said sometimes in a long term relationship you have to put the work in to make that happen. At least if you try & it doesn't you have closure of sorts.

And no I don't want to break up. We've been together a while now (3 years) & had a fantastic last year. But I do admit I have concerns that any argument in future (if we stay together) & he'll pull away again. However I've had a lot of the to think & apart from this is been so good so I don't want to throw it away unless I know it can't work. I hope that makes sense.

[NML]

I met a couple of friends last night & really did me good to take my mind off things a little.

However today I'm not at work & though I have a lot of jobs to get done my mind is working overtime trying to work out what he's thinking.

He's over in the morning to help me put furniture together & I won't ask about us & am determined to be positive & the person he fell in love with.

It's so hard thinking this time two weeks ago we were happy & planning a future together.

I know he has feelings still & the fact he offered to come over to help out without any prompt from me gives me hope we can work things out.

My friends last night said they think he just needs some space & they don't believe he'll call time on our relationship as he still checks in & why on earth come over tmrw at his suggestion to help me out if no hope.

Tough times but at least I have plans for dinner with girlfriends tomorrow evening which means I have that to look forward to.