Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Dear all, this is a very long story but I'll try and stick close to the key points, and this is not an attempt to dishonor or humiliate my partner who I do love very much. I'm trying to get some honest opions because I have people on my life telling me different things and it's difficult to see what the answer is. I've been with my partner now for nearly four years, in the beginning she was and loving and kind person and still is, but has had a difficult time with her ex husband suffering from abuse, physical and sexual. She also has three who I've cared for, two older one one young who I consider to be my daughter and she sees me as her dad. In the beginning i lived separately in my own apartment while we dated, everything seemed fine. One Christmas I stayed at my parents house for an extra night by myself because it was a hurricane outside, and all the power was down. I was supposed to go drive about an hour to see Lisa but it seemed like a bad idea in the weather. The next day I saw her and she freaked out saying I'd betrayed her and I'd hurt her and let her down etc. But I new this wasn't the case. So I broke up with her that night. I met up with her again because I was new in town and I wanted a friend, but she wanted more than this and I did like her very much so we got back together, it was shortly after she told me about the abuse she suffered by her partner and the way she acted and I felt very sorry for her. I moved in with her and her kids after allot of persuasion and begging, we'd only been going out 6 months and it seemed like allot but I did it. Then shortly whenever I arranged to go overnight somewhere to my parents or see friends she would lose it, saying I'd betrayed her, that I was wrong for wanting to go away and leave her. She would stay up crying all night for days or weeks on end trying to convince me that what I did was wrong. I'm pretty stubborn so eventually I get her to admit this is not normal behaviour and she needs help but only after she spends allot of energy trying to convince me I'm doing something awful. It usually ends in her admitting she needs help and promising to do so. It's been about three years now and still the same thing. I feel sorry for her because it is not her fault, I haven't spent a night away from her for over two years. We had been trying for a baby during that time and she has had three miss carriages from stress. She is pregnant again now and things are going well but I'm not sure how much more I can take in our relationship. All my friends and family are telling me she's crazy and a control freak, I think she just needs to get help but often I feel the same way. I'm reluctant to leave her and the kids particularly the youngest but we are arguing all the time and it's not getting better. I just need a break from her. She comes into my work hysterical, she calls and texts me all the time. I feel trapped Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 She needs to go for treatment she can't continually rely on you for her way to be at peace and comfort. Having PTSD is very difficult ( I have PTSD myself ) but it is treatable . What she's going through is probably severe anxiety . We experience extreme anxiety if anything changes . But that doesn't mean that you should not be able to go and spend time with anybody else . PTSD is extremely hard on everybody . The person with it, their partner ,their children their friends etc. I would appeal to her to get help for herself in that it will help herself and her children . And you are right you should not be glued to her side because she is terrified of things being different . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Are you prepared to fight for custody should she continue to exhibit symptoms without seeking the treatment necessary to effectively and safely parent? Is the diagnosed PTSD? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 Thank you, she is seeing someone but regularly cancels. How have you been dealing with your PTSD? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 She is a good mum, very good so it wouldn't come to that. She would be reasonable and let me have as much access as I want. It just our relationship that suffers because of all the pressure she's put me under and her anxiety is always aimed at me. We try and keep it away from the kids but because they have had an abusive father I'm sure in their eyes it looks like I'm a villain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Unfortunately she sounds too damaged to have a healthy relationship. Besides her intense abandonment issues what are the breakups and arguments about? She is using her past to entrap and control you. Does she work? Does she get child support from the father?I've been with my partner now for nearly four years. She also has three who I've cared for, two older one one young who I consider to be my daughter and she sees me as her dad.I moved in with her and her kids. She is pregnant again now and I'm not sure how much more I can take in our relationship. we are arguing all the time and it's not getting better.She comes into my work hysterical, she calls and texts me all the time. I feel trapped Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 The arguments are mostly about me wanting to do something with my friends or family where it involves an overnight stay and she isn't invited. Doesn't happen that often, but all my friends, family live a long way away. All her friends and family are local, do she can still see them and be home at night. It's also small things like I need people to come to the house sometimes for my business and she doesn't want strangers in the house.. though builders, plumbers etc. Seem to be fine. She works, earns more than me in fact and you may think I'm making this up but her job is actually a psychologist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Sorry that's scary. But keep in mind it may give her the skills to manipulate her like this. Move out. It's her house.her job is actually a psychologist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 She is a good mum, very good so it wouldn't come to that. She would be reasonable and let me have as much access as I want. It just our relationship that suffers because of all the pressure she's put me under and her anxiety is always aimed at me. We try and keep it away from the kids but because they have had an abusive father I'm sure in their eyes it looks like I'm a villain.Oh, OK. Good to know there's no chance she'd find an outlet in the kids in your absence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 It's difficult, I have lots of people telling me she's manipulative and controlling. I think she is but not on purpose, it's like an illness. But the resuits are the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 It's difficult, I have lots of people telling me she's manipulative and controlling. I think she is but not on purpose, it's like an illness. But the resuits are the same. Exactly. But still the controlling can't be allowed . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 How do you deal with PTSD seraphim? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 How do you deal with PTSD seraphim? I have had a lot of therapy including EMDR. I still have anxiety to some degree but then to go into CBT mode and start asking myself if this is a realistic fear or not and if it is not got into anxiety coping methods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salty Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Let her be angry. The thing with insecurity is a lot of the time you end up feeding the unhealthy emotion by engaging with the person when they are having an episode. Sometimes I feel insecure about something or another and I get upset with my fiance so I'll try to pick a fight with him because I want reassurance about some silly grievance my mind is wrapped around at the moment, but deep down inside I know in my heart I'm being a salty b**** and I just need time to let the anger simmer down. When he gets mad at me about something, I'll give him space, sometimes I'll laugh at him and say something like "too bad you love me still eh, despite the fact that you want me dead right now?" And I'll see him fight away a smile and then eventually we move on and forget all about it. Go see your friends, if she gets upset tell her you find her much more beautiful when she's happy and she has nothing to worry about but you miss your family and that's it. End it at that, don't engage in any attacks, just give her a wide berth while still being a respectable and good father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 Thanks Seraphim, and salty that would be good advice under normal circumstances but if I give her space ie. Go see friends etc. She's crying and having a panic attack for days. And it doesn't go away in any normal sense. If I just say, when she's freaking out I'm just going to go out for an hour she's throws herself in front of the door sometimes hurting herself and me and won't let me leave. She's convinced that I'm never coming back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Thanks Seraphim, and salty that would be good advice under normal circumstances but if I give her space ie. Go see friends etc. She's crying and having a panic attack for days. And it doesn't go away in any normal sense. If I just say, when she's freaking out I'm just going to go out for an hour she's throws herself in front of the door sometimes hurting herself and me and won't let me leave. She's convinced that I'm never coming back. Then she needs some form of psychiatric care despite being a psychiatrist . She has to realize that this is not normal behaviour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 I know, she has been seeing someone over the past few weeks, I hope it helps. I don't want to separate especially seen as she is pregnant on top of everything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 I'm glad she is seeing someone . PTSD takes a long time to treat but hopefully there is improvement soon . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salty Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Good luck, be patient with her treatment but also take care of yourself and try not to loose yourself to her illness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salty Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 If your son or daughter was going through this same scenario with their partner what would you have them do? Follow the advice you would give them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You realize this is abusive, right? Stop the kid glove treatment. Read up on domestic violence. It happens to men too.I just say, when she's freaking out I'm just going to go out for an hour she's throws herself in front of the door sometimes hurting herself and me and won't let me leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salty Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You realize this is abusive, right? Stop the kid glove treatment. Read up on domestic violence. It happens to men too. It really is. I advised he consider the advice he'd give his children if they were in his shoes as a way for him to realize that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdofhermes Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 It really is. I advised he consider the advice he'd give his children if they were in his shoes as a way for him to realize that. That's why I'm thinking about breaking up, but it's a big decision and I think under the circumstances it's worth seeing if she can make progress, but I don't think I can manage another few years of this so we'll see. Thanks for advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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