Right or Wrong?

[temperamental_taurus]

yup, we're at it again, this time over something minor, or at least I feel it is... I could use some input. My boyfriend and I are having relationship issues, and if you've been following my previous posts, you'll know why. Well, Easter weekend was a bad one, I broke up with him, but he then swore that as long as we're together he won't drink so I took him back - hopeful, once again that he'd conquer this illness... I think he made it 2 days... ANYWAYS - an ex-boyfriend got in touch with me on Monday, he called my work... pretty much told me he has never found anyone as fun as me, and pretty much wanted me to stay overnight with him in a Presidential suite. I said no, that I'm happy being "married" (we're not married - just a silly term we use for a ltr) He called me on my cell, yeah I told him to so I could take the phone call on my break. I then was honest with my "boyfriend" and let him know that yes, I had talked with so and so, but that I let him know I was still in a relationship and no, I wasn't going to meet up with him. Well, now my "boyfriend" I use this term loosely, is pissed. Saying that he needs to "think about my character" and if he wants to be with a cheater like ME!!! A cheater like me??!!! Ugh, whatever! Yes, I talked with an ex on the phone for about 20 minutes, mainly just catching up after I told him I wasn't available. I explained to my boyfriend that if I WASN"T honest with him THAT would be omission and thus, I couldn't be trusted - but that I WAS honest with him, told him I loved him about the call and that opportunities will always present themselves in life but what we do with those temptations that defines a person's character. I did not take my ex up on his offer, I told him I was still in the relationship AND told my boyfriend about it - that was it!!!! I can understand why he'd be UPSET that my ex-boyfriend wants me back, but not that he'd be pissed enough at ME to want to "think about whether or not he wants to be with someone like me". Am I wrong??? Was I wrong??? Am I THAT awful because I spoke with an ex on the phone??? Please tell me...

[melrich]

I have to admit I haven't fully read all your previous posts, just glanced through a couple. You seem to have been through a lot of angst with this guy.

 

Your immediate question, did you do anything wrong, no I don't think you have at all. I am having difficulty understanding what he could possibly be mad about? I wouldn't beat yourself up over that.

 

But I have to ask why you are sticking with this guy. He seems to let you down constantly and he doesn't seem to have too many redeeming features.

[temperamental_taurus]

Lord, I don't know - because when he is sober I get a glimpse of the man I feel in love with - hanging on to the hope that he will remain that way, praying with everything I have that THIS TIME he'll be different. He's making me feel like I CHEATED on him, when I know I didn't, I was upfront and honest with BOTH OF THEM... and now he's questioning MY loyality - when all I've ever done is stick by him and forgive him... I just don't understand what I'm doing WRONG!!!

[melrich]

Well you are not doing anything wrong, you are just being made to feel that you are.

 

You know when you say you get a glimpse of the man he can be when he is sober, that is really a funny way of looking at it. It's abit like ignoring someone's bad points and judging them only on their good qualities, "he's a great guy but for the fact that violently bludgeons strangers in the street occasionally".

 

The fact is his drinking is a part of his character. Sure he can give it up and reform but that will change other aspects of him and from what you say he seems to have little desire or intention of giving it away.

[temperamental_taurus]

I just don't know what to do anymore, I love him....

[melrich]

So how much does he love you? Leave him. Tell him you want to be with him but not while he is drinking. Tell him you want 6 months break and in that time you want him to quit the drink and get into a program. Set some goals for him. See how he responds.

 

Otherwise you are committing yourself to life with an alcholic and all that entails.

[temperamental_taurus]

It's hard but I hear you. I wish there was an easy way out of this.

[DragonGirl724]

whoa whoa whoa!

 

ok first of all dont do anything out of the blue, desperate & drastic. basically, dont go to see your ex bf. tell him that maybe you guys can get lunch some time in the future or something but nows just simply NOT the time. (you dont have to explain it to him any further than that). and as for your "boyfriend" it SOUNDS like to ME, that hes doing this for a power trip...its possible he felt he had to work for the 2nd chance & now that YOU "introduced" a problem or situation that needs to be addressed, instead of HIM, now HE wants to play "tough guy" & call the shots. tell him to grow up & to get a life! you didnt do anything wrong! and if i were you id take some time away from him. re-evaluate what you want in a mate. but also dont jump at the chance with "Mr. Blast From the Past" either b/c you already have enough on your plate to work with.

 

goodluck.

 

-DG724

[justsweetgirl]

Exes are called exes for a reason. What you did may seem okay to you, but your bf feels disrespected. Now that you know how he feels, you can choose to continue talking with your ex (whether it's a 20-minute conversation or a two-minute one is not the point), knowing your bf will be hurt, or you can choose to have no contact. It all comes down to how important your ex is in your life. Is the connection worth the disruption to your relationship? Only you can decide. I think letting your bf know you talked to your ex is better than hiding it. But in your bf's mind, not talking is preferable.

[Cecelius]

Your current b/f has latched onto this perceived truth:

 

an ex does not call up with a sexual proposition (staying at the presidential suite [or the motel 6]) unless he's been encouraged to.

 

Another version of this analysis would be in your b/f's head: "Ok, the ex is a jerk and made a completely inappropriate call to her. What did SHE do AFTER that? She talked to him, caught up with him, didn't tell him to go pound sand and that she won't talk to him if he's going to act that way..."

 

Depending on how secure your b/f is, he either thinks (1) you somehow encouraged your ex to make this proposition (you gave him your cell or told him to call you) or (2) you weren't offended about it (ie, you "caught up" with the ex for the rest of the call, you didn't tell the ex to get lost, etc.)

 

I think you were straight up with both (keep in mind that the current b/f is entitled to better, not equal treatment). I also think the ex was WAY out of line and your b/f, secure or not, is entitled to know that you won't tolerate that kind of nonsense from the ex.

 

Also keep in mind that you're not sure you like the dude enough to keep him around. The b/f knows that.