Heartbroken and lost....please help

[johnnyt23]

I know this isn't the best avenue for venting about my pain, but it's one of the last places I can turn to for help. I know this might get long, so I appologize in advance. I'm 23 male to give you some info about me.

 

December of 2003 I met the girl of my dreams. She was every thing I've always wanted and we both fell in love immediately. Within months she talked about marriage, getting a place together and so on. We spent a ton of time together. I felt very strongly that she was the one. We dated until October and then she went away to grad school in the fall (long distance). We broke up not because of distance but rather that she was dating someone else the entire time we were together. In fact she was with him 6 months before she even met me. (They were doing long distance when we met)

 

Obviously we broke up and didn't talk for a month or so. Then she started calling, sending emails, cards and so on professing her love and appologies to me. I knew I had to have my guard up and I took things slow. We didn't get back together but things slowly started to go back into the old routine. Since she was still in school, we didn't see much of one another. It stayed this way throughout the winter. I was dating other girls and what not, but my heart wasn't willing to care about any one else but her.

 

Then two weeks ago she came to visit me. She told me she wasn't with the other guy hadn't been for months. The fact that I love her so much and was basically willing to do whatever it took to make it work, I listened. She said all the right things and conviced me she do any thing to make it work. After that weekend, she wrote me a long letter, ensuring that I knew she was for real this time.

 

Well, Monday I got a call from the other guy. Some thing I wish I got months ago. Talk about drama. He said I need to know they never broke up and that she has been lieing to me since day 1. He only found out about me because he saw some e-mails we sent one another. It was good to find out the truth about a lot of things and vice versa. So basically this girl was with both of us for the past 18 months. Crazy how she actually pulled it off.

 

She of course called me later that day and appologized and the like. She said I need to work all this out, but I still want you to be the one I want to marry. I love her like crazy but I just cannot trust her the way I should. I don't think it is ever possible.

 

I have never loved someone so much in my life, yet I'm in denial that she actually did this to me. I keep telling myself I have to move on and cut her off, but a part of me does not want to give her up. I just cannot imagine a life without her in it. Also, its tough to swallow that her and this other guy might work it out. I don't want her to end up with him, when i still want here her with me.

 

The past few days have been a mess. No sleep, appetite, energy, enthusiasm or any thing. Moreover, this great weather doesn't even cheer me up. I know on paper it's obvious what to do, but I just can't seem to do it. All I am asking is if you have ever been through some thing like this (ha I doubt), please talk to me. I need to know how to deal with this and how am I going to get through it.

 

Thank you so much for listening and please send your advice

[DN]

You need to go no contact with this girl - she is toxic. Not only is she confused about what she wants but he is a liar and a cheat. Who needs that. If you can just understand that you fell in love with someone who doesn't really exist, someone who projected a false persona, it may help.

 

The really tough times you are going through will slowly get better. You will probably always have a slight ache but a lot of that will be because she betrayed you.

 

Do not contact her and tell her not to contact you. That is the absolute best way for you to heal.

[melrich]

I'm not sure I quite get this. She was with both of you but now has broken up with the other guy and wants to be with you?

 

Look I reckon it's one of those things you might take a chance on. We don't know the reasons she was with both of you. It may be she just got caught in a situation she did not know how to get out of and it may be completely out of character.

 

You sound like you are pretty hooked on her so maybe its worth a crack for a few months, see how things go. You'd definitely want to be on your guard though and probably be prepared for the worst rather than the best. Only you can really say whether you can live with her past behaviour and whether the rewards may possibly outweigh he risks.

[lost_puppy]

You need to go no contact with this girl - she is toxic.

Yes! She's toxic! She sounds like she can't make up her mind, and I'm afraid that her behaviour may be habitual and this situation will repeat itself when the two of you are "together". It's too bad you feel so strongly about her, but I agree with DN that you should stop communicating with her, gat over your pain, and wait for a better, more faithful woman to come into your life.

[justsweetgirl]

As soon as you described her as the girl of your dreams and then went on to say she already had a bf, you lost me. Stop settling for someone emotionally unattainable - and unstable. Please demand more for yourself as a person.

[heloladies21]

I don't know what you're looking for my man. You see the writing on the wall, but just can't take it to heart. There's nothing anyone can tell you here which is gonna make you strong enough to stand up for yourself. This is something that will just happen on its own when you finally get fed up with her and her lies.