bbogdanov Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Yes, I know you CAN'T make somebody love you, I know it is STUPID, yet I am desperate (maybe that's the key here) and confused as my ex left me two months ago and I still can't accept it. I didn't show her enough appreciation, I was not romantic enough, I was maybe somehow cold at times, there were fights between us etc. so she became not happy and lost her feelings towards me (we were together for 3.5 years). How is it that somebody can KILL the love for his partner towards himself but not GET it back?? I know the things don't work this way but I really am like a child wanting his candy and don't want to accept that love is not something you can "get" the way you get other things, especially after I have been loved for so much time - I would be willing to accept if this was unrequited love, but the fact that this girl gave her heart to me for several years and now she's completely different person (indifferent to me) just torments me. Honestly, I know NOTHING about love, this is my first serious relationship (I'm 29, yeah, what a loser) as the previous two that I had were for 4 months and 1 year respectively. So I am selfish, egoistic, refusing to acknowledge what's happened and what's more important - I feel TERRIBLE about myself as I was the one who put out the flame between us and I just can't forgive myself. I feel like I could accept things if she just SOMEHOW lost her feelings (is it possible?) but as I was the reason for it to happen - I hate myself now! Just don't know how can somebody "forcibly" repel a person who loves him honestly and kill the love towards himself I must have been utterly stupid! Any ADVICES would be appreciated!!! Link to comment
gebaird Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 You clearly feel some guilt and shame about the way you behaved -- but surely this wasn't 100% your fault? I think you are asking the wrong questions. Instead of "How can I get her back?" perhaps the following would help you get out of this mental loop you are stuck in: What can I learn from this? How can I take these lessons into my next relationship? How can I forgive myself? What does healing look like? How can I learn to accept my circumstances? Link to comment
J Miracle Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 You ruined it man, but Your not a loser. You made mistakes. Take this is a lesson, and don't take your next woman for granted. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 i would ask myself what is to be gained from insisting on something that's neither balanced nor possible. from there on, gebaird's outline is as succinct and appropriate as it gets. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Playing a constant game of coulda shoulda woulda with yourself is a form of self-torture. Please try to stop with the "if only I had said this, if only I had done that" thinking because you really don't know that it would have mattered. Unless you were abusive or murdered her whole family or something then it's nonsensical for you to blame yourself entirely for the breakup. Put your mental energy instead into healing now and moving forward. I know it's very, very hard but it's the only thing left to do. Link to comment
Blue Dreamer Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 confused as my ex left me two months ago and I still can't accept it. Why exactly did she break up with you? Did she tell you how she felt when she broke? If you don't know, first to do is exhaust all options of understanding so that you are clear as possible in that realm and there is no confusion on your part. Last thing you need to be doing is overthinking aspects which may have never been an issue. You need to get in contact with your ex, buy her a nice dinner and get her perspective on the break up. If you don't, you will continue killing yourself slowly because you "don't know". Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 B, i wanted to add...seems you've been posting frantically about this lately, you sound really really distressed. i will suggest that you do what at the moment feels counter-intuitive. get off the computer sweety. go to sleep. go weed the back yard after that, go to work, back to sleep. go have lunch some place two hours drive away. just to create this new, but lowkey bother for yourself, because you can't decathect from your current fixation if you don't force yourself to hook on something else, even if it's mundane. for a few days in a row. you won't get out of this flawed brain circuit until you deprive yourself the obvious options to keep it going. your brain needs a break from this fixation if it's to look at it anew from a more helpful perspective. we won't be going anywhere in the meantime. Link to comment
Katarina789 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 It's going to be hard but you have to start looking ahead instead of looking behind. It seems as though you understand what it is that went wrong, on your side of things, so use this to learn and grow. It might not seem like you'll be able to move on but in time you will. Link to comment
bbogdanov Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 Yes, I definitely feel guilty and ashamed of myself and I know It's not 100% my fault (it usually isn't) but that does not calm me down I have asked myself some questions and really want to NOT repeat the same mistakes in my next relationship (at the moment I don't even believe there will be such one) as I really took her for granted and did not show her the love she needed. Unfortunately there is no confusion on my part, as she is an honest person and have told me that she no longer felt the same way and her feelings were diminished. I KNOW it is self-torture to play this "game" of what could/should I have done but I just cannot forgive myself for these things (at least for now) as like I said - she loved me wholeheartedly and needed nothing more that love, time spent together, showing tenderness and appreciation (she is not the type of girl that wants money, gifts, etc. she is not a cheater, she is a very modest girl). While I was somehow detached, always searching for the "convenience" in every situation (want to feel comfortable), not being much interested etc. Basically - self-centred jerk. I just threw away a "jewel" I found and that torments me. I AM distressed, RainyCoast The last two months have been an emotional roller coaster for me, I feel like living in hell. There are some "good" days for me, but then again the pain strikes back and I drown in misery. I just want her love back, as stupid and impossible as it sounds but that's just a dream now, UNHEALTHY dream... Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 I think you should see a therapist maybe, because the words being proffered here are not sinking in. Online forums can't fix everything. Link to comment
bbogdanov Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 I am seeing a therapist yet I am very stubborn to accept the reality I guess it will take some time... Link to comment
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