Please Help. Feeling so confused.

[Lester]

More tips:

- A healthy marriage is not a 50/50 marriage as pop culture would have you think. (Remember, pop C is only about getting what I want now.)

Genuine love and marriage ebb and flow. To get a good idea of how this works, go to a park and watch the interaction of kids on a teeter-totter.

 

- Never tell her about this forum.

- Don't use a computer she can access.

 

Secretly buy new, in style underwear. (I know..., sounds weird to you, but soon you will understand.)

[thehubby]

Hi Lester,

 

Not sure I understand the last comments about ebb and flow and secretly buying new underwear?!

[Lester]

Before I go any further; marriages fail, I'm not God or a miracle worker.

My job here is to counter PopC's/mass media dispersed broken-wing rashness and commercialized remedies that strip hope from confused spouses. (Especially husbands)

 

That said:

PopC will tell you to sit, as you are, and force your marriage back to what you/they think it used to be; a safe place where you can relax.

Unfortunately, it's not natural, dilutes all the fun out of the union, and is failing all around you.

 

Instead of following this forever failing routine, reset your mind to when you were wooing her.

Did stop trying to improve yourself when a girl came along who seemed out of reach to you?

 

No, you changed and improved each day.

The underwear, clothing, teeth, hair, glasses, the way you talk, drive, walk, etc., and even the way you think all need to be reset.

 

You must climb out of doldrums rut, and each day, start to become a more 'dateable' man.

These simple actions, done in secret, will not go unnoticed by her.

 

That's the first step in saving a dying marriage.

To slow her movement enough away from you, where she stops and thinks..., "what's going on here, he's not chasing, but changing."

 

Real change will lead you back to real marriage.

Real marriage in not static but constantly changing. (The up/down, ebb/flow)

 

That's the fun of it!

 

 

Ps, as I said, your case seems different. You may have just married too young and it can't be fixed. (That is she won't let it happen)

[thehubby]

Before I go any further; marriages fail, I'm not God or a miracle worker.

My job here is to counter PopC's/mass media dispersed broken-wing rashness and commercialized remedies that strip hope from confused spouses. (Especially husbands)

 

That said:

PopC will tell you to sit, as you are, and force your marriage back to what you/they think it used to be; a safe place where you can relax.

Unfortunately, it's not natural, dilutes all the fun out of the union, and is failing all around you.

 

Instead of following this forever failing routine, reset your mind to when you were wooing her.

Did stop trying to improve yourself when a girl came along who seemed out of reach to you?

 

No, you changed and improved each day.

The underwear, clothing, teeth, hair, glasses, the way you talk, drive, walk, etc., and even the way you think all need to be reset.

 

You must climb out of doldrums rut, and each day, start to become a more 'dateable' man.

These simple actions, done in secret, will not go unnoticed.

 

That's the first step in saving a dying marriage.

To slow her movement enough away from you, where she stops and thinks..., "what's going on here, he's not chasing, but changing."

 

Real change will lead you back to real marriage.

Real marriage in not static but constantly changing. (The up/down, ebb/flow)

 

That's the fun of it!

 

 

Ps, as I said, your case seems different. You may have just married too young and it can't be fixed. (That is she won't let it happen)

 

Hi Lester,

 

Thanks for the above. I have a good job and get on well with my peers and connections within my industry. I dress smartly for business and for myself and my wife when we go out together at weekends. I like to dress well and take pride in my appearance as I want her to be proud that I am her husband and that I am the one holding her hand or being arm in arm with her as we walk along the street in public. We have been told by strangers before that we make such a lovely couple even up to and including last year. So I am always conscious of my appearance and my success with my career for the benefit of myself and my life progress and equally for the benefit of my marriage.

 

I was just thinking last night, going back to the great lunch my wife and I enjoyed last Saturday (before her drinking too much later in the evening rather spoilt it all). My wife said that the waitress was flirting with me. I had given it no thought whatsoever. I said she wasn't and my wife said that I am too sweet and naïve (for the record she also said on "co-worker revelation night" that life is complicated, people are complicated and that I am too sweet and naïve). The second time and third time the waitress came to the table, she touched me on the shoulder both times and we exchanged pleasant conversation, smiles and laughed and joked which even I understand (I am not the best at picking up flirting signs from women as since I got married I don't go looking elsewhere away from my wife so I am way out of practice! I will talk to women obviously and be polite, smile and joke but that's it.) means she definitely was flirting with me. I thought it was strange my wife brought that subject up during lunch. What do you think? It was as if she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her. The rest of the meal we started talking about past relationships before our marriage as from the early days of our relationship we were both completely open and honest about the past before our relationship so as to hold no secrets and we can still discuss that subject even to this day and comfortably, even laughing about some of our previous relationships and experiences! Also going back to the co-worker revelation a couple of weeks ago she said he is not as good looking or even as good a conversationalist as me, she just wanted some attention (which I do give! I do not ignore my wife!). I confided in a friend about the co-worker issue and she actually said if a woman betrays a man through alleged lack of attention from her husband then she is likely to "trade down" to a man that is not as good looking or charismatic and play around with him in order to feel better about herself. I'm not so sure about that. What do you think?

 

The fact is I do not think that I am anything special. I think I am ok looking and am I friendly with everyone I meet and enjoy good company, male and female. I am quite happy go lucky and as long as I have happy people around me and I can see they are enjoying their lives then I am happy too. Which is why I feel so miserable at the moment as I feel so helpless to not be able to help my wife as she will not open up to all her issues. When you have been together for 18 years your gut instincts must be right when you feel you know that there is something troubling her that she is not revealing in addition to the issues that she has been prepared to reveal.

 

I have been playing the cool, tough love stance in the past few days and although it feels unnatural it does seem to be working but my insides are screaming out for a "I want any hidden issues revealed now and let's deal with them head on because life is too short and time is being wasted!" to put us all out of our misery and stay or move on either way. I can honestly say this must be what it feels like to be waiting ages before a decision is made to send somebody down for a long term prison sentence. It's deeply depressing. I am damned if I am going to give up the last happy 18 years of my life (46.15% of my life in total). You never think this is going to happen to you but then it does and this is not the worst thing in the world. My father fought 4 different types of aggressive cancers over a period of 9 years, that is a far bigger challenge than what I am facing, he is and always has been my hero and an inspiration to me.

[Lester]

"...and my wife said that I am too sweet and naïve"

- Why she's not. Your fault.

 

"...she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her."

- Yes, a popC remedy. * But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)

 

"we were both completely open and honest about the past before our relationship so as to hold no secrets"

- Mistake.

 

"to a man that is not as good looking..."

- Something started it! What it is, is for you to find out. The other man is irrelevant! They've been all around you, all your life..., you were just blind.

 

 

When I can, more later. (Yep, wifey has no idea that I'm here.)

 

* Deflection

[thehubby]

"...and my wife said that I am too sweet and naïve"

- Why she's not. Your fault.

 

"...she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her."

- Yes, a popC remedy. * But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)

 

"we were both completely open and honest about the past before our relationship so as to hold no secrets"

- Mistake.

 

"to a man that is not as good looking..."

- Something started it! What it is, is for you to find out. The other man is irrelevant! They've been all around you, all your life..., you were just blind.

 

 

When I can, more later. (Yep, wifey has no idea that I'm here.)

 

* Deflection

 

Thanks Lester. I am fascinated in hearing more about the above when you have time.

[Lester]

"...to put us all out of our misery and stay or move on either way."

- Quick, non-genuine love or marriage thinking. Be careful never saying it to her. She may take you up on it. Remember, she has a helper.

 

Be patient and look for the hidden messages in her words.

 

"My father fought 4 different types of aggressive cancers over a period of 9 years, that is a far bigger challenge than what I am facing,..."

- You're wrong, and if you can't reconcile..., will soon find out why.

[thehubby]

"...to put us all out of our misery and stay or move on either way."

- Quick, non-genuine love or marriage thinking. Be careful never saying it to her. She may take you up on it. Remember, she has a helper.

 

Be patient and look for the hidden messages in her words.

 

"My father fought 4 different types of aggressive cancers over a period of 9 years, that is a far bigger challenge than what I am facing,..."

- You're wrong, and if you can't reconcile..., will soon find out why.

 

Hi Lester,

 

Yes, agreed there is no fast solution, that was just frustrated internal thoughts.

 

Again, probably right with the second second part too, but my father did face a huge challenge that part is correct. Life is much harder if you are not in full health but also after the loss of a partner via either divorce or death.

 

When you have time please could you elaborate on your following earlier points:

 

Quote

 

"...she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her."

- Yes, a popC remedy. * But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)

 

"we were both completely open and honest about the past before our relationship so as to hold no secrets"

- Mistake.

 

Unquote

 

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with Lester. It's great advice to update your image

Not sure I understand the last comments about ebb and flow and secretly buying new underwear?!

 

]

[thehubby]

Agree with Lester. It's great advice to update your image

 

]

 

Thanks Wiseman2, will make that a art of my action plan I am building.

[Lester]

Hi Lester,

 

When you have time please could you elaborate on your following earlier points:

 

Quote

 

"...she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her."

- Yes, a popC remedy. * But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)

 

"we were both completely open and honest about the past before our relationship so as to hold no secrets"

- Mistake.

 

Unquote

 

Thanks.

 

Okay, but can't right now.

 

I've got homework for you.

- It's great/rare, after so many years of marriage you are well dressed. Now change it.

Buy a tee-shirt, sports, gift store or anything you normally wouldn't wear and start wearing it.

 

- Find a park and watch kids/couples on a teeter-totter.

Take mental notes, and think about the chaos of this perfect marriage.

[thehubby]

Hi Lester,

 

Thanks but I also have casual stuff too and I mix it up between smart and casual often so you would not see much of a change in this respect if I went and bought some new stuff.

 

I'm afraid even with innocent intentions for the purpose of comparing the teeter-totter with marriage, watching kids in a park is the kind of thing that would get you arrested in this country as there are a lot of weirdos out there so I'll have to pass on that one. In theory are you trying to say that between the two kids on the teeter-totter that one will dominate the other to a certain extent and that the relationship is not therefore 50/50 or that the control or controller of the relationship switches between the two at various times?

 

Also still intrigued by the following statements:

 

Quote

 

Hi Lester,

 

When you have time please could you elaborate on your following earlier points:

 

Quote

 

"...she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her."

- Yes, a popC remedy. * But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)

 

"we were both completely open and honest about the past before our relationship so as to hold no secrets"

- Mistake.

 

Unquote

 

In the meantime, I'm playing it calm and cool but she has had a massive habit change this week in that she now charges her phone at work instead of at home, never leaves it unattended when I am home and put it under a pillow when she was lying on the couch watching TV last night. From what I have read this is a big alarm bell going off. 😔

[Lester]

"...she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her."

- Yes, a popC remedy. * But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)

 

There are two ways for a wife to end a marriage.

1. Calm your emotions of blame, disrespect, loathing and hatred long enough to make the decision to divorce, then follow through with the action steps of hiring an attorney and having you served.

 

2. Deferment. No decisions or direct action.

Inevitably, her signs/signals of sadness/loneliness are noticed by close friends, (circle of sorrow), and next by a man/woman looking for companionship/sex. The affair starts out innocently and quickly grows in excitement and thrill. (Read Dobson for the rest of the story)

Many, if not most times, no decision/action is made by the wife.

 

She falls into a bizarre world, where she is being victimized but the thrill blinds her.

Not really knowing what's going on, she falls back on weak PopC remedies she learned from years of tv watching.

 

She begins to drag you into the soup opera.

If you cheat, it will justify her cheating.

 

The anger, jealousy and revenge cycle she knows so well, will bring her relief from the turmoil going on in her head. Or so she thinks.

 

 

Back later

[thehubby]

"...she was encouraging me to notice other women besides her."

- Yes, a popC remedy. * But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)

 

There are two ways for a wife to end a marriage.

1. Calm your emotions of blame, disrespect, loathing and hatred long enough to make the decision to divorce, then follow through with the action steps of hiring an attorney and having you served.

 

2. Deferment. No decisions or direct action.

Inevitably, her signs/signals of sadness/loneliness are noticed by close friends, (circle of sorrow), and next by a man/woman looking for companionship/sex. The affair starts out innocently and quickly grows in excitement and thrill. (Read Dobson for the rest of the story)

Many, if not most times, no decision/action is made by the wife.

 

She falls into a bizarre world, where she is being victimized but the thrill blinds her.

Not really knowing what's going on, she falls back on weak PopC remedies she learned from years of tv watching.

 

She begins to drag you into the soup opera.

If you cheat, it will justify her cheating.

 

The anger, jealousy and revenge cycle she knows so well, will bring her relief from the turmoil going on in her head. Or so she thinks.

 

 

Back later

 

Thanks Lester, that is very insightful. She is definitely a number 2. I have seen text messages to the circle of sorrow. She is in contact with them every day at work (as both these two women are her work colleagues/friends) and every evening via social media. She was also out with them for a meal on Thursday night. The next man is also at her workplace lest we forget. 85% of affairs begin in the workplace. I love how a couple of women who she has only been friends with for 2 years think they are better qualified to advise my wife than her husband of 15 when I know for a fact their own love lives are complete Bridget Jones style car crashes (fact as my wife has told me in the past) and they are both in their early 30s around 10 years younger than my wife! I can imagine the conversations within the circle are totally biased as well as in "Oh, you poor wife and what a bad husband he must be, let all us girls go out and get drunk together etc. They are planning a drunken night out next week which is not going to help matters! This entire situation seems very biased and unfair.

 

Went shopping with her in town this morning. Bought some new designer underwear in the men's department whilst she was in the ladies' department on another floor. When we got home she asked me what I had bought and when she found out what it was she said "Are you trying to impress your other woman with those?" to which I jokingly replied "Yes." Just for fun of course. Made her laugh a few times in town today so I must still have some appeal.

[Lester]

"When we got home she asked me what I had bought and when she found out..."

- Good, but remember, everything you do to save your marriage is done secretly. You knew this, but want to rush her.

She's not the problem, you are. The changes you are making are not cheap parlor tricks, it's you changing into something she can't understand, something that is starting to scare* her.

 

You do this to stop her movement away from you.

Don't think of it as a remedy to her deceit, but instead the beginning of a new understanding. The beginning of a new marriage, a much better marriage.

 

It's not about her, it's about your marriage to her.

 

*Hint - Women/wives are a lot more jealous than you know!

[Lester]

"...Bridget Jones style car crashes..."

- PopC's dead-end street influence is strong. Many times these "advisors" are angry and more depressed than your wife. What really matters, is what she is saying to them.

It too will be veiled, but more concise than anything you've been hearing from her.

 

Helpful Hint:

Wives do not handle sorrow, anger like you do. Instead, they begin building a brick wall with each offense you have committed, brick by brick.

Only when the top of her head is showing do most husbands panic and start to take her seriously.

 

Rightly so, but very late.

On the other side of that wall is the hidden man.

 

First Aid:

Continue being less of an open book!

 

While she's making plans to get drunk, you make plans for a healthy diner, an early to bed, and an early rise healthy, all day hike/trip to somewhere*..., without her.

 

Do not give her notice or details.

When you are leaving, be nice, (she's your wife and you're trying to save her as such), and tell her you need time alone.

 

*Somewhere there's a lot of younger women would be preferred. (But beware of all women in your condition..., certain types WILL notice you immediately! Don't be afraid to talk to them..., just beware!)

 

 

PS, "But she will panic once you do..., and should. (More on that later.)" Hopefully, with this post, you are beginning to understand my earlier statement.

[Lester]

"we were both completely open and honest about the past before our relationship so as to hold no secrets

- Mistake."

 

As you may have already read in Dobson or Smalley, A wife needs to hold her husband in a special place of respect and esteem.

Open book husbands miss this strange twist of the human/woman's mind.

 

That's you...

 

You won't understand or know until you shut up.

[Wiseman2]

The magic of "secretly buying new underwear" unfolds!

Went shopping with her in town this morning. Bought some new designer underwear in the men's department whilst she was in the ladies' department on another floor. When we got home she asked me what I had bought and when she found out what it was she said "Are you trying to impress your other woman with those?" to which I jokingly replied "Yes." Just for fun of course. Made her laugh a few times in town today so I must still have some appeal.

[Lester]

As you may have already deduced, when it comes to marriage/family, I am not a fan of quick and easy, slap on labels.

While many of these labels have some basis in truth, most a just flimsy excuses for quick settlement and move on.

 

"Married too young" is one, and may have more validity than others, but is certainly not a death sentence.

 

PopC/mass media says: without multiple partners, drunken excess's and other stupidity, your marriage won't survive.

Don't worry there are millions that do! Maybe even more than the stupid-dancers.

 

Either way, it still could be your biggest huddle. Not because of you, but instead her.

 

If she's a tv-head, it most likely is.

The never ending recording planted in her head may be something like, "Bad boys are more fun."

 

If this is the case, it's going to be tough.

You may even be tempted to act out the role.

 

Don't do it.

 

Change yes! Dishonorable... Never!

[Lester]

"Made her laugh a few times in town today so I must still have some appeal."

- Right now, you have no appeal. Her reaction comes from jealousy and could backfire on you.

Remember, she has hidden advisors who will not interpret your actions in a favorable way. They will say you are panicking.

 

Panic is weakness. Weak husbands lose their wives.

 

Be careful. Do it the right way. Slowly, secretly without announcements.

[thehubby]

Hi Lester,

 

Thanks. Yes, totally understand this is not a game or tricks but a long term plan to save the marriage which must be done slowly, carefully and secretly by developing changes in myself, my action and my behaviour around her.

 

The hint surprises me as she does not show jealousy very often.

[thehubby]

Hi Lester,

 

Yes the advisors are most likely angry and depressed themselves they are also immature for their age in my opinion and a dangerous influence. I understand my role is to bring down this wall brick by brick by careful considered actions and thoughts and concerted efforts to become more of a mysterious man to her.

 

I like the idea of heading out on my own for the day. Unfortunately that won't work the morning after the drunken night out as we are booked in for a joint activity day out with me my wife, my parents, my sister and her boyfriend. I will keep it in mind for one day in the next few weeks though as think it is a great idea to shake things up a bit.

[thehubby]

Hi Lester,

 

Thanks. Yes I do need to shut up and listen more and not be so open and honest about everything because nobody else I have met in this life seems to be like that apart from my wonderful parents whom I adore.

[thehubby]

The magic of "secretly buying new underwear" unfolds!

 

Lol. There is a pun in there somewhere Wiseman2. It worked though.

[thehubby]

As you may have already deduced, when it comes to marriage/family, I am not a fan of quick and easy, slap on labels.

While many of these labels have some basis in truth, most a just flimsy excuses for quick settlement and move on.

 

"Married too young" is one, and may have more validity than others, but is certainly not a death sentence.

 

PopC/mass media says: without multiple partners, drunken excess's and other stupidity, your marriage won't survive.

Don't worry there are millions that do! Maybe even more than the stupid-dancers.

 

Either way, it still could be your biggest huddle. Not because of you, but instead her.

 

If she's a tv-head, it most likely is.

The never ending recording planted in her head may be something like, "Bad boys are more fun."

 

If this is the case, it's going to be tough.

You may even be tempted to act out the role.

 

Don't do it.

 

Change yes! Dishonorable... Never!

 

I will make a concerted effort to implement changes for the better but I will never go down the bad boy route. That can and never will be me!