Please Help. Feeling so confused.

[thehubby]

"Made her laugh a few times in town today so I must still have some appeal."

- Right now, you have no appeal. Her reaction comes from jealousy and could backfire on you.

Remember, she has hidden advisors who will not interpret your actions in a favorable way. They will say you are panicking.

 

Panic is weakness. Weak husbands lose their wives.

 

Be careful. Do it the right way. Slowly, secretly without announcements.

 

Hi Lester,

 

Understood. Slowly and secretly not as a walking advertisement of my plan. I am determined to remain calm but it's tough!!!

[Lester]

"...it is a great idea to shake things up a bit."

- Good, but remember, these are not quick fixes to get things back to the way they were.

 

"...but it's tough!!!"

- There was an intelligent, always well dressed/groomed employee where I worked who's wife left him for another man. Despite all our/others efforts, he spiraled away into a tragic mess and died under a bridge. (The short version.)

 

You too Hubby, may soon feel this full weight.

 

There's no greater pain!

And soon you will understand this, and my comments about Father/cancer.

 

 

You are not only changing to draw her back, but also to make it easier to set her free and enjoy the "new you" with your new wife.

Sounds strange now, but soon, you will understand this also.

 

It's not about her.

[thehubby]

"...it is a great idea to shake things up a bit."

 

Morning Lester,

 

Yes, fully understand this is not a quick fix but a long term plan to improve the relationship for the better through my actions in changing myself.

 

I felt the "full weight" about a month ago but a friend at work intervened and took me out of the office for a coffee to talk through it so I was lucky that day. Don't feel like that anymore, slowly getting a feeling of self worth back and starting to acknowledge that she has been the centre of the universe for too long and that our relationship does not have the right balance, that is to say, I bend over backwards to help her (even saved her life once, but I never bring that up ever in conversation although it is a fact, hard that someone can treat you this way when you brought them back from the brink in the past, I'm great at helping out people in emergency situations, I just become cool and collected in those situations, wish I could be like that in normal day to day routine situations) and a get far less support in return if I am depressed or have a problem. Yes, I am the man so more must be expected of me but I have my problems that require support too sometimes.

 

Anyway, sticking to the long term plan for improvement through concerted change.

[thehubby]

Dear Lester,

 

I just wanted to thank you for your advice back in February. Almost nine months have now passed and the dynamics of my relationship with my wife have changed beyond all recognition. Earlier this year I would have said 2017 was the worst of my life but as of today I would say it has been both the best and worst of my life! My wife remained hostile towards me until the end of June whilst I slowly but surely changed many aspects of my daily life. I now regularly attend 4 group exercise classes a week, have made new friends, got extremely fit and muscular through weight training and pilates. Group exercise is such a great release and a very rewarding experience. I also overhauled my wardrobe (which is minimalist, good quality and stylish) and bought a new car which I have had a lot of fun with. I've been going out with friends at every available opportunity, made a group of new friends that I see regularly and been on a business trip abroad where I networked and made some great new contacts and a couple of new friends! I am stepping outside of my old comfort zone at every opportunity and loving life.

 

After all of these changes and since July onwards I now seem to be the centre of my wife's universe! She is affectionate and loving towards me like the old days and is certainly jealous of all the activities I am involved in and my regular evenings out with friends. I am not ignoring her however and still ensure that I spend quality time with her. However, the difference is I am confident in myself and LEAD our relationship now. I am also getting a lot of female attention which she comments on and is clearly jealous of but I don't play it up or make her feel bad about it. I just calmly smile and shrug it off.

 

In conclusion, a bad year has turned into a good year and I would like to thank you and all the other people on the forum that gave me advice earlier in the year, a year which has transformed my life. I feel like a new man and to be honest, the fear of my wife leaving me for another man that I had earlier in the year is now non existent. I still love her and want to be with her but if she ever has a relapse and messes around with my emotions or with other men again then I could quite happily move on. Anyway, things are great between us now and we have had a holiday which we both thoroughly enjoyed. My wife is already talking about booking next year's holiday and making future plans for activities and events we can enjoy together. I now feel empowered rather than an emotional wreck. A negative has been turned into a positive! Thanks again to everybody that gave me advice on the forum.