I'm Torn and Confused

[howtomakeit]

Hi guys, I'm new to this forum and felt the need to post to reach out for help or advice.

 

This past weekend I broke up with my partner, twice...

 

He was perfect in almost every way, treated me amazingly and loved me unconditionally. All things I see as something I need in a long term relationship. We've know each other for a bit over a year, and have been committed to each other for almost a year. The issue is I feel like he was my soulmate, and I was his too.

 

Out of no where this week I had anxiety whenever I thought of him, no matter what it wouldn't go away. Whenever I would turn to him and look at him I would get severe anxiety and a pit in my stomach, yet still wanted to cuddle and hug him. Which as you know can get very confusing for both parties.

 

I think it started when we had company over and he asked some friends really serious life questions about dreams, goals, etc. I think that is what pushed me overboard questioning everything.

 

We both came to a realization that I had lost my attraction towards him. I think it was because we moved in together almost 5 months in and moved very fast, but I don't regret anything.

 

Long story short, I'm young, I'm 24 and all of a sudden I got worried. I looked at other people yearning for new experiences and temptations of finding attraction and doing new things. But really I know I had everything going for me.

 

It's like a part of me wants to explore and a part of me wants to go back and explore with him and gain the attraction back.

 

When I initially broke up I think it was pushed out of me just so there was an answer to things. After being alone and missing him I asked him to come back and speak with him.

 

He and I came up with things that might have been wrong and led me to boredom making me lose attraction, like staying home after work and not really doing much. I think it got to me. Prior I was used to being single and alone and living life independently, being free (but i never really went out on dates or anything, so just singular hobbies or activities). Anyway he pinpointed a couple things like how he wanted to experience life as well and go out and do things, which is ultimately what I wanted, but it didn't happen often. But I always knew he wanted to do those things too, but we just didn't. And he's absolutely willing to make sure all of that happens.

 

After we talked I felt like I had a connection again, but hours later my anxiety came back because I think I didn't have enough space yet and I had to break up with him again. Then I said things like your clothing style is different than mine and we like somewhat different tastes in music, when quite honestly I don't think those matter that much. I feel like I'm trying to justify my decision in so many ways.

 

I tend to overthink and want to get therapy. All of this comes from a lack of experience and wanting more, and I truly think we were soulmates, everyone else did too. Family, friends, etc.

 

So why all of a sudden my mind and heart are fighting with each other. I shouldn't be leaving someone because of looks or style, I know ultimately that's not what I want my relationship to be based out of. The attractiveness I feel is possible to get back because we already experienced it in between the two break ups.

 

I'm so torn and feel like I made a mistake, but also need space. We agreed and are still talking here and there, and are going to have our separate places. This way I can grow as a person and so can he, and I want to start over with him. But that scares me if one of us pulls away because of it. Even when loading dating apps, thinking that's what I want, to find something new, I have no desire or interest in anyone whatsoever.

 

I know I'm completely all over the place lol. Sorry for anyone who read his whole thing. But I need and ear or a voice. I would want nothing more than to work it or if the other half of my head would shut up. And I know he wants it to work too. He's heartbroken but is understanding and will do what it takes. I'm just confused.

[mike7788]

Sounds like a complicated situation.

 

 

So first off, you just felt anxiety one day and decided to break up with him shortly after? No looming thoughts if it was a possible random feeling? OR, were you feeling a break up for a while?

 

I think stringing him a long and breaking up with him/getting back together him a day later is slightly immature.

Breakups are hard on both parties, and even though they are a selfish act, which they should be, try to keep in mind the emotional weight on the partner and have some consideration.

 

 

I think it's unrealistic to say things like you're soulmates and want to get back together once you've had fun as it most likely won't happen and only strings your ex from moving on.

You're young, and realistically, you haven't been together for that long. You're already feeling these feelings which is a classic sign of you don't want to be together anymore.

 

The reason you get back with him, or find little interest on apps, is because your emotions are most likely everywhere and you're looking for fast ways to feel better such a apps and getting back with him.

 

 

 

Please, break it off with him, for both your sakes, don't give him false hope of being soulmates and getting back together, and go find out what you truly want in life and in a partner.

[No1]

If I could tell your X anything, it would be to run for the hills! It sounds like something scared you or you are having a mid life crisis at 24. I think that this guy scares you. You said he is perfect and he is your soulmate yadda yadda yadda, and it scares you because you can see spending A LOT of time with him. Problem is that you are at a point in your life where you dont want to spend A LOT of time with any one person. You still want to be free.

 

So you flip flop between what you want vs what you have. You have a great guy, but you want to explore life still.

 

Just let him go and dont keep him in limbo. If you want your freedom, enjoy it.

[howtomakeit]

Thank you both. Right now we are going to live separately, be broken up and try to start things fresh in the right setting. And see what happens. I also will on the other hand try to meet new people and see how that makes me feel.

 

He's been through a lot in his life and I helped pick him up through very very tough moments in his life. Don't forget I do have these soul mate feelings and ones that counter-act them, but he as well tells me I was his soulmate and I ruined his life because he was happy and thought everything was perfect, and pictured the rest of his life with me. So he felt that way towards me more than I did in the end.

 

I am young and maybe I'm scared. I wish this was years in the future because he has what I desire long term, but now I need space. If it happens it happens. If it's meant to be it'll be meant to be I guess. He created a list of how he should've gave me more space and how he should've encouraged me to do things more often by myself, which was lacking. He lacks independence and relies on other people to make him happy so I think moving out will give him space to grow as well.

 

Tough situation, but thank you both.

[Sportster2005]

There's something missing.

 

If you need space, and he brings on anxiety, he simply isn't right for you. You seem to be making reasons why you should do this, or do that, or feel this or feel that. The sad truth is, most things are painfully simple. Sometimes it takes a while to see it. But you're in the center of the storm, and conflicting emotions are swirling about. The reality is however, we never want 'space' from people we want to be with. Intense attraction may come with some ambivalence, but it shouldn't cause this kind of anxiety. Form here it seems you're just not into him. You want to be, you have strong feelings for him. But something is missing.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Too much too soon too fast moving in together etc was a mistake. What was the rush?

 

Now that the dust is settling from the infatuation the spark is just not there as it seemed to be. it sounds like playing house was fun for a while but you don't seem ready to settle down and have a bad case of grass-is-greener-syndrome.

 

Unfortunately you can't have him as a security blanket when you are just not into this anymore. Have you moved out back to your parents? That would be the first step in regaining your independence, not checking out dating apps if you're still living there.

This past weekend I broke up with my partner, twice...I had lost my attraction towards him. I think it was because we moved in together almost 5 months in and moved very fast. It's like a part of me wants to explore and a part of me wants to go back and explore with him and gain the attraction back.hours later my anxiety came back because I think I didn't have enough space yet and I had to break up with him again. .

[RainyCoast]

you can't keep dumping and making up and dumping and making up with a guy just because you can't make up your mind. if you are confused, take time for yourself to figure out why commitment scares you like that and if you date in the meanwhile, only date people who are in for casual fun and be upfront with them.

 

don't torture people like that while you tend to your confusion, or while you don't tend to your confusion. let him go so that he has a chance to meet someone who isn't undecided about him, and so that he is spared the humiliating and unfair experience of hanging onto someone who obviously doesn't want him enough to stay.

 

i sympathize with the confusion part. i don't with effing people up like that.

 

When I initially broke up I think it was pushed out of me just so there was an answer to things. After being alone and missing him I asked him to come back and speak with him.

"it" was "pushed out of you"? dumping him wasn't done by some abstract force, don't disengage from your behavior like that. you broke up with him. again. your "reasons"/confusion did not do it for you. if you have stuff inside that makes you behave like that then tend to it in counseling, and have the responsibility to not subject people to it's effects.