Does my “study abroad” in NYC need to end at age 36?

[c579j]

My Environment: Intellectually Challenged/ Physically Exhausted.

 

 

Some background: Child of Immigrant Asian parents, grew up outside of a medium-sized city, total privileged suburban childhood & education. All I wanted after college was to work in NYC museums, live near my diverse NYC friends. Feel like I've “found” a few good friends "my people,"- children of immigrant families , co-workers who are adventurous ethnic foodies, international and socially aware. Living a quiet life, really good rent & roommate, travel a bit, for the past 14years. Did my Masters a few years ago in Art with Research about race, immigration, ethnicity. Great opportunities to lecture and exhibitions came out of that- no $ though. Very familiar with NYC artists, organizations, high-level art field in general(like how some people get into music or film).

 

Not to say there's plenty of times I've felt entirely alone, had scary health issues, haven't had much luck with relationships (got out of a 2yr one and dating unsuccessfully the past year- working through depression whole year), and always on a constant job search (low-paying non-profit jobs), finally transitioned into a full-time opportunity. I feel overworked & unsupported in the organization, although great using all of my art & edu knowledge. Lost interest in a lot of what makes me happy the past 6months with this job, don’t care make art(feel I need to focus on dating), sleeping a lot. I generally do something social 1 day on weekend, spend a lot of time by myself.

 

**AND My parents have been helping me out ALL these years. (I’m pretty responsible. A lot of friends still get some help or still live with their families, I’ve realized.)

 

 

Family and friends are sick of me saying “I want to move, to a calmer greener space.” I’ve applied to jobs in different states, MA, CA. And this year, to the city near my parents (state job exams). Feel burnt out and go back to live with my parents? Should I date in the greener area where I want to live long-term?

 

THEN I realize (& anxiety-filled), HOW Difficult it would be to leave friends, this high-quality, international city, access to Long Island beaches, see a lecture of my favorite artist & dinner at a Malaysian place on a Thursday night, hop on subway 30min for newest foreign film, best burger, DOUGH donuts, fresh bento boxes from Japanese Supermarket. I never thought I’d “still be in NYC” after 35, making low-30’s, now feeling tired of the dirt, crowded areas, concrete, men leering on the Subway, sometimes how "urban, dark, & oppressed" some neighborhoods are. Expectations not met of marriage, house, kids, as my therapist says.

 

I also realize how non-diverse areas outside of NYC are (near the parents), to work, befriend, and date people who never left the area, less creatives to connect with, minimal food culture, etc. I was literally the only person of color at a restaurant I went to Upstate. Do I want to be around closed-minds(even my brother upstate), I should try to get along with all ideas? There are pockets of different communities though, colleges, large companies. Change is hard. Should the environment and people around you have such high priority, or you need to bring what your experiences are to wherever you live?

 

GUYS! I need your brainstorming help.

 

>>Probably just need to focus on finding a decent paying job…anywhere?

 

 

Appropriate Daily Thoughts? Nope.

“I’m going to stock up on these MUJI toothbrushes, I may not be in NYC longer.”

“Sure I’ll research for the project. (IF I’m still in NYC to work this event)”

“Whenever I finally move out of this apartment, will I take the kitchen table or leave it for my roommate?”

“I’m never going to have easy access to empanadas, pupusas, onigiri, laksa, banh mi, French mussels in white wine sauce, cheap Brazilian buffet, fresh morrocan mint tea, Colombian country plate, mofongo again.”

 

Study abroad mentality for the past 14 years!

[Clio]

What is your ideal goal? Where would you like to end up? If you describe NYC as 'abroad', where is 'home' for you? It sounds like you need to take steps towards where you would ideally want to end up longterm, not because others say so but because as time goes by certain options may become more difficult if you remain in limbo for too long. I imagine that at some point you need to make a choice regarding settling down. Time to reflect on what your life goal is and steer toward that general direction.

[gebaird]

I recently faced a difficult job decision like this. I had similar concerns to the ones you are expressing, but when I really found clarity I realized I am fully capable of adapting to almost anything. In the end, it came down to a few fundamentals -- everything else was just mental noise.

 

You are afraid of change.

 

You are afraid of NOT changing.

 

Your fear -- not your geographic location -- is the problem here.

 

When you are comfortable with yourself, you'll realize you can make a life anywhere.

 

It is better to make a decision -- any decision -- than to make no decision at all and remain in limbo. Action is your ally. Your steps cannot be guided if you are not moving forward.

[c579j]

I also shouldn't assume certain things about upstate mindset, I have a few friends there of mixed ethnicities and they are happy, bought houses. As far as my family, they are a bit sheltered. Not like NYCers aren't sheltered in their own communities either, I just interact with mostly young liberal people.

 

Also, not like NYCers haven't met their partners, married, or have kids here. I unfortunately haven't had much luck..

 

I wonder about FOMO (Fear of Missing out), there are tons of lovely experiences that I find joy in and seek out in the city and want to constantly learn. Really in the end- you can't do these things without money! (parents help maybe 25%) I realize that I am able to bring this spirit with me anywhere, but always searching for people who "get me."

[abitbroken]

Do not date anyone in the "Greener area" right now.

I would suggest counseling for you to get a handle on the depression.

If your family is supporting you financially, perhaps you need to wait tables or something on weekends, or find a part time gig teaching a class at the adult enrichment/extension center as well to fill in the financial gaps.

 

. Do I want to be around closed-minds(even my brother upstate), I should try to get along with all ideas?

 

Its funny that you mention that - i become acquainted with a group of women through a friend of mine. They all talked about how everyone in others areas were so "closed minded." Funny that all these "open minded people" were in their 30s and were still receiving money from their parents for day to day expenses, did not hold down jobs or only held down part time jobs, etc, where the people they said were so "close minded" learned to find jobs that would put food on the table, held those jobs for as long as they wanted them and took care of their responsibilities such as farming the land, or paying their mortgage, making sure their parents were visited and made sure their children were healthy. Doesn't sound so 'close minded" to me.

[c579j]

An Update, had a few phone interviews with Higher Education Administrative jobs Upstate (no 2nd Interview), and 2 upcoming ones at a non-profit Upstate and one major museum in NYC. But you know, even these college jobs salaries are high 20's/low 30's!! It's cheaper to stay in NYC in my peaceful apartment share.

 

I have a problem with Expectations in Life for my age. I want the suburban domestic family life. But I also want a multi-cultural, contemporary art-filled, 'real' ethnic food life for a family that I want to have one day. It shouldn't have to be "give up my strong interests and trying to search in a big city & move to the suburbs, lose my interests & friends, in hopes of finding a husband." -one that has no guarantee of actually happening. Dating is hard everywhere? People working in the art field marry and have families both in cities and suburbs?