I was an idiot!!!

[Firsttimedad86]

My girl and I started dating about a year ago. I lied to her from the start about some serious things. Not being myself and trying to impress her. I am ten years older then her. After 3 months of us dating she became pregnant. We were planning the pregnancy. She would ask me to marry her way before the pregnancy. I was all for it. I started to really like her around month two. She would pressure me for a ring. I made it seem like I was financially ok and could afford it. I fell deeply in love with her after we found out she was pregnant. As time went by the lies I told in the beginning started to surface. I kept lying to cover up the first lies. She broke up with me for lying. I kept blowing up her phone and begging her to come back. Text after text. She eventually blocked me. About a month later we got back together. I promised things would be different this time. I came clean about every lie, except for one. My name. She wanted to name our son after me. We had agreed on it earlier. My name is tony I told her it was Antonio. Things were going so great again I was so happy to be back with her and enjoy our pregnancy together. I just didn't know how to confess about my name. I planned on it but just didn't have the heart. We were planning to get married have more kids and everything. Then things started getting bad. I lost my job, my place in the same week. Then she found out about my name. She broke up with me again and said she can't trust me. I've given her every reason not to. I once again begged and text back to back.... she blocked me. Our son is due in two weeks! I love this girl so much, never cheated never put her in danger or anything. I did everything she ever asked of me. I lost my job because I was constantly late because I'd stay up on the phone with her because she couldn't sleep. First time pregnancy and she was in pain. So I tried to be some comfort to her. It worked at times and she would sleep other times I'd be up till 4 and had to be at work by 6. I have lied to her so much and the more in love I fell, the more I wanted to tell her the truth about everything. I was afraid of loosing her. I love her with everything in me. I would give my life for her and for our son. I was selfish stupid and childish. I want her back so bad so we can be a family. I know she loves me or at least she did anyway until I screwed up. Lying isn't worth this pain. And I just wish I was real from the start. She says I can come in the delivery room and see my son born. I'm afraid I have lost her for good. I will do anything to get her back to fix my wrongs to treat her like the queen she is. I don't want to loos her over stupidity. And I'm willing to change anything I have to and EARN her trust! I've been miserable thinking about the what ifs. I found another job making more money then I was before and I'm working on a new place to stay. Someone please help me. I want us to be a family and raise our son together, we both love the lord and are Christian's. Im nervous about being a father but I know I'm ready. I will be the best dad I can, unlike my father I will never leave him. I love them so much and I messed up so much and I pray it's not too late,?

[Tanzi]

Wow! Where to start!? This had disaster written all over it .... the lies .... planning on marriage and pregnancy so early on .... allowing yourself to lose your job.

 

It would be pointless berating you for the lies. I think you have pretty much worked out for yourself how ridiculously immature that was and I wouldn't know where to start anyway .... but why on earth did you rush into getting her pregnant? Were you hoping to have reeled her in before she uncovered the real you?

 

Have you thought about getting some counseling to find out why you felt the need to hide behind so many lies and why you couldn't even be honest with something as simple as your name?

 

And how did it get to the point where you lost your job? Women have been having babies since the beginning of time. No-one need lose a job over it. Did she really need to be mollycoddled in that way or was that your choice?

 

It sounds as though you are getting things back on track with the new job and home but you really need to work on yourself. Counseling would be a good place to start. Until then I wouldn't make any attempts at getting back together. Be there for the birth. Be the best father you can be ... but work on yourself. In time, she may be able to see for herself that you have changed into a mature and responsible person.

[SherrySher]

Why on earth would you lose you job over staying up like you did? So I understand to some degree, she was in pain and wanted you around, but both of you should be more responsible and realise that a job means everything right now with a baby on the way, you can't be messing about and have no income!

As for the lying, that is just plain ridiculous. In any type of relationship you need to be who YOU are and be okay with who you are. You don't ever fool someone on anything, ever.

I do think that counselling would do you a lot of good. And as well you should focus on being a good Dad, working hard at your job and being a good provider. Hopefully in time with all of those things going on, this woman will forgive you and see that you've changed your ways.

[TeddyBlac]

I believe in fate. You really messed up big time but there is good news, YOU HAVE REALISED. Thats the good news. Go to your woman plead with her, speak to some of her close friends, tell them to help you beg her, i believe she loves. It might take time but she will definitely change.

[Matt3939]

? Why would you lie about your name?

[Tanzi]

Go to your woman plead with her, speak to some of her close friends, tell them to help you beg her, i believe she loves. It might take time but she will definitely change.

 

Bad, bad idea. I'm not even sure you if you are being serious. Pleading does no-one any good for soooooo many reasons. All it has done so far is to get him blocked. He doesn't need that when he is about to become a father.

 

As for getting friends involved ... well that is an even worse idea. It has nothing to do with them and they should not be dragged into things ... and I highly doubt they would want to anyway. That's rather childish, don't you think? Besides, her friends might not agree with the idea of them getting back together. She is about to give birth. She needs to channel all her emotions and strength into what lies ahead of her, not to be bugged by random people who have nothing to do with any of this.

 

We don't know this woman. We have no idea if she still loves him or not and we have no idea if that will change. There is no "definitely" about it. It would be great if they could salvage something from this, but the OP is going to have to work on himself and let her see for herself that he has changed and matured. Pleading won't do that and neither will creating drama by involving other people. Time is the only thing that will work here.

[Firsttimedad86]

Thank you you all for the advice. I wasn't happy with myself and insecure. This is my first relationship since high school. I don't know why I lied so much. I have been so depressed before I met her. I used to think no one will ever love me for me. I used to drink heavily. And when I drank, I would make up this life that wasn't mine. Man I feel so bad!!! I love this girl, and I wish I had a reset button. I would have just been real with her! We were so close. I beat myself up for this daily. I've made some dumb choices but I've learned from them. I want to check on her and tell her the truth about everything. I want to earn her trust. I need another chance! I can't function. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and protect her. I don't think I'm a bad guy. I made dumb dumb choices. I'm so lost and don't know what to do! Should I send her flowers on valentines.? Write a letter? Beg? What? I can't give up! My family means that much to me! I know that if we can make it through this our relationship will be so strong. Man I feel like dieing

[Tinydance]

So the number 86 being in your username, I'm just guessing that's your birth year and that would make you about 30-31 years old? Look I understand it's hard if you hadn't had a relationship since high school, plus the drinking, that I totally get as I have a drinking problem myself. But dude seriously I just don't understand why you lied so much and even when you were found out, you lied even more. I know you know it was wrong and you feel awful but maybe you should talk to a therapist because this lying just sounds almost compulsive? Also clearly you are very insecure and have low self-esteem so if you want to be there for your girlfriend and son, you really need to get yourself sorted out first and foremost. And make sure you don't slip into the alcoholism again because that will definitely not make a good impression on your girlfriend and you won't be able to be a good father if you're a drunk. I reckon yes send flowers and an apology card and/or letter for Valentine's. Maybe even try asking her out on a date for it and see what she says. The one thing I really don't get though is why you lied about your name! Lol

[Tanzi]

You know what, I don't think you are a bad guy either. You've been a very stupid one but you are not a bad one.

 

In answer to your question, why would you want to beg? You know that has only got you blocked so far. You really shouldn't want to hassle her any more. The last stages of pregnancy are pretty tough. She's probably hormonal, emotional and just downright fed up. It is not a good time to lay that on her door right now. Please let her rest stress free before the baby is born. You both have a lot of work to do after that and you both have to be able to work together. That should be your aim ... getting to an amicable place where you can work together to bring up your baby. You are going to be in each other's lives for a very long time now so why not relax a little and see what happens. In time she might be able to see the changes in you and how you've matured .... but, of course, you have to have made those changes first.

 

Parenthood is going to change you both and who knows what path it is going to take you on. It could bring you naturally back together. Why not just wait and see what happens and why not take this time beforehand to get some counseling as it seems you have some underlying issues to address that may have lead to the lying in the first place. She wants you at the birth which is a positive thing. Don't push too soon (no pun intended!!!)

 

Besides, all that begging is just going to make you look needy, desperate and immature .... NOT attractive traits. It is also rather selfish as you are basically guilting her into taking you back ... all because it is what YOU want. At this point you should be thinking of her and the baby's needs, not your own. So ...... that's a big fat NO to begging. It really will do far more harm than good.

 

To add, I wouldn't send flowers and letters right now. No need for too many gestures. However, a Valentine's card to her and baby might go a long way. Normally, I would say not to bother but she's about to have your baby so I don't think it will do any harm to let her know you are thinking of them both.

[Wiseman2]

How old is she? Do you live with your parents? You will be in contact with her and your child, since you'll be paying child support and have visitation/shared custody.

 

Why did you plan a pregnancy after 3 mos of dating and barely knowing each other? Are you sure it's yours?

 

What kind of lies were you telling? Have you proposed?

 

All you can do from now on is be honest and transparent.

After 3 months of us dating she became pregnant. We were planning the pregnancy. She says I can come in the delivery room and see my son born. I found another job making more money then I was before and I'm working on a new place to stay.

[TiredOfDating]

My son's father was a compulsive liar. it happens at any age. I actually just busted him in yet another lie, quite by accident. and he lies about really insignificant things, which I think is most mind boggling. Because of this recent discovery, I looked up some info on the behavior. What I found out is, it's often a behavior that begins as a child, often out of necessity (avoiding abuse, protecting a parent, etc) and the person never lets go of the habit. OP mentions his drinking problem and that he wants to be a better dad than his own dad was, so I'd be willing to bet these factors contribute to the lying.

 

He too, gave me a fake name when he met me. he says because he has a sister who is a bit of a local celebrity so he didn't want everyone linking him to her. and then it got to the point we'd been hanging out so long, he felt weird confessing that he lied to begin with. And then I got pregnant and suffered through 9 months of his lying to keep me from finding out who/where he was.

 

so take it from me, leave her be right now unless it's directly baby related. she doesn't need the drama. be there at the delivery, but don't make it about YOU AND HER, just make it about you becoming a father. help her out with the baby as much as possible, she's going to need rest, etc, if the baby doesn't adapt to a routine quickly. offer to help with feedings, etc so she can sleep. and one night, when you're both feeling somewhat rested, come clean to ALL your lies. everything. tell her why. and understand that she's going to need a long time to trust you again. you have to be honest at all times going forward. even if you don't get back together as a couple, that sort of lying is going to make her question the safety of the child when he's away from her with you. I've put up with lying since 2009, he hasn't changed at all and accepts no responsibility for his behavior, and I cannot trust him with our child, AT ALL. Luckily, he has little interest in him unless he is trying to make me look bad. You're at least working in the right direction.

[Firsttimedad86]

Thanks again everyone. I'm just going to focus on myself for now. And prepare to be a father. I'm going to show her what I'm made of. I was sexually abused as a child from my step father. And that really did a number on me. Lying became a habit, so did drinking. I'm going to take control of this situation and not give up. I'm not going to beg, just walk the walk so to speak. Like I said, I really love her. And love my son, I can't wait to meet him!!!!!!' It's my job to protect him and provide for him, he didn't ask to be here. I'm going to give it time, and step up as a father first. She lives with her parents. I will be working overnight. But I have faith in God. I'm just going to be up front with everything from now on. I'd rather hurt her with the truth, then a lie. I don't want to hurt her at all!!! But the truth is so much better. I have learned so much from this. And I'm going to keep PROVING myself worthy. Thanks

[Wiseman2]

Get into therapy, get sober, go to AA meetings. Stop blaming your past, her, etc. for everything. You had unprotected sex after 3 mos of dating and decided having a kid would be fine. You lost your job because of you and drinking and frequent lateness, not "supporting her".

 

People see through the "faith" card these days when you are talking the talk and clearly not walking the walk. The main person to stop lying to is yourself.

 

Your job to sustain meaningful work, find a decent place to stay, pay child support, quit drinking, quit blaming this, that and the other for your choices or hardships and start going to alcohol support groups to understand the connection between drinking/addiction and pathological lying: became a habit, so did drinking.

[yatsue]

Isn't Tony just short for Antonio??? The names are so similar that it's weird why there's all this drama (after coming clean about all the other lies and then she was ok with it). I know people who tell people to call them or introduce themselves by alternative, derived names from their original ones (ex: Will vs William, Kimberly vs Kim, Mike vs Michael, Bo vs Busa etc). Unless if I'm missing a vital reason why she's upset about such a close name resemblance? (maybe ethnic reasons?? Idk)

[Firsttimedad86]

Bottom line is lied. I know I lied. I'm not blaming anyone except for me. I just want to know do I have a chance to fix this. Not trick her, not be dishonest. But to do things right for once. To have my family, and marry her. Not to get married right away but after u rebuild trust. After I prove myself. I have quit drinking and have been focusing on my future. I want us to talk after our baby is here. And come clean about every lie! And not make the same mistakes. Most guys bail at the sound of pregnancy. I'm not!!! I want her to be the only girl in my life and be faithful and truthful and a great father. I want the family I never had. Maybe I'm just a sucker. Idk... but just pray for me, I'm trying to get this on track

[Firsttimedad86]

Isn't Tony just short for Antonio??? The names are so similar that it's weird why there's all this drama (after coming clean about all the other lies and then she was ok with it). I know people who tell people to call them or introduce themselves by alternative, derived names from their original ones (ex: Will vs William, Kimberly vs Kim, Mike vs Michael, Bo vs Busa etc). Unless if I'm missing a vital reason why she's upset about such a close name resemblance? (maybe ethnic reasons?? Idk)

No it's not short for anything, that's my legal name. We rushed into things, me being older I should have known better. She was 19, I was 29. She is now 20 and I'm 30. She is a great girl. Smart, faithful, always pushing me to do better. Yelling for me not wearing a seatbelt, got me to quit smoking. Just a dream come true. I did wrong! I betrayed her trust. I started back smoking after the first break up. I couldn't sleep I was just a wreck, couldn't eat. I just want the chance to show her I can change and have somewhat. It's a work in progress, idc how hard it is I'm willing to give my all. Because I know what I had. I was to stupid to keep it

[Wiseman2]

What were the lies beside the variation on your name? Which ones have you told the truth about and which ones do you still need to "come clean" about. Are you married?

And come clean about every lie!

[Firsttimedad86]

What were the lies beside the variation on your name? Which ones have you told the truth about and which ones do you still need to "come clean" about. Are you married?

No! I'm not married, the lies are stupid but serious. She suffered from a trajic death in the family before we got together, she used to call me crying breaking down. I felt so bad because I didn't no how to comfort her. I made the mistake of saying I know how you feel. I've lossed loved ones it not the way she had. She asked how could I possibly know how she felt. So I lied and said I had a brother that was killed. Major lie! She started to identify with me and I was able to help her through that tough time. I used to feel so bad! About the lie. Everything else was about where I'm from and just being stupid. It's nothing else I need to come clean about just want to explain why I did what I did.... I feel terrible because I love her but wasn't real with her

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you get help for the compulsive lying? : the lies are stupid but serious. So I lied and said I had a brother that was killed. Major lie!

[Firsttimedad86]

Why don't you get help for the compulsive lying? : [url="

 

I am, I'm going to research when I get off. I realize I had a problem lying. I see the wrong and hurt it caused her. That's enough for me to stop, do you really think I need help?

[TiredOfDating]

Yes most compulsive liars do need help to overcome the behavior. That's the very reason it's called compulsive. There's been many times in the 11 years I have known my son's father that he has admitted to his lies and admitted they are wrong but he continues to lie because he literally cannot help himself from lying. And he lied for many years before I ever met him. He is ruined many relationships because of his habit, hurt many people along the way because of his habit, and he'll try for a short while to turn over a new leaf and that never lasts.