Why do I allow this manipulation?

[confusedmama]

I got the separation papers drawn up and we've been to the mediator 3x, but can't seem to close in on the deal. I feel that I am being manipulated, and I guess I'm not sure whether it is really happening or if I am just feeling as if everything he does is to manipulate me. We were supposed to return to the mediator 2 weeks ago but he always finds a reason to not have the appt.

 

The biggest sticking point is he want me to move out of the house for 6weeks and let him move back in to take care of the kids ( I tell him if he would get a real place to live he could have the kids during the weeks and every other weekend). I have refused, yes it feels good to stand up for my beliefs, but I struggle with it every minute. I know it is what is best for the kids but am I being selfish? because it is also what is best for me.

 

I have to go home today, I've been at my dads for Easter and told H he wasn't coming, wow was that an ugly row. He proceeded to tell our oldest that he wasn't invited, so then my son felt he needed to have that explained to him, by me of course ( I'm seeming to always be the bad guy). Sometimes I wish I was a vindictive person and could tell the world about the affairs, the porn, the 10 jobs in 14 years, the verbal slams on my physical look, the controlling attitude, etc.

 

When I look back over that list I just wrote I wonder why it is so hard for me to go to a lawyer and file the papers. I make all kkinds of excuses for him and this relationship and my weakness. I am so afraid that when I go home, he'll be there and I won't be able to get him to leave again. He stayed at the house for 2 nights last week, biggest issue with that is he didn't ask, he just stayed. I wish I had the guts to vent my anger.

 

Typical rudeness of his, nobody else's feelings matter but his. I'm rambling and don't know if this has any purpose other than to put into words the fear ( and what am I afraid of) and anger I have at htis moment. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

[Mun]

It sounds to me like you are long overdue for some selfish behavior, but in fact what you want is not that selfish. You want him to get his own place so your kids will have somewhere to go when they visit him.

 

From what you describe this has not been a good relationship and you should not be feeling guilty for wanting out. I know how scary it can be to find yourself alone again, but once you get settled in you will be glad for the peace you will have.

 

Depending on how old your son is you can start to explain a few things about the separation. Make sure he knows this is not about him and that he does not blame either parent. When he is older he can know the whole truth and form his own opinion.

 

You are doing the right thing for you and your family. You should be respected, not treated the way you describe. Keep sticking up for yourself. You will feel liberated and strong.

 

Hang in there.

[justsweetgirl]

I lived what you are going through two years ago. I came out on the other side a stronger, better person. It may not seem so now, but so will you. Because you are on the right path. It took me two years to connect with my anger. You may not be able to vent it at him, but you are, in my book, ahead of the game. Because at least you still feel something - even if it is rage. Good luck.

[cleverme123]

I am right there with you, it's always hard to give up someone manipulative because of the fact that you get use to it, it becomes second nature to make excuses and lie for them and even cover up, you know what to expect so it makes it less scary.

[Mun]

I heard this somewhere " they know what buttons to push because they put them there..."

 

Hang in there girl.. you are doing what is right for YOU.

[nebbish]

sounds like you married my wife.