My family is negatively affecting me

[Butterflyxx]

I'm 18, I have 2 siblings and a mum & dad who have been together for years.

Over the past few years I've came to notice that my family are incredibly dysfunctional, especially my mum and it's rubbing off on me.

My mum is physically and emotionally abusive. My sisters swear and call my parents names when they argue. My mum hits my sisters (not me as much because I don't swear at them, and I very rarely get into arguments). My mum also is not supportive, arguments occur in my family every day. When going for my GCSE exams, my mum never wished me or my siblings luck, everyone was stressed on a morning, resulting in arguments and shouting.

I have grown up to know no different, and whenever I get upset or frustrated I say mean things especially to my boyfriend. When I'm saying it I know I didn't mean it, but I say it impulsively, for example we were meant to call at a certain time and he got busy and ended up calling me at midnight & I got annoyed and said 'you've wasted my time, I don't even want to call you it's boring'. I feel incredibly guilty for saying that and whenever I say things like that I apologise lots and feel an enormous amount of guilt.

Another example is the other day I was meant to be revising for mocks, and my grandma came over and when that happens my mum and grandma end up arguing (they are both very dramatic and like arguments), and I told them several times to stop arguing (because I needed to concentrate and they were arguing about something trivial), and they carried on so I swore at everyone and ran upstairs and cried. (I very very rarely swear when mad, I just felt overloaded with emotions).

I hate it when my family argue, it makes me feel sick and I hate it more when my mum punches or slaps my sisters or dad, it makes me feel so sick and I go up to my room and put my headphones in to block out the screams.

My family and I never have a good time either, we never go on holidays and we don't have any family friends (my mum lost all her friends because she always argues).

My family is having a negative affect on me and I hate it. When I get upset I either cry and sort it out internally, but if I'm upset with someone (e.g. My boyfriend), I say harsh things to him and I feel incredibly awful because he doesn't deserve it.

I don't want counselling, what are alternative ways to deal with this situation?

*in a few years I can possibly move out, so I know that I won't be living in this environment forever, I just don't know how to stop reacting negatively and impulsively when mad/upset*.

[Wiseman2]

Can you focus on going away for college? Also talk to your teachers and a counselor at school about what is going on at home.

 

As you know, displacing anger is abusive, so stop abusing and dumping on your bf. It's something you are choosing to do, so stop making excuses.. You are also choosing not to get help or improve your situation.

 

Walk away from the household drama whenever possible, stop sticking your nose in it. Be involved in as many school activities, clubs, groups, sports, events, etc as possible. Keep busy outside of the house, study at the library. Complaining but refusing to change, get help or doing anything about it makes no sense.

My mum is physically and emotionally abusive. and whenever I get upset or frustrated I say mean things especially to my boyfriend. When I'm saying it I know I didn't mean it, but I say it impulsively I say harsh things to him and I feel incredibly awful because he doesn't deserve it. I don't want counselling

[gebaird]

I'm impressed that you are so aware of the dysfunctional patterns around you, and conscious of how they are affecting you. It sounds like you are very mature for your age.

 

It's going to take work to overcome your negative behaviors, but as they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step!

 

This book may be able to offer you some insight:

 

It's completely possible to be raised in a toxic environment and have a healthy and happy life. It's all about setting intentions and replacing bad habits with good ones.

[j.man]

Sorry for the toxicity of your home. Really, all you can do is seek and take advantage of moments to remove yourself. Don't stick your nose in it like when your mother and grandmother were arguing. If you need to study, go to the library. If it's too late to go there, then go to a coffee shop. A lot of options out there to quietly study. Find more hobbies outside of the house you can explore. Make more friends to go out with.

[Butterflyxx]

Can you focus on going away for college? Also talk to your teachers and a counselor at school about what is going on at home.

 

As you know, displacing anger is abusive, so stop abusing and dumping on your bf. It's something you are choosing to do, so stop making excuses.. You are also choosing not to get help or improve your situation.

 

Walk away from the household drama whenever possible, stop sticking your nose in it. Be involved in as many school activities, clubs, groups, sports, events, etc as possible. Keep busy outside of the house, study at the library. Complaining but refusing to change, get help or doing anything about it makes no sense.

 

I understand what I'm doing is hurting him and I'm going to try and make a conscious effort to stop. When I get upset I will give myself a few hours to cool off and so I don't displace my anger onto him as it's completely unfair and I take full responsibility for it.

My mum does the same to my dad and me and my sisters, and I spoke to my dad about me doing the same to my boyfriend and he said I've picked up the bad habit from her, tberefore I need to work on changing the habit.

I personally don't like counsellors etc, I don't believe they would help and I feel like I am able to do it myself.

I have exams in may therefore I'd be wise to get out of the house near exam period and walk to my local library to revise.

I was writing this post for advice, I wasn't complaining.

[Butterflyxx]

Sorry for the toxicity of your home. Really, all you can do is seek and take advantage of moments to remove yourself. Don't stick your nose in it like when your mother and grandmother were arguing. If you need to study, go to the library. If it's too late to go there, then go to a coffee shop. A lot of options out there to quietly study. Find more hobbies outside of the house you can explore. Make more friends to go out with.

I find this embarrassing to admit but I don't have many friends anymore. They've all gone off to different places and the one friend I have, she is extremely negative and she brings me down. I miss having friends, and I hope that when/if I go to university I can make some more.

Thanks for the advice

[Butterflyxx]

I'm impressed that you are so aware of the dysfunctional patterns around you, and conscious of how they are affecting you. It sounds like you are very mature for your age.

 

It's going to take work to overcome your negative behaviors, but as they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step!

 

This book may be able to offer you some insight:

 

It's completely possible to be raised in a toxic environment and have a healthy and happy life. It's all about setting intentions and replacing bad habits with good ones.

 

I will try out that book, thank you! I also realise that I have the choice to control my anger or not, and I believe I make the wrong choices and act impulsively.