Two months after BU... still so much pain, dated new people, no one compares

[RayF]

It's super hard, so so hard. I miss her so much and not one thing that's happened since the break up and zero contact since that day has made me think otherwise, feel less for her or convince me that I did not suffer a huge loss.

 

If interested in the backstory it's here...

 

 

 

The holidays were fine, I feel better when around people so I'm not alone with my thoughts. My concentration is better and I've started again to do the solitary things I enjoy very recently.

 

I've been busy, lost weight bought a lot of new clothes started a new job and met a lot of new people and connected with old friends.

 

I've dated a ton and am seeing a couple people and I've been honest with them about my recent break up. I know it may be rebounding but it's helped and I recommend it.

 

Seeing the new people has helped my ego a lot to be honest but it's also hurt so so much. These people are good and we connect and I'm attracted to them but connection is no where remotely close to my ex. My attraction level is no where near close to my ex. Sexual compatibility is not even remotely close to being halfway close to what we had.

 

Im not talking about what we built over time either but I'm talking about the connection that was apparent from the moment we met... it was all instant ... They are not her, all I want is her. There was nothing or no one like her. If it's wrong or unfair to compare what choice do I have? The reality is slapping me in the face, telling me what I already knew the day she left me. It took 32 years and countless relationships to feel what I felt with her.

 

The most frustrating thing is that thus far my fears are true, and no, I'm not expecting the first people I date to match her I get that... but God... maybe that will never happen again? Maybe that one year and a bit with her is the best I'll ever have? she doesn't want me clearly she's not reached out in two months... but I just have to live and suffer like this.

 

She claimed lack of compatibility but how can that be possible? Is a soul connection like we had and compatibility all that different? Those closest to me and my therapist tell me her young age and lack of life experience had her say that as an excuse, when in reality she was just not ready or willing for a relationship like ours. I'm her mind there's a better match for her out there. How can we see things so different?

 

 

Feeling frustrated and afraid and super super sad

[Viceroy]

Hey man, first off congratulations on the weight loss! That's always a huge plus Secondly, I understand how you feel, but you have to keep in mind that's it's only been two months. While there is no set time for completely moving forward, give yourself more than a mere two months. You seem to have handled the breakup well; you've continued to go out and meet new people, and go on a few dates. In addition to losing the weight!

 

The best advice I think is to continue doing what you're doing; use your breakup for positive growth. There are some great videos on you-tube in regards to healing after a breakup that I think you should check out. You may want to take it easy with other women, rebounds aren't good. You should go on dates, and have a good time with other women, but you don't want to compare them with your ex. Just focus on having a good time and making new connections, for relationships to blossom you've got to give them time.

 

Also, remember that your ex was someone you knew, and being that we tend to be afraid of the unknown, we want to return to something we know. You've really got to give it more time, grieve and feel the loss of a loved one, but continue to experience positive growth. I was dumped from a three year relationship five months ago, and it does get better. Will there be times when you miss her? Absolutely, but you've got a life to live, and why not make it a good one?

[RayF]

Thanks for the props, encouragement and kind words Viceroy and the reply I really appreciate it!

 

I really love what you posted and it resonates a lot believe me... I've tried To be as positive as I could be this time...one thing I told myself I would not let happen is to lose control of my life like I did with my last break up (which I actually ended) which had me spiral into a super lonely negative depression with intense self esteem issues and hopelessness. It's why I've been doing what I'm doing. Trust me I never want to go back there I know what I need to do to keep my life moving forward!

 

I hear you on the rebounding I'm really not trying to make these women replace my ex, just have new experiences. I can't have love in my heart for someone new until the love for my ex leaves it. It's more just frustration of my fears confirmed on how hard it is to meet someone as truly special as she was to me. I know it's only been two months and it takes time...

 

You are right that there's a familiarity of the known which is a comforting reason to want to go back but I was also truly happy with her. She was the best connection I've ever had, we shared the most in common out of anyone I've seen, thought the same. I've always been more or less satisfied with my partners on a sexual level but after her nothing compares. All of this was apparent from the beginning with her. This is all what's hardest for me to let go of.

 

I'm strong enough not to reach out to her but there's not a day that goes by I don't write her a letter or an email in my head. As a person in my life she made me better, I care for her and miss that and her.

 

Totally part of life but it's just so crazy how one day a person can be the closest person on the planet to you and the next you never speak to them again. It's not like death which is beyond anyone's control, it's crazy because this person is still out there contactable within a few mins...

[SooSad33]

You are still grieving... LOSS is never easy.

 

You're going thru the denial... anger...confusion..pains of loss.

 

This all takes time. Sadly, things didn't work out and in time you WILL come to accept.. then heal.

 

Been there.. more than once. At times I was the dumper.. times they did.. or walked.. or cheated.. Wow

 

Life is an experience, I say. Sadly, not all good.

 

Good you're seeing a therapist. yes, they can help us along- someone neutral to help us see things and work on accepting.

 

Best thing I've realized for me, is to just spend a good amount of time on my own, so I dont bring anyone else down with me, as I work on accepting what is, in my Life.

To work on getting myself back together... not going to use anyone, to try and get over someone else.

 

I know i NEED this down time. Can take 4 months.. or 2 yrs. I am going at my own pace.

 

Yes.. this all sucks! I Know... but in the end, it's something we have to accept.

Sorry for your loss. In time, I do believe things will start improving for you, but not the first few months.. as it's all still so fresh.

 

One day at a time.....tc

[RayF]

I'm having the strongest urge to break no contact

 

Ugh I just miss her so much. I know it won't accomplish anything and it's not like she's going to say "oh I completely changed my mind from it talking to you for two months. I realized you ARE the one I want to be with and I DO want a future with you and we ARE compatible after all."

 

So I'm fighting the urge to do it. Even though I just want to feel that connection to her and let her know I miss her.

 

It would be easier if she was a nasty person that is not good enough for me and not someone wonderful who decided she didn't want me anymore. That alone should make me never look back but it's just not how it works.

[ShatteredMan]

RayF: I don't think you took the time to work on yourself after the break up. I did the same thing because she moved on really quickly (1.5 months after BU - which says to me that she was REALLY over me) and was bringing a guy over on a regular basis. I, too, thought she was The One. The pain was excruciating. Five months later, its better but not gone...

 

I immediately started dating any woman that hit my dating profiles. Spent a fortune on dating! I did increase my intensity/frequency in the gym, did a lot of cardio, changed my diet (lost 30lbs), started going to church, etc. I needed to do these things to heal and grow.

 

However, the dating of lots of women, comparing them all to my ex - did absolutely nothing except make me think about her, the pain I was in, the ambiguity of ever falling in love again, etc. much longer than it had to be. I became a depressed insomniac - all the while, putting on a "strong face" to show everyone that I was invincible and not affected by my life crumbling to pieces. Eventually, I broke down in every way.

 

Therapy: Its not for the weak, but those who are strong enough and smart enough to know that they need help. It has helped me analyze my relationship, given clarity to what I need to address in myself as a man and is helping with issues that I didn't even realize were affecting how I made choices in life.

[RayF]

RayF: I don't think you took the time to work on yourself after the break up. I did the same thing because she moved on really quickly (1.5 months after BU - which says to me that she was REALLY over me) and was bringing a guy over on a regular basis. I, too, thought she was The One. The pain was excruciating. Five months later, its better but not gone...

 

I immediately started dating any woman that hit my dating profiles. Spent a fortune on dating! I did increase my intensity/frequency in the gym, did a lot of cardio, changed my diet (lost 30lbs), started going to church, etc. I needed to do these things to heal and grow.

 

However, the dating of lots of women, comparing them all to my ex - did absolutely nothing except make me think about her, the pain I was in, the ambiguity of ever falling in love again, etc. much longer than it had to be. I became a depressed insomniac - all the while, putting on a "strong face" to show everyone that I was invincible and not affected by my life crumbling to pieces. Eventually, I broke down in every way.

 

Therapy: Its not for the weak, but those who are strong enough and smart enough to know that they need help. It has helped me analyze my relationship, given clarity to what I need to address in myself as a man and is helping with issues that I didn't even realize were affecting how I made choices in life.

 

 

 

Thanks man I appreciate the unique insight.

 

My therapist is helping me through this, he's good he completely restructured my thoughts on a completely unrelated issue I had a year ago when i first start seeing her that had to do with a previous ex before that.

 

But his advice on this situation more comes with the fact that it's not me really who messed up but it was her age and lack of life experiences to deal with real life issues and sticking around when the going gets tough. He says I seem pretty well adjusted and that this is fresh nd normal but Im just so damn petrified I'll never have this feeling with someone again.

 

He says in time I will be comparing women less to her but more of the feeling I got when I was with her to use as a barometer of the kind of person I want to be with.

 

More importantly I just miss her. I miss her as a person.

 

The difference between this one and my last break up is that I was lonely. It's what I'm afraid of if I stop dating (these new girls know I'm not in a place for anything serious). I don't want to fall into that dark lonely hole of negativity and when I'm "out of practice" it's impossible to even get a date. Right now i may be empty inside and fronting but I actually have my self esteem. I don't know how much work I need to do on myself this time around. This is huge for me and something it took so long to overcome. If I pull out of the game I know I'll lose that.

 

I know there are no real answers here... but I'm so tempted to contact her. I think back to how i left it with her confronting her about a white lie and being super harsh when she was trying to end on a loving note. Which of course I resented at the time and still do.

 

But I'm torturing myself thinking she will never reach out even if she wanted to because she may think I hate her.

 

This would be a mistake right? to reach out to hert?

 

I know it is I guess but I'm looking for some sort of validation maybe.

[parrot]

I feel for you. I went through the same emotions when my ex broke it off with me last year. I wasn't even able to think about dating someone else. I was convinced that I would never have the same chemistry/level of attraction to another person. Definitely not two months into the healing. The first time I felt attracted to someone was around 4 months after the breakup, and I dated a little after that, but still was worried that no one would ever truly compare. Over the last couple of months, I have met people who DO compare, and have given me the stomach flip that I haven't had since I was with my ex. I would still feel that way if my ex came back into the picture now, but at the same time, I can feel it or other people too. So just give it time. Be patient with yourself. You might be making it harder on yourself by dating too soon if you're not ready? In the past that has set me back.. something to consider.

 

As far as breaking NC... don't. This is how I've framed it for myself:

 

Worst case scenario: She is thinking about you periodically, if only for her ego's sake (even if she isn't an egotistical person, we all have an ego). It is so natural to wonder about an ex, even if you ended it and don't want the person back. You've been in NC for two months - if you tell her you miss her now, it's going to be like popping a huge balloon with a tiny needle. You're going to fill in all the blanks for her over the last two months. She's going to assume you've been sitting around missing her this whole time, and, worst case scenario.. this will give her an ego boost but it won't do anything to make you feel better. Let her wonder how you're doing, and don't give her any information for free.

 

Best case scenario: She is missing you like hell, wanting desperately to know how you're doing, regretting the breakup, and the time/space/NC is making her rethink everything. If this is the case, if she misses you *enough*, she will reach out (and by "enough," I mean, genuinely wanting to talk about giving it another shot, and not just throwing you breadcrumbs, which are more related to the whole ego thing). Don't by any means sit around and hope for this (and it doesn't sound like you have been), but these are the only circumstances under which you should engage with her. Anything less will make you feel worse in the end. Believe that.

 

My ex was also a great person who was a good match for me in a lot of ways and yes, that has made it difficult to get over him. Difficult, but not impossible. You're doing a great job but you've got a ways to go - two months is early yet. Keep moving forward.

[lillorenzo23]

The difference between this one and my last break up is that I was lonely. It's what I'm afraid of if I stop dating (these new girls know I'm not in a place for anything serious). I don't want to fall into that dark lonely hole of negativity and when I'm "out of practice" it's impossible to even get a date. Right now i may be empty inside and fronting but I actually have my self esteem. I don't know how much work I need to do on myself this time around. This is huge for me and something it took so long to overcome. If I pull out of the game I know I'll lose that.

 

Listen man, I completely understand what you're saying with this whole loneliness thing. I'm 28 years old, and the relationships I count in my life (ones where I actually cared for/loved/felt that connection) were 1 year long, 4 months long, 6 months long, and my latest...2 years long. The first three, I was lonely as all he!!. I did exactly what you're doing, and went from date to date to date. All of which made me feel 'wanted', but none of which I wanted. This past relationship, my 2 year, was by far the hardest breakup I've had yet. I never clicked with anybody like I did with this one, and this experience is terrible. It's been under two months for me, and I'm far from okay yet. I still think about it every day, multiple times a day...but the one thing I know I can't do is do the continuous date cycle. That made me feel so much worse last time, even if I thought at the time it made me feel better. Dealing with your loneliness is part of the process that makes you so much more strong in the long run. Constantly comparing to new people is going to be a constant reminder of everything you love and miss about her. Every time you go on a date, and the person doesn't have the same eyes...you're gonna think about those eyes. Every time you go on a date, and they have a different laugh...you'll think about that laugh. Sure these people are a temporary fix for the loneliness, but overall they aren't curing the sickness. You do what you feel you need to, but in all honestly, I think being okay with being alone is the only way to get past this quicker, get all of those things you love and miss out of your head, and move closer to giving somebody new an honest opportunity at being somebody you could potentially be just as (if not more) compatible with. But, that's just my opinion.

[jdann]

Hey Ray I know its hard but do not contact her ! Imagine the pain if she ignores it and the agonising wait for her reply, youll keep checking your phone every 5 mins and will keep working yourself up. Trust me you will regret it as soon as you press send !

 

Like Vice said 2 months is not that long ! If you got back togther already would it really work ? The say the longer you are separated and if you do get back togther its better after a longer period apart !

 

Just be strong if you need to just post the text on here just dont send it to her !

[RayF]

Thanks guys,

It’s comforting to hear so many of you relate.

 

Parrot it’s good to hear you found someone ese in time with the right chemistry level. I’m so afraid I’ll never find that. She’s the only one in 32 years I felt that way about and I’ve been in a lot of LTRs. (not don a ton of dating but I’m trying to change that now)

 

I think I crashed and burned last night. Maybe as Lorenzo said this is part of what I need to do. To really FEEL it. Since the break up I’ve been moving, filling my social calendar almost every night which is an adjustment with me because I can tend to want to stay at home to recoup and chill a lot/ Introvert (one of the things my Ex didn’t like about me).

 

I’ve been filling my time with new people as well. It’s been interesting… It’s kept me sharp but now there’s all these strangers in my life all at once.. It’s feeling a bit overwhelming

 

 

I could not focus all week at work. So unproductive. The sadness is creeping in… I missed her so much last night it was killing me. I kept thinking and fantasizing about her reaching out. Obsessively googling “how often to do exes break NC?” and stuff like that. Wondering if shes’ starting to feel the void I left in her life, reflecting on my good qualities and not the negatives and wondering if she made a mistake… I’m Wondering if she’s too prideful to ever admit to herself if she is missing me to reach out to me, or is she wondering if I hate her because of her lie? And then I told myself what parrot told me. If she wanted me, really wanted me, she would find a way to be with me. To talk to me and to reach out. To tell me she changed her mind and she decided I was the love of her life after all and she did want a future with me. But she’s not doing that.

 

So in the midst of utter depression and giving up, I had the briefest moment of thought “How could this girl let go of a guy like me?” I’m loyal, loving, have money and a good career in her chosen field (someone older than her with my stuff together and to look up to who is well connected and respected), OK style (she used to say I could do better but I fixed it, but I guess it’s after she left so she doesn’t see it now and I hate to put pics of myself on social media), Good looking (I look better now since I lost the few pounds too, but again she has not seen me). I treated her like gold, support, honestly, love, commitment… treated her cat well, her family well. Took her on trips. I TRIED. When she said she had issues I corrected them, most people don’t even try. But all I got for that was “The issue is not what you do it’s who you are”.

 

I felt the briefest moment of “She’s really messed up and crazy to let me go, one day she WILL regret this in some capacity”

 

It made me feel better for a split second, enough not to be paralyzed and keep moving. (my NY resolution is to keep moving). Today I woke up and picked myself up, kept moving Replied to all my texts, got to work and got some stuff done. I still feel it there like an evil unwelcomed beast in the corner of the room, staring at me while I try to ignore it. I want it to leave the room. I want to leave the room myself but there is no doors or windows. I don’t know how to separate from this pain and her ghost.

 

I’m not brave enough to “face” the fear yet maybe. Alone in the stillness of my thoughts with the confidence I won’t fall into a deep dark depression and be a recluse and destroy my own life as I have in past situations. I’m so afraid of that, I’m just so afraid in general.

 

But the question still plagues me.. How could SHE be enough for ME but not ME enough for HER? Especially when I know I’m a catch. How could we be that mismatched? Is she crazy to be missing that I’m not right for her or am I crazy for thinking that she was right for me? I don’t know if what my therapist says makes total sense that all the reasons she gave for walking away from me ere excuses to justify her decision, because she is afraid of a deep commitment, felt torn between youth and adulthood and does not have the life experience to know that bad times come with good relationships. In the moment she left she said she’s totally sure of what she wants in a person and it’s just not me. But she’s citing things like wanting a guy who’s totally comfortable around people all the time and wants to go out all the time, or is positive all and stuff that seems rather superficial. I treated this girl well, I had my negative bouts but I always came around and took corrective action.

 

I just wonder if one person just always want the other more. Is this true? Is there ever such a thing as to people wanting the other equally?

[parrot]

Ray,

 

I can relate to just about every single thing you have written. I'm also 32. My ex was a little younger than what I'd typically dated (and lacked life experience, like your ex) but the chemistry was insane. I have had a few serious relationships in the past and nothing compared. My ex and I never had a single fight. Our families loved us as a couple and everything was so wonderful and easy. We were engaged at 9 months and no one raised an eyebrow - if anything they acted as if it was overdue. When he ended things 4 months later, he did it in a very painful way that I didn't deserve and that didn't (and still doesn't) make sense, and I have a feeling it didn't even make much sense to him at the time. He is not a bad person and must have been suffering from some serious anxiety to do what he did. Initially, I was SO consumed with how to contact him, because I was worried that he wanted to reach out and at least apologize for the way things happened but was afraid to for fear that me and my family hated him. After some time passed I was able to let go of this fear though. If you were the dumper, and you were worried that there might be a misunderstanding, I think that's different. Since SHE is the dumper, the ball is still in her court to try to clear up any misunderstanding if she wants to.

 

I can also very much relate to your wondering how your ex could let go of a person like you. I still have those same thoughts, almost daily. My relationship with my ex was, right up until it ended, 100% good. I don't have any bad memories of him at all. He used to say to me that if we ever broke up, there were so many places he'd never be able to drive past again because it would make him sick. It always seemed like he felt so lucky to be with me, and I felt the same exact way. Just a couple of days before we broke up, he was still sending me wedding countdowns and telling me how excited he was to spend the rest of his life with me. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, it seems SO strange that he broke it off so suddenly, and I think he had to be feeling at least some regret over it.. but he has never expressed it. In a lot of ways that is still very sad to me. At the same time, I think it's a good sign that you can look back on your relationship and recognize that you were a good partner and that you have what it takes to be a good partner to someone else in the future. So many people on here are crippled with self-doubt after a relationship. To recognize that things weren't perfect, but that overall you did your best, is a very healthy thing.

 

I have only been on a couple of dates since the breakup and am not in any kind of relationship now but I have felt a chemistry with someone (who I won't ever end up dating but that is another story).. just feeling the chemistry was a good sign though. A big difference between me and you is that I spent the first few months of the breakup holed up at my parents house crying, talking on the phone to close friends, journaling, praying. I had a lot of alone time in the beginning. Ultimately I think that helped. At a certain point I just felt "ready" to get out and meet new people and think about something other than my ex. You might be going through a phase right now that you skipped over in the beginning. Prior to this previous ex, I hadn't been in a serious relationship in a few years (I am extremely picky too which is something I worry about) and in that time I had found true happiness as a single female. I wanted to find love and settle down with someone, but I honestly didn't feel like my happiness rested on it. Now with the new experience of having someone I'd only dreamed about before, it's harder to get back to that place, but I'm trying to and I'd like to achieve it before getting serious with another person, and I am finally starting to believe that I will.

 

Didn't mean to write so much, but found your post very relatable. Keep writing if it helps!