Should one have to communicate the obvious?

[Talblkman]

I'm very new to this site and hope I am able to make my point clear and precise. I am in a homosexual relationship, today marks our 6th month anniversary. I know in my heart that I love this man (lets call him Shemar). Shemar, 38 y/o, is what any man/woman would want in a life long partner: Exceptionally attractive, smart, independent, strong family foundation and because he has not given me any indication to the contrary - extremely honest. Slight side note to mention, Shemar and I were strictly sex partners off and on for over 10 years prior to us becoming a couple. Shemar indicated to me over the years that he had feelings for me but I brushed it off because neither one of us knew one another, so how could he possibly have feelings for me? Furthermore, I didn't believe we had much in common at all (i.e. - he's much more straight laced than I am (doesn't smoke, financially responsible to the upmost, patient, etc.).

 

After I ended a 7 month relationship back in March of this year, I reached out to Shemar for sex. He mentioned he wasn't in the mood but I asked if I could come and see his new apartment, he agreed. I had no intentions on having sex that night, I was really lonely and he's the one I would reach out to in those moments. After 7 months, he opened the door and to my surprise he had grew in his facial hair and was more physically attractive (although he was always attractive to me). So I was given a quick tour of the apartment and needless to say we had sex. Afterwards, we did something that we hadn't done in a decade....we sat on his couch, he laid on my lap and he fell asleep. Now, I am vulnerable and lonely at this time but when I looked down at him sleeping so comfortable on my lap I vividly remember saying to myself "I can get use to this". I left that evening with the idea of us dating on my mind. I stayed in touch much more that normally and within weeks we went on our first official date. That date lasted over two hours, drinks/dinner and the best conversation I have had in what seemed like forever. I learned things about his family, friends and his upbringing that literally brought me to tears; happy tears - the kind that makes one wish time could stand still to savor the moment for eternity. This was May 1st. We continued to talk and date but didn't come official until June 19th once he returned from a vacation he took alone. I asked Shemar to be my boyfriend on June 19th, I actually wanted us to make it official much sooner but he continued to say things such as "if we both agree that we aren't seeing or sleeping with anyone else than why rush?". This bugged me to no end because I'm not use to simply dating and trusting that the relationship is monogamous. At the time, I wasn't monogamous because I felt we were not in a committed relationship and I .... well, truth be told I felt like until the relationship became official I didn't feel required to be faithful. At the time I was only sleeping with someone who I had prior relations with, also just a sexual relationship - his name is, lets call him Kalil.

 

This is where things confuse even me and why I need some strong serious advice. Over the past 6 months Shemar and I have been doing pretty good. The thing is in my opinion we live totally two separate lives. Meaning, he has his circle of friends that he adores as if their family. I respect that, Shemar is one of the best friends one can have. He stays in touch, attend events, listens and just an all around good guy. I have met several of his friends and they too for the most part are wonderful people. Personally, I'd like to think I am a good person as well and most that know me will agree (I think But, I am just not that guy who answers all my friends calls every time they call, nor will I call them. I mean we email/text and when an event comes up I'll certainly be contacted to attend and sometimes I will but depending on my financial situation or mental state most times I won't. Shemar once went with me when friends of mine got together for drinks and it was great. Afterwards Shemar said "you know, I can tell your friends really love you. They miss you, you should do more to stay in touch". I agreed and to this day I do better; I'm far from a Shemar but I do better. The bottom line here is - he spends a lot of time with his friends (mostly female); he spends more time with them and speaks to them much more then he spends and speaks with me. At first I didn't have an issue with it but now I do.

 

This has the potential to be a novel....I hope I get some feedback

 

Before I get to what has me thinking that this relationship has come to the end I have to admit within the past few months I have not been faithful, at all. I continue to have sexual relations with Kalil and he's not the only one. Sex with Shemar is good so it's not the quality of the sex and certainly not the quantity because Shemar actually overextends himself when it comes to our current sexual relationship. Many times I feel that our relationship is based solely on sex. Now, I must say I've done something with Shemar that I've never done in my entire adult dating life - I invited Shemar to my companies holiday party! It was the bravest thing I've ever done - I have anxiety so needless to say I was nervous as hell! It was spectacular; Shemar is a brilliant individual who is a manager in a organization where he knows how to communicate with the best of them; I work in a professional organization as well. The last thing that I worried about was him embarrassing me - and he not only didn't embarrass me but he in fact helped me to enjoy myself more than I would had I been alone. Shemar, I believe reluctantly, invited me to his holiday party. I say reluctantly because he recently started a new job at a new company. And to basically divulge ones sexual orientation when your the manager of many can be....well, nerve racking and Shemar doesn't deal with stress well. His event went well too, I was introduced as a "Friend" and we stayed for a while. Overall I was very appreciative that he asked me to go.

 

Okay, so this doesn't get much longer than it already is I'm going to spill out in detail this past weekend. I'm using this weekend because it's the most vivid, most current and I feel as if this has been the trend for the past several months. Friday evening Shemar and I had planned on being with one another. However, Shemar had a brutal day at work and just wanted to relax; I know him well enough to know that he didn't want to even be bothered with me. Because I get tired of always sitting around waiting on Shemar I had a friend over, who brought a friend over for drinks. Shemar didn't mind and even said via text when I asked "would you be upset if I didn't come tonight" his response (predictable) "no baby I'm really in the mood to chill". That didn't sting as it normally would because I took preventative measures not to be alone. However, that night turned into a sexapade if you will (my friend, myself and his friend had sex). Not that this matters, but prior to us going there....our conversation was surrounded by relationship, trust, love and yes, Shemar. They both stayed the night at my place in my spare room. The next morning I did reach out to Shemar to see how he was doing from his rough day - he had to work on Saturday so I knew I wasn't going to see him until later that evening. I didn't see Shemar until 10pm Saturday night! He was tired from Friday and Saturday turned out to be a rough day as well. When I asked him Saturday afternoon "would you like to talk about it" he said "no" (also predictable). Shemar seldom talks about work with me, I respect it but I don't like it. How can we grow together when you keep something that clearly effects you from the person you claim to love? Okay, so Saturday after my two guests left, I was still in the mood for sex. I reached out to Kalil. Kalil came through around noon and left around 2pm. I napped and prepared to go to Shemar's that evening. I get there around 10pm and we cuddled and watched mindless tv until about midnight - we did not have sex. Granted, I had had enough sex but I wanted to enjoy being with Shemar WITHOUT SEX. That's why I say I love him (many tell me I can't possibly love Shemar with my actions, I feel in my heart I do). Shemar is an early riser and was up by 8am doing house work. We did have sex that morning but because of his rough two work days he had errands to run. We left his apartment around 11am; we went our separate ways. That hurt. I ended up being home Sunday most of the day alone. I was sad because I really wanted to be with Shemar. By the time he returned home it was about 3pm. He said he was going to nap and well I did the same. I ordered take out and watched Netflix home alone. Last night, I received a text from Kalil asking what I was up to he was genuinely interested in just relaxing watching tv with me. I turned him down because I feel he is catching serious feelings and quite frankly as much as I like Kalil he's not for me. Sex and company is great...but forever - I just don't see it.

 

There's so much more and I encourage questions as I gave what I thought would be synopsis of my situation. I must conclude with, I do love Shemar. I trust with all my heart that Shemar loves me. But I am not happy being unfaithful. And I am not happy being faithful. Shemar once said to me and I'll end with this: If you were unfaithful to me I don't think that would be a deal breaker. Actually, if you were unfaithful I know that wouldn't be a deal breaker.

 

Why would someone say that while in a new relationship? I feel in my heart this relationship is over. I am strongly thinking of ending it after the new year. I don't want to because I love him. But why should I have to communicate with the man I love that I need more than....what I'm getting? I feel like I shouldn't have to say the obvious...and If I do that he would feel forced to do what most people do in a relationship; and that's spend more time, open communication and the want, if not need, to be around the one you love. I don't want to force that on him, nor do I feel it would benefit either of us if I bring this up.....I just don't know. Or do I?

[rosephase]

If you really want to give this relationship a shot tell him you've never been faithful. Tell him what you want and need out of a long term relationship. If you want a real relationship then you need to start with your side. You haven't been treating this man very well, you need to to be honest and open in your communication, which means telling him about who you are and what you want. If you don't want or can't be monogamous you need to tell him that. If you need more of his time and attention to be monogamous you have to tell him that. You've never given him a fair shot at being in a relationship with you because he doesn't know who you are, you are hiding major parts of your needs, desires and actions.

[Talblkman]

Thank you for your response. I have full intensions on letting Shemar know that I have not been faithful and letting him know that I needed more time. My biggest issue is once I let him know this, I would feel as if everything after that point he does would be forced. Almost like, "well I really am not in the mood to be with (me) but If I don't his feeling will be hurt". It's like, why doesn't he see that what we have is less than a dating relationship - individuals who date spend more quality time with one another than we do. I have read and appreciate your response. And I have intensions on expressing myself just like that. I just know me, and once I express myself I will feel like the relationship is fake. because I won't trust his actions are sincere....I feel how he is acting now is how he is.

[rosephase]

Thank you for your response. I have full intensions on letting Shemar know that I have not been faithful and letting him know that I needed more time. My biggest issue is once I let him know this, I would feel as if everything after that point he does would be forced. Almost like, "well I really am not in the mood to be with (me) but If I don't his feeling will be hurt". It's like, why doesn't he see that what we have is less than a dating relationship - individuals who date spend more quality time with one another than we do. I have read and appreciate your response. And I have intensions on expressing myself just like that. I just know me, and once I express myself I will feel like the relationship is fake. because I won't trust his actions are sincere....I feel how he is acting now is how he is.

 

If he doesn't know what you want or how you feel he isn't really in a relationship with you anyway. He isn't a mind reader. If you want or need more time you need to let him know.

 

In partnership you do things for the other person. Sometimes you do things you like less and your partner likes more. That's pretty normal. The way he is acting now is who he is when he doesn't know his partner's needs or desires. I wouldn't waste time guessing at how he will or won't change to the information you have. You have a LOT to come clean about, you need to work through the infidelity (If he even wants to) first.

[catfeeder]

Should one have to communicate the obvious?

 

Yes. Anything short of being honest about exactly what you want becomes manipulation. That tends to not work very well. Have you noticed?

 

Negotiation doesn't sound romantic, but the best relationships are between people who've learned how to do it well.

[Talblkman]

 

Negotiation doesn't sound romantic, but the best relationships are between people who've learned how to do it well.

 

Thank you!