After first date who should txt first?

[Superus]

After the first date who should text first?

Had a first date, she text me immediately after i dropped her off, she said she wanted to see me again, i text back telling her i had fun and we should do it again..

 

7 days pass

 

Ive been very busy so i haven't had a chance to text her for like a week. she hasn't txt me either. I finally got around to txting her and she hasn't responded for like a day. its not like her.

 

did i screw up?

[annie24]

Really, you didn't text for a week after she texted you?

[Superus]

The same day i dropped her off she text me saying she would like to do it again and that she had fun.

 

I texted her back immediately and told her the same. 7 days pass and i haven't text her after that day. nor has she. i was so busy i finally got around txting her and she hasn't replied.

[zeino]

You have screwed up partially but you can probably save this with a proper apology and telling that you will be better at communication when you are busy - if you are genuinely willing to do so. She did the right thing by not chasing you when the ball was in your court and of course she won't want to appear too ready to answer when you just text after a week. She went through a lot that week probably - awaiting your text, not believing that it was not coming, accepting that it would not come etc. The emotional response to delay has stages like grief actually. You may have pissed her off a bit and this may be triggered especially now that you "reappeared". One week may not be much in more established relationships but after a first date, it matters I suppose. You can give it a couple of days, try to contact and then see what happens.

[Superus]

You have screwed up partially but you can probably save this with a proper apology and telling that you will be better at communication when you are busy - if you are genuinely willing to do so. She did the right thing by not chasing you when the ball was in your court and of course she won't want to appear too ready to answer when you just text after a week. She went through a lot that week probably - awaiting your text, not believing that it was not coming, accepting that it would not come etc. The emotional response to delay has stages like grief actually. You may have pissed her off a bit and this may be triggered especially now that you "reappeared". One week may not be much in more established relationships but after a first date, it matters I suppose. You can give it a couple of days, try to contact and then see what happens.

 

TBH i didn't think it would be a big deal since i'm sure she has a social/work life. This is nothing new to her. i would text like every other week etc and she would always reply. i finally asked her out, we had a good time, held hands made out, but now she's possibly pissed because i haven't got in touch with her? whats the difference? i just have a busy life

 

and hows the ball in my court? she could txt too showing me she cares etc.. how do i know she hasn't txt me back cuz she doesn't want to see me anymore? it can't be all on me

[mustlovedogs]

I'm going to be perfectly honest. Being so busy that you can't sped 5 minutes to reach out over 7 days is SUCH a turn off.

 

I have no interest in dating a guy who is too busy to see me, and therefore I can assume he's too busy to see me if he's too busy to text me.

 

Re-evaluate your life and determine if you're actually in a place to date.

[katrina1980]

After the first date who should text first?

Had a first date, she text me immediately after i dropped her off, she said she wanted to see me again, i text back telling her i had fun and we should do it again..

 

And how, pray tell, was she supposed to respond to that? She already told you she wanted to see you again.

 

I spose you expected her next text to be her asking you out, planning the date.

 

That's fine but in the real world, men who are actually interested in a chick initiate the first few dates.

 

So no the ball was not in her court, it was in your court.

 

Ideally, instead of just telling her "we should do it again," it would have been much better had you actually asked her out again.

 

If not right then, then in a few days.

 

No man who is actually interested in a woman is "too busy" for an entire week to send a 30 second text message asking a woman out again.

 

So sorry that excuse doesn't fly unless you are NOT all that interested in her. Are you?

 

You say you "didn't get around to it." 8-[

[Superus]

I'm going to be perfectly honest. Being so busy that you can't sped 5 minutes to reach out over 7 days is SUCH a turn off.

 

I have no interest in dating a guy who is too busy to see me, and therefore I can assume he's too busy to see me if he's too busy to text me.

 

Re-evaluate your life and determine if you're actually in a place to date.

 

 

 

if you read my second post, how is this all on me?

[j.man]

Ideally, I think it would be equitable if whoever was invited first be the one who invites the next. However, as the guy, society dictates you'll need to be the one inviting for the first few. Not saying I'm a fan but it is what it is. You can either limit your options by playing chicken or you can play the actual game. She expresses interest in a second, ask her out for a second.

[Superus]

And how, pray tell, was she supposed to respond to that? She already told you she wanted to see you again.

 

I spose you expected her next text to be her asking you out, planning the date.

 

That's fine but in the real world, men who are actually interested in a chick initiate the first few dates.

 

So no the ball was not in her court, it was in your court.

 

Ideally, instead of just telling her "we should do it again," it would have been much better had you actually asked her out again.

 

If not right then, then in a few days.

 

No man who is actually interested in a woman is "too busy" for an entire week to send a 30 second text message asking a woman out again.

 

So sorry that excuse doesn't fly unless you are NOT all that interested in her. Are you?

 

You say you "didn't get around to it." 8-[

 

ahh ok i guess i understand now.. but she needs to take some responsibility.

[katrina1980]

Ideally, I think it would be equitable if whoever was invited first be the one who invites the next.

 

However, as the guy, society dictates you'll need to be the one inviting for the first few. Not saying I'm a fan but it is what it is. You can either limit your options by playing chicken or you can play the actual game.

 

She expresses interest in a second, ask her out for a second.

 

It's what I said too. but maybe since a man posted it, OP will listen to it. lol

[mustlovedogs]

if you read my second post, how is this all on me?

 

Your second post saying she could've gone first?

 

That doesn't matter. Your excuse for not texting her is you were busy. If your excuse is you didn't want to make the next move, that's a different story.

 

But if you're genuinely too busy to text in 7 days, you shouldn't be dating. End of story.

[katrina1980]

ahh ok i guess i understand now.. but she needs to take some responsibility.

 

She did, she initiated the first text after your date and told you she'd like to see you again.

 

You initiate the next couple of dates (or at least the next one) and she reciprocates.

 

That's how it works, it's like a dance.

[Superus]

She did, she initiated the first text after your date and told you she'd like to see you again.

 

You initiate the next couple of dates (or at least the next one) and she reciprocates.

 

That's how it works, it's like a dance.

 

Well i was going to initiate the second if she would have responded but i guess since i didn't text in 7 days....i assume shes mad. or just maybe she wasn't interested. she could txt too

 

i told her i wanted to see her again too! but i'm not going to plan on that same day since i don't know my schedule.

[mustlovedogs]

Can't you just take the learnings from this community? You left a question open ended. You halfway said you wanted to do it again and never followed up. The ball was in your court. You acted like you were interested, so if she texted again it could be clingy. The next step was yours - take responsibility. And use this lesson as a learning experience.

[zeino]

TBH i didn't think it would be a big deal since i'm sure she has a social/work life. This is nothing new to her. i would text like every other week etc and she would always reply. i finally asked her out, we had a good time, held hands made out, but now she's possibly pissed because i haven't got in touch with her? whats the difference? i just have a busy life

 

and hows the ball in my court? she could txt too showing me she cares etc.. how do i know she hasn't txt me back cuz she doesn't want to see me anymore? it can't be all on me

 

That she has a social life or work life is not related. Your actions give her an idea about how interested or considerate you are and have nothing to do with her getting a life herself.

 

This is new to her because texting every other week was before you started dating. When you start dating, new rules apply because dating itself is a sign that you are now more interested in each other. That needs to be translated into action. Do you really treat people the same before and after you date them?

 

She texted you immediately after the date. That is polite and conventional. It also has a purpose. She is showing you that she is open to future invitations from you. You agree with her and say you should do it again. It is very understandable that she waited for you to act on what you yourself said. This is how the ball was on you because most men invite women somewhere when they say "we should definitely do it again." It adds reality to their words. Maybe she gave you some time but then didn't want to chase. Yes she could have called you but why, when you could have called as well?

 

And why do you expect her to call you to show that she cares when you don't call her?

 

You know she isn't doing this because doesn't want to see you anymore because she has openly told you that she wants to see you again. That's how you know.

 

It's not all on you but supporting your words with your actions is on you. This also depends on how that evening's texting ended. Did you say anything clear to each other? Yes, she could offer a meeting but it is absolutely normal to expect you to come up with a plan, too. Her action/non-action taught her something about your behaviour when you are busy.

 

To be honest, busy is too old. Everyone is busy nowadays. Even the busiest CEOs get a second to text and say "I'm busy this week but you are on my mind." How long does it take to text that?

[katrina1980]

Well i was going to initiate the second if she would have responded but i guess since i didn't text in 7 days....i assume shes mad. or just maybe she wasn't interested. she could txt too

 

That's true and if it were me, I would have, or might have, depends.

 

Not to ask you out but maybe just to say hi or whatevs, just to keep it going, since you sent the last text.

 

So I do get your point about that.

 

It's been an entire week now though, which isn't that long, but in this very VERY early stage, you wanna keep the "connection" alive by staying in touch every couple of days (at least).

 

Asking out, planning dates.

 

I think you both got signals crossed.

 

She may have been waiting for you to text and hopefully ask her out again, and you're waiting for her to text again before you ask her out again.

 

Something's gotta give, you know?

 

Do you want to be passive and do nothing, and lose her?

 

Or be assertive and take charge by texting and asking her out again?

 

Your call.

 

TBH, it's doubtful she's mad, but she may have lost interest ... assuming YOU weren't interested because you were "too busy and didn't get around to it" (obviously).

[zeino]

ahh ok i guess i understand now.. but she needs to take some responsibility.

 

Responsibility of what?

[katrina1980]

Responsibility of what?

 

I think he really expected her to text him back, respond to his last text, even though now that I read it again, it really didn't require a response.

 

She told him she had fun, and wanted to see him again, and he responded that he had fun and let's do it again.

 

It didn't really require a response.

 

Course she could have, but don't think you should have "expected" her to.

 

I could be wrong, but I get the sense the OP is a little mad. That SHE hasn't texted him.

 

I actually don't think he was "too busy" or was so busy he just "didn't get around to it."

 

I think he expected her to text him and since she hasn't, HE is the one who is mad.

 

OP are you mad at her for not "taking responsibility" and texting you?

 

Be honest.

 

Like I said, I could be wrong, but my spiny senses are telling me I could be right!

[Superus]

I was legitimately busy. When i'm focused on something especially my work that's all i think about. I'm not mad that she hasn't text me but i'm a little concerned that i hope she's not mad..although, she hasn't responded to my latest text i'm going to assume something is going on. she always responds.

[zeino]

"Ghosting" has become so widespread that people are always a bit more scared to approach a person who doesn't call (I think). We are more cautious, fair enough as nobody wants to disturb anyone. That's why I think people who state good intentions should back it with enthusiastic action to differentiate themselves from others. But again, depends on how that evening's texting ended.

 

But there is no "responsibility" for this woman here. Maybe she could be more in-charge or hands-on or whetever but this isn't a responsibility, a choice. And who wants to be an in-charge clingon really?

 

And what answer would she get? "I'm busy this week." That wouldn't be the most motivating answer when you call someone because they haven't called. I think there is actually more hope for them because she didn't call - that is, if she accepts contact again.

[katrina1980]

 

But there is no "responsibility" for this woman here.

 

And what answer would she get? "I'm busy this week." That wouldn't be the most motivating answer when you call someone because they haven't called. I think there is actually more hope for them because she didn't call - that is, if she accepts contact again.

 

That is a very good point, which brings up another point.

 

OP, since you were too busy to text her this week, then even if she had texted you, I assume you would have been too busy to respond.

 

So where does that leave her?

 

She has texted a guy who is too busy to respond.

 

Or maybe you are just too busy to initiate, but not too busy to respond?

[annie24]

I was legitimately busy. When i'm focused on something especially my work that's all i think about. I'm not mad that she hasn't text me but i'm a little concerned that i hope she's not mad..although, she hasn't responded to my latest text i'm going to assume something is going on. she always responds.

 

she might contact you, but she might wait a week to reply now. I do understand that you were busy this week and preoccupied. It happens. But if I were in her shoes, I'd know I was dealing with a guy who wasn't that excited about me, so if I did reply, I'd try to play it really cool.

[zeino]

I was legitimately busy. When i'm focused on something especially my work that's all i think about. I'm not mad that she hasn't text me but i'm a little concerned that i hope she's not mad..although, she hasn't responded to my latest text i'm going to assume something is going on. she always responds.

 

I want to say stop worrying about texting conventions like who texts who and use this as an opportunity to clear certain things about your relationship or dating expectations. This is who you are and if you don't want to change yourself then you must honor yourself or you will resent people who expect more than this from you and they will resent you, too. No need for this. Text her and tell her that you were busy and this is what you do when you are busy. Tell her about what you hope, what you want and what you need. If this suits her, you two carry on. If her expectations don't suit you, you say this and nobody feels like they are in something wrong.

 

This is the initial phases of dating, it will be full of discoveries. Use this time efficiently so that you have a higher chance of getting what you want. This is what dating is for. Nobody will be terribly hurt at this point. This means you can act very openly.

 

I say, take action and reveal more of yourself. Try to learn more about her as well. I would be direct with this because if she wants to meet you after keeping you hanging a bit, this problem may occur again.

[Superus]

Great advice, looks like i wasn't ready for anything yet. Thanks guys!