My partner is still in love with her ex

[dakota1]

I am begging for help. This is a long story, but I will try to keep it short. My partner and I fell in love 20 years ago. I was unable to handle a lesbian relationship and we fell apart. For 18 years we kept in touch long distance. She has always told me we are meant to be together. 18 months ago, I ended my 9 year relationship with a man and she ended her 7 year marriage to a woman. Each relationship ended on it's own course.

I moved accross country because she said she has always loved me and I was all she wanted. We bought a house and adopted 2 dogs. She wants me to have our child. I was happy for the first time in my life. My best friend and my parents know I love her and we are together.

My partners ex lives here in town. They email and talk on the phone daily. I know the break-up has torn both their hearts out.

I am afraid my jealousy will tear us apart. My partner is very honest with me. She told me she still loves her ex and always will. The three of us have met many times over the past 18 months. It is so difficult. My partner feels so much guilt, and her ex is in such pain. I feel emotionally cheated. We all seem so miserable.

My partner reassures me she is not romantically nor sexually attracted to her ex, but they share an intamacy I have never know with anyone. She wishes there was a way for the three of us to be close. Share a house even. This idea makes me physically ill.

I know she loves me, but am I too selfish for wanting 100%? I am unable to sleep. It's difficult to function knowing there is a large part of her heart I will never touch. She has always told me I am all she's ever wanted, but I don't feel that way. She wishes she could have both of us in her life.

Her ex can't afford to keep the home they shared. I fear this will cause my partner to resent me. Our love was magic until I actuall moved here to be with her.

Should I leave? Should I let them try to piece their marriage back together? I lived a gray life before I finally committed to move here with her. Can I go back to that now that I know what it is to feel joy?

I have noone to talk to about all my fears. She is all I have. When I try to talk to her, she stops sharing with me out of fear of hurting me further.

Please help, I am unable to enjoy her company due to all my doubts.

Thank you for any suggestions.

[DN]

You should tell her that you need a 100 per cent commitment, romantically and other ise, or the relationship should end. Kind feelings to an ex are one thing but her behaviour goes way too far. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

[justsweetgirl]

Hello. First, I am sorry you are in so much pain. What you wrote sounds eerily familiar to me. My gf moved here a year and a half ago; gave up her job, friends, home - everything- and moved out of state to be with me. I had been broken up with my ex for a year but we occasionally spoke on the phone and saw each other. My gf knew about my ex and that it was difficult for me to extricate from the situation completely. We still had unfinished business. In my case, my ex was abusive and didn't get help until I left. So, the person who was now wanting to talk and see me seemed changed; calmer, more mature, sincerely sorry. My gf feels as tho it has been three of us doing this relationship. I love my gf dearly and never meant to hurt her. Talking to and seeing my ex has never been about sex. We don't have any. I am faithful to my gf. But I have not been able to fully let go. All the things my ex says now are the things I was dying to hear when we were together. And she wants another chance to get it right. I do not see my ex as competition. To me, the two things have nothing to do with one another. I do not want to leave my gf but this is driving her crazy. I feel selfish. My gf is disgusted and probably wondering what the hell she came here for. Certainly, not this. She feels she is second. She says I gave my abusive ex a billion chances and all she is asking for is one. That I bend over backwards for the ex in ways I would never do for anyone else. She says I am blind when it comes to her. Honestly, there is a connection. Strangely, it may be more that of a parent for a child. I feel sorry for my ex for leading a life of volatile, chaotic failed relationships. My heart goes out to her. I did get help after I left from a domestic violence group. But maybe I am still seeking validation from my ex in some way. I have never gotten in touch with my anger for the things she did to me. It is hard to go from wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone to having nothing. Really hard. And the truth of the matter is, if I was in my gf's shoes, I don't know if I could handle it. I would be devastated. If you want to talk to me more about this, I am all ears. I hope I have been of some help. I wish you the best.

[Cadence308]

You are NOT being unreasonable to expect 100% from your gf. It is her ex and they were intimate on every level so it seems reasonable that you are jealous. Your gf is going beyond the boundaries of just being nice to her ex. She wants her to move in with you two. It seems like your gf is more concerned about her relationship with her ex than her relationship with you. I would be jealous, pissed off, and hurt.

 

I would not let her gf move in with you. Have you ever heard one is single, two is company, and three is a crowd? I would tell your ex that she is going beyond the boundaries of being nice to her ex. That where her ex lives should no longer concern her and if it does then she has some unresolved issues with that relationship. If her ex moves in with you two that is just asking for trouble and for them to get closer and more intimate.

 

It sounds like you don't want to end things with your gf. It sounds like she is in love with you. Have you two thought about couples counseling? Just a thought. In my opinion, it sounds reasonable to ask your gf to have no contact with her ex. That is what is controlling and ruining your relationship with her. You are unable to achieve the level of intimacy in your relationship because the ex is still in the pic. However, it also sounds like neither your gf or her ex is over with each other.

[dakota1]

My hands are shaking as I type this. To finally have some feedback and support is overwhelming. Thank you.

My partner is the most wonderful woman I've ever known. She has brought me to life in the past 18 months. If she didn't love and care about her ex, the woman she married before friends and family, she wouldn't be the woman I've know all my adult life. She warned me before I moved here, that she would always care about her ex and her step-kids. I don't think she realized how difficult this would be. We seem to be struggling thru the same mire, but not talking about it.

Her ex has always known of me. My partner has always been honest about the bond we share, and wouldn't marry with a lie. I know she feels such responsibility because she rescued her ex from an abusive relationship. Now she has abandoned her for her much younger "dream". I can understand her guilt and pain, but why go thru all the pain if we can't be happy anyway.

I know she wouldn't really ask me to live as all three together, but it's the fact that she said it at all. The fact that "we" lack something which she gets from her ex. I hate it.

Although to everyone including the ex, it looks like I won, I feel like I've lost. I love our home, our life, our time. I just feel cheated. A physical affair would be completely different to deal with. This emotional cheating has devastated me.

Thank you, justsweetgirl, reading your response feels like I'm reading my partners heart. I know she doesn't want to cause me pain.

Thank you for listening, it really helps.

[Aschleigh]

Please remember that it is necessary to create your own boundries for yourself and your relationship.

You have to take care of yourself first. Wheather this relationship works or does not what do you need to be ok, to live with yourself.

Then what kind of relationship do you want? A monogamous one apperently. physically and emotionally monogamous.

Then you have every right to tell your partner what your needs are.

And to set appropriate boundries.

What I've heard is " How you deal with the issue IS the issue"

Honest communication, no secrets, Everything out on the table, dealing with boundries. It's perhaps a long road. Good Luck.

[Tigris]

You need to sit down and talk truthfully to each other. You've got to communicate or you're going to end up in a relationship that's not going to work.

 

Whatever you do DON'T agree to let her ex move in with you. If you do agree then you might as well pack your bags now and leave! She's got to make a choice she can't sit on the fence in the middle. Does she want a child with you or does she want to go back to her ex. Make it clear she can't have both!

 

Good luck