Betrayed or not?

[Rachel22]

I met this guy June 2016 through a dating site - he lives in NY and I live in Ohio. We hit it off really well. Almost too well. We both shared the same ethnicity which made it even better. At the time, he was going through a bad divorce due to his wife of 5 yrs cheating on him more than once with the same guy. There was definitely a physical attraction between us. But more importantly, a close friendship. Months after his divorce I went to visit him. Let's just say we hit it off even better. It brought us much closer. Things got really strange after I returned to Ohio. He put up this huge wall. So I left him alone. We went on as usual, him contacting me on a regular basis. Then this past February he disclosed to how difficult it was for him when I left. He missed me so much that it hurt. He said the loss was too much to bare and he wasn't sure if he could do it again. Seeing me again would only make things more complicated. We talked about whether we could be just friends. He told me that he had lost 2 very close friends because they became romantically involved. He never spoke to either one of them. I meant too much to him to risk losing me altogether if we were to give it a shot at romance. After this we remained very close with a little flirtation and weak moments where our feelings for one another couldn't be ignored. I think I had the harder time with it. But it wasn't so bad bc the closeness never changed. In fact we grew even closer. I knew he would always be there no matter what happened. I questioned how our friendship would change if either one of us found a partner. His response was that I was a permanent and very important person in his life. I was his best friend and the closest he had ever come to truly caring for someone. Well, things went well. I gave up on the fact that we were just friends and would never grow into anything romantic - bff's. I was open about dating other guys. Which he seemed to not mind except for the occasional, "be careful with that one" or "if he says he loves you too quickly, he's after only one thing" speech. He was open about dating. But he wasn't quite ready for that. Yet he was lonely. Which I understood. So here we are going about our business, growing closer and learning more and more about one another. My feelings for him were there. But I pushed them to the side. Then this past summer, almost a year from meeting, he goes to see his family overseas. He called me from the NYC airport prior to leaving and left the sweetest message to say goodbye. He would find some way for us to communicate. Well....he did. And we did almost everyday. He said that every woman he saw that looked like me was a reminder of me. So what does he do? Starts getting romantic with me again. I was reluctant and thought it was only bc he was in our ancestral country. It would be natural for me to enter his mind. We toyed with the idea of me traveling to NY this fall. He missed me so much.

When he returned, we continued to talk about arranging something or where we could possibly meet in between or he come to Ohio. Then he put the wall up again. He was afraid if I came there that things would get complicated. He was not in a healthy place to even have a relationship with me. If we did, it would only destroy all we had gained. It was better to be friends. Anyway, this is getting long. So I'll wrap it up.

A month ago he tells me he lied about going out on dates. He wasn't ready to tell me bc he knew I had feelings for him and it might hurt me too badly. He was afraid I wouldn't want to be his friend bc of being hurt. I was mad. Not because he was going out on dates. But bc he lied after I was open about going out with other guys. It almost sounded like I was the only one with the feelings. Which would be bs. He also didn't want to talk about it with me because it seemed wrong knowing I had feelings. He even said he loved me deeply. Whaaat? Then a week later I noticed he was different with me - not as gentle or sweet. So I asked if he had met anybody interesting. He said he had been seeing someone he met on a dating site. I told him it was great that he had found someone. I was happy for him. His response was that they weren't that close. Nothing near to as close as we were. Anyway, since then, I have lost that trust we established. He has been treating me differently than he ever did. I knew him to be with me in the way he was from the moment we met. He promised we'd always be best friends. But everything he has said for over a year now - how important I was to him, how I was the only one he could count on, etc... Now I feel betrayed bc he took those little things away from our close friendship making it into nothing but acquaintances. So now it seems I have been replaced with a stranger. So much invested. For what? It didn't take romance to destroy our friendship. It seems to have been ruined and brought to an end by betrayal. I am beyond devastation and pain right now. Am I wrong to think I was wronged? This was a person who I could count on and he wanted to be that person. I feel used and hurt. I miss what we had and cannot understand why he'd do this. I just want my best friend back. I almost want to implement the 'No Contact Rule' so that he realizes what he's lost.

[AvaD21]

Implement NC but not for his benefit, for yours. You can't hold out hope because you could be in for a world of pain. Heal and move on x

[SherrySher]

His reasoning for lying to you, seems really unfair. He said he was trying to spare your feelings, but you weren't a couple, and as a friend, he should have been honest with you.

Honesty is vital for both friendships and relationships.

There's others issues going on here, but that's the bottom line. Friends don't lie to one another, for any reason.

[Wiseman2]

Long distance and still married are red flags. Unfortunately he broke up with the "not ready for a relationship but we can be friends" excuse. He wants someone to hold his hand/chat while he transitions from married to divorced to single.

 

You need to block him and go no contact and move on so you can focus on realistic available men. This guy was just stringing you along, so watch out for that in the future.

 

It would be much better to get back on the dating apps and find single local men.

he was going through a bad divorce. I went to visit him. I meant too much to him to risk losing me altogether if we were to give it a shot at romance.

[SherrySher]

I also wanted to say too that I feel like he was not fair to you based on the fact that he could have been with you, in every way possibly. LD's are tough, but if you meant to him what he pretended you did, he would have never let you go, and it would have hurt him greatly to hear you with other men. Instead, he strung you along and wanted someone he could turn to when he didn't have any other woman around, but didn't actually want you. That's not a best friend, that's someone who will use you for company when they don't have a lot of options and then toss you when someone else comes along. He is messing with your emotions and the lying bit just shows how good of a "friend" he really is.

I know it hurts but you would be doing yourself a favour by moving away from him emotionally and to not keep fooling yourself that it might be love or that he will finally see your worth. It would have happened by now if he really did feel that way.

[Rachel22]

His reasoning for lying to you, seems really unfair. He said he was trying to spare your feelings, but you weren't a couple, and as a friend, he should have been honest with you.

Honesty is vital for both friendships and relationships.

There's others issues going on here, but that's the bottom line. Friends don't lie to one another, for any reason.

So why spare my feelings if he didn't view us as anything more than friends. It makes no sense. From the beginning he promised that he'd always be honest with me and me with him, even if it hurt. This time when I asked him to promise me that he'd be honest no matter if it hurt, he said, "well I've already failed at that". Ok. So..... What does that mean? You can't do better the next time around?

[Rachel22]

Long distance and still married are red flags. Unfortunately he broke up with the "not ready for a relationship but we can be friends" excuse. He wants someone to hold his hand/chat while he transitions from married to divorced to single.

 

You need to block him and go no contact and move on so you can focus on realistic available men. This guy was just stringing you along, so watch out for that in the future.

 

It would be much better to get back on the dating apps and find single local men.

Wiseman2, he was still married when we met. But the divorce was finalized a month later. So he has been single for a year now.

I'm not sure what you mean by "he broke up with the 'not ready for a relationship but we can be friends' excuse?

[Rachel22]

Implement NC but not for his benefit, for yours. You can't hold out hope because you could be in for a world of pain. Heal and move on x

I completely agree, AvaD21. I need the NC for my own sanity. Also because partly I don't trust him at all. I almost have a feeling of repulsion toward him. Like he is 2 different ppl.

[Rachel22]

Exactly! I thought that he could have been with me because of how much I meant to him or see a future. However, I really don't believe he was pretending. In fact he said he was torn between getting involved with me and wanting to be free. We had countless conversations about how things were between us and how much we meant to one another. I think something else has happened here. Maybe he fell for this other girl and now feels guilty for saying he didn't want a relationship period. Maybe this girl changed his mind. So all and all, I truly meant nothing to him.

[Rachel22]

I also wanted to say too that I feel like he was not fair to you based on the fact that he could have been with you, in every way possibly. LD's are tough, but if you meant to him what he pretended you did, he would have never let you go, and it would have hurt him greatly to hear you with other men. Instead, he strung you along and wanted someone he could turn to when he didn't have any other woman around, but didn't actually want you. That's not a best friend, that's someone who will use you for company when they don't have a lot of options and then toss you when someone else comes along. He is messing with your emotions and the lying bit just shows how good of a "friend" he really is.

I know it hurts but you would be doing yourself a favour by moving away from him emotionally and to not keep fooling yourself that it might be love or that he will finally see your worth. It would have happened by now if he really did feel that way.

Exactly! I thought that he could have been with me because of how much I meant to him or see a future. However, I really don't believe he was pretending. In fact he said he was torn between getting involved with me and wanting to be free. We had countless conversations about how things were between us and how much we meant to one another. I think something else has happened here. Maybe he fell for this other girl and now feels guilty for saying he didn't want a relationship period. Maybe this girl changed his mind. So all and all, I truly meant nothing to him.