Getting Bad Again

[ClaireDarling]

I've been contemplating writing my feelings down. I usually end up crying and the ink runs and it's a mess and I just never finish, so maybe this will be better. Maybe this time I'll keep it up.

 

I don't understand why I can't be happy. I smile all the time. I laugh. I wake up and go to class and to work and I guess everyone thinks I'm fine, but the way I feel inside is awful. It's a constant pain that won't go away. I wake up with panic attacks. I cry myself to sleep. I look to other people to make me happy and when they disappoint and disappear (which they always do) I crash and burn.

 

I love feeling. I love feeling like I'm wanted or desired. I guess that's because it's not something I'm used to. It's not something I even encountered until I was 21. I had friends, I ruined all of those friendships because at the time I wasn't aware I had anxiety and depression. So I went from a great group of friends to absolutely no one. I transferred universities, basically went downhill FAST and contemplated suicide more than once. This whole time, no friends, no personal relationships. There were times I would go days without speaking to a soul because I had no one to talk to.

 

Fast forward to 21, I lost my virginity and that feeling of having someone look at you like a princess, even if it's for a little bit became addicting. But I wanted emotions and feelings while the guys only wanted sex. I wanted hand holding and cuddling when they just wanted to leave after. And I keep thinking it will be different, but it never is.

 

This year has been full of those disappointments. I make friends, I lose friends. And each time it takes a piece out of me. A month ago I became friends with a guy, after a few lunch meetings, he decided he was too busy for friends and just stopped talking to me cold turkey.

Then another guy, same thing.

Then this past week I found someone who kind of broke all of those stereotypes and all of a sudden he's too "broken" to be with me. He's younger and he claims that I'm a queen and I deserve to be treated as such and that I deserve someone who knows what they're doing with their life and someone who doesn't have to answer to anyone. And he's planting these little bits of hope and taking them away almost within the same breath.

The last thing I heard was this, "let me figure myself out...please. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you, wanting you, missing you because I do. Don't leave me alone. Stay in my life please. I just can't be more than friends right now until I find myself again."

 

I tried to take a step back, and start taking care of myself by taking my medicine to reduce anxiety and hopefully help with this depression, but apparently I can't get a refill until I make a doctors appointment. And unfortunately with my current financial situation, I can't even make an appoint until I don't know when. So I can't even fix this stupid chemical imbalance to at least make myself feel better because I can't afford a 10 minute check up with my doctor.

 

I feel like I'm drowning and that I'm going back to where I was a year and a half ago when I ended up in the hospital for a week after having a full on mental breakdown. I'm trying to see the bright side, but it's so hard. I'm really trying.