Questions about husband's reason for returning

[egirl2005]

Hi:

 

Please bare with me as I have never done this before. My husband of 13 years told me 19 days ago that he has been having an affair for 4 months.

He says he did not go looking for this, but that he was the pursurer.

 

In the 19 days since he told me he has told me he has still been in contact with this person, has told me he loves her and is not ready to give her up. He has been cold to me, angry with me and distant while still maintaining that he loves me and our young son. I told him that I would be willing to work on our marriage if he ended the affair but that he could not stay in our home until he did.

 

This is all very abbreviated, there have been many fights, some calm periods and this past Sunday he told me he wanted to save our marriage and that he was going to see her to end it. I told him fine even though I was uncomfortable with him seeing her. He left for 3.5 hours came home, had dinner and we put our son down. He then told me he couldn't do it that he had just driven around for all that time. It was then I told him to leave.

 

On Tuesday I spoke to him and in the morning he told me he wants to come home. I asked him if he had ended it and he said no. I told him he could not come home. I told him that I wanted to speak with him outside our home and we agree to Wednesday night (tonight) he also told me he had ended it. My problem is that he also told me he was at work all day, in an evening meeting from 4:30 to 11:00 pm and in a meeting this morning. So when did he end it. This woman is 8 years older then me and has 3 children.

 

How do I know if my husband is returning because he really wants me and not because he doesn't want to lose the house and our son. I really can't see him trying to improve the situation and I am really tired of being second to everything in his life. I don't believe anything he says anymore and he can't seem to understand that it's going to be that way for a while.

 

My questions is how do you know they are there for the right reasons?

 

Part of me just wants to walk away but I have to think of my son.

[Beec]

Well, I think the first question you must ask yourself is this: can you forgive him. If he comes back, and remains faithful from here on out, and works on things, and does all you could ask, will you be able to forgive him and put this behind you. If you can't do that, then end it.

 

If you can, then talk to him. His first thing he needs to understand is that you don't trust him and you will not for quite some time. When you will is something you don't know. But you also need to get there eventually. Until then, he needs to be ready to show he is trustworthy. He needs to demonstrate it, becuase you are one who has been burned and is being asked to trust again.

 

Those are points to start with.

 

But you also need to get to the other issues, like why did this occur. While he did and is to blame, he also probably was missing something in your relationship. What and how do you see that he gets it? What were you missing? etc.

[Day_Walker]

Since you want to the good of your son into consideration, would it really be a good thing for him to see his father living with his mother and there is no kind of love in the relationship, instead the father is just there because he doesnt want to lose certain things. If you determine that your husband just wants to be there for the sake of certain things then in the best interest of yourself AND your son you should leave the situation. This is something that you are going to have to determine for yourself, its not going to be easy but it needs to be done.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I feel so bad for you. I cannot imagine what this must be like and my heart goes out to you. I have a relative who has been in your situation, as well as a friend who is in the other woman's position. So, I have seen this from both sides. Either way it's not a good place to be.

 

I don't know if my advice will be any good but here it goes: Don't threaten him with taking away anything. Let him know that you will be fair to both of you if you get a divorce. In other words.. split 50/50...but you have a son that you have to look out for too. This way he leaves and he gets his share or he stays, but he is not there because he "has" to be there--afraid to lose it all in a messy divorce--he stays because he wants to.

 

Honestly, I don't see how you could ever trust him again. Especially when he is still lying to you. Everytime he walks out that door you will be wondering if he is going to see her... he has betrayed you and so far shows no remorse. Can you live like that?

 

Think about yourself and your future. You don't have to come second.

 

You can use this forum to vent all your pain and anger. We are here for you.

 

Good luck

[GettingOverIt]

Hey,

I think there are several things to think about:

 

1. Do you WANT to forgive him?

2. CAN you forgive him?

3. WHY does he want to come back?

 

On number 3, that is HUGE... And he needs to be totally honest with you and honest with himself about that. Why does he want to stay in this marriage? Since he is already out of the house, you actually have an advantage... Tell him that he needs to think long and hard about WHY he wants to come back.... If he comes back for the wrong reasons (no matter what he tells you his reasons are), he will not have addressed his main issues and they may creep up again. I know from experience....

[arwen]

Hey egirl,

 

I am sorry for your pain. I can't imagine what you must have gone through. Overall, I think sofar you have handled things the best way that you could (for example by sending him away when he fessed up he didn't break up with the other woman).

 

It's a difficult issue, to judge in these cases what is best for a child. I don't have kids, and my parents are married unbelievably happy. However, I have seen many friends going through the divorces of their parents. I think if there is no love in the marriage left, and staying together would result in endless fighting or coldness, it's better to leave him and start over. Doesn't mean your child won't be with his father, of course.

 

I agree with muneca, I think threatening to take his son away from you is certainly not an option. Do what's best given the situation. It's easy to say a child needs a complete family. I think it's worse for a child to witness his mother being unhappy.

 

The parents of one of my friends are really on the verge of divorce for a long time. Instead of leaving, there is a bitter silence now in that home.

 

I don't know what to tell you any more that I feel for you, and hope will get more hopeful (either way) in the near future.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.