We broke up twice. Is there any chance of reconciliation? He is very stubborn.

[Rebeca]

I had a 2 years old relationship with this guy. We are both 19 years olds and this was our first serious relationship. He dumped me 4 months ago and listed to me reasons that I am not quite agreeing with. At first I tried to talk to him, explain to him nicely my point of view but he kept telling me things that made me feel like I was the only one to be blamed for the downfall of the relationship. Such as that I don't inspire him anymore, that I do not motivate him, that I do not push his "hot buttons", that he didn't feel like he was growing in the relationship with me and that he didn't feel productive with me in the relationship. I found all of this complete bull because I always, always encouraged him to follow his hobbies and dreams , I wasn't needy nor clingy, I tried to introduce new activities, I wasn’t holding him back from anything. Sure, I was busy too because I was studying for my own important exams towards the end of my senior highschool year. Anyway, I don't say that I was perfect but I found it very insulting for him to say those things to me.

 

I got mad and I told him that he was selfish and several other mean things. And I started immediately to feel very guilty because after all, he had his reasons and I should have respected them.He got more upset at me that I didn't reacted like a "mature person".

 

After one month he came back to me pleading and begging me to take him back. He said that he still believed we had problems but that he made a mistake and promised me nice things. It didn't last long, though. We got into a fight, he said mean things to me, I got upset and broke up with him but I regretted it the next day because I thought I over reacted and maybe he was sorry after all. At this point my mother got involved and called his mother to ask her what the hell is wrong with him because she saw me very upset and crying. I didn't know that and I sure wouldn't want her to stick her nose in this business. The point is, my boyfriend again got mad at me and said to me that I always "put the guilt on his shoulders" and that it wasn't nice that his mother knew just "one side of the story".

 

I don't know, man. I almost dare to say the same thing about him. I always apologize to him in the end because he's making me feeling guilty but he rarely does the same with me. And the way he treated me after we got back together, wasn't nice. Still, I tried to maintain my composure but he got very aggressive in the argument and I sort of panicked and broke it down.

 

It hurts because I forgave him for the breakup ( I sincerely think that beside those reasons, he just wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side). But he can't forgive me for the breakup I have initiated.

 

I don't really know why I want him back. He hurt me and his attitude wasn't right. He doesn't recognize his fault in this breakup. But I still love him so much. And I feel like whatever I do, he sees it wrong.

 

We both blame and accuse each other of the same thing. The difference is that after the fight I end up feeling guilty and I apologize to him. I apologize for the mistakes I did (mainly what is he accusing me of) but he doesn't recognize his mistakes.

 

I feel bad that he feels I just want to blame him. He is mad at me because of it. Why can't he understand that all that I wanted was a little empathy? I apologized to him for my immaturity at times, I did say mild mean things to him out of anger. But he did too, in my opinion, in fact, even worse. He is convinced though that he always had our best interest in mind and because he broke up with me in a civilized and mature manner, I shouldn't have had the right to be that upset.

 

I want him back. What can I do? It's been 2 months since our last breakup. I feel guilty for not being the "wiser" person. Maybe that way I could have get to his heart.

 

 

Sorry in advance for my poor grammar. I am not a native english speaker.

[Wiseman2]

2 years is too long to say with someone since you were 17. He's basically telling you he needs to be single to grow and breathe and experience life. It has nothing to do with you.

I had a 2 years old relationship We are both 19. I do not push his "hot buttons", that he didn't feel like he was growing in the relationship with me and that he didn't feel productive with me in the relationship.

[Rebeca]

Then why did he come back? Isn't he thinking that he's hurting me by acting hot and cold?

[Wiseman2]

No. He's thinking "how do I get out of this without drama or hurting her?" Go no contact and block him, so you can heal and move on.

Isn't he thinking that he's hurting me by acting hot and cold?

[MissCanuck]

I agree that he said some pretty insulting things to you when he broke up with you the first time. There was certainly no need to dump it all on your shoulders, or to phrase it the way he did. But if you listen between the lines, the real problem is that he was looking to move on. He had outgrown the relationship and didn't want to be the bad guy, so he blamed it on you.

 

This most recent break-up is for the best. I know it hurts a lot now, but he was already gone when he broke it off the first time. He didn't give you any empathy because he simply didn't want to. In the end, this wasn't really about who is wrong or right. It's down the fact that he was no longer invested and wanted out. This is why he hasn't tried to come back now. Being the wiser or bigger person isn't relevant when one person has already checked out, unfortunately.

 

Wiseman2 is right. At your ages, relationships are almost never permanent. I realize this doesn't help you feel any better now, but in time, you will see that as you both grew and matured, you were headed in different directions. Our first loves teach us many things but they rarely wind up being the last relationship we ever have.

 

And please tell your mom not to get involved in these situations, beyond being a support for you. I understand she is protective and upset that you were hurting, but she completely overstepped her boundaries by calling your ex's mom and chewing her out. I don't feel this ultimately changed the outcome of your break-up, but it could cause further problems in the future if she does something similar again.

[Edmund Exley]

Then why did he come back? Isn't he thinking that he's hurting me by acting hot and cold?

 

Because he is selfish and doesn't care that he hurts you.

 

When someone dumps you, let them go.

[Rebeca]

Thank you all of you for your answers. One more question...is it possible in the future to get together with an ex from your teens? maybe we have to do some growing up. I just...I think I put him on a pedestal and I think he's better than me in so many ways. Maybe that is the reason I often think he's right that I am the one to be blamed. I trusted his judgement so much in the past and it is difficult for me to accept that he has done this to me. Maybe I have some problems with my self-esteem too.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe he'll grow up, sow his oats whatever, but don't put your life on hold or wait. Date, enjoy your freedom and all the other things out there. If you happen to be available in the future and he is, then see what happens.

[Edmund Exley]

Thank you all of you for your answers. One more question...is it possible in the future to get together with an ex from your teens? maybe we have to do some growing up. I just...I think I put him on a pedestal and I think he's better than me in so many ways. Maybe that is the reason I often think he's right that I am the one to be blamed. I trusted his judgement so much in the past and it is difficult for me to accept that he has done this to me. Maybe I have some problems with my self-esteem too.

 

One day you will be glad you didnt get back together with this guy. You are young and there is a whole world ahead of you. Do yourself one favor and dont allow guys to walk on you. Always know your worth.