What to do now..

[MiMiSparkle]

I appreciate the honesty. Truly. I realize i cant change him. I feel that if i am more assertive in myself and put my needs first it may trigger stronger responses from him. Therefore i can see it clearer, and act accordingly along side help and insight from my therapist.

With my ex, i was much less of a 'pushover' which i think caused a lot of the physical abuse. Then, i was more able to see that it was very wrong and pushed myself to leave.

Right now, my life revolves around not setting off my husbands temper. Which, however uncomfortable it may be, im going to refuse to play along.

 

Thanks again for all the advice. As unsettling as all this was to read, i feel i gained a bit of clarity on my next steps.

[Hermes]

As Qwaspolka said:

 

"He is abusive. 100%. You know it. You just don't want to admit. You're being proud and stubborn."

 

You say OP:

 

Right now, my life revolves around not setting off my husbands temper.

 

It's called walking on eggshells.

 

Why are you doing this?

[MiMiSparkle]

As Qwaspolka said:

 

"He is abusive. 100%. You know it. You just don't want to admit. You're being proud and stubborn."

 

You say OP:

 

Right now, my life revolves around not setting off my husbands temper.

 

It's called walking on eggshells.

 

Why are you doing this?

To be honest, i had no idea i was even doing it. I mean, i know that he has a temper and i would do my best to avoid it.. but until now it has just felt normal and the correct thing to do. That this was just his personality and that i should accept that.

Now i see that its very wrong.. im not going to do it.

[MiMiSparkle]

Well the number for therapy my doctor gave me was nothing but a lady showing me groups for depression. Ugh... not sure where to turn now

[Hermes]

Look up the website for the Professional Association for therapists and Psychologists in your country.

 

They will have a list of therapists for every area. If you are in the U.S. look up the APA website.

[Hermes]

Here is the website

 

 

[MiMiSparkle]

Look up the website for the Professional Association for therapists and Psychologists in your country.

 

They will have a list of therapists for every area. If you are in the U.S. look up the APA website.

Thanks. I did but their sessions cost around $200 a go. No insurance and thats not in ny budget.

I just moved across province here (Canada) and where i used to live, therapy was free with referral.. so im going to go back to the doctors to talk about whether thats an option again.

[Hermes]

Here's the one in your own country, Canad

 

 

 

and here are the links for the Provincial and Territorial Associations.

[MiMiSparkle]

Here's the one in your own country, Canad

 

 

 

and here are the links for the Provincial and Territorial Associations.

Thank you! I have an appointment in december and looking forward to it!

Really appreciate all the advice given here. Hopefully our life starts to improve asap.

[Hermes]

Your life, Mimi, YOUR life!!

[Wiseman2]

You've contacted domestic violence agencies before to inquire about help, right? Also you are out of the house so you can research divorce, abusive relationships, and do some information gathering for both deciding what to do and getting your ducks in a row.

Well the number for therapy my doctor gave me was nothing but a lady showing me groups for depression. Ugh... not sure where to turn now

[MiMiSparkle]

You've contacted domestic violence agencies before to inquire about help, right? Also you are out of the house so you can research divorce, abusive relationships, and do some information gathering for both deciding what to do and getting your ducks in a row.

No not really. Victim services were called by a few people and when they had a case they arrested my ex. I was just subpoenaed to court to give a statement and testify.

I did go through counselling through victim services .. but do not want to go through that route again.

I have researched emotional abuse though and it all fits the bill.. so will look up maybe a confidential line to talk to somebody further.

Thanks

[MiMiSparkle]

The past week has been hell. Since learning that i may be in a abusive relationship and this isnt just an angry man who has no control.. i have found myself less able to make excuses for his behaviour and take his crap.

This has caused some arguing and angry episodes.

 

Including him smashing his phone by throwing it at my leg.. telling me he doesnt want to work aymore. That i need to go to work because he deserves a break now since he worked the past 2 months.

I told him i needed him to leave because i needed space. He refused and said if he leaves he is taking our oldest son. He is only 2 and im absolutely terrified he will take him.

 

I messaged his parents to let them know that he is very angry at the moment and letting the debts pile up. So they are on board ... but i havent disclosed everything to them as i dont want to cause too much trouble.

 

He did book a doctors appointment for this thursday...

 

I feel like he fits the bill of a sociopath. The more i read.. every single post that comes up about sociopathy is him 100%. Im a little scared.

[Hermes]

Mimi.

 

Stop wasting time researching about sociopathy. and it is entirely beside the point whether he is going to see a doctor or not.

 

You need to see a lawyer. at once!

 

Why on earth are you messaging his parents? No, he is not "very angry" he is very abusive and possibly dangerous.

 

Please go see that lawyer now!

[MiMiSparkle]

I messaged his parents because i am trying to feel not so alone in this situation. I tried to sit down and talk with my mother and confide in my sister about the situation i am in and they said that i am overreacting. That i need to give him a break and not be so hard on him.

Im living with my mother, so this is the roof over my childrens head for the time being. I do not want to mess this up for me and my kids.

If i make the decision that i need to leave asap, it will cause a comotion. The police will have to be called. He has made that clear. I dont know what my parents will think of this.. if they make me leave too i will be homeless with 3 children. I need to be smart and not act in such a bold manner.

His parents are the only people around that know what hes like. They have discussed with me before that his issues in life have stopped him from functioning. They have been great support and i dont feel so alone.

 

Im currently looking for work so that i can at least support my children and preparing to be a single mother.

 

Im terrified to push forward with the breakup. Its going to cause hell

[Hermes]

Mimi.

 

I don't believe you have read one word of the good advice the posters here have given you.

 

Why would the police have to be called? (Is this person also living with you under your mother's roof?) I take it that he is.

 

You are in such a place of utter confusion that it is sad to read about your plight.

 

If you see a lawyer, s/he will advise you on child support and what your rights are and aren't.

Why would you be homeless?

 

Obviously your mother is not in touch with reality, so there is no point consulting with her.

 

Please seek advice and please phone the hotlines which were spelt out to you in previous posts. Being terrified is no place to be. Bad for you and bad for the children.

[MiMiSparkle]

If i speak to legal aid. (I cannot afford a lawyer) they will put me through CME, if he hasnt paid his ex for 2 years. Why would he pay me now.. it will be a long time to see any payments from him. If he ever keeps a job that is.

My parents will most likely ask me to leave for making such a rash decision, therefore will leave me without a home. Or in a womans shelter etc.

The police will have to be called to get him to leave. He will not leave voluntarily.

I will have to claim single to get any type of support financially/daycare etc and that takes 3 months.

Its not as cut and dry as leaving today, being free tomorrow.

[MiMiSparkle]

I can call a hotline. They will tell me i need to leave, call victim services etc. I went that route with my ex and it was a mess. A long drawn out mess that caused a near breakdown. I am not strong enough to go that route again.

[qwaspolk82]

Your family is nuts. Sorry. But your mother and sister are absolutely naïve if they don't believe you. Why would you even want to stay there if they don't trust you or believe you?

 

Don't worry about child support and all that right now. Just go to a lawyer and get the ball rolling BEFORE he does. If he does it first, he might get custody. Yeah he probably will never ever pay you child support. So what? My ex has four kids with three women - and owes $11000 something for all four. I've gotten barely $300 out of him in the last year. I don't depend on his support because he gives none. If I ever get it, bonus for my daughter. He owes me that, half of daycare for the last year and a half, and half of unreimbursed medical. I'm lucky I'm in the military or I'd be screwed with medical.

 

I know it's hard to leave but you can do it. You did it once. If you have to stay in a shelter for a short time, so be it. At least you're safe and your kids are safe. I had to stay in a shelter one night with my daughter and I hated it yes. But better than staying at the apartment with him after I had my leadership and two cops with me.

 

Be prepared - as long as you two are married he has equal rights to your kid(s). He also does not have to let you take the kid and you can't stop him from taking the kid either unfortunately. That's how most states operate. So the sooner you file for divorce the better.

 

The police cannot make him leave unless you get a protection order that states you get the home and he has to leave. Otherwise you would have to go to court to evict him. But the police won't do anything if you call them UNLESS he has abused you or your child.

 

If your parents kick you and your child out because you left an abusive man then they are morons and you don't need to be near them. That's just mind boggling to me.

 

What do you mean "claim single" to get support financially? No it's not going to be easy to leave but the minute you leave you ARE free. You know you are free as soon as you leave. You already did this. Do you want a headache with paperwork or do you want to be in the hospital or six feet under from him?