strange but true ... i dont now what to do

[sawsan]

Hi. i am a 36 year old happily married woman, very beautiful, educated, intelligent. 3 years ago while chatting online i met a married men whose from my same background. he sounded a mature man so we started talking and it became a daily thing, next we started talking on the phone. we became so atached having cyber sex, talking about everythng, fighting, laughing, sharing. i sent him pictures of mine and i kept on doing while being careful my husband doenst notice anything. i was really honest, pleasant, nice, sweet, very loving, spoiling him. so he sent me picture of him. a while after and thru lots of ups and downs he decided tobreak up with me but he would never stop taling to me on a daily basis, non-stop, then he decided t go away with his family for a month and a half, and he said he will keep in touch. well he didnt and i started feeling better because i felt i was the one who was always giving to him and he was so controlling, however he already confessed of his love to me. when he came back from his vacation he admitted that the picture that he sent me wasnt his and that he lied about his age and that he would like to see me. i said ok and i was looking forward to see him. i realised later that he changed his mind and he never sent me a real picture of him. we are still talking he sees me on my web cam, we have sex on the phone, he knows he can get hold of me anytime he wants to but i cant. he never ever sent me a gift, he gets so moody he knows i am very vulnerable because he have much more control over the relationship than i do.... sometimes i wish i never see him again but as soon as he calls me i gave in. i am so addicted to him, we r not planning on seeing each other he lies about 40 miles away . i am very much into him emotionally, but when i get mad about something he seems like he doesnt care.... i am not looking to run my marriage , however i like this guy and i like whats going on, but it seems he doesnt put the effort that i put. he knows my numbers, so much about me and i trsut him, he never hurt me ever, but hes never willing to do anything for me. again i dont want much more than what im getting from him, i want him to realize that he have been taking me for granted, and i want him to realize what wil he loose if i disappear and i never answer his calls. lately he have been distant and indifferent and i told him esterday that i dont have anything to loose if i quit talking to him because i am the one wh si always giving more than he is. his answer was thats fine. i know he wil try to call me today. what should i do. i have been the best and i have put up with a lot for him and i made him a priority. i dont want to loose him i want him to realize what he got and what can he loose if he doesnt change his attitude with me .. please reply, ill nswer any questions and il apprecaite any feedback. thank you.

by the way its hard not to pick up the phone and talk to him, i feel so weak and he knows that. but is it worth trying and what do u think he will react like.

[chai714]

i am not looking to run my marriage , however i like this guy and i like whats going on, but it seems he doesnt put the effort that i put.

 

You say you're not looking to ruin your marriage...if you're not ruining it right now, what exactly are you doing? Have you ever stopped to listen to what you wrote? A guy you've never met "broke up" with you? Is this possible? Please re-read your post and tell me how you're trying NOT to ruin your marriage.

[DN]

Apart from having actual sex with this guy you are cheating on your husband in every other way with a man who is cheating in the same way on his wife - and probably with other women as well. He is playing you - but you are letting him. Nobody here can know what he is thinking - he is a liar and a cheat - people like that are capable saying or doing anything to get what they want. If he told me it was raining, I would look out of the window to verify his statement.

 

I can't see how you can possibly be happily married and act this way. Chances are your husband would not feel very happy if he knew. You should apply some of the education and intelligence you say you have to analyse your behaviour and decide whether you are behaving in any way honourably.

[sawsan]

obviusly i do have a relationship with this guy. i have been very careful not to let my husband find out anything i took all the precautions. now whether i like t or not i am very attached to this guy and i have gave in so much emotinally for him. hen he brakes up with me that means he ends what we were having going on. i m addicted to him, attached to him, but i am alays the one working on making things going smooth. i just dont know what to do anymore . it hurts not to keep on talking to him, but it hurts to feel that i am at his mercy too.....

[DN]

I can tell you what you should do - tell him to get lost and concentrate on your marriage vows.

[sawsan]

you guys are all making me cry, because if you really know how bad i want to get out of this you would feel bad for me. it is out of my control and he knows it and he knows every good thing about me. i trated him better than i treat my husband, but i dont have control over this. i feel i am so vulnerable. i get so depressed when he is fighting with me. he claims he loves me so much but he doesnt acte a fraction of how good i act with him. i have evrything that a man wants in a woman and he takes advantage and takes everything for granted becase i am always there for him but i cant say the same about him... i hurt so much.

[emma34]

Seek counselling. Obviously you have made this man more important that your husband. If you have any respect for your husband at all you will stop talking to this other man. Whether or not he has emotionally manipulated you, and you are 'addicted' - that does not make you a victim at all. You still have the power to do what is best - for all parties - focus all of this attention being a good WIFE.

[delmar]

Sweetie, you are spiraling and it won't be long before you start to lose control of your actions completely. Are you willing to run the risk of losing your husband to this fantasy relationship? It isn't real. Look at it for what it is: a game, an escape. You say that you want nothing more than what he is willing to give you, but here you are armed with expectations you have of him. For your own sake, cut ties with this guy and think about what you are lacking in your marriage and are probably not getting, so that you can ask for it. Do it now, before it's too late.

[temperamental_taurus]

Sawsan - What you are having with this other man is called an "emotional affair" it IS considered a form of cheating to some people. I understand your pain, yes, addiction hurts - and some of the hardest things to do in life are the RIGHT things... BUT if you are happily married, why put your relationship with your husband at risk by continuing to keep in touch with someone that OBVIOUSLY is emotionally abusing you? Why do you feel like you deserve this treatment? Do WHATEVER you have to - change your phone number, block his number, cancel any current email addresses & get new ones - there ARE ways to prevent him from contacting you. You need to go NO CONTACT with this individual IMMEDIATELY and perhaps invest that time & energy on your husband.

[sawsan]

i want to have the strenght to be able to cut all ties with him.... i feel weak used vulnerable and i know i will be tempted and he knows how i feel. he knows that i am not able to move on even if i want to.. however i am also wondering that if i ever succeed on ignoring him wouldnt that make him want to get me back especially when he realizes that he cant use me anymore, that he doesnt have the prey that he used to have...

[DN]

I regret I am unable to sympathise but I honestly cannot. You control your own life and your own decisions. I have to say the only person I sympathise with is your husband - he thinks he has a loyal and loving wife - and he does not.

 

You say that you are addicted and can't help yourself. But why were you looking on the internet for this sort of relationship in the first place? You say you were chatting online - as soon as you started developing these feelings you should have remembered your husband and stopped.

 

Take control of your own life and stop retreating into victimhood to evade responsibility. You are not a lovesick adolescent, you are a grown-up. You say you are an intelligent and educated woman. Time to start living up to your claims.

[temperamental_taurus]

He will find someone else to abuse, they always do. and it kinda ticks me off that you claim you are happily married, so obviously you have a decent man in your life, and you are ABUSING him... when here I am, struggling in my relationship, wanting that happy UNION, which always seems to escape me - but if I EVER find it, I'll put everything I've got into it because I'll recognize the VALUE of what I have... I believe that we are all given a certain number of chances in this life, and if we screw them up, we may not ever have the opportunity to have something good again... So, knock it off with that other married guy, maybe talk to your husband about what's been going on and know that you ARE strong enough to conquer ANYTHING!!!

[BillyJean714]

I completely agree with DN and Chai. My words exactly! Realize who you're going to be hurting in the future: your husband. This is the man who you tied the knot with. He's the man that you should focus your emotions on, not the other guy. For all you know, he could be an 80 year old pervert, or a 18 year old horny teenager, (Well okay, maybe you can tell by his voice that he's not, but still, there is no way to tell how 'sane' this person is. He could even be an axe murderer). Cut him loose. Focus on your marriage. For goodness sakes, this is the reason why I am so paranoid about EVER getting married!

 

Save your husband and yourself the trouble, and move on. Plain and simple: This guy's not worth losing your marriage over! Good luck to you.

 

P.S.- You need to re-evaluate the reasons why you married your man. If something's missing, it's better to be honest with him and try to resolve things. If you don't find that emotional satisfaction in your marriage, then give it another chance, and if all else fails, divorce. Once you divorce, that's the 'right' time to get to know someone new, not now. Remember that one simple word: Karma.

[sawsan]

i have a great husband and i cant tell him what i have been doing for the last 3 and a half years. i do wanna move on nd feel like all this was just a nightmare, however i know he will find way to play my feelings again. i wih i know what to expect once i start ignoring his calls so i can be prepared.......manipulative men of his kin will move on as well or will he attempt to reaching me and talking to me ...........

[DN]

Do not open any message he sends, if he send it under another name, ignoe it. You must assert control and be strong enough to resist answering. The final message you send him should tell him never to contact you again.

[lady00]

I'm sorry you're so upset. I don't think anyone here is trying to make you more upset, they're just being honest with you. What you're doing isn't fair to your husband and the guy you're "seeing" on the side is hurting you...he's making you feel badly about yourself and you're losing self-control to him...you need to get that back. Only you should be in control of your life...don't let this guy control you. I think your best bet is to find a counselor or a therapist who can help you through this process...sometimes in life we can't go always go it alone...we need others to help us at at times when we feel week and vulnerable...i think this is one of those times. You can get the control back and hopefully refocus on your marriage...but you probably need help.

[Carthiana]

When you come to a forum like this, you gotta face the facts. We aren't required to sugar coat anything we have to say, or suggest. Sure, we are looking out for your best interests, but sometimes those interests are ones you have been ignoring, denying, forgetting. Truth catches up with you, as do your actions.

 

I really can't fathom how you can in one sentence feel bad as you mention you have been keeping this from your husband, and yet on the same hand then go ahead and type how you are addicted to this other person. The things you are telling yourself to keep you doing this and off your conscience, I can't even imagine what they are. My impression of what you are writing, it is as if you care nothing about your husband, and all about this other man. And if that was the case, why would we be surprised? You have it all and more, not only are you married, but you have a man on the side. So even if you lose this other man, you still have your husband. That is a HORRIBLE thought in my mind. Husband as your fall back guy?

 

Yes you are upset, I'm sure you are. You got yourself this far, on your OWN actions, your OWN choices and now we are holding you accountable for them. Sorry we aren't more sugary about our advice, maybe we think you need a dose of reality and realism before you destroy your 'back up' husband and really realize what it's like to lose it all.

 

Stop making excuses, kick your own -beep- into action if you have to, get over your self guilt, and get going. It's hard for people to feel bad for those that have their options in front of them, but sit there idling and not deciding and crying over that. Make the decision, and go! There will always be excuses to create, but there won't always be a great husband in your life to have with all you have done. Make your ammends, admit your faults, present your life to him, and if need be, have him help be your conscience when you are about to do the things that will destroy your and his life together.

[sawsan]

I don't know any of you guys, but I appreciate your replies and i understand the presumptions that some of you have towards me. However, I am here looking for help for support because i hate what happened to me, and i know that if I loose my husband i wil never have a chance like this before in my life. this guy have destroyed me emotionally and i kept thinking that one day he will appreciate how good i am. i feel i am in hole and im trying to get out. at least i am admitting i did something wrong, but again it is so hard to just move on after being with someone every day for the last 3 and half years. i do appreciate all the feed back and i pray to god who's watching me and knows me and knows what kind of a peson i really am to help me get out of this...

[sawsan]

and by the way when i asked him yesterday not to call me again his answer was "i can call and if you dont want to answer then just dont", and the reason he is saying this is because he knows i will be tempted to answer him once he calls. he didnt say please lets keep on talking or sure i respect your wishes, he just have to play my feelings always no matter what.

[lady00]

You need to make yourself strong enough to not answer when he calls. This relationship needs to end now. Don't answer if he calls. Change your number if you have to. You need to take charge here. You can help yourself but you need to take action.

[Carthiana]

I don't know any of you guys, but I appreciate your replies and i understand the presumptions that some of you have towards me. However, I am here looking for help for support because i hate what happened to me, and i know that if I loose my husband i wil never have a chance like this before in my life.

 

You are right, you won't have a chance like this. This should be your 'wake up' and get off your -bbb- message. We will help and support, but it won't all be a shoulder to cry on. It will be us, here, waiting, to hear that you have finally kicked your bad habit of communicating to this guy. And if you havn't, we will be arms crossed, unhappy and send you back to take care of it. You obviously havn't made it a priority yet, and you need to. We can't MAKE you do this, you need to do this on your own. Stop making excuses and DO IT!! Yes, words are easier than actions. But once you start to make actions, you'll find it will be easier behind you than lurking in front of you. We aren't sitting here telling you all of this over and over to repeat ourselves for the fun of it, but we don't think you are getting what we are saying either.

 

What happened to you is YOUR FAULT. You allowed yourself to become seduced and intrigued by this guy. It was YOUR action that allowed this, and only YOU can REVERSE IT! You claim you are happily married, but if you had been happy with your husband, there would have been no room to allow someone else to make you happy also.

 

You need your husbands help. You need to be honest and admit what you have done. Stop living this lie, stop protecting him. Yes he's going to be hurt, AS HE SHOULD BE. All this attention you have been showing this other guy YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHOWING YOUR HUSBAND!! Suck in your pride, bite your tongue, and be honest. Stop lying to him, and to yourself that you are in a position and situtation that you can't get yourself out of because it is 1. to horrible 2. to hard/difficult 3. because you can't split contact with this guy cause for X reason. The excuses have really got to stop. Be strong, even if you have to fake it. You have been faking happiness with your husband, I'm sure faking being strong and getting through this is a equally actable role compared to what you have been doing.

 

this guy have destroyed me emotionally and i kept thinking that one day he will appreciate how good i am. i feel i am in hole and im trying to get out.

 

He destroyed you emotionally because you let him have that power over you. Do you want to keep this up until this guy AND your husband leave you? This other guy has no ties to you. You are NOTHING TO HIM BUT A slave, something he can use, a toy, a puppet, a pet of sorts. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE TO HIM. He doesn't care, he doesn't love you (just loves your unending devotion to him for no reason), he doesn't put a roof over your head, or food on your table. He doesn't care if you get sick (unless it prevents him from contacting you at the precise moment he demands your attention). He doesn't care BECAUSE HE DOESN"T HAVE TO!!! He didn't say vows with you, devote his life to you as you have to him. He has his cake and he eats it too. Heck, he might even have a woman on the side that he would never tell you of, because he might lose the control over you if you realize he isn't devoted to you like you are to him. You are wasting feelings on someone who isn't wasting anything ON YOU AT ALL BECAUSE THEY DON"T HAVE TO! Do you enjoy being abused mentally and emotionally? Do you enjoy the fact that you go back to it willingly even when you tell us you hurt that you do it, but yet ...... YOU GO BACK? Yes, he'll always be there, ready to USE YOU AGAIN NO DOUBT... need you fulfill his need that serves you NOTHING? You are trash to him, plain and simple.

 

Now, re-read what I wrote above. Read it again, and again, and again. Still feel good about yourself, and your actions? No? GOOD!! First step, that is after admitting you have an issue and are ACTUALLY going to do something about it besides complain and cry. Actions speak louder than words. Don't tell us you are going to do X, JUST GO DO X and we'll believe you by what we see (or what you accomplish by doing X).

 

at least i am admitting i did something wrong, but again it is so hard to just move on after being with someone every day for the last 3 and half years.

 

Yes, admitting you have a problem is the only the FIRST of many steps to getting to the end. Admittal does not mean the issue is resolved.

 

And no 'but...', yes, its hard to move on. Yes its hard to be something/someone, BAD HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK, BUT IT MUST BE DONE!!! Stop giving your self 'buts', and just make it happen. Yes, you are in a bad cycle, SO BREAK THE CYCLE. Stop relying on it, stop wanting to be with this man, stop wanting to hear from him, just STOP!

 

It might not /seem/ that simple, but in all practicality, it really is THAT SIMPLE.

 

You promised your husband till death do you part, you promised him loyalty. It is time to make HIM the focus and the ONLY focus of your life, as you PROMISED so long ago. Time to make good on those promises, no matter how hard it is.

[sisterlynch]

It is time to put the past behind you. Answering the calls of the other man will just make him think that you still like him. I really think that you should tell your husband, of course it will not be easy for him to hear, but you owe him your respect, and that is the only way that he can earn your respect is by hearing how you have been feeling.

 

Go to counseling a few times, get your ideas, and your story straight, then bring him to counseling so that he can know what he has been missing these past 3 years.

[codaaurora]

It sounds to me that you not only need counselling but perhaps need to join a Addiction Anonymous group as well.

 

You really need to take a look at what you wrote, you don't want to ruin your marriage but you want this other guy to know what it is that he is loosing. This tells me that you don't want to loose this other guy. But yet you don't want to ruin your marriage. Do you see the catch?

 

I think you should go into therapy to learn why you are addicted to abusive relationships, to build your self confidence and self worth and to learn about healthy man/woman relationships.

 

I also think that you should have your numbers changed.

 

Good Luck.

[wonderingwillow]

Let me see now, Your happily married but having cyber sex with someone that is not your husband hmmmmmm. Why don't you reread your own post and tell me what's wrong with this picture.