hedgehog722 Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 This problem has just started to develop within the past three months. The problem is this: He thinks I don't listen to him. It makes him so upset and he blames me. He yells at me for not listening or acts sad that I didn't and it makes me feel awful and helpless. This can happen in a variety of ways: For example, sometimes he will say something to me. I will respond. Then he will have THOUGHT he said something. It could be he thought he said 3hours instead of 2hours or he said "me" instead of "you". It can be little things, or sometimes whole sentences. I know for a fact that he hasn't said these things. But he is convinced he did. So he thinks I didn't listen and flips out. Another way it can happen is by him misunderstanding me. For example, we were talking. He said a point about something technical. I responded in a way that added to his point, and I used technical terms. He didn't understand what I meant so he thought that I had just said something very similar to what he had just said. So he flipped out because he thought I didn't listen. When he flips out he never threatens to leave me. I know he won't/doesn't want to. But he blames me entirely and never gives me a chance to explain or to get to the root of the problem. I have tried to tell him "You misunderstood me!" but he won't try to understand HOW he misunderstood me. He is still convinced this isn't his fault. A couple can not function if they can't communicate and at such a basic level! I am also confused by all of this because it only just started happening about 3 months ago Link to comment
notalady Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 How long have you been together? I agree that if a couple can't communicate on such basic levels, the relationship is not going to work. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Meh, he is looking for reasons to get angry with you, in my opinion. What happens after you argue? Does he leave to cool off, or? If it keeps up, the relationship will end. Link to comment
rayfutz Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Apparently hes had a lot of experience with people not listening to him. Could be he is bad at communicating. Could be he is a jerk and people filter out what he says and don't listen very well. Could be he is a control freak and literally wants you to know exactly what he said and react/do it in the exact way. Any way you look at it, there is a communication issue here. If this happens now and then, I can say, this happens with everyone sometimes. But, if this is becoming an ongoing problem, and he is getting upset when you are at least trying, then the next time you see he is giving exact details or instructions, repeat them back to him word for word, and if he says no that's not right, then have him clarify, and repeat them back again word for word. So he knows you listened and understood. Eventually this in itself will piss him off probably. Good. Let it, and he will see one of three things: he needs to chill out, he needs to better communicate, or he will see he is not a good match for someone he is dating cause he cant communicate effectively, and admit when he said an inaccurate statement, like a man. That can be a good wake-up for him. Not much else you can do, but I would not live with this. Link to comment
hedgehog722 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 We have been together for about a year and 4 months. So I'm really confused as to why this just started about three months ago... Thank you for your help! Link to comment
hedgehog722 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 Thank you! I will try repeating details/instructions he says, I wouldn't have thought of that. Also after we fight he doesn't stomp off unless its really bad. Like if we argue for more than 20min then he will get fed up with all of it and just be alone for a little while. But he never threatens to leave me and I know that this problem would not make him leave me. He has told me a bunch of times that even if I don't listen and we keep having communication issues he will stay with me anyway. He says he doesn't care if it makes things unpleasant, he will not leave me. I just wish I could somehow convey to him that he truly misremembers stuff. He is in his mid 50's now. He has had a hard life. It pains me to say this but sometimes I think that his memory slips a little bit. But there's no way I could tell him that right?! And as I said, the problem has started three months ago, after we have been together for a year! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 How's his health? Was he ever a drinker or smoker? Does he use any medications? How's his hearing? Can he remember what others say or favorite tv shows, activities, etc or is it limited to communication with you? Everyone perceives and remembers things differently, so accusing him of misremebering will be pointless. What type of things do you think he doesn't understand? Are you a clear articulate calm speaker or very emotional? Like if we argue for more than 20min then he will get fed up with all of it and just be alone for a little while. I just wish I could somehow convey to him that He is in his mid 50's now.I think that his memory slips a little bit. the problem has started three months ago, after we have been together for a year! Link to comment
SkellyWoozle Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Does he need a hearing test maybe? X I suffer badly with Tinnitus and sometimes it drives me to distraction.... and people have accused me in the past of not listening/not concentrating. Link to comment
rayfutz Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 Honestly I was under the impression that he was in maybe late teens early twenties, the way he is handling an obvious issue. His memory is slipping, its totally normal, but he has to be aware of it first, then accept it and acknowledge it. This has to happen, or as he says himself, he does not care if its unpleasant for you.... meaning he might be very aware of it, but sorta denying it, and that is going to be miserable and degrading to you down the road. He has to acknowledge and accept his memory isn't as sharp as it once was. Again, totally normal and expected, but if he is in a relationship with a woman he loves and respects, he needs to go about this differently or its going to tear you down nu-necessairily. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 This too could be why the communication needs to be clear with regard to outside generation-related references. I am in an age-gap relationship im 20 hes 55 Link to comment
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