Why can't I stay away from this guy

[pippy longstocking]

And the more time I spend here the more I realise they're not so much of a rare breed as one might expect. Diana, you absolutely have to trust us on this one. Step away from this cretin and keep yourself safe X

 

trust the woozles ....we have lived it darling x

[Hermes]

Diana, you could go crazy yourself trying to understand the "crazy-making" individual.

 

You need help yourself to extricate yourself from this one, believe me.

 

You remarked:

 

"It's been so out of character for me to let something like this happen..."

 

You got trapped, Diana.

 

There is no actual profile of the type of person (prey) that this type of predator seeks out. They do prefer easy prey, someone vulnerable. But as a challenge they'll also home in on what seems like an independent strong type.

 

There is no telling, because these types do not follow any kind of rational pattern.

[SkellyWoozle]

4 Steps to Leave A Narcissist - Judith Orloff

 

On the surface narcissists can seem charming, intelligent, caring—knowing how to entice and lure their way back into your life. But once they reel you back then they revert to their egotistical selves. Their motto will always be “Me First!” Everything’s all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, crave admiration and attention. They can also be highly intuitive, but use their intuition for self-interest and manipulation.

 

In my psychiatric practice I’ve seen how hard it is for my patients to break up with a partner who’s a narcissist. Narcissists can make you fall in love with them so hard that it feels like you're giving up a part of your heart to leave them. And they use every manipulation in the book to get you to stay.

 

Narcissists are so dangerous because they lack empathy, have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Sadly, their hearts either haven’t developed or have been shut down due to early psychic trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, a crippling handicap both emotionally and spiritually. (The damage of narcissistic parenting is outstandingly detailed in Alice Miller’s Drama of the Gifted Child). Hard as it may be to comprehend, these people have little insight into their actions, nor do they regret them.

 

To find out if you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, ask yourself the following questions from my book on achieving emotional freedom.

 

QUIZ: HAVE I BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST?

 

•Does the person act as if life revolves around him?

•Do I have to compliment him to get his attention or approval?

•Does he constantly steer the conversation back to himself?

•Does he downplay my feelings or interests?

•If I disagree, does he become cold or withholding?

 

If you answer “yes” to one or two questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a narcissist. Responding “yes” to three or more questions suggests that a narcissist is violating your emotional freedom.

 

If you’re trying to break up with a narcissist, use these methods from my book, Emotional Freedom to get your power back.

 

Don’t Fall For Their Manipulations

 

They will use every trick in the book to get you back so be prepared. Narcissists are really convincing. When you are ready to leave, stick to your convictions and move on to a more positive future filled with real love.

 

Set Limits

 

Since narcissists have no empathy, nor can they really love, you must leave them cold turkey and endure the pain. Set limits and say "no" to them and in your heart. Then gather all your strength and keep walking into the unknown towards something better.

 

Focus on the Future

 

Once detached from a narcissist it is extremely important than you focus all your positive energy and thoughts on doing good things for yourself and the world. Don't let your mind wander to the past or to what he is doing.

 

Be Kind to Yourself

 

Treasure yourself. Be very kind to yourself and know that you deserve a loving relationship with someone who can reciprocate that love.My view on life is that every person we meet along the way, loving or not, is meant to help us grow. Do not beat yourself up for getting involved with a narcissist. But please learn what you can from it, including setting healthy boundaries and saying "no" to abuse, so you don't repeat this lesson again. It is very emotionally freeing to heal any attraction to abusive people so you can have more true love in your life.

 

[ParisPaulette]

2 year affair with a women for 2 years. He said he had broke it off with both of them and we hung out as friends which it ended up being more I ended up really falling for him a couple of months in I found him in bed with the girl he had an affair with

 

This was a gigantic red flag you ignored at your own peril. Doesn't matter how much you think you'll change them, that's a gigantic character flaw on his part you overlooked and continue to overlook. So stop doing that. He's a cheater, why on earth would you think he wants a monogamous sane relationship???

 

He is very emotionally abusive but then the kindest person and everything a women would want but it's all fake and I seem to believe it every time.

 

This called the cycle of abuse and it's addictive. Please read up on this, understand what is going on and WHY he is mean then nice when you pull back and what exactly it is you're looking at and involved in. He plays up on your hunger that maybe you've read him wrong, and no, no you haven't at all. It's an act and if you are self-aware enough to know then you are self-aware enough to get out of this.

 

How you get free is you sever all contact like a coyote chewing it's foot off to get out of a trap, because it IS a trap. BUT it's one you keep there when only you can get out of it, and that's the thing. You've handed the keys to your life and abdicated all responsibility for yourself and that's the larger problem. If you don't take the wheel of your own life you will always be the sad effect of someone else, because you let it be that way.

 

And go get some counseling and go take some assertiveness classes or some martial arts to learn to stand up for yourself and to develop healthy boundaries. These things will make you stronger if you choose to be so and do so. And I hope you do.

 

P.S. He is the way he is, because he's nuts okay? There isn't another reason, there doesn't need to be another reason. And whether that came about from his childhood or being overly catered to by indulgent parents or a brain injury or anyone of a billion other "reasons" the fact is he is not trustworthy and not sane, and you trying to apply your own logic and how you are to him won't work. He doesn't even have the same thought processes as you or normal people do and I know this, because I used to work in a profession helping people get free of abusive relationships. I can pretty much stand behind my assertion that someone abusive, mentally or physically, is NOT on the same page human-wise as the rest of us who aren't abusive.

 

Accept the person in front of you, this IS who he is and there is no sanity or logic there. None. Start learning to trust yourself and your own perceptions, because you have a right to do that and they are YOUR perceptions and YOUR feelings, not his. He doesn't get to have a higher say on how you should be than you do, not even close. This is why I say learn to stand up for yourself. One great book to read is Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men."

 

It should illuminate a few things for you and hopefully it'll give you enough tools and understanding of this to get out of it.

[Hermes]

Quite so, Paris. Well explained though I don't know if the OP is taking all this in.

 

Indeed a red flag.

 

"2 year affair with a women for 2 years. He said he had broke it off with both of them and we hung out as friends which it ended up being more I ended up really falling for him a couple of months in I found him in bed with the girl he had an affair with

 

 

Typical. Cruising back and forth between supply purveyors.

 

Glad to see this booked recommended again:

 

"Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men."

"

[Sarah Hummer]

Change your phone number and don't give him your new one, easy as that.

[ThatwasThen]

Does your work cover therapy sessions? Please look into it because this guy has you addicted to his science and us here telling you to stay away from him is not going to convince you to give up your drug of choice known as "emotionally abusive boyfriend."

 

You are literally wasting your life and all of your good dating years on this fool. You could be with a good man who is devoted to you and only you but instead you choose to ENABLE him to be the reprobate that he is. Find out with the help of a professional why you can't go cold turkey withdrawl and rehab from this mess you've found yourself in.

 

Harsh? Yes but you need a swift kick in the psyche to get you motivated to change your situation. Its time you realized that he will never change for you and unless you can learn to be happy being his part time lover then you need to change in order to get over him.

[Hollyj]

Change your number, and get some therapy

[Twalker]

Run. I think I was involved w same guy! Narcissistic. Like any other toxic addictive drug u must detox. There is self help literature u can read but the only way to be objective is to cleanse urself from him. No contact 60 days. Looking back to that chump I dated I am repulsed by him and now have higher standards. I'm not done w my journey but I'm being mind f'd or emotionally abused.

[Twalker]

Scary stuff You need to report this person if he won't leave you alone and there is no way of resolving it otherwise. Good luck X

 

Get a temporary restraining order. Don't be afraid. This is NOT normal behavior.