When you're in it it's often hard to see clear. Do I fish or cut bait???

[abitabove]

I have been dating a guy for 4 months. We are both 50 years old. We live an hour apart and see each other one night a week and he calls and texts me several times each day since the day we met. We just got back from a trip out of the country for a week and had a blast. The problem is that that on our trip last week he told me we have gotten this far because I don't pressure him. That he has been a serial dater for a long time. That he wants an exclusive relationship to develop naturally. It's been 4 months! I have told him from the beginning that I would like an exclusive relationship eventually, but that I am in no hurry to settle down by any means. He has never been married, lived with anyone or had a relationship longer than 6 months. I have met all of his friends and some of his family. He doesn't seem to care that I go on dates with other men as long as I am not having sex with them. Honestly, I have never encountered this kind of relationship. It's like he is scared to death of commitment. He is still on match.com, but says he doesn't go on dates. He says he has not been out with anyone else since he met me.

 

My gut says hold on for another few months and see how it goes. I have nothing to lose, but time. I am just looking for others opinions as when you are in it sometimes it's often hard to see clear. Do I continue to fish or cut bait???

[DancingFool]

Every exclusive relationship develops naturally so I don't even know what he is blabbing about on that subject.

 

Of course he is keeping you around - you've made yourself very accommodating and convenient and ask nothing of him in return, aka doormat and he likes that.

 

He doesn't care that you date other men = he doesn't care if you leave him tomorrow or today for that matter. He couldn't care less. You are nice to have, not must have.

 

He is still on match = he is still actively seeking his unicorn and you are the just for now girl. Comfortable, undemanding, easy going place holder.

 

If this works for you, carry on. If you want a healthy relationship and commitment, find someone else who is actually emotionally healthy and wants a relationship. This guy ain't it and the red flags have been slapping you in the face from day one.

[reinventmyself]

I can only share with you how I handle these type of situations.

I know I cannot be sexual with someone in an open relationship, for this very reason. You develop an attachment to them and when it doesn't feel reciprocal you start to feel insecure.

 

But seeing it's too late to start over again, you have one or two choices. You hang in there and try to keep your expectations and insecurity in check -or - you share with him that

you have developed feelings for him and you made a mistake entering into an open relationship that ultimately is making you feel like you might be compromising what feels right for you.

 

I've said the later of the two and walked away. I didn't want to but it felt right. Staying on terms that didn't feel right for me was not an option. This guy ultimately came around a couple months later, but I never counted on it.

 

Bottom line is people who are terrified of commitment do not make good partners. His history is an indication of his inability to commit. Believe him when he says it.

If you are waiting for your love to transform him and for you to be an exception to the rule, my guess is you'll be disappointed. This isn't about you.

 

You mention you aren't in a hurry to settle down but having an agreement exclusivity while you two figure things out isn't exactly a marriage proposal.

You don't sound like someone who would be ok with sharing your man sexually with other women, but the door is fully open for him to do so.

 

This is not one of those things in life you should hedge your bets on.

You need to do what's right for you. The responsibility is not on him.

[Wiseman2]

Fortunately he has been very upfront that he only wants casual dating and sexual exclusivity. He is not afraid of commitment, he just has never wanted it. He does not want to be tied down, he just wants a fun for now good for now situation.

 

He's still on dating sites, so has zero intention of progressing to a relationship and prefers to keep it as casual dating with sex. If you eventually want a relationship or commitment from someone he's clearly stated and has shown in actions that he's not the guy.

 

The down side to hanging around is that eventually while he's browsing dating sites something new and interesting will come along and he will drop you.

That he has been a serial dater for a long time. He doesn't seem to care that I go on dates with other men as long as I am not having sex with them. He is still on match.com

...same guy?

[reinventmyself]

He doesn't seem to care that I go on dates with other men as long as I am not having sex with them.

 

I'm sure the men on ENA are of better authority, but I can safely say when man is truly interested in a woman, the last thing he wants is to risk losing them to another man.

 

Had to come back to add: I wouldn't waste my time on a man who was willing to risk losing me either.

[ThatwasThen]

Personally, I'd never date someone who was 50 and never been married or lived with someone. That's a lifestyle and I doubt you're going to be the one that compels him to give it up.

 

If you give it a while longer, best reframe your mind to have zero expectations of it going past you starting to cause a fuss.

[Hermes]

"We are both 50 years old."

 

You are 50 too, Abit. Were you married or in a LTR before?

 

Well yes, he may well be a confirmed bachelor. They do exist, and it is a life choice.

 

What would you like? To get married, or enter a LTR, or....? You say you aren't in any hurry to settle down. So? What's the problem here?

 

Do you have much in common? Leisure, interests, preferences etc. ?

 

I don't see any problem with you dating other men. You aren't married to this one, so why not?

[ParisPaulette]

Given his personal history AND his age if you want an exclusive all in kind of relationship then yeah, you're barking up the wrong tree.

 

I personally wouldn't hang around a few more months continuing to develop feelings. Besides he's already all but told you that your thing has a shelf life of six months as it is. He's great for a good time, but if that's not all you want this will hurt you when he is still the same in a few months as he has been his entire life.

 

And then he moves on, because the six months is up. When someone tells you and shows you who they are, you need to believe them and take them fully at face value. He's told you he doesn't do commitments and his actions back that up.

[abitabove]

I agree with all of these comments. Time to move on. I want more than he can offer and continuing in this situation will cause more hurt over time. I will end it next week.

[SoulTaker]

I have been dating a guy for 4 months. We are both 50 years old. We live an hour apart and see each other one night a week and he calls and texts me several times each day since the day we met. We just got back from a trip out of the country for a week and had a blast. The problem is that that on our trip last week he told me we have gotten this far because I don't pressure him. That he has been a serial dater for a long time. That he wants an exclusive relationship to develop naturally. It's been 4 months! I have told him from the beginning that I would like an exclusive relationship eventually, but that I am in no hurry to settle down by any means. He has never been married, lived with anyone or had a relationship longer than 6 months. I have met all of his friends and some of his family. He doesn't seem to care that I go on dates with other men as long as I am not having sex with them. Honestly, I have never encountered this kind of relationship. It's like he is scared to death of commitment. He is still on match.com, but says he doesn't go on dates. He says he has not been out with anyone else since he met me.

 

My gut says hold on for another few months and see how it goes. I have nothing to lose, but time. I am just looking for others opinions as when you are in it sometimes it's often hard to see clear. Do I continue to fish or cut bait???

 

Have you been sleeping with him? If so, then when did it start?

 

BTW - It looks like he's dictating the terms of this dating situation. The last thing you want is to have a serial dater tell you how to date, and about relationships. You need to be in control of things. Also, do you really want to go through the pains of teaching a 50 yr old man how to deal with a LTR for the first time? Is he really being truthful (which might depend on how quickly he got you into bed)?

[Hermes]

"Fortunately he has been very upfront that he only wants casual dating and sexual exclusivity. "

 

Indeed Wiseman.

 

I also think you are wise, Abit, as not everyone is cut out for getting the confirmed bachelor to march down the aisle.....