First relationship after major break up

[Lotusavx]

I know I have posted on here a ton last spring and this summer when my ex broke up with me and posted a lot about my terrible experiences with hook ups. Anyways, I am dating this guy who is wonderful and awesome and caring and actually wants a relationship and commitment. It's been a month since we made it official, and it's been great so far. I had a lot of jealousy/insecurity problems in my past relationship which caused ample problems. I am happy that I am going into this, my second relationship, with some notions on how to deal with my jealous emotions. We openly have talked about our pasts in the beginning and I was fine with it, his past didn't bother me. But now as I am feeling myself liking this person so much more each time we get together, I start to feel the old familiar pangs of jealousy that I felt with my ex for so many years. I haven't showed him or talked about my jealous feelings to him. I thought me having a 4 year relationship with someone would help me understand my next partners past better, but apparently not. It is so unfair for me to think this way. I feel as if I am allowed to have a past with someone who I loved, and a past of questionable bad experiences with guys, but I feel like he isn't allowed to have that, that it is somehow bad that he does. I know and can see how unfair this is. I constantly try to tell myself that everyone has had relationships and the only thing that matters now is the present and the memories we are making together. I just don't want these jealous feelings to ruin this relationship, can anyone give me some insight? Maybe I am not ready for a relationship, but the jealous feelings are better in a sense that I am not getting mad at him for his past or telling him I am feeling jealous, I do have better control over speaking about them.

[gebaird]

Self-awareness is the beginning of change. In the past you may have acted out your jealousy without realizing what you were doing. Now you feel jealous but aren't acting on it -- which is progress! The next step is to identify the sources of your jealous feelings, which could be rooted in childhood or past relationship drama. Who would you be without your jealousy? How will your current relationship play out if you allow your jealousy to resume its former prominent role? When dysfunction follows you from one relationship to another, it's fairly simple to determine where the problem lies (hint: not with your partner). Jealousy is a manifestation of ego. As you work to transcend ego, maturity and acceptance ensue. You may have some elements of codependence in your relationships, constantly wanting your partner to validate you with attention and adoration. By dwelling on his previous sexual partners, you are creating your own unhappiness. I'd recommend therapy if that's an option for you, or a good self-help book. It sounds to me like you are on the right path, working to defeat the toxic patterns and behaviors that have held you back. As long as you recognize that your jealousy is not you, then it can't take over and keep ruining your relationships.

[Lotusavx]

many thanks for your wonderfully informative advice

[jujusamples]

I think sometimes we self sabotage what's good in our life. When we feel happy we subconsciously do things to try and ruin it. I was very similar to you at one point. The jealously got the best out of me! At the back of my mind, I know I shouldn't be jealous but can't help the extreme feelings.

 

I started digging deeper (with counselling) to get to the root of the problem. I figured out that the problem stems from childhood and how I never had a father figure. I was afraid of loosing my partner and fear of missing out. That's is why I keep getting jealous of whomever I was dating's ex. I understand how you feel. It's like he' must love her more, he did all those things with his ex and why not me? Sounds familiar. It sucks, you just have to dig deep and get to the root of the problem.

 

When I was dating my husband, he pointed it out to me, that I'm a great person, but my jealously is out of hand. He tries to reassures me that there's nothing to be jealous of, they are his ex. I didn't get it at the time. Even the day he put a ring on my finger, I still felt that way. I've always been feeling that way no matter whom I was dating, as long as we got close, I start to have those intense jealously.

 

Counselling really helped me get to the root of the problem. I also attend group therapies to work out those problems with others with similar problems.

 

What you could do in the meantime is, whenever those feelings surface. Count to 3, then try to ask yourself, why are you jealous? What is bothering you? Is he doing something that is making you feel this way? Also, know that the feeling will pass.

 

I find that when I started practicing that, those jealous feelings starts to lessen. I just tell myself the feeling will pass, and it always does. Once it pass, I will remind myself, what is that all about, why was I even jealous. After therapy and doing those few things, it really helped me relieved the jealously. I mean from time to time it will be there, but just not as intense.

 

Most important is to get to the root of the problem. Once you understand it, it will be a lot easier for you get let it go. I feel much better now and acting like jealous crazy girlfriend was never fun for me. It actually hurt a lot, all I feel was pain. Letting go of that part of me feels so much better and am able to have a much better relationship. All the best to you.

[Lotusavx]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I always feel better and that there is hope knowing others have gone through what I am going through.

[Ms Darcy]

For the record, I have always said based on your threads that you clearly needed some time alone to heal.

 

Having said that, I would suggest considering therapy.

[Wiseman2]

Just keep saying this to yourself to reprogram all the bad baggage from your past.

It is so unfair for me to think this way. I constantly try to tell myself that everyone has had relationships and the only thing that matters now is the present and the memories we are making together.

[Andrina]

It's okay to discuss past romantic relationships, briefly and to educate yourself on what type of person you're getting involved with, when you first start dating. Once that info is out, don't get into the habit of bringing up the ex anymore. If he brings the ex up for any discussion purpose, such as, "She and I went here before." Or, "She did this to me, etc." It's okay to calmly ask him not to bring her up, because you really don't want to bring her image and name into what is supposed to be a relationship between you and him.

 

It's kind of like closure. If you keep telling old stories of people in your past, it keeps them alive in your world, which is great for people who want to remember grandparents and pets who have passed, but who wants to give an ex that much significance?

 

Over time, when your new love and you build a beautiful life together, the past will seem like a long distance, remote memory.