Ladies& Gents, Desperately need advice: Girlfriend was pregnant with married man

[MissCanuck]

As a woman, I can say you have been way too nice and way too passive in this relationship. You showed her that your boundaries are pretty leaky.

 

You have valid reasons not to trust her. She's demonstrated she isn't transparent and that she had serious feelings for this man. It wasn't a mistake, OP. She made a conscious choice to get involved with him and continued doing so knowing he had a wife and that you were not comfortable with it. And this wasn't years ago. This is quite recent history.

 

What happens if he re-surfaces? Calls and her and apologizes and wants to meet up? My money is that she will be back to "needing" to see him.

[notalady]

I'll just write impressions / observations as I read the post:

 

1. The day you got together was the happiest you've been for a long while, the first few DAYS were amazing. This sounds so unhealthy to me, why aren't you happy to begin with? Not saying only happy people can be in relationships, but starting from a happy balanced mind state allows you to seek a companion who is of a similar mindset, while being unhappy and only happy when you are with this person (ie relying on them as your source of happiness) sets you up for a much higher likelihood of finding someone who is just as emotionally unhealthy / dating for the wrong reasons.

 

2. She started dating you while she was still pregnant with another man's baby?! And they are just broken up or not even completely broke up yet since he's still involved? And she dated you throughout abortion etc?? And she kept seeing the guy after CLAIMING it's her connection to the baby?? Can you not see what's all so wrong about all that?? She should not have been dating at all when she was in this mess of a situation! She should not have been dating anyone until it was all over and she had broken up with this guy, as in really broken up never seeing him again, and have the alone time to take a hard look at herself and think about why she did all that and allowed all this mess to happen in the first place, and learn something from this experience and be in a good place emotionally before proceeding to be involved with someone else. Instead, she looked for an emotional clutch and a distraction from her current misery, by dating someone else, ie you. She was clearly not over this guy either, I call BS with the whole connection to the baby thing, she was not over him plain and simple. No doubt it would've been painful to be alone but it was necessary for her to really understand what went wrong, she didn't do that. I doubt she learned anything from this and now just pretend it didn't happen.

 

And I'll circle back to you, if you were in a good healthy place emotionally, you would have walked away on the 4th date when she told you about this whole mess. It was only 4 dates, you're not (or at least shouldn't be) emotionally attached, she showed you who she was, so it was the best time for you to move on and dodge this bullet. You didn't, you decided to stay and "support" her, essentially a stranger. I wonder why? Is it that you think she's the only thing that will make you happy? If so you understand the first point I made in the post about the importance of being in a good emotional state already before entering a relationship.

 

To me the whole thing started from an unhealthy place and on rocky foundation, without foundation, it's now gradually falling apart as you don't and can't trust her, and rightly so because past behaviour is the best indicator for future behaviour.

 

You probably won't do it but I would suggest breaking up (6 months isn't that long) and be single and work on yourself, and really look into why you got involved with her and what was your role in all this. I would work on becoming happy and content on your own first, before dating anyone else.

[evad]

And I'll circle back to you, if you were in a good healthy place emotionally, you would have walked away on the 4th date when she told you about this whole mess. It was only 4 dates, you're not (or at least shouldn't be) emotionally attached, she showed you who she was, so it was the best time for you to move on and dodge this bullet. You didn't, you decided to stay and "support" her, essentially a stranger.

 

Thanks for the honest opinion. just to clarify, she wasn't a stranger. I knew her for 5 months before we got together. we saw each other frequently, had multiple conversations before i started falling for her. We had a good thing going as friends, and I was a little hesitant at first about confessing to her. I was afraid she might reject me and things would get awkward which might change what we have. I went ahead with it anyway and succeeded, hence I said i was very happy about it.

 

the day she told me about it, she said she wanted to be together with me and had decided to stop seeing the guy to be w me, but unfortunately that happened. believe if u will.

 

one, i really liked her, and still do. Really enjoy the time we spent together, and thought she was really good for me (prior to finding out the whole baby thing).

two, I was a friend, and i was the only person she told besides the guy. she was ashamed to share it with anyone, but decided to tell me because she felt i had the right to know and make my own decision. she was scared, and facing one of the most traumatic experience i can imagine a woman having. boyfriend or simply just a friend, i felt like I should help get her through this, and like i said, i really liked her. so i stayed.

[lostlove76]

No, please don't be sorry at all. I really appreciate your honest comments. there's really no point sugarcoating anything..

 

My question is, do I condemn her for life for something she did? some people make mistakes and change, some dont. some people make mistakes because they are stupid, immature (she's in her early mid-twenties), naive, not necessarily because they are inherently bad people??

 

To answer your question... I don't think someone's character can change very much within the course of a few months. It will be YEARS before she grows up and is able and willing to take accountability for her actions and learn from her mistakes. For comparison's sake, I'll tell you that my most recent ex jumped directly from me to letting a married woman move in with him. It takes a pretty low person to be okay with breaking up a marriage, or having a secret affair, or whatever the case may be. As much as I loved him, and as much as I wish he would call because I miss him, I see him as a piece of crap for doing what he's done. He obviously has no morals. He is 10+ years older than your girl, and this isn't the first time he's been with a married woman. So my point is that some people just don't change. They may not even want to change. It's all about them and their selfish needs of the moment. Your girl is young and COULD potentially change, some day, or her character could remain exactly as it is now. She is someone who had no problem sleeping with a married man. You just can't trust her at this point, IMO. My ex hasn't changed, and he's got a decade in age over your girl. If she was ready to change, she wouldn't still be weak for him. She would know that what they did was wrong, and she wouldn't have had any further contact with him. I don't see that she's currently in that place. If you stay with her, you're probably setting yourself up for hurt. I chose to stay with mine and see the good in him for a long time - and it's crushed me that he's now chosen this married woman over me. I would hate to see the same thing happen to you one day if you stay with her. You seem like a nice guy. You deserve someone equally nice.

[evad]

What happens if he re-surfaces? Calls and her and apologizes and wants to meet up? My money is that she will be back to "needing" to see him.

 

if that happens, I'm confident that I'll end things right there and there. I gave myself this ultimatum, if she still remains in contact with him, i WILL end it. regardless of how terrible I will feel.

 

now it's been 4 months since she promised never to see him again, and to be fair, there hasnt been anything concrete to suggest that she broke it. She seems really happy being with me, and I do hope it's true and she's forgotten about the guy. but i just can't be sure, and have this lingering thought in my mind, with no idea how to deal with/get rid of it..

[lostlove76]

if that happens, I'm confident that I'll end things right there and there. I gave myself this ultimatum, if she still remains in contact with him, i WILL end it. regardless of how terrible I will feel.

 

now it's been 4 months since she promised never to see him again, and to be fair, there hasnt been anything concrete to suggest that she broke it. She seems really happy being with me, and I do hope it's true and she's forgotten about the guy. but i just can't be sure, and have this lingering thought in my mind, with no idea how to deal with/get rid of it..

 

The lingering thoughts about it is distrust. I always had that feeling with my ex, too, even when I looked for some kind of proof he was talking to others (other girls in an inappropriate manner) and found nothing. I never could trust him because I knew what he was capable of; I knew what he had done in the past. You know what she's done, so you're going to have a really hard time convincing yourself that she can be trusted. You'll always be worried and in self-protection mode because deep down, you know she could meet up with him again at any time (and lie about it).

 

It's easy for me and others on the outside looking in to tell you not to trust this girl. I can see plain as day that you shouldn't be with her! But I stuck with mine for two years, knowing all I knew about things he had done. When you care for someone, it's hard to break away because you're seeing the good and diminishing or excusing away the bad. So I get it. But my two years loving mine just about destroyed me, and I still haven't recovered. Some people just can't be trusted, because they've proven in the past that they have lax morals. She seems to be one of those.

[jujusamples]

No, please don't be sorry at all. I really appreciate your honest comments. there's really no point sugarcoating anything..

 

My question is, do I condemn her for life for something she did? some people make mistakes and change, some dont. some people make mistakes because they are stupid, immature (she's in her early mid-twenties), naive, not necessarily because they are inherently bad people??

 

My intentions are not trying to say she's a bad person, and I agree with you, people DO make mistakes. Getting an abortion and being with a married man, is not a mistake! Even if she is drunk or on some kind of drugs, it's just a logical thing to do is not to get involved in another relationship. It is unfair to you! Getting professional help would be a first step, if she can't handle herself emotionally.

 

It just seems to me that you are blaming yourself for all her wrong doings. Whether she is subconsciously doing it or not, she found you to dump her emotional mess on.

 

I was once naive and made many mistakes myself. That's why I have given you the advice I did. Although I was immature and naive at the time, I would have never been involved with a married man no matter how strong my feelings are for him. Second of all, I would have never tried to get into another relationship when there are unfinished business with the ex. Again, that is just me. It did take professional help for me to work through my emotional issues. Have I not gone to counselling and therapy, I will still be an emotional wreck!

 

By the way, trust is crucial in a relationship, when you feel you can't trust the person (I don't blame you) the relationship will head towards a downward spiral. You have to be able to trust the person wholeheartedly to build a good foundation to a healthy relationship.

[notalady]

if that happens, I'm confident that I'll end things right there and there. I gave myself this ultimatum, if she still remains in contact with him, i WILL end it. regardless of how terrible I will feel.

 

now it's been 4 months since she promised never to see him again, and to be fair, there hasnt been anything concrete to suggest that she broke it. She seems really happy being with me, and I do hope it's true and she's forgotten about the guy. but i just can't be sure, and have this lingering thought in my mind, with no idea how to deal with/get rid of it..

 

The thing with trust is, it's built over time and can be crumbled over night if broken, even once. Lie of all nature (not cheating related) over time erode trust. Some people can get over it and some can't. I would have a hard time getting over it and trusting someone who I've found out even just a couple of times, to have lied to me. I would feel like I can't trust what they say.

 

As for how you think about her choice to date the married guy after she found out he was married, and to become pregnant by him, I would say that it bothers you because you can't respect her after what she's done or for what you know she could do. Respect is earned and her choices hasn't earned your respect.

 

It will be very hard to keep a relationship with someone you don't respect nor trust.

 

You can try but I don't recommend it.

[pippy longstocking]

I haven't caught up with everyone's post , so this has probably been said ...

 

My question is, do I condemn her for life for something she did

 

but to just reply to this ^^^ NO .....no no no no no no no no never ... it is abuse , I have been there , having my past thrown in my face , made to pay , made to suffer , for you , for anyone reading this ...you NEVER do this to another person ......you walk away ...you end it ...you never ever see them again .

 

and ..if she meets up with him one more time ...get rid ... leave her to it .