Ladies& Gents, Desperately need advice: Girlfriend was pregnant with married man

[evad]

I've been together with my girlfriend for over half a year now. i really like her and the day we got together was the happiest i've been for a long while.

 

The first few days of our relationship were absolutely amazing, but then on the 4th day, she told me she was pregnant with a guy she slept with 2,3 weeks before we got together. She said the guy was married and there was no way they will be together. She underwent abortion and the guy was involved during this process. I was able to accept it at that time, thinking it was the guy's baby too, so it's only fair to want to be involved.

 

She was very emotional days after the procedure and one day she told me she felt very guilty. One, because she killed her baby, and two, because she felt that she needed the guy as he was the only connection she has with the baby. I really liked her and I told her I will be by her side through all this. I told her I will be there for her if she misses the baby and wants to talk about it. She never spoke to me about it.

 

A month after the procedure, she was still in contact with him, and said sometimes she misses him when she thinks about the baby. On several occasions, she would text me saying that she's having the dinner with the guy and she's sorry knowing that I hated it.

 

I thought, I am no woman, I have no idea how traumatic this experience could have been. It has been only 1 month since the procedure so I just gritted my teeth and bear with it. But I made her promise that she would tell me before she goes to meet the guy. Once, she told me she wanted to break up, because she feels guilty about letting me down and thought she might wanna spend some time alone. I asked her what she wanted to do, go back to the guy? Obviously the guy's with her just for sex with no intention of being with her at all. It's fine if she didn't like me but for her sake, I told her the guy was bad for her and she needed to make a clean break. It was also that day I learned that after the day of the promise, she met up with the guy once and she didnt tell me about it.

 

A week or so later, at which point it was 2 months after the procedure, she decided to stay together and promised not to see the guy anymore. However, 2 days later, she texted saying she wants to say a proper goodbye in-person and that she was sorry. They had dinner and she came to meet me after. At that point, I wanted to break up with her because the past 2 months has been a huge torment for me (I know it must have been hard on her too). This time, she was the one who begged me to stay and promised she wasn't going to see him again. I relented, and 6 months later, this brings us till now.

 

We never spoke of it since that day, the baby nor the guy. On the surface, it's been great. We've been spending almost everyday together and I enjoyed every minute of it. She told me she loved me and I was an amazing boyfriend. I was very busy with work as well so this topic rarely came to mind.

The past few weeks, we were spending a lot of time apart due to work and we communicate via texts. Now that I'm less occupied with work, I realised that I haven't gotten over the episode and i still feel terrible inside whenever i think about it. I've been trying to figure out what is it that I'm actually feeling.

 

1) I couldnt get over the fact that knowing that the guy initially lied to her about not being married, she was still willing to be with him for over half a year and knowing that he'll never leave his wife. Why would she do that.. It pains me so much when I think of this..

2) I'm still insecure. There are times when she wouldnt reply me for the entire night. It just reminds me of the time she met him without telling me. And I dont know if im wrong in being so insecure, but i feel like she's hiding things from me even though I have absolutely no proof of it. I think I'm turning into those paranoid stalker boyfriends which is really not who I am.

 

I'm thinking about coming clean and telling her how I feel, but I'm sure how that would help and I'm afraid of what would happen next. Alternatively, I could wait and see, see if this feeling will die down.

I love her, would do a lot for her, but this is killing me...

 

Thanks for going through the long post. Really appreciate it. Would really need some advice as I have no one else I could talk to about this. Didnt wanna tell my friends 'cause this is one of her darkest secrets..

[Quidam]

Get over it or quit....

 

Thats your choices... if you wait and stall she might choose for you.

[reinventmyself]

This is a woman who knowingly involves herself with another woman's husband. Maybe she didn't know it originally but she does know now.

I get that her terminating the pregnancy might have been difficult for her but to the degree that she needs this married man's support is ridiculous and a guise for keeping him in her life, along with you. AND you buy into it.

 

You have made excuses for her behavior, along with overlooking her lies. If you have been accommodating to this situation then there was no reason to lie about seeing him.

 

She has shown you that she is not trustworthy, yet you question yourself like you have some character flaw because you feel insecure?

 

You have every reason to feel uncomfortable and to tell her so. The time has passed and she needs to cut ties with this guy - At the very least.

Honesty, I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

This is a

[moodindigo91]

1) This is something you'll have to get over. Honestly, why she stayed with him is none of your business and it's in her past. She picked you, and you said that everything seems fine. So you'll need to get over it.

2) Your insecurity is your own problem, not hers. I think that her situation was a difficult one, and she met with him and didn't tell you at the very beginning of your relationship, when she still had ties with the guy (as she was pregnant with his child). She's since had an abortion (something very traumatic) and decided she wants to be with you. If you can't get over this insecurity then you need to let her go because it will just poison your relationship.

 

So basically, in short, what Quidam said.

[Wolfshook]

This was full of red flags from beginning. Her involvement with married guy gives you an indication of drama girl, she was just out of (some kind of) relationship and she had somebody's else baby in her. You are correct, abortion is traumatic experience,but it's not up to you to get other people out of trouble.

 

I dont blame you for feeling how you feel now. Your reaction is normal. I believe you both should take some time off of each other (just break up,pauses are dumb). She needs to spend some time alone to process all of this,she cannot just jump from one relationship to another,othervise this will not be healthy. And you,you need time to really know your feelings,because honestly she doesnt sound good for you in any way.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately in the beginning she lied and sort of cheated on you. To say the least, this was a rough beginning all around.

 

Try to stay focused in the present. How is the relationship now? Do you think she's really over him? Or that they may still stay in touch or see each other.

 

6 mos is not a long time to be dating and sadly most of it was occupied by her drama with him rather than the two of you getting to know each other. So in a sense you don't really know her, you know a lot about her affair.

 

See how the relationship progresses.

It was also that day I learned that after the day of the promise, she met up with the guy once and she didnt tell me about it. I'm still insecure. There are times when she wouldnt reply me for the entire night. It just reminds me of the time she met him without telling me.

[lostandhurt]

Well you aren't going to dump her we can all see that so you need to come clean with her about how you are feeling. Once you get it all out without accusing her of anything (just state how you feel) and see where the discussion leads.

 

Basically you both have been acting like none of it ever happened but it did happen and was never dealt with properly.

 

Be brave and talk to her about how that whole thing is still affecting you. If you don't it will come out little by little until there is a huge blow up over it.

 

Lost

[evad]

Try to stay focused in the present. How is the relationship now? Do you think she's really over him? Or that they may still stay in touch or see each other.

 

There have been positives. For instance, on days when i alone in the office working overtime, she would come by my office and stay with me till I'm done. it can get as late as 1, 2am. We see each other everyday, given that our workplace is very close to each other. She tells me about her closest friends, family, and I tell her about mine. Had all the drama not happened, I would say that this girl really likes me.

 

but given what happened, and like you said, how she sort of cheated on me, how she hid things from me (i believe she havent lied, she came clean everytime I asked her about it, or at least i think so), I am not so sure at all.

The past few weeks we've been apart, she texts me every morning but sometimes, from early evening, she would not reply till the next day. Under normal circumstances, I wouldnt be thinking too much into it, but not in this case..

[DancingFool]

There have been positives. For instance, on days when i alone in the office working overtime, she would come by my office and stay with me till I'm done. it can get as late as 1, 2am. We see each other everyday, given that our workplace is very close to each other. She tells me about her closest friends, family, and I tell her about mine. Had all the drama not happened, I would say that this girl really likes me.

 

but given what happened, and like you said, how she sort of cheated on me, how she hid things from me (i believe she havent lied, she came clean everytime I asked her about it, or at least i think so), I am not so sure at all.

The past few weeks we've been apart, she texts me every morning but sometimes, from early evening, she would not reply till the next day. Under normal circumstances, I wouldnt be thinking too much into it, but not in this case..

 

Does it ever occur to you that constantly together is unhealthy and you both actually need to relax and have some personal time apart and not be constantly in touch? Other issues aside, what you just describe above made cringe and gasp for air. It's exhausting just to read.

 

Anyway, bottom line is that your rose colored glasses are coming off as the relationship is progressing. So it's natural that you are thinking of the down sides, the fact that she is capable of lies and betrayal. It's very normal after witnessing her do it, to think that if she'll do it to others, eventually she will do it to you too. The problem is that there is no way that she can prove to you that she has changed or that she is loyal now. So the real question and burden is really on you - can you look at the relationship in the present and be comfortable that things are in fact different and are you able to trust her? Either you can or you cannot.

 

If you start hounding her and demanding proof, your relationship will simply turn into a toxic mess. Either put the past behind you and just deal with your relationship in the present and how things are and how she treats you or recognize that you just can't trust her and let her and yourself free.

[Seymore]

Hang on - so she knowingly was involved with a married man, got pregnant with him RIGHT before meeting you, promised you she wouldn't see him anymore then turns around and says she wants to see him again?

 

She sounds pretty darn unstable. I'm almost wondering what the next excuse will be for her to see the guy. "I just want to talk about what the baby's name could have been and what school we would have put her in".

 

1) I couldnt get over the fact that knowing that the guy initially lied to her about not being married, she was still willing to be with him for over half a year and knowing that he'll never leave his wife. Why would she do that.. It pains me so much when I think of this..

 

That's what SHE said. (Waiting on wiseman to drop a Michael Scott gif) You don't know that for sure, for all you know she knew all along. She hasn't shown herself to be the most trustworthy person so I'd be taking everything she said with a grain of salt.

[Wiseman2]

You don't know that for sure, for all you know she knew all along. She hasn't shown herself to be the most trustworthy person so I'd be taking everything she said with a grain of salt.

 

]

[evad]

This is a woman who knowingly involves herself with another woman's husband. Maybe she didn't know it originally but she does know now.

I get that her terminating the pregnancy might have been difficult for her but to the degree that she needs this married man's support is ridiculous and a guise for keeping him in her life, along with you. AND you buy into it.

 

You have made excuses for her behavior, along with overlooking her lies. If you have been accommodating to this situation then there was no reason to lie about seeing him.

 

She has shown you that she is not trustworthy, yet you question yourself like you have some character flaw because you feel insecure?

 

Not that I disagree with you, in fact part of me thinks this as well.

 

i did ask her about it. She said she didnt know at first and that she was furious when she found out he lied. but she just couldnt control her feelings.. really pains me to think how much she liked him despite knowing he's such a jerk..

 

for argument's sake, yes, she messed up big time, but should i be judging her for something she did in the past? People make mistakes. If she truly means her word and is honest with me since the last time we talked about it, shouldnt i forgive her? wouldnt it be petty that Im still hanging onto something that happened in the past?

but then again how would i know that for sure..

 

Anyway thanks all for the comments. they've been really helpful. Please keep them coming. thanks

[reinventmyself]

 

That's what SHE said. (Waiting on wiseman to drop a Michael Scott gif) You don't know that for sure, for all you know she knew all along. She hasn't shown herself to be the most trustworthy person so I'd be taking everything she said with a grain of salt.

 

. . my thoughts as well

[evad]

That's what SHE said. You don't know that for sure, for all you know she knew all along. She hasn't shown herself to be the most trustworthy person so I'd be taking everything she said with a grain of salt.

 

Thanks, I understand your point. But from my interactions with her over the past few months, this I don't doubt. I believe she had been genuinely lied to, but she just had feelings for that guy. She was clearly devastated after the procedure, we talked about it and I'm willing to believe the things she said then.

 

what I do doubt, is whether she's still hiding things from me and secretly contacting the guy behind my back. and on this aspect, you've made your opinion very clear. point taken, appreciate it.

[DancingFool]

The thing about trust is that you don't know for sure ever, you simply trust that it is so, whatever it may be. That's the very essence of trust - we gather information about a person and decide that odds are good that they are being honest or are trustworthy or other way around, that they aren't.

 

What struck me about your post as well is that it seems like you were doing fine as long as were able to spend pretty much every moment of free time with her and consciously or subconsciously monitor her comings and goings. The moment work happened and things changed and you guys are actually spending some time apart it sent you into this tailspin of I can't see what she is doing therefore I'm nervous and don't trust what she might be doing.

 

Can't be in a relationship where you are a combination prison warden and parole officer - constantly vigilant, checking and monitoring. That's the definition of toxic and as you said yourself, it's turning you into someone you are not and don't like being.

 

So, if you take the bad stuff out of the picture, the 6 months following that has she ever given you reason to think she is unstable and unworthy of your trust? I don't mean suspicion because she put the phone away and went to bed and didn't stay up texting you all night long, but I mean any real reasons - caught in lies, something concrete. If she has been good to you and loyal and stable and has treated you well, perhaps it's time to let the past go.

[moodindigo91]

I agree with DancingFool mostly. Your problems are stemming from your own insecurity, your own doubt about her, which is valid given the circumstance.

 

But you have had a very unhealthy relationship from the start, you've spent every moment together, you've been able to more or less monitor her up to this point. Now that suddenly you have a little bit of space, you can no longer trust her. This dynamic is way off. You need to sit down and figure out if you will ever be able to trust her completely and if you will ever be able to get over what her circumstance was prior to getting involved with you. I think at the time when you met, she was probably angry and confused, and betrayed. IMO, she probably was lied to by the married guy, was furious upon finding out, then found out she was pregnant and at that point "couldn't control her feelings" for him. It all makes logical sense. She terminated the pregnancy and the relationship with the guy and decided to be with you. I think everyone else is assuming she knew all along, but given the way you describe her emotions and feelings regarding the situation, I'm not sure that's the case.

 

So putting that aside, again we come back to you. Are you able to trust her and have a healthy relationship with a healthy amount of space? Otherwise, it's a dead end.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, she couldn't help her "feelings" but she could help what she did about them.

 

She could have said "you know, I'd rather be heartbroken for a while than be the mistress of a married man". But she didn't. She CHOSE to continue the affair. Until whenever.

 

BTW, what caused the breakup? Did he dump her when she became pregnant or something? Did she become pregnant after she found out he was married? Was she trying to get pregnant to force him to leave his wife for her and that's why she feels extra guilty?

[HeartGoesOn]

for argument's sake, yes, she messed up big time, but should i be judging her for something she did in the past? People make mistakes. If she truly means her word and is honest with me since the last time we talked about it, shouldnt i forgive her? wouldnt it be petty that Im still hanging onto something that happened in the past?

but then again how would i know that for sure..

 

You would never know for sure, but what you do know is what's directly in front of you, along with the fact that she initially lied to you about seeing him again. Either way, it's your call, yet keep in mind that past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. Ultimately, it comes down to a roll of the dice...

[Seymore]

 

for argument's sake, yes, she messed up big time, but should i be judging her for something she did in the past? People make mistakes. If she truly means her word and is honest with me since the last time we talked about it, shouldnt i forgive her? wouldnt it be petty that Im still hanging onto something that happened in the past?

but then again how would i know that for sure..

 

 

Dude...when people say "don't judge someone by their past", the past means YEARS and years ago...not less than what, 30 weeks ago. By that frame of thought, everything is the past. If some chick stabbed me five minutes ago, am I going to say "That's the past, and they say don't judge someone by their past"?

[pippy longstocking]

She was very emotional days after the procedure and one day she told me she felt very guilty. One, because she killed her baby, and two, because she felt that she needed the guy as he was the only connection she has with the baby

 

^^^^ THAT is 100% true , just so you know that that part is very very real ... be it a mis or a termination , you feel the only person who can really really know the loss is the other parent .

 

However

 

She had no business getting with you mate .. pregnant about to terminate her married boyfriends baby .. dear god ..but you took all that on board and have been there for her through it all ..I think she is a very lucky girl and maybe that irks you as well ..maybe you feel a bit of resentment and anger now that it seems to be passing , you have put up with a lot and it was all high energy high emotion and your mind is finally processing it all ..which is why I say a bit of anger might be surfacing now , for all the reasons you listed .

 

But , remember this ...as much as she should have left you the hell alone until she sorted her crap out , you are equally responsible for taking on someone at a time like that .... so just let the natural process of it all filter through and then hopefully you will find your peace with it all and carry on your relationship in harmony .

[jujusamples]

I'm going to be brutally honest with you here!

 

You set yourself up for all of this, one for making up excuses for her behavior. I understand that terminating a pregnancy is a hard decision and thing to go through, but at the end of the day SHE made that decision to do it.

If she could not handle herself emotionally after the procedure, would seeing a professional as in get some counselling be a bad idea? Her wanting to see that married boyfriend or ex boyfriend is just an excuse to keep seeing him. A therapist is someone she should be seeing to help her heal her wounds.

 

He is married and she was still with him, what does that tell you? She can't help her feelings? So doesn't that tell you, she is a person with no self control? If i'm dating someone he lied about being married? The second I find out he's married and lied, he's out of the picture. No if and or buts! There are no excuse to those types of behaviors. Yes, I understand, feelings got involved, but self control and being logical should come in the picture! Unless she is 15 years old, it is very immature behavior. Again, a therapist, would help a great deal. For both you and her!

 

After all that being said, I'm sorry to sound brutal but in a sense she needed someone to dump her emotional drama mess on because her boyfriend is married. Guess what, she found you! If she really cared for you, she would have waited until she got this whole thing sorted out before getting into a relationship with you. A few weeks isn't a long time to heal before jumping into another relationship.

 

The first question I would ask someone I'm getting to know is how long ago is your last relationship? hmmm.... it's a red flag if the person told me, just last week or somewhere along those lines.

 

Sorry, I if I come across mean, it is not my intentions. It's just when I read your post, I can't help but to give you my honest opinion. Again, this girl just need someone to be there for her, but what she really needs is a therapist! She's not in the right set of mind to be in any healthy relationship at the moment. Not until she gets over the abortion and the married man (which she is obviously not over). Trust me, if he told her, he's divorcing his wife tomorrow, you will be out of the picture just as quick. Good luck!

[evad]

So, if you take the bad stuff out of the picture, the 6 months following that has she ever given you reason to think she is unstable and unworthy of your trust? I don't mean suspicion because she put the phone away and went to bed and didn't stay up texting you all night long, but I mean any real reasons - caught in lies, something concrete. If she has been good to you and loyal and stable and has treated you well, perhaps it's time to let the past go.

 

No, nothing concrete at all.

 

However, there had been one precedent. Early on, she promised that if she was ever going to meet the guy, she would let me know before it. On one occasion, she did so without telling me. One day, I asked her if she met the guy since the day of the promise. I had no concrete signs, i just needed to know. She came clean.

 

Fast forward some weeks later, on our last conversation on this topic, I told her I wanted out 'cause I cant have her seeing the guy anymore. If she needs to, she needs to find someone who can accept it. She begs me to stay, give her another chance and that she wont contact him again. we never spoke about it since, there hasn't been anything concrete signs either. but i do wonder.. wonder if i should ask her again.

 

I agree with you for most of the post. but how do i get over that? is it something I have to get over by myself, or is it something that I should tell her about and work on it together?

[lostlove76]

I kind of disagree that it's something that should be left in the past (although I know how it is to want someone, and to therefore overlook certain things - believe me, I know). But my opinion is that she is completely lacking in morals, AND she's nowhere near over this guy. Two huge reasons to drop her. She was knowingly carrying on an affair with a married man, and good people with sound values just don't do that. She was careless enough to get pregnant with him (hey, it happens I guess, but still), so that's not good either. It sounds like you've been way too kind and accommodating, given the circumstances. I wouldn't trust her not to be in contact with this guy. She's weak for him, and it will happen one way or another, because she's not over him.

 

Sorry, I know that's harsh, but just calling it like I see it. I know it's hard to drop someone and get over them, but consider if you want to deal with this long-term.

[evad]

Dude...when people say "don't judge someone by their past", the past means YEARS and years ago...not less than what, 30 weeks ago. By that frame of thought, everything is the past. If some chick stabbed me five minutes ago, am I going to say "That's the past, and they say don't judge someone by their past"?

 

Maybe I wasn't clear enough in my post, couldnt edit it now for some reason. What happened was this:

 

They slept together, the last time being somewhere around 2,3 weeks we got together.

4 days after we got together, she told me she missed her period and that she might be pregnant w that guy she slept with. She told me she did a pregnancy test but it didn't show. She was going to do a proper check at the doctor's the next day. Did it, and it was positive.

 

Hence, from my point of view, I thought all that happened prior to our relationship.

 

Initially, she did tell me when she was meeting the guy, and I accepted that, given that she had just undergone abortion and maybe she really needed the guy for some connection with the baby she lost. but it had to stop sometime, so one day i had a talk with her asking her to try not to see him again. If she absolutely have to, promise to tell me beforehand. (this was still within a month of the abortion).

After that, there was that one time when she met with the guy and didnt tell me about it.

Her sister had just given birth at this point and so one day, I asked if she was upset and if it reminded her of her own. She said yes. I asked her if she met with the guy, she said yes, on the day her sister gave birth because she was feeling very emotional about the baby.

 

and then there was that supposedly last time they met. She had promised to not to see him again but a day later she said she needed a proper goodbye. This time, she did tell me that they were going to meet up.

 

That was perhaps all of it. Would I consider this as being stabbed in the back?

[evad]

Sorry, I know that's harsh, but just calling it like I see it. I know it's hard to drop someone and get over them, but consider if you want to deal with this long-term.

 

Sorry, I if I come across mean, it is not my intentions. It's just when I read your post, I can't help but to give you my honest opinion. Again, this girl just need someone to be there for her, but what she really needs is a therapist! She's not in the right set of mind to be in any healthy relationship at the moment. Not until she gets over the abortion and the married man (which she is obviously not over). Trust me, if he told her, he's divorcing his wife tomorrow, you will be out of the picture just as quick. Good luck!

 

No, please don't be sorry at all. I really appreciate your honest comments. there's really no point sugarcoating anything..

 

My question is, do I condemn her for life for something she did? some people make mistakes and change, some dont. some people make mistakes because they are stupid, immature (she's in her early mid-twenties), naive, not necessarily because they are inherently bad people??